


Far From the Shallow

by thebluemartini



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Nessian - Freeform, Post-ACOFAS, Pregnancy, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:36:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 92,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebluemartini/pseuds/thebluemartini
Summary: Post-ACOFAS. As part of a deal with Feyre, Nesta has agreed to live with Cassian in the Illyrian Mountains. However, shortly after her arrival, she receives the startling news that she's pregnant from one of her one-night stands. While she tries to quickly get a grip on her life, Cassian’s determined to make her see that she’s not facing this alone.





	1. October - Part I

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place right after that teaser for the Nessian novel at the end of ACOFAS.
> 
> We're jumping straight into the drama with this first chapter! :)

** _October - Part I_ **

Cassian could already hear her throwing up behind the bathroom door.

They had only been in the Illyrian Mountains together for one week - _one week -_ and somehow Nesta had already gotten her hands on some alcohol. He wasn’t sure how that was even possible. Before she even arrived, he’d gone through his cabin from top to bottom, removing all the bottles of alcohol he could find. He went so far as to inform the few taverns and shops in the area that if a non-Illyrian female paid them a visit, it would be in their best interest to not serve her. He even slipped them each a good amount of money as encouragement.

But perhaps Nesta’s formidable presence was enough to make anyone cave...especially when there were already rumors spreading that the female currently inhabiting the General Commander’s home was a witch.

However Nesta may have gotten the alcohol...his High Lady certainly wasn’t going to be thrilled with him for allowing it to happen.

The sun’s rays had begun to break through the windows that morning. He had just gotten dressed for training with some of the Illyrians and came down the stairs when he heard the sounds of Nesta gagging in the bathroom.

At that moment, the door creaked open to reveal Nesta in a long lavender nightgown. When she found him standing in the entryway, her eyes briefly widened in surprise, but she quickly masked her face into a calm, cool expression. She turned her gaze away from him and brushed past him, heading toward the room in Cassian’s home that had become her temporary bedroom.

But Cassian wasn’t going to let her go that easily…

“Well, I guess you sure enjoyed yourself last night,” he remarked sarcastically.

Nesta paused and turned to face him. “What are you talking about?” she asked coldly.

“It sounds like you treated yourself to a lot of alcohol last night, despite the fact that that wasn’t part of the deal you made with your sister.”

Nesta narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms against her chest. “How the hell would I have gotten drinks when there’s not a single bottle in here nor will the nearby bartenders sell me any thanks to you?”

“You tell me,” Cassian stated as he also folded his arms across his chest and stared at her.

“I didn’t have a _single_ drop of alcohol last night,” Nesta replied in an irritated tone.

“Well the sounds of you vomiting this morning say otherwise.”

“I didn’t even go out last night. I was here in my room in this freezing, wretched cabin all night. You know this,” she added with the _Cassian is a complete and utter dolt_ look upon her face.

Cassian thought back to the night before. He had made dinner and left a bowl of food on the floor outside Nesta’s bedroom door as he had done the past few nights. She’d refused to eat with him, but he found that she was at least a little hungry to eat some of the food he made. He remembered hearing her open and close the door to retrieve it...but that was it. He didn’t recall hearing her bedroom door or the cabin’s front door open or close after that.

There was still a chance she could’ve climbed out her window though. While eyeing her suspiciously, he spoke. “Then why are you throwing up?”

“I. Don’t. Know,” she answered in a frustrated tone.  

His eyes roamed over her gaunt face and bony body. Then he stared into her eyes of steel, which gave no indication that she was lying. Ordinarily, if she bested him at something or disobeyed him, Nesta would revel in gloating about it. In fact, she would’ve probably enjoyed doing that more than drinking.

Cassian’s gaze softened. “Do you want me to send for a healer?”

“Do whatever you want,” she answered bitterly. Suddenly, her face paled and she brought her hand up to her face to cover her mouth as she raced back to the bathroom.

“I’ll get the healer,” Cassian muttered to himself as he walked away.

* * *

She had felt terribly nauseous all morning and now for most of the afternoon.

She must’ve been coming down with something. Perhaps her body did not adapt well to the despicable conditions of living in the Illyrian Mountains. It was much colder than Velaris. There was snow everywhere, and it was only October. She dreaded what the winter would be like.

Her sister probably wanted to punish her by not only sending her to live with an arrogant, oversized bat, but by freezing her to death as well. She was always shivering in Cassian’s cabin and constantly searching for a blanket to wrap herself with.

Feyre had told her that she would continue providing her a monthly allowance if she lived here for one year, or for as long as Cassian remained there to resolve the issues among the Illyrians, whichever came first. (And from what she gathered, it could take several years for Cassian to settle the discontent among the Illyrians.)

However, Cassian was left in charge of distributing her monthly allowance while she was here, and if he ever caught her drinking, Feyre had told him to deduct the monthly amount. And yet, she didn’t even currently need money for much, considering how dull Illyria was and how Cassian was providing her with housing and food. She supposed she could attempt to get a drink at some point when she really felt the need to escape, since there wouldn’t be much of a consequence…

But last night, she certainly did not get drunk. All she did last night was nibble on the dinner Cassian had made within her room, then read one of her favorite novels until she fell asleep. Before the sun even rose, she found herself rushing to the washroom to vomit.

Maybe she got food poisoning from dinner, and this was all that bastard’s fault.

At least he had the decency to send for a healer so she could find out what the hell was wrong with her.

...Even if that healer seemed to have peculiar methods for performing her checkup.

First, she did what human physicians would’ve done, which was ask about her symptoms, check her forehead for a fever, and take a look at her throat. But then she prodded her stomach and breasts and asked her to urinate into a vial that contained a exotic-looking crimson leaf. Nesta assumed it was some fae thing and did as instructed, but once she handed over the filled vial, Mara, the healer, vigorously shook it.

Nesta stared after her in confusion as she sat upon her bed and watched as the leaf’s color turned into a very light shade of purple. One of Nesta’s eyebrows rose into an arch at the sight.

“Just as I suspected…” The healer said softly as she held up the vial and stared at it. “You’re pregnant.”

Nesta’s eyes shot up to meet Mara’s and stared at her.

She waited for Mara to suddenly burst into laughter and tell her this was all just a joke.

Instead, she just remained silent and stared back at her with no trace of mirth upon her face.

Perhaps, Nesta had simply misheard. It couldn’t possibly be true.

“What?” Nesta said.

“You’re pregnant,” Mara repeated.

Nesta blinked.

“You’re lying,” Nesta replied harshly. “Did Cassian come up with this prank?”

“I am not lying,” Mara said firmly.

It felt as if the air had left Nesta lungs, and it was becoming difficult for her to breathe.

“How -” she began to say as she hyperventilated. “How do you know?”

“The leaf’s color turned to a light purple, which indicates pregnancy,” Mara said as she handed the vial to Nesta so she could see for herself.

With trembling fingers, Nesta took the vial from her and stared at the leaf inside. “What color would it be if I wasn’t pregnant?”

“It wouldn’t have changed color.”

Not wanting the light purple leaf in her line of vision, Nesta enclosed the vial within her fist and tightened her grip on it.

“Is Cassian the father?” Mara asked. “Do you want him here as I explain -”

“No,” Nesta cut her off. “He is not the father, and I certainly don’t need him here.”

To her credit, Mara didn’t flinch at Nesta’s sharpness nor was she riled up by it. Instead, she remained composed and proceeded to explain that she estimated Nesta was about two months pregnant as well as what to expect over the next several months.

But as Mara rattled on, Nesta found she could not focus on most of the words she was saying. Instead, she stared blankly at the bedroom wall across from her.

_You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant._

The words kept repeating in her head over and over again.

In approximately seven months, she would be having a baby.

_A baby._

She tried to let the words sink in, but somehow it just didn’t feel real.

How could she have been so stupid? She had been taking a daily draught to prevent pregnancy, but in her drunken stupor she must have forgotten to take it some days.

Now she was going to be a mother. And she didn’t have a single clue who the father was. She never bothered to find out the names of the males she slept with. She couldn’t even remember most of their faces. To her, they were just tools she used to help her to escape.

So she’d be left to face this unexpected pregnancy alone.

She didn’t even have a grip on her own life...and now she would have to take care of someone else’s?

The room was suddenly stifling. She had to get out of there.

As Mara was talking, Nesta abruptly got up off the bed and grabbed her coat from her closet, leaving the room without an explanation to the healer and still carrying the vial in her hand.

As she walked past the living room to get to the front door, Cassian looked up from his spot upon the sofa in the living room. Upon seeing her, he stood up and started walking in her direction.

“Nes? Are you all right? Where are you going?”

She didn’t have time for this. She couldn’t deal with him right now. She needed to get out.

“Out,” she replied stiffly without even a glance at him. She stepped outside the front door and shut it loudly behind her.

She hugged her coat tightly around her, hating the bitter cold that surrounded her. Yet, it was better than feeling trapped within that room, that house...a physical reminder of the life that’s she’s currently trapped in. A life she did not want.

She wasn’t yet familiar with the area and didn’t really know where she was going. She just let her feet tread through the snow and wander to wherever they wanted to go. Instead, she was more focused on the words pounding through her head.

_You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant._

It was like the water was rushing in over her, and she could feel herself being submerged again. A moment that had changed the course of her life forever.

She eventually came across some Illyrians gathered around a bonfire, chatting and laughing. However, when they noticed her, they immediately went silent and stared suspiciously at her, probably wondering what the witch would do.

And while she didn’t give a damn what they thought about her...she still felt like a complete outsider.

And utterly alone.

Then she heard it.

_Crack. Crack. Crack._

The cracking of the logs in their fire felt like it reverberated through her, as if she herself was slowly cracking. It may have been logs cracking, but to her, it was a replay of her father’s neck snapping over and over again.

Hurriedly, she turned away from the Illyrians and strode toward the nearby wooded area. Her pace got faster and faster as the waves began to crash within her. She needed to get to somewhere private before she drowned.

Her boots crunched through the snow as she went through the stretch of trees. Once she knew she was hidden from view, her knees buckled, and she crumbled to the ground. Tears streamed down her face as she chucked the glass vial at one of the trees and watched the glass shatter before her.

She was an outsider in her own life...this life she never wanted. Growing up, the plan had simply been to attend balls and socialite events, marry well, and produce heirs. Now, here she was in the fae realm she hadn’t known existed for most of her life. She was forced to become a fae against her will, had to take part in a ridiculous war since she had powers she never asked for, and leave the human life she had known to live in the Night Court. Then she even lost her choice of where to live in the Night Court when her own sister forced her to go to the Illyrian Mountains.

Placing her hand against her stomach, she cringed at the thought of getting through her pregnancy alone, when she didn’t even know anything about fae pregnancies. How the hell was she supposed to raise a child? A fae child no less, when she hardly knew anything about fae life?

Would Feyre end up changing her mind about her living in the Illyrian Mountains and dictate once more where she should go and control how she should take care of herself and the baby?

As always, Nesta felt the control that she so constantly desired slowly slip out of her fingers.

She couldn’t help but let multiple sobs escape her as she wondered how she could even go on in this world, feeling so alone and powerless.

* * *

 

After Nesta’s abrupt departure, Cassian was about to follow after her, but then Mara walked out of Nesta’s bedroom with a solemn look upon her face.

“What’s wrong with her? Is she all right?” Cassian questioned her.

“She’s...not ill. Just in shock, I think,” she replied.

He gave her a perplexed look. “Why?”

“That is something I cannot disclose,” she said gently. “It is up to her if she wants to share it with you.”

Cassian nodded in understanding. “Do you think I should go after her?”

“She may need some time alone to process.”

Cassian nodded again and pondered what news could’ve possibly sent her bolting out of the cabin.

And then it suddenly hit him.

_She couldn’t be pregnant, could she?_

The question raged through Cassian’s mind as he thanked the healer and bid her goodbye. Closing the door behind her, he began to pace back and forth in his living room.

It seemed to fit. Nesta was throwing up in the morning, and Mara said she wasn’t ill, but was something that would’ve shocked her so...that seemed to leave only one option.

Did she even want to have a baby? With the new, totally careless Nesta of the past year, he couldn’t tell what she wanted anymore.

Looking at his window, he saw the sun was beginning to set and something in his gut told him he should go find her and make sure she was okay. All everyone had been telling him was that Nesta needed time. After the war, all everyone - Mor, Az, Rhys, Feyre, and Elain - had told him was to give Nesta _time._

And then in that _time,_ she wasted away and drowned herself in alcohol. The Nesta he knew was lost.

Now Feyre wants to just give her _time_ in the Illyrian Mountains to see if she can get herself together, while he just served as her keeper. Now the healer is telling him to give her _time_ to process whatever news she just heard.

But what if what Nesta didn’t need was _time,_ what if she just needed _someone to be there?_

He needed to find her and make sure she was okay. There was a chance she wouldn’t appreciate it, considering she always complained about him trying to bud into her life.

And yet, he couldn’t stop caring about her. He couldn’t let go of the girl who shielded his body with her own and nearly died with him on the battlefield.

So he wouldn’t bud in...he could just try to be there for her. Just like she was there for him.

And who knew if she encountered any of the Illyrians?

That thought gave Cassian a sickly feeling in his stomach. Quickly, he headed out the cabin door.

Luckily, it hadn’t been long since she left and it hadn’t been snowing, so he was still able to make out her footprints in the snow and followed them.

It was when the footprints led to the bonfire in the middle of the camp that following them got a bit tricky, considering it was an area where a many various footprints had been that day. As he took a gander around the camp, he caught the eye of Devlon.

Cassian sighed when he saw him start marching towards him.

“We’re going to need to talk about this witch of yours living here, Cassian,” he stated.

“That’s _General Commander_ to you, and we’ll have to talk about this another time,” Cassian replied as he frantically looked around. “Have you seen her?”  

Devlon gave him a stern, unimpressed look before nodding his head in the direction of the nearby wooded area.

Cassian nodded in gratitude. “Thank you. We will talk later.”

Devlon let out a “hmph” as Cassian trudged away from him and toward the forest instead.

When he reached the trees, it was harder to see as the sky grew darker. In the limited light, he scanned through the trees but didn’t see her. Taking a whiff, he detected a trace of her scent and did his best to follow it.

But it wasn’t until he heard sobbing that he was able to finally find her.

Slowly, he walked up behind her and found her sitting on her knees with her face buried in her hands. The sight of her looking so broken nearly broke him. He had never seen her like this before, so openly crushed. He’d always seen her trying to cover up and hide her feelings, maintaining a cool facade.

He walked up right behind her and noticed her body immediately go still. “Nesta…” he began to softly say in hopes of not frightening her.

She quickly wiped the tears away from her eyes with the backs of her hands before she turned and looked back up at him.

For once, she didn’t look at him like some nuisance nor was she glaring at him. Instead, she wore her sadness on her face and allowed him to see her puffy eyes.

Cassian came up beside her and crouched down on his knees.

“Nesta, are you all right?”

She took a look down at the ground before her, where all her tears had fallen. “I’m pregnant,” she announced quietly.

His thought was confirmed, so he nodded to indicate that he had heard her but said nothing more. He wasn’t sure what he could say. Usually, such news would elicit congratulatory remarks. But this...didn’t seem like a time for congratulating. He wondered if she knew who the father was, but that didn’t seem like an appropriate question to ask.

After they sat in silence for a few minutes, Nesta spoke again.

“Are you going to kick me out?” Nesta softly asked.

Cassian’s eyes widened in surprise that she would think that he would do such a thing. “What? No!”

“When Feyre made you a part of this deal, you didn’t know I’d be pregnant so -”

“I’m not kicking you out,” Cassian cut her off gently.  “But if you told her, I’m sure she would reconsider this whole arrangement.”

Nesta let out a shaky breath. Wiping away her tears again, her voice grew stronger and transitioned into her typical steely tone that Cassian was used to hearing from her. “I am not telling her about this. And you can’t tell her either. Or anyone for that matter.”  

“But she’s my High Lady.”

“So?”

Cassian sighed. “She expects me to report how you’re doing. How can I just ignore this? And when she finds out - because she _will_ eventually find out - she’ll wonder why I didn’t tell her and Rhys.”

Nesta began shaking her head furiously as more tears fell. “Ever since learning of this fae world, I’ve lost more and more control of my own life. Give me this,” she pleaded.

“Why can’t she know?”

“If she’s going to send me away from her city and out of her life, she doesn’t deserve to know what’s happening in my life. Let her feel excluded like me for once. If I tell her, she’ll likely take control as she _always_ does,” Nesta explained angrily. “In time, she will eventually find out, like you said. Maybe then she’ll finally realize she shouldn’t have forced me to live here to begin with.”

Cassian took a deep breath. It would take a long time for Nesta’s animosity toward her sister to go away.

“Do you promise not to tell her?” Nesta asked again.

He said nothing. He couldn’t disobey or deceive his High Lady and High Lord...it would be dishonorable.

“Cassian, _please_.”

She never said his name. She often referred to him as “that one” or called him a fool, a bastard, or an oversized bat.

Never his own name.

And she certainly never pleaded him for something before, which strangely made him feel compelled to appease her.

He took a deep breath. “I...promise not to tell her or anyone else unless it seems absolutely necessary.”

Nesta stared back down at the ground. “Well, you were never good at keeping your word anyway,” she muttered bitterly. “I don’t know why I even bothered to ask.”

Her words cut through him like a knife because they were true. He had promised to protect her, and he had failed.

“Nesta, you don’t understand. I can’t - ”

Nesta held up her hand, gesturing for him to stop. Then, her face paled and she quickly bent over onto her hands and knees. Shortly after, she threw up in the snow.

As she stayed in that position and continued to heave, Cassian kneeled down beside her. He reached out and pulled back her hair that had gotten tangled around her face. A shiver went through her when he touched her. He wasn’t sure if was from the cold or his touch.

And for as long as she retched, he continued to hold back her hair.

He may not have been able to completely honor her request, but for now, he could at least be there for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been simmering on this fic idea for quite awhile - since July actually, when I saw _Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again_ and got the idea for this fic XD I've done all kinds of outlining and writing since then. I currently have half the fic written so I can hopefully provide steady updates! (Posting every other week is the goal!) 
> 
> The idea for this fic is there will be one chapter for each month of Nesta's pregnancy...some months will have 2 chapters though because I have too much drama going on ;) This first chapter was just kind of a quick intro to set the scene...but most of the future chapters are pretty lengthy!
> 
> And I so hope you enjoy this fic! Please let me know your thoughts!


	2. October - Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for all the kudos and reviews!! <3 I hope you enjoy this next installment!

** _October - Part II_ **

 As she wandered her way through the Windhaven camp, the cold wind rushed over her cheeks and ears, sending a shiver down her spine.

She’d worn her hair up as she so often did. But now she was determined to _always_ have her hair up whenever she left her room so she could avoid Cassian touching her hair again like he did a few nights ago when she hurled in the woods.

She’d never allow an occasion for Cassian to touch her hair to happen again.

As she circled around the various cabins and training rings, she pushed the thought of that Illyrian out of her mind and took notice of a few Illyrians training in the rings instead.

Illyiran _males_ to be exact.

She hadn’t seen a single Illyiran female training. She only saw a few females watching over their children as they ran around and engaged in snowball fights outside their homes.

And when she passed them by, the children always stopped and stared at her...the supposed witch.

A “witch” who would soon become a mother.

The sight of the children instantly made her queasy and served as a reminder of how inept she was to be a mother, let alone a fae mother.

She didn’t even have many memories of her own mother to serve as a guide for how to be one. All she could remember were feelings really. Feelings that her mother caused her to feel.

Warmth. Joy. Secure. Contentment. Peace.  

All of them feelings that she no longer felt and hadn’t felt in quite some time. How the hell was she supposed to help a child feel those things when she couldn’t feel them herself?

As for her father...her father taught her how not to be a parent.

Her father who died right in front of her in more ways than one.

He had been killed right in front of her by the King of Hybern, but he had died long before that. She’d witnessed her family lose their fortune, and her father lost himself. He couldn’t be bothered to attempt to take care of his three daughters. He’d abandoned them. Day after day, Nesta had waited to see if one day, things would click for him, and he’d realize that he needed to do something to provide for them somehow. But that never happened...until the day he brought troops to fight in the war and was murdered.

But that one day didn’t erase the fact that he abandoned them for years.

Taking a deep breath, she crumpled to the ground before a tree and leaned her back against the trunk of it, feeling its rough bark jab into her back. Bringing her knees up to her face and wrapping her arms around them, Nesta closed her eyes and took a few more deep breaths.

Since the end of the war, she’d been able to ignore everything about her new life as a fae. She found solace in participating in activities that were also normal for humans: drinking and having sex. By losing herself in it, she was able to forget that she was no longer human. By living in a filthy apartment in a sketchy part of town, she could forget the sudden life of luxury that being a fae had brought her. She could at least still sort of feel like she was in the hovel where she and her sisters used to live. By not taking care of herself and not eating, she was in the same situation when they lived in that village...relying on Feyre to provide.

She had been able to pretend this whole fae life wasn’t real.

But this...this pregnancy...she could not ignore it. There was no way she could pretend like this wasn’t happening. A life was growing inside of her. A fae life.

Nesta shuddered out of fear. She wished she could push this away, deny it was happening. But she knew she couldn’t. Instead, she had to face the fact she was having a baby and would have to do it alone.

And that would require her to stop ignoring the fact that she was a fae.

Overwhelmed by the thought, she stood up and brushed the bits of snow off of her dress and coat and began to wander once more.

After weaving through the camp once more and circling some of the trees, she eventually ended up back at Cassian’s cabin. When she stepped up on the platform that led to the door, however, Nesta quickly let out a startled scream and jumped back.

Before her on the wooden platform laid two large ravens on their backs, with their throats slit and red blood oozing out of them.

Nesta turned her face away from the sight, but it was too late. The memories surfaced...the King of Hybern standing before her, threatening to kill her and Cassian. Her father’s arrival, and the King of Hybern promptly snapping his neck. Elain’s surprise attack on the king with Truth-Teller...and then Nesta finishing the job by beheading him with a dagger and tossing his head away with her own hands.

Hands that she once believed were only meant to do simple things like braid her sisters’ hair, pick flowers to adorn her hair and their home, and to grasp the palms of potential suitors during a dance. Not murder. Not take a life. Not be forever stained with blood and guilt.

She balled her hands into fists within the pockets of her coat as she hyperventilated. At the sounds of a door creaking open, her eyes flashed open, and she saw Cassian standing in the entryway.

Nesta took one deep breath, then another, with the hopes of settling her body and getting her breathing to return to normal.

“Nesta, did you scream? What’s wrong?” he asked before looking down at his feet. At the sight of the two dead ravens, his eyes narrowed and Nesta could’ve sworn she saw a blaze of anger within them. He let out a low growl.

Cassian then stepped outside over the dead ravens and looked out into the wilderness surrounding the cabin.

“What...what is this?” Nesta managed to ask softly as her breathing settled into its normal rhythm.

“A message,” Cassian replied bitterly, but that anger was not directed toward her. After he finished glancing around at their surroundings, his eyes landed on Nesta. “It’s a warning from the Dunclare camp to stay away...or else. They know I’ve returned...but since they left two ravens...they must know you’re here as well.”

Nesta averted her eyes from both the ravens and Cassian’s gaze, instead choosing to focus on the way the snowflakes were falling upon her boots. “‘Or else.’ What does that mean?”

“Could mean anything...anything to convince us to go away.”

“Why do they want us to leave?”

Cassian let out a deep sigh. “Most Illyrians still have trouble accepting a bastard as their General Commander. Many don’t approve of my insistence they train the females, and many are bitter about me sending men to their death in the war against Hybern. The list goes on. And since you’re associated with me, that makes you a target.”

Nesta said nothing in reply as she continued to stare at the ground, pondering his words as well as the ridiculousness of the Illyrians.

The way Illyrians treated the females? Preposterous.

Bitter over being sent to war, when that’s exactly what they’re trained to do? Absurd.

Refusing to accept Cassian as their General Commander? While she would never admit it to him, Cassian was a perfectly capable leader based on what she had seen in the war. The manner of his birth didn’t determine his abilities.

_They’re just a bunch of snobbish pricks…_

Upon hearing a creaking sound, Nesta popped her head up to find Cassian turned away from her and crouched down on the platform before the birds. She caught a glimpse of the bloodied snow, causing the visuals of beheading Hybern to appear once more. Her hands began to resume their trembling.

Cassian turned his head back toward her and had opened his mouth to say something, but it immediately closed when he saw her face. His own expression transformed into a concerned one.

“Nesta,” he eventually said. “There’s, uh...a few berry bushes at the back of the cabin. I was hoping you could pick some berries for our dessert this evening. There should be a bucket back there too.”

Nesta’s eyebrow rose out of bewilderment over this request, but she agreed to it with a small nod, wanting to get away from the dead birds as soon as possible.

Once she picked some berries and hesitantly returned to the cabin door to head inside, the dead birds were gone and she didn’t spot a single drop of blood anywhere in the snow. Instead, the snow on the wooden platform before the door had all been shoveled away.

Somehow, it seemed that Cassian knew she couldn’t stand the sight of the birds and the blood and purposely sent her away from it.

* * *

 

 

_As she sat upon the cold, muddy ground, Nesta stared up at the abominable male who had just appeared before her with her own father standing right beside him. The sight left Nesta frozen._

_It was from the shock that her own father had actually done something, which was all she longed for for so long. He had actually gotten up and left their home to lead an armada of ships. But now, here he was in the clutches of the King of Hybern…_

_Suddenly, she saw the King of Hybern move his hands and snap her father’s neck. The sound of the snap reverberated through her and sparked a flame of rage within her. But she was so weak. So, so weak. And felt so powerless against this man._

_Right behind her, she could hear Cassian’s laboured breaths._

_The King of Hybern charged toward both of them with his sword._

_This was the part where Elain was supposed to show up with Truth-Teller._

_Where was she?_

_Nesta tried to look behind the king but saw no sign of her. As he came closer and closer, she felt Cassian roughly push her aside with the little energy he had left, causing her to crumple to the ground. And in the moment she fell, the king brought his sword down through Cassian’s neck, beheading him._

_Nesta screamed. “CASSIAN!”_

  _Tears began to stream down her face as she stared at Cassian’s body and the blood flowing from it onto the grass in front of her._

_“Cassian!” she cried out again, despite knowing it was fruitless._

_She suddenly turned her head up and saw the King of Hybern standing before her, with his sword out and ready to slash through her._

_In a rapid motion, he brought the sword down…_

Nesta’s eyes shot open and she jumped up in her bed. Taking deep breaths, she looked around the room. Recognizing it as Cassian’s cabin brought her slightly at ease.

_Just another nightmare. As usual. Those damn birds must’ve triggered this one though…_

She leaned her head back against the headboard and closed her eyes.

 _Just a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Just a nightmare_ , she repeated inside her mind over and over again as she attempted to slow down her breathing.

“Nesta, is everything all right?” a voice softly said to her.

Nesta’s eyes shot open once more, and she jerked her head straight up to find Cassian standing beside her bed. Her room was slightly illuminated from the light in the living room shining through her bedroom doorway.

Upon seeing her open her eyes, he slowly sat down on the edge of the mattress next to her body.

Somehow, his presence brought her more relief than just repeating the words “just a nightmare” in her head. Here was solid proof in front of her that it was indeed just a nightmare.

Because he was alive.

She wished she could reach out and just touch him to be completely sure that this was real. But as soon as she had the thought, she cursed herself for being so weak and stupid for wanting to do such a thing.

_He’s just a silly, arrogant bastard who isn’t worth your time. He’s just like all the other men who’ve been in your life. He’ll let you down like the others. He already has._

“I’m fine,” she answered coldly and crossed her arms against her chest.

Cassian tilted his head and just stared at her carefully, as if he was mesmerized and couldn’t look away.

After a moment of silence, he spoke again. “I have nightmares about it too,” he murmured.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nesta sternly replied.

The concern and kindness in Cassian’s eyes quickly vanished and was replaced by a glint of amusement.

“Listen, sweetheart, you were screaming my name, and there’s only two reasons why a female would be screaming my name in bed. Considering I wasn’t in the bed with you making you beg for some carnal pleasure, that means it must’ve been a nightmare.”

“Ugh!” Nesta scowled. “You are so full of yourself, it’s nauseating.” Suddenly sensing the now-familiar sickly feeling in her stomach, she got up off the bed on the side Cassian wasn’t occupying and headed toward her bedroom door to go to the bathroom.

“Sweetheart, you’re nauseous because of your pregnancy. Don’t blame that on me,” Cassian said as he got up and followed after her.

“Stop calling me ‘ _sweetheart!_ ’” she yelled back as she entered the bathroom and shut the door behind her.

“Fine, Nes,” he replied through the door.

She just knew that he was probably grinning mischievously. He _knew_ she despised that nickname. She told herself to not get fired up about it because it would just amuse him even more, but she couldn’t restrain her anger when it came to him. “For the last time, STOP CALLING ME ‘NES’ AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

When she heard no immediate reply, she kneeled down upon the lavender rug beside the toilet.

A rug that wasn’t there when she had to vomit the previous few days. Cassian must’ve purchased it.

Pushing every single thought of him out of her mind, she retched.

When she was done and opened the bathroom door, she found Cassian standing there with his arms crossed against his chest, looking like he was pondering something.

Nesta sighed with frustration. “I told you to leave me alone.”

“I want to show you something,” he calmly stated, not choosing to match her irritated tone.

Nesta glared at him. “That doesn’t change the fact I want to be left alone.”

“You keep saying that, and yet, you’ve also said you don’t want to be left alone.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You were worried I was going to kick you out. Deep down, you don’t truly want to be left alone.”

“How the hell would you know what I truly want?”

“I pay attention.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.”

“So I’m not wrong then? You don’t want to be left alone.”

“If I never saw your face again, I would be thrilled.”

Cassian eyed her with an amused look. “And yet, you’re the one who couldn’t bear the thought of living without me and not seeing my face again when you nearly died with me.”

Nesta froze at the mention of that memory that somehow seemed to forever link them together.  This was the one thing they had had an unspoken agreement to _never_ talk about. She’d already had to deal with the dead birds and the nightmare reminding her of the horrors of that day. She didn’t need to be reminded of that inane, short-lived desire that nearly caused her to die with him either. Not now. Not ever. “It was out of pity and exhaustion. It had nothing to do with having to live without you.”

“You don’t just choose to die with someone simply out of pity.”

“I’m done talking about this. Don’t you dare talk about that day ever again,” she hissed as she moved past him to go back to her room.

“Don’t you realize what that meant - ”

“I said to _drop it_ ,” Nesta angrily cut him off before he could say anymore.

“If you come with me so I can show you something, I promise to never speak of it again,” he retorted, not looking entirely pleased with his own offer.

Nesta paused before the entryway to her bedroom and turned around. “As I mentioned a few nights ago, you seem to have trouble keeping promises. How can I trust you to keep this one?”

Cassian’s face was stoic as he looked back at her. “What can I do to prove to you I’ll keep this promise?”

Nesta thought for a moment before speaking. “If you break your promise, or any of the promises you’ve made me, you have to give me...something important. Something of value to you that you’d have trouble living without.”

“Like what?”

“Like...something sentimental...or your favorite blade...or maybe one of your siphons.”

“A siphon? What would you do with one of my siphons?”

“What I do with it isn’t the point. If you break my trust, you need to lose something important in return.”

“Fine, okay. If I break any of my promises - which I won’t - I will give you something important to me,” Cassian acquiesced.

Nesta let out a deep breath. Finally, she would stop having to listen to his pestering. “Okay. What is it you have to show me?”

“It requires flying, so go grab your coat.”

“What?!” If they were flying somewhere, that meant he’d have to put his arms around her and carry her...and she could not allow that to happen. She was also still feeling a bit queasy...she wasn’t sure she could handle such a ride at this moment. “Why can’t we walk there?”

“We have to go to one of the other mountains, so I’ll have to fly us there.”

Nesta sighed out of exasperation. “I can’t go now- ”

“Stop being so stubborn about this,” Cassian piped in, eliciting a glare from Nesta.

She brought her hand up to her stomach. “Well I’m sure splotches of my vomit upon you will go great with your complexion.”

The traces of anger left Cassian’s face. “Oh,” he said. “We’ll...we’ll wait to go later in the day when you’re feeling less queasy. I’ll...make you some tea.”

Nesta smirked at him before returning to her room.

* * *

 

 

Together they stood atop the enormous mountain and looked out at the snowy grandeur that surrounded them. In the distance stood the looming monolith of Ramiel where Illyrians would have to complete the Blood Rite to be considered true warriors.

Before them stood a single odd-shaped gray rock jutting out of the ground. For Cassian, that stone served as his mother’s grave, despite not knowing where his mother’s body ended up after her death.

There was no writing on the stone. He had only put the stone there the day before when he realized he wanted to bring Nesta here.

The woman had never properly grieved her father’s death...but now it looked like she may be forced to face it as she became a parent herself. A few nights ago, he had witnessed the dam within her break, finally releasing her pent-up emotions.

He wanted her to see the unmarked rock before her, and maybe consider it a spot where she could remember her own father.

But by bringing her here, he also wanted her to understand his own history. He certainly knew what it was like for a child to not have a father. And he briefly knew what it was like to be raised by a single parent.

They stood in silence as the cold wind blew against their faces, sending Cassian’s hair flying around his face. Nesta, standing at a distance from him after having to be carried by him for the flight, just stared at the vastness of the Illyrian mountainscape with her arms crossed against her chest. As usual, she didn’t look pleased to be there.

“Was this what you needed to show me?” she stated bitterly.

“This is the place where I born,” Cassian began solemnly. “I was raised by my mother for only a few years. My father never wanted anything to do with me. I was then separated from my mother and sent to Windhaven, while my mother was forced to remain her to be tortured and abused and eventually died,” he spat mournfully. “Before I razed this place to the ground, the Illyrians refused to tell me if they had buried her here or they just tossed her body somewhere.”

Cassian paused, remembering that day when he lashed out and utilized his immense power, before focusing on the memory of his mother. He turned to look at Nesta.

“I know what it’s like to not have a father,” he stated gently. “I hardly even knew what it was like to have a single parent before Rhys and his mom eventually took me in. So I want you to know that you are not alone in this. I will help you in anyway I can in raising this child. I don’t want the child to ever feel the way I did. I don’t want you to feel the way my mother probably felt about having to raise a kid on her own.”

Nesta kept her eyes focused on the stone as she listened to his words. When she said nothing, Cassian continued.

“And I thought, maybe, this could be a place of mourning...for both our parents.”

At this, Nesta rose her eyes to meet Cassian’s. Her expression remained emotionless. He couldn’t tell what she was feeling, but he chose to hold her gaze.

After taking a few breaths, Nesta looked away and back at the stone. She lifted her foot up as if to step forward, but seemed to decide against it and put her foot back down on the snowy ground. Instead she continued to stare.

So Cassian stared at the stone with her, thinking about Nesta’s future child and wondering how the next several months of her pregnancy would go. He wondered if his mother was watching over him and if she felt proud of him.

Or if she thought he was completely foolish for helping a woman who could be so cold with him.

Even he was slightly baffled with himself after all that occurred since the war. Their cruel words to each other, the way they got under each other’s skin...

But there was always something about Nesta that made him unable to stay away.

The minutes of silence ticked on, and Nesta didn’t leave the spot where she was standing. She did however close her eyes at some point while his mind wandered.

After she took a slow, deep breath, Nesta opened her eyes and turned to Cassian. She didn’t say anything, but her stance and expression suggested she was ready to leave.

Cassian nodded in agreement and held out his arms. “We can head back now.”

Without protesting - unlike when he picked her up for the flight over here - Nesta stepped toward him and allowed him to slide his hands on her back and behind her thighs to pick her up. Reluctantly, she wrapped her hands around his neck so she could hold on during the flight.

Shortly after they shot off into the sky, he could’ve sworn he heard her utter a very soft and quiet “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And next chapter, we're off to the next month of the pregnancy!
> 
> I meant to say in the first chapter that I really wish I had the time to do like the longest novel and the slowest of slow-burns for Nessian XD But unfortunately, having 2 jobs does not allow for that (and up until last week, I actually was working 3 jobs...) so that's why I went with the one-ish-chapter-per-month-of-pregnancy format ;) Hope it tickles your fancy! 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts on this chapter if you feel so inclined!


	3. November

** _November_ **

Over the course of the next few weeks, Nesta had fallen into somewhat of a routine. Following her mornings of vomiting in the bathroom, she would go out for a walk around Windhaven, thinking.

Just thinking about...everything.

The baby. Her father. This life. Cassian.

She had no choice but to think about it all. Alcohol was no longer an option to escape...as the healer had revealed to her two weeks ago that it could harm the baby.

It had been over a month since she last had a sip of alcohol. That desire to drink to escape still lingered but the lack of any bottles in Cassian’s cabin made it easier to break the drinking habit.

Cassian’s words to her on top of the mountain about helping her with the pregnancy replayed in her head frequently. And each time they did, they threatened to stir something within her...but she fought it off. Instead, she chose to wait and see if Cassian spoke true. After all she had been through with the ways her father and Tomas had failed her...she had trouble believing that Cassian would honor his word.

Part of her wanted to believe that he was being honest, especially since he was trying to honor his deceased mother, and yet…

No. She could not have hope.The men she had ever put faith in always failed her. Her father. Tomas.

No, she could not risk her heart being squashed once more. Instead, she would simply wait and see.

She would often spend the rest of her mornings pondering this during her walks, then would return to the cabin and find her lunch prepared by Cassian ready for her at the kitchen table. She’d pick it up and retreat to her room to eat it. Even though she had been barely eating the past several months, she knew she had to eat for the baby. She had already screwed up in the past by not helping provide for her sisters when they were hungry. She couldn’t allow that to happen again, so she forced herself to eat her meals.

Then she’d spend her afternoons and evenings rereading her favorite books in her room until Cassian dropped off dinner outside her door, which she’d collect and eat, and then go to sleep.

For two weeks, that’s how her schedule went. However, this week was different. The night before, when she retrieved her dinner that was sitting and steaming on the floor outside her room, the bowl was sitting on top of a stack of three books.

Removing the bowl from the top of the stack, she looked through the books and found two of them to be about fae pregnancies, while the third looked to be a fictional romance novel titled _Romancing the Scoundrel._

Gathering the books along with her food, she had gone back into her room and spent the evening reading one of the pregnancy books, falling asleep with the book lying open on top of her chest.

Today she went for a walk as usual, but this time she changed her route and found herself at the camp’s training ring. A group of females were lined up along the fence, while one female was in the ring...with Cassian.

Nesta didn’t dare to go up to the fence around the ring. Instead, she chose to linger behind the other females and watch with them.

Cassian and the dark-haired female stared intently at each other with annoyed expressions upon their faces as they slowly circled around each other.

“What makes you think a bastard like you can waltz right in here and teach us how to fight?” the female snarled.

“Well since I’m the _General Commander of the Night Court’s Armies_ , I think I have a lot to say on the matter,” Cassian grumbled back.

“You mean you’re a General Commander who sends his supposed Illyrian brethren to their deaths,” the female said as she struck her arm out to punch him in the face, but Cassian quickly ducked his head. Her swing at empty air knocked her off balance, sending her to the ground flat on her stomach.

“I think I can teach you a thing or two,” Cassian remarked as he smirked down at her, while a few females watching booed him. The female pushed herself up off the ground and slowly stood before Cassian. She was shorter than him and had to tilt her head up to look at him. With her face right in front of his, she spat at him, sending the spectators in front of Nesta into a fit of giggles and cheers.

Cassian’s smirk immediately vanished, and he shook his head in an attempt to get at least some of the spit to fly off of him before glancing over in Nesta’s direction. The female then kneed him between the legs, sending Cassian on his knees to the ground as he grunted in pain. “Looks like you have a thing or two to learn as well,” she said to him and wandered off to leave the ring.

Nesta kept her eyes on Cassian as he fought to keep his discomfort from showing on his face. “Who’s next?” he called out to the females.

“I think that’s enough training for today,” a male voice answered him. Nesta turned her head to find the Illyrian war-lord Devlon strolling up to the ring.

She may not have had many interactions with the male - and certainly didn’t care to - but the sight of the snobbish dolt always sent her blood boiling.

“They’ve only just started training a half hour ago,” Cassian said through clenched teeth.

“Well it appears that they don’t think you’re an adequate trainer. And those who still have living husbands and brothers need to start preparing lunch and dinner for them. The males had a trying day of training up the mountainside. They’re going to be extra hungry.”

There were a few grumblings among the females at that comment, while some of them looked to be relieved about heading back home for the day.

But his comment about only some of them having living husbands and brothers sent an image of a bright bolt of light to her mind. She remembered feeling like she would lose her voice permanently with how loud she was screaming Cassian’s name when she saw that Cauldron’s blast aim for him. And when he came to her...the rest of his men were obliterated by that light.

It was because of her that Cassian was still alive...and had to deal with some of this abuse.

“The females deserve an equal amount of training time as the males!” Cassian fired back.

“I am well aware of your feelings on this,” Devlon cooly replied. “But I’m also aware of how enraged all the males will be when they come home and find their food not ready for them.”

"So what? Maybe it’ll teach them to finally learn how to cook for themselves!”

 Devlon ignored Cassian and turned toward the females. “You are dismissed.”

The females turned around and began to walk away. When they found Nesta standing behind them, some of them stared at Nesta with alarm in their eyes, while a few glared at her. All of them kept their distance from her as they walked away.

“ _Devlon_ ,” Cassian growled.

“Being a whiny dog is not a good look for you, Cassian. I suggest you hold your tongue...and get your witch out of here,” Devlon stated with a pointed look at Nesta.

Nesta gave him a cold stare in return.

“She is _not_ a witch, and I certainly do not own her. She can do what she wants,” Cassian said.

“Well, if you expect her to survive in these mountains, you may want to encourage her to stay away from the other Illyrians,” Devlon casually suggested before turning around to leave the ring and head back to wherever he came from.

Cassian frowned at his retreating back before leaving the ring himself, slamming the ring’s gate behind him.

As her eyes followed him, she couldn’t help but wonder...How could he stand this treatment? The inhabitants and the war-lord didn’t respect his status as the General Commander. _Why does he even bother fighting for these females? Why does he even stay in the Illyrian Mountains? Is this all just to honor his mother?_

Cassian didn’t bother looking at Nesta. Instead, he continued his trek with long strides toward his home.

At first, Nesta debated if she should even follow him to the cabin but soon found her feet had a mind of their own and strode after Cassian. By overexerting herself, she finally managed to catch up to him.

But when she reached him, she found she didn’t know what to say to him. And yet, with deep breaths, she tried to match his pace. Cassian glanced to his side when she appeared, and when he finally noticed she was trying to keep up with him, he slowed down.

Cassian took a few deep breaths as if he was trying to calm himself. “I didn’t expect to see you at the training ring today. You must’ve enjoyed seeing them insult me,” he said wryly.

_I only enjoy you being insulted if I’m the one doing the teasing_ , she thought to herself but didn’t dare to say it aloud.

“How do you stand it?” she asked, disregarding his comment. “Why do you keep trying to help them if they don’t respect you?”

Cassian shrugged. “Even though they deny it...they’re still my people. My mother’s people. I don’t want anyone to be treated the way my mother was ever again. So I just keep trying.”

“You’re a fool,” Nesta muttered, not understanding how he, an outsider to his own people, would want to keep trying and helping them if all they did was mock him. They didn’t care about him. He didn’t even fit in with them, having different values and beliefs than them.

This was worse than not finding pictures of yourself in your own sister’s estate.

“Maybe so,” he said seriously, as if he also had doubts about why he kept trying.  

“What are you going to do about them?” she asked as they turned around a corner of a cabin.

“Well, I don’t plan to try training those females again anytime soon. I’ll have to talk to Rhys about how to handle enforcing their training schedule.”

“Have you done anything about that other camp...the one that left the birds?” Nesta blocked the image of the dead birds out of her brain.

Cassian sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I haven’t decided what to do yet.”

“Sounds like a great plan,” Nesta remarked sarcastically.  

“Thank you for your confidence in me,” Cassian stated, matching her tone, as his cabin came into sight. A female was sitting on the platform before the front door, and Cassian immediately resumed his quick pace, easily passing up Nesta.

Nesta trailed a few steps behind him. Once Cassian reached the cabin, she heard him speak to the female.

“Emerie, what’s happened?”

As Emerie stood up, Nesta walked up to Cassian’s side, wondering who this female could be. This Illyrian female who willingly talked to and waited for Cassian.

And didn’t have wings…

Emerie eyed Nesta carefully before moving her eyes back to Cassian’s. “Someone raided my store.”

Cassian let out a sigh of frustration. “Do you know who?”

Emerie shook her head. “But they only took the items you had ordered for the nearby camps for Solstice.”

_Why would he bother giving gifts to those who despised him?_

Suddenly, the image of a small wooden box within Cassian’s hands appeared in her brain. Despite months of her trying to have nothing to do with him, he still tried to give her a gift...

Cassian let out another sigh. “Maybe it was Dunclare…”

“Why Dunclare?” Emerie asked.

“They’ve already made a threat against me.”

“What kind of threat?”

“They left me some of their dead birds,” he explained nonchalantly.

A cold, bitter wind blew over them, sending a shiver down Nesta’s spine that caused Cassian to glance over at her.

“Let’s talk more about this inside,” Cassian said as he stepped forward and unlocked the door. He pulled the knob and held the door open for the two females. “Emerie, this is Nesta. Nesta, Emerie,” Cassian said as they shook the snow off their boots and walked in. “She’s a shopkeeper nearby and has been trying to help somewhat with Illyrian relations.”

The two females simply nodded in greeting as they headed to the kitchen area.

“So you’re the witch everyone’s been talking about?” Emerie asked.

“Yes,” Nesta quickly replied. Cassian sighed again. “I’ve never heard of you,” she continued as she narrowed her eyes. “Cassian’s never mentioned you.”

“It’s hard to tell things to someone who doesn’t care to listen or talk back,” Cassian piped in as he eyed Nesta with a flare of frustration in his eyes.

 “Are you sleeping with Cassian?” Nesta asked bluntly and seriously.

“Nesta!” Cassian shouted in outrage.

“No,” Emerie answered calmly.

“Good. A female with standards,” Nesta commented.

“That’s rich coming from you,” Cassian spat back. “You slept with cowards who weren’t brave enough to face me.”

“Males and females alike simply don’t want to deal with a buffoon like you,” Nesta fired back.

“And you think you’re a delight to deal with?” Cassian said incredulously.

“I like her already,” Emerie added with a hint of a smile on her face as she took a seat at the kitchen table.

Cassian growled as Nesta smirked at him and sat down at the table. “Let’s eat lunch,” he mumbled as he gathered some bread, meat, cheese, and plates and brought them to the table.

After Cassian sat down, the three of them gathered each item to make their own sandwich. “When did the raid happen, Emerie?” Cassian asked before taking a bite of his food.

Emerie swallowed. “Early this morning, when I was out. They broke the door down. When I returned, only the items you purchased for Solstice were gone.”

Cassian groaned. “It sounds like something Dunclare would do. Because of their disdain for me, they wouldn’t want me attempting to spread some goodwill among the camps.”

“Well, are you actually going to do anything about it?” Nesta wondered aloud in a sharp tone.

“I need to think this through.”

“What’s there to think through? Write to them and show them who their commander is,” Nesta advised angrily.

“It’s not that simple.”

“It would be a start.”

“I should really talk this over with Rhys,” Cassian said as he ran a hand through his hair.

“I don’t see why you’d need to. Just meet with them.”

“Why do you suddenly care so much?” Cassian asked as he stared at her.

She was silent for a moment before she decided to reply. “Well, they threatened me too and…” she trailed off.

_And therefore my child._

She didn’t need to speak it aloud. Cassian seemed to understand what she had been about to say as his face softened.

“What do you think I should do?” he asked gently.

She took a moment to ponder his question. “Write a letter to the war-lord and ask if you can meet with him.”

“That’s it?”

“It’s a start. We’ll see where it leads from there.”

“We?”

 “I thought we already established that this Dunclare camp has threatened both you and me. I do not take threats against me lightly. If I’m going to be forced to stay here, I don’t want to be living in danger.”

Emerie gave her a perplexed look at the words.

“My sister has ordered me to stay here for at least a year,” Nesta explained to Emerie.

“It’s a long story,” Cassian added.

“And you’re okay with this?” Emerie wondered.

“I...tolerate it.”

With the pregnancy, Nesta strangely realized she felt...thankful to be away from her controlling, invasive sister. She hadn’t spoken to her or Elain in over a month now and the space away from them provided her with a much-needed break from their criticisms and pestering.

Of course, she still had to deal with Cassian, but so far, it had been...endurable.

Upon finishing his meal, Cassian got up from the table and briefly left the room before returning with a piece of parchment and pen.

As Nesta and Emerie finished chewing their food, Cassian began to scrawl on the parchment. After Nesta took her final bite, Cassian slid the parchment toward her. “What do you think?”

Nesta picked up the letter and read it. Once she finished, she slid it back to Cassian. “It’s too demanding. They’re already bitter about your status as the General Commander. You don’t want to infuriate them even more.”

“Hmm,” was all Cassian said as he took the parchment back. He then proceeded to cross some things out and scribbled something.

He slid the paper back to Nesta.

Her eyes scanned the letter. “Hand me your pen,” she ordered him, and Cassian did as requested.

Nesta made her own corrections before sliding the letter and pen back to him. “You also don’t want to sound too weak either. You still have to command some respect.”

Cassian read through her amendments and made a few more corrections of his own before giving the letter back to her.

As she read it, she didn’t pick up the pen at all. “Good. Now write it on a fresh piece of parchment and send it off.” She pushed the letter back to Cassian.

He stared at her as he took the letter. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

For a brief moment, Nesta found herself swelling with pride, but she was quick to squash it.

What did it matter that she had the approval of some egotistical bastard?

She at least tried to convince herself that it didn’t matter, but she was failing. So she immediately got up and without a word, returned to her room for the afternoon.

Distance always helped keep pesky emotions at bay after all.

* * *

 

She spent the rest of the afternoon reading, just like every other afternoon she’d spent there.

Her lunch with Cassian and Emerie had been the longest she’d spent within Cassian’s cabin outside her room. It also marked the first time she’d eaten a meal with Cassian since arriving here.

Dare she say she found the change...refreshing?

While she never liked people in general and she certainly enjoyed time alone, there were occasionally instances where she wanted to feel... _not alone._

Spending most of her time alone in her room had definitely started to drive her crazy. Conversing with Emerie and Cassian for lunch had felt...oddly pleasant.

While her and Emerie only chatted for a bit, she felt like she was someone she wouldn’t mind having as an acquaintance.

With Cassian...he was still an obnoxious bat, but one she felt she could tolerate.

As long as she kept her former emotions at bay and reminded herself that he was only helping her because of his mother. Not because of her. He couldn’t understand how her sisters could love her, she reminded herself.

She heard a knock at her door, followed by Cassian shouting “Dinner!”

When she opened the door, Cassian had already vanished but a steaming bowl of stew was sitting on the ground. Picking it up, she stepped back inside her room.

When she reached her bed, she paused and looked down at the open book that Cassian had given her.

If she felt alone here in the mountains, and Cassian also appeared to be alone here based on the day’s events, then perhaps they could...be alone together.

She turned around to leave her room and headed to the kitchen.

* * *

 

Nesta Archeron had shocked Cassian four times that day.

First, she had been watching him train with the Illyrian females. It was completely unexpected. He hadn’t noticed her presence until he tried to shake Hera’s spit off of his face, leaving him briefly with his guard down. Hera had seized the opportunity to knee him between the legs.

Nesta didn’t seem to want to bother with him unless she had to, which meant he was always the one to initiate any sort of conversation with her since they’d been here. She didn’t even care to leave her room at all when he was in the cabin. In the weeks between the time they visited his birthplace and today, he scarcely saw her.

To see her actually stopping to watch him train today was strange. Her witnessing the other Illyrians insult him was...humiliating. She already thought so lowly of him. And then she saw how low the others thought of him…

_Why do I even care?_

He then was shocked when she had chosen to follow after him after the failed training session. At first he figured she wouldn’t want to walk back home with him, but she came to him for once. He couldn’t ignore that.

Then she actually ate lunch with him and _helped_ him compose a letter.

But the fourth surprise came when, shortly after he dropped off her dinner outside her door and he returned to eat in the kitchen, Nesta appeared, carrying her food with her.

Without a word, she sat in the seat across from him and started eating her meal. At the sight of her, Cassian couldn’t help but halt his eating and stare at her open-mouthed.

“Close your mouth. It’s not an attractive look for you,” Nesta stated sharply before eating a spoonful of stew.

Cassian quickly transformed his bewildered face into a smug one as he leaned back in his chair. “Then tell me sweetheart, what look on me would be most pleasing to you?”

Nesta rolled her eyes. “There’s not much you can do with that face of yours - ”

“Because it’s already perfect?” Cassian interjected with a wink at her.

“Don’t make me regret coming to eat out here,” she said sternly as she glared at him.

Still sporting a satisfied grin, he picked up his spoon to continue eating. “So if it’s not my dashing good looks, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?”

Nesta rolled her eyes again. “Reading about what’s to come during this pregnancy was starting to nauseate me, so I thought eating out here might be more slightly more enjoyable. However, talking to you is starting to become equally nauseating.”

This game of theirs...where they teased each other and got under each other’s skin…He got a thrill out of it. But he knew he couldn’t push it too far. He was lucky today. She hadn’t even made a move to leave the table despite their comments to each other.  

But then she put her spoon down on the table, leaving half of her stew uneaten. Ever since she found out she was pregnant, Nesta had been doing so well with eating all of her meals completely. And now she looked a bit uneasy…

She wouldn’t be _seriously_ nauseated from eating with him...would she?

“Nesta, is something wrong?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Nesta,” he pleaded.

Nesta sighed. “Suddenly the thought of eating stew just sounds disgusting, and I’m craving pancakes instead,” she said irritably.

“Then I’ll make you pancakes,” Cassian exclaimed as he instantly got up from his chair to search for the ingredients within his cupboards.

“You don’t need to,” Nesta said as she shook her head.

“It’s fine,” Cassian insisted. “I want to.”

“Why?”

“I’m...just relieved you’re eating again,” Cassian answered as he turned away from her and began putting the flour, eggs, butter, and milk in a bowl. Her thin body had been terribly alarming, and he would do everything he could to bring her back to a healthy weight.

Nesta said nothing in return.

“I’m going to visit Rhys and Feyre in Velaris tomorrow so I’ll be gone for most of the day,” Cassian announced as he mixed the ingredients.

“To see if the letter is a good idea?” she asked in an offended tone.

“No,” Cassian was quick to reply. He turned to look back at her. “I already sent off your letter.”

Nesta stared back at him. He tried to analyze her features and figure out what she was thinking...but this pose was what he deemed her _I’m Deliberately Hiding Any Sign of Emotion From You_ pose. He turned back to the bowl to continue mixing.

“Then why are you visiting them?” she asked.

“I need to meet with them often to discuss reports on the Illyrians, and then they tell me of any news within the Court.”

“And are you going to tell them I’m pregnant?”

Cassian paused his mixing to turn and look at her again. “I promised you I wouldn’t tell them.”

“And we’ve discussed how you sometimes break your promises,” Nesta said seriously.

“Well, I am not telling them.”

“Okay.”

“Is there anything you do want me to tell Feyre or Elain? Or if you want to write them a letter, I can give it to them?”

“No,” Nesta quickly answered. Cassian went back to making the batter.

“I’ll probably go visit the healer tomorrow for the monthly check-up,” Nesta added.

“Did you want me to go with you?” Cassian asked while pouring the batter into a pan on the stove. “I could move my meeting with Rhys -”

Nesta cut him off. “You don’t need to do that.”

He said he’d help her through this and wouldn’t let her feel alone. But...what did that all entail? Just providing her a place to stay? Should he do all the things a father would be expected to do?

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“I don’t need you there,” she said firmly.

Her “ _I don’t need you”_ stuck out in his brain, and it sent a jolt of pain through him.

She may have eaten lunch and dinner with him today...but maybe it was simply for the sake of not feeling alone. Not for actually wanting _his_ company. He was still just a bastard after all. Perhaps she could only tolerate his presence for so long.

He wasn’t even sure why he cared so much...why he was hoping for more from her. Despite dreading spending the year in Illyria with her, he supposed he still yearned for the female who covered his body in front of the King of Hybern would return.

A likely foolish hope.

He flipped the pancake to cook the other side, losing himself in these thoughts as he waited for the pancake to be done. Once it was finished, he proceeded to make a few more pancakes, then brought Nesta a stack of them on a plate with some syrup. As soon as he sat them before her, she began to devour them.

Cassian sat back in his seat and finished his stew. They ate in silence, too busy eating their meals.

When they had finished, Nesta brought her dish and Cassian’s bowl to the sink to wash them.

“You don’t need to do that,” Cassian said.

“I need to do something,” she remarked as she turned the faucet on and picked up the sponge. “You made me two meals tonight.”

“You don’t need to worry about it.”

“I do,” she said as she started to scrub.

There was no use in fighting her. “Well, I’m going to head upstairs,” he stated as he got up from his seat. “Goodnight, Nesta.”

She continued to stand with her back facing him as she scrubbed. “Thank you...for both the food and the books,” she said gently.

“You’re welcome,” he replied with a small smile before leaving the kitchen to head up to his room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for all the comments/kudos/subscriptions! Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter too! The next chapter is SUPER LONG! And I'll be bringing on the drama :) 
> 
> Hope you all have a wonderful week!


	4. December

**_December_ **

December’s arrival brought even colder weather and more snow to the Illyrian Mountains, causing Cassian to pack an abundance of warm clothing and blankets for his visit to the Dunclare camp the following day. One would think a camp offering to let him stay with them for a few days would provide proper bedding, but he was the resented bastard visiting a camp during a tense time. Who knew what they would provide him, so he had to make sure to bring blankets along for himself.

A few days after he had sent the letter that Nesta helped him compose off to the Dunclare camp, the camp’s war-lord, Orion, replied with an invite for Cassian to stay with them during the Winter Solstice celebrations as an act of goodwill. It seemed strange that after this camp had committed the hostile act of leaving dead birds at his cabin, they were now inviting him to celebrate a holiday with them. It left him wondering whether the Dunclare camp really did leave the birds...perhaps a Dunclare camp member acted solo in leaving the dead birds, or it was all a ruse and another camp actually left them…

When he informed Nesta of the reply, she agreed it seemed suspicious, but at least they had agreed to meet. He couldn’t decline, otherwise it would be seen as another slight towards them. He would just have to remain alert during his stay with them.

Unfortunately, this meant he’d be missing the Solstice snowball fight with Rhys and Az this year. Cassian sighed.

Picking up his pack, he made his way downstairs to the living room with the intention of finding at least one more blanket to pack. When he reached the room, he found Nesta sitting on the couch with a book in her hands and mounds of blankets covering her legs.

Ever since she had eaten lunch and dinner with him for the first time last month, she’d gradually begun to spend more and more time outside her room and started joining him for meals. They didn’t always talk during their meals, and if they did, they always bickered about something. Things like her criticizing him for skimping on the chocolate chips in her pancakes because he thought it would be too much sugar for the baby or him nagging her to eat more helpings of food since she was eating for two now.

At least she was interacting with him. It was better than the past year when she was wasting away and hardly ever talking to him.

Occasionally, Emerie would join them for dinner too. Those dinners were usually filled with conversation, and to his surprise, Nesta would make an effort to talk with Emerie.

As he looked over at Nesta on the couch, he was about to ask her why she didn’t have a fire going in the fireplace, but she spoke first as she looked up at him and laid her book aside. “I’m going with you to Dunclare.”

Cassian’s eyes widened as he dropped his pack on the floor. “What?”

Nesta got up off the couch and stood right in front of him. “I’m going with you to Dunclare. You shouldn’t be going alone.”

“But...you’re pregnant,” Cassian stated.

“Yes, but being pregnant doesn’t make me weak,” she replied through gritted teeth.

“That’s not what I’m implying!” he exclaimed as he ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t think it’s safe for you to go, especially considering the fact that you’re carrying a child!”

“It isn’t safe for you to go alone,” she said simply.

“And you actually care about my safety?”

Memories of Nesta calling him to her before he was hit by a blast of light and her shielding his body from the King of Hybern flashed in his mind.

He didn’t know if the Nesta currently standing before him was like the one who did such things. For so long after the war, she didn’t care about anything anymore. Did she care now?

“If they end up killing you, Feyre will probably force me to go live with her,” Nesta answered. “I’d like to avoid that at all costs so someone needs to watch your back.”

“I suppose I should be glad that you at least find me tolerable to live with?”

Nesta simply shrugged. “Anything’s better than living with Feyre.”

“But we didn’t tell Orion you’d be coming. Wouldn’t it be offensive for you to show up unannounced?” he wondered.

“Remember how Emerie said she heard in the taverns that the Illyrians consider me to be your whore? They’ve probably assumed you’ll be bringing your _whore_ along with you anyway.”

Cassian sighed. “I don’t think you should go.”

Nesta crossed her arms against her chest. “Cassian, they threatened both of us with those two birds. I’m going whether you like it or not,” she sternly replied.

“I could easily fly off without you.” Cassian crossed his arms against his chest to match her pose.

“Then I’ll have no choice but to walk to the camp,” Nesta explained. “And you’ll have to deal with the fact that you let a pregnant woman make such a long, rigorous trek in the bitter cold.”

Cassian groaned as Nesta smirked deviously at him.

He knew there was nothing he could say to convince her not to go at this point. Her mind was set. He had no choice but to give in.

“We depart midday tomorrow,” he said in defeat.

* * *

After stashing a few blades in his Illyrian leathers, Cassian made his way down the stairs.

Standing near the front door was Nesta all bundled up with her pack on the floor beside her, next to his own.

He had hardly gotten any sleep the night before, worrying over how unsafe it was for her to go with him. Illyrians were very protective and concerned over their own kind...they weren’t exactly friendly with non-Illyrians. It was yet another thing he would have to work on with them.

He was also baffled by the fact that Nesta willingly wanted to go somewhere _with him_ and would allow him to fly her there. He definitely wasn’t going to waste the opportunity to tease her about this.

“Are you ready?” he asked her.

Nesta nodded.

“Did you pack your prenatal potion?” he asked, referring to the medicine he knew the healer had recently given her.

“Yes,” Nesta answered.

“And are you feeling okay? No queasiness?”

Nesta nodded. “I haven't had any morning sickness this week.”

“And you’re sure you still want to go to Dunclare?”

“Yes,” she answered firmly.

“Okay,” Cassian said before bending down to wrap one of his pack’s straps around Nesta’s bag to buckle them and attach them together. “I’m going to need your help strapping this to my back...because of the wings and all,” he added with a mischievous grin.

Nesta’s previously seemingly calm face quickly transformed into a wary one.

“I’m going to hold the pack against my back, and you’re going to have to wrap these straps around my shoulder and armpit and buckle them, then adjust them so they’re tight against my body,” Cassian explained as he gestured to the straps on their packs.

Nesta gave a slow nod of understanding. She didn’t look pleased at all. Cassian nearly laughed as he flipped the packs over his head and onto his back, holding it there as he waited for Nesta to do as he instructed.

Looking uneasy, Nesta reached beneath his left arm to grab hold of the straps and proceeded to wrap them around his shoulder and fasten them. The action forced her to run her hand against his body in multiple spots, giving him a tingling sensation even through his thick Illyrian leathers. To be touched by her was a rare occurrence...the last time she did so was when she wrapped her hands around his neck when they flew home after they visited his birthplace and his mother’s grave.

He imagined touching him must have been affecting her in some way as well, considering he could no longer hear her breathing. Was she seriously not trying to inhale his scent as she stood this close to him?

“Sweetheart, I know the sight of me leaves you breathless, but you’ll die if you don’t breathe,” Cassian joked.

Nesta huffed as she moved to wrapping the strap around his other shoulder and tried to speedily accomplish her task. “Don’t think so highly of yourself. Your stench is so bad, I can’t breathe,” she coolly replied.

The devilish look in his eyes didn’t disappear from his eyes as she made her comment. He knew her words weren’t true. He had bathed early that morning.

“I just bathed this morning.”

“It doesn’t smell like it.”

“Then perhaps when we get to Dunclare you can help me properly bathe, since I clearly have been doing it all wrong if I still smell.”

Nesta looked horrified at his suggestion. She had just finished tightening the strap and immediately stepped away from him. “Can we just get going already?” she said impatiently.

“So eager to help me bathe I see,” he commented as he let go of the pack at his back. Nesta groaned in response.

While he still was wary of her was going with him, at least he got some fun of his own in teasing her.

He opened the front door and gestured for her to walk outside. Once she did so, he closed the door behind him and held open his arms for her. “Let’s go,” he said seriously.

Nesta wrapped her scarf over her mouth and brought her hood up over her face. After slipping on her gloves, she walked up to Cassian, and he picked her up to carry her in his arms.

Together, they soared toward Dunclare.

* * *

The journey lasted less than an hour before they finally landed outside the main cabin of the Dunclare camp. Standing there waiting for them was the camp’s leader, Orion. Cassian could see his smug smile radiating from his face even before they descended.

The grin left Cassian feeling very uneasy.

That grin however did slightly falter when his eyes fell upon Nesta in his arms. Gently, Cassian set her upon the ground and ensured she was balanced before letting go of her.

“Cassian,” Orion casually said in greeting, declining to refer to him as General Commander. “I see you brought your witch with you to be your bodyguard?”

Recalling the moment last month when Nesta told Emerie she was a witch, Cassian figured she would want to be seen as someone menacing and not to be messed with...even if she wasn’t _really_ a witch.

“Indeed,” he replied with a grin. With a quick glance toward Nesta, he found a satisfied, devious smile upon her face. “I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.”

“It is no trouble at all,” he answered calmly as the cold wind blew his hair back and away from his tattooed face. “We only have one tent prepared for you and do not have another to spare. But I assume one tent will suffice for you and your...companion?”

 _The Illyrians all consider me to be your whore,_ he recalled Nesta’s words.

Now their sharing of a tent would do nothing to destroy that notion, but what else could they do?

“That will be fine,” Nesta piped in. “My name is Nesta, by the way. I believe you must be Orion?”

Her words dripped with fake cheeriness, but perhaps only he could tell it was fake because Cassian was more familiar with her.

“Yes,” Orion said in a clipped tone.

And that was all he said to her. He didn’t even offer to shake her hand.

“I’ll have your belongings brought to your tent,” Orion said as another Illyrian approached them and took the pack from Cassian after he removed it from his back. “Since it’s been _a long time_ since you’ve last been to our camp, I’ll give you a tour of it to reacquaint yourself. Then, we’ll sit down for lunch.”

Cassian certainly did not care for Orion’s jab with him emphasizing _a long time_ in his statement, nor him disregarding Nesta. It appeared things were going to be chippy between them already…

But he kept his rage inside and instead gave him a firm nod in agreement.

* * *

 

The afternoon indeed consisted of a tour of the camp and lunch, but it also consisted of Orion constantly ignoring Nesta’s presence as well as throwing snide remarks Cassian’s way regarding the inferiority of his birth. However, Cassian refused to take the bait for these comments or Orion’s lack of reply to Nesta’s questions about the camp.

Well, it was more like Nesta would give him a look when it seemed like he was about to unleash his anger on Orion, and that look from her made him pause and hold his tongue.

In time, he would make Orion pay for his words and actions, but for now they would play nice with the hopes of talking about possible reforms later during their visit.

He was just relieved that Orion had dropped them off at their tent and left them to get refreshed before the evening’s Solstice celebrations. At least they would have a short reprieve from his insolence.

After he pulled back the tent flap and gestured for Nesta to enter before him, he found the tent to be a bit more extravagant than expected. It wasn’t a simple tent. This one actually had a table, a chair, a tall mirror, and a bed.

Nesta glanced around the tent and also seemed to be amazed it wasn’t just a bedroll upon the ground. She walked straight toward the bed and laid down upon it. “That man’s a prick,” she said as she rested her head back against the pillow.

Cassian chuckled. “You got that right. I’m shocked you managed to keep asking him questions in such a cheery voice. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

Nesta narrowed her eyes at him and let out a “hmph.” “I was _trying_ to help you by not straining the relationship with them any further.”

Who knew that Nesta Archeron would actually want to help him...let alone actually admit to it. He’s not sure what precisely made her want to him help him, but he couldn’t help but marvel at it.

“I appreciate that,” he genuinely said as he smiled at her.

Nesta closed her eyes. “By the way, you’re sleeping on the floor tonight,” she told him. 

“Because you’re afraid you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands off of me?” he replied cheekily. The minute Orion had informed them there would only be one tent, he knew Nesta certainly wasn’t going to share a bed with him. And he wasn’t going to let a pregnant female sleep on the floor either.

If her eyes were open, he was sure he would’ve seen them roll at his comment.

“Instead of deluding yourself, perhaps you could clean up for Solstice while I take a brief nap,” she said before yawning.

“Alright,” he said without a fight, choosing instead to let her have the chance to sleep for a little while.

A bowl of water sat on a small table within the tent. Stepping in front of it, he splashed some water on his face and dabbed it with a towel. Then he stood before the tall mirror and ran his hand through his hair until he deemed he looked decent enough before sitting down at the table.

He tried to process all that occurred that day...and not focus on each breath that Nesta took. But with the day’s long journey plus the exhaustion from having to be in Orion’s company, Cassian soon found himself falling asleep in the chair with his head lolling forward.

It was only when he heard some rustling later on that he woke up. As he slowly opened his eyes, he found Nesta crouched over and rummaging through her pack that was at the foot of the bed. Upon finding her black hair ribbon, she stood back up and faced the mirror.

Her hair had already been partially braided in the front, and she used the ribbon to pull her hair into a bun at the back of it. The black ribbon matched the simple black dress she was now wearing. His eyes scanned over her body, and he realized that for the first time in a long while, her clothing was now hugging her body as opposed to simply hanging off her previously bony and alarmingly thin body.

She looked radiant.

“You look beautiful,” Cassian said quietly, but Nesta flinched, clearly taken by surprise that he had awoken.

Nesta shook her head as she went back to staring in the mirror. “I don’t need your false words of flattery to make me feel like I’m not going look like an inflated balloon soon,” she remarked as she ran her hands over her stomach which was ever so slightly beginning to show signs of life within her. At her waist, her dress appeared to be a bit tight.

“I’m not lying. This is the healthiest you’ve looked in over a year,” he said, unable to hide the awe is his voice. He straightened up in his chair as he continued to gaze at her. “We’ll probably have to go buy you some new clothes soon. We could make a trip to the shops of Velaris, if you want.”

“Maybe,” Nesta said pensively as she continued to stare at her waist in the mirror, lightly tugging at her dress as she did so. With one last glance at herself in the mirror, she grabbed her coat and bundled herself up again. “Are you ready?” she asked as she looked over at him.

Cassian sighed. “To deal with that twit? No,” he replied as he slowly stood up and headed over to the tent’s entrance and pulled back the flap for her to walk out. “After you, sweetheart.”

Instead of rolling her eyes at his use of the word “sweetheart” - in fact, it seemed like she was finally getting used to or at least tolerating the term - she coolly strode out of the tent, and Cassian followed after her.

* * *

 

As they approached the cabin of the Illyrian family hosting the Solstice celebrations, they could hear loud music being played as well as boisterous laughter and chatter.

Her and Cassian had agreed en route that they should try splitting up at the party. It would give them the opportunity to talk with the Illyrians and possibly find out if they all had issues with Cassian and her or if it was simply the camp’s leaders who had problems with them.

“If anyone so much looks at you the wrong way, you have my permission to drop the fake-cheerful Nesta act and unleash your wrath upon them. Consequences be damned,” Cassian stated seriously when they reached the front door.

“As tempting as that is, we _do_ need to consider the consequences if we expect any changes to be made,” Nesta replied. “And I don’t _ever_ need _your_ permission to do anything.”

“Apologies. I misspoke. I just don’t want you to hold back in case you...were holding back on because of me,” Cassian stated awkwardly as he looked at her as if she were some enigma that he couldn’t figure out. She had certainly shocked him by insisting she come here with him. It probably puzzled him further that she kept trying to help him.

But all of this wasn’t just for him...it was mostly for the growing babe within her. She needed to be a good mother for the child. Her track record of being able to take care of others as well as herself was already terrible and she needed to rectify it.

A few years back, she had failed her own sisters by doing nothing as their father wasted away in his own pity. It had been up to Feyre to provide for the family and take care of them.

As the eldest child, it should’ve been Nesta.

And now...for the past few months Nesta was _still_ being taken care of by her sister through her abundance of wealth while Nesta had been doing _nothing._ It was a repeat of what had happened before.

_How could I let this happen again?_

And since being in the Illyrian Mountains, Cassian was helping to take care of her by letting her stay in his cabin, making pancakes when she craved them, ensuring she had her prenatal tonic....

And what had she been doing this whole time?

Nothing.

That “nothing” needed to come to an end. She could no longer just sit by and let whatever happen to her. She needed to regain control. She was responsible for someone else now, after all.

Just like her father’s lack of action threatened her family’s lives...this godforsaken camp had threatened her and her child. They may not have known she was with child, but they’d both been threatened all the same.

This time she would not stand the threat.

Without even replying to Cassian’s statement, she took a deep breath that she could see escape her mouth in the freezing weather. She then yanked open the door, and the sounds of the party were so loud, it would be impossible to hear Cassian if he said anything to her.

Illyrians were everywhere. The cabin was packed full of them. In the main room, couples were dancing to the jovial tunes played by the lutists, flutists, and harpists. Ahead, some hungry Illyrians surrounded a large, long table with various foods and drinks piled upon it.

There was so much laughter and chatter in the air.

That is, until Nesta and Cassian passed them by.

As they walked through the crowd, many of them would pause mid-sentence to turn their head and stare at them. Some looked afraid, while others were stern and annoyed. Nesta in turn gave them a glare that told them to _stop_ staring.

The look sent many of them to immediately start their respective conversations up again, continuing where they had left off and avoiding Nesta altogether.

She could sense that Cassian was no longer following behind her. With a quick glance behind her, she saw he had stopped to talk with someone. He met her eyes and signaled for her to continue to explore the party without him.

It was a relief that Cassian trusted she could handle herself.

Striding forward, she headed toward the coat rack to drop off her jacket, then proceeded to the food table. As soon as she reached it, those who were there to grab some of the appetizers immediately left the table.

Nesta let out a small groan. She probably wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone at this party and would be completely useless.

It seemed she and the baby were quite hungry, so she went ahead and grabbed herself a plate of food before slowly making her way through the hordes of people to the dance area.

As she watched the couples twirl around the room, she couldn’t help but be reminded of all the balls she had gone to back when her father was a wealthy merchant. She would be obsessed with wearing the prettiest gown and having her hair done in a special braid. Appearances had meant everything to her. It was the way you maintained a high status in the village, and therefore attracted the attention of wealthy men.

But now...she simply no longer cared about those things. Here she was at a ball, pregnant, arriving with a male who was neither her husband nor lover, and in a very simple gown.

Her dead, former human self would probably be rolling in her grave. At least her hair was arranged neatly upon her head.

At one point, she stopped and watched the Illyrians dance for a while as she nibbled on her food and lost herself in her reverie.

“You look like you could use a dance,” a voice smoothly said beside her sometime later. “Would you like to join me?”

Nesta turned her head and found an attractive, lean Illyrian male with short dark hair and blue eyes standing there with his hand held out for her to grab.

After swallowing the bit of fruit within her mouth, she gave him a steely look. “And what about me exactly says I could use a dance?”

“You’re standing here alone, looking ravishing, in a dress that deserves to be whirled around,” he replied with a sly grin.

_What a ridiculous line._

But she had to remember that right now she wasn’t herself. If this was some party she was willing to be a part of, she wouldn’t have accepted such an offer. But here, she was acting as an emissary of sorts. She needed to find out what he thought of Cassian and the other camps.

Duty called.

Before she could find a spot to place her plate, the male grabbed it from her and set it down on a random table before grabbing hold of her hand.

She held in her frustration at his presumptuousness. Normally, she would have thrown a fit over the fact that he didn’t even wait for her to agree to the dance before grabbing her hand.

He pulled her to the dance floor, placing one hand at her waist. Nesta carefully rested her free hand upon his shoulder, and the male proceeded to lead her in a dance.

As they spun about the room, Nesta was eager to see what kind of information she could find out about this male who was brave enough to speak to her, let alone dance with her.

“Everyone else here is either afraid or repulsed by me. Why aren’t you?” she asked bluntly.

The male chuckled to himself. “Because I know there’s nothing to fear. And I know there’s a fun side to you.”

Nesta gave him a perplexed look. What was this chump going on about?

“And how would you know that?”

“You don’t remember me, Nesta? Perhaps I can refresh your memory,” he whispered and before she could even realize what was happening, he leaned forward and slowly planted kisses along her jawline.

Aghast, Nesta froze. As he pulled back, her eyes narrowed in fury, and she inhaled his alcohol-laced breath.

Suddenly the smell of alcohol and the touch of a male brought her back to months ago when she would spend every night in a seedy bar, drinking until she couldn’t think at all, and searching for a male to come back with her to apartment to spend the night with her.

The reason she was pregnant in the first place. This could’ve been the father of her child for all she knew.

The male gently pushed her to get her out of her daze and to dance again. Nesta shook her head as she slowly moved her legs again. As she gazed over the male’s shoulder, she caught Cassian grumpily ripping a stein of alcohol out of Orion’s outstretched hand and downing it.

Nesta looked back at the male she was dancing with, tilting her head so she could analyze his face and features. Had he come to Velaris and been a male she slept with? She couldn’t remember a single face of any of the men she’d bedded.

None of them were memorable.

Not even the fact that he was Illyrian brought back any memory of him. There were a handful of Illyrians in Velaris. And if she ever happened to have an infuriating encounter with Cassian, she would try to seek one of them out to take to her bed. Because she knew he would find out about it.

How the hell could someone like her be a good mother when she could be so vindictive?

But she needed to regain composure. She couldn’t dwell on those worries. Not now.

“I can’t say I remember you,” she stated casually as she started dancing more smoothly. “I’m guessing we met in Velaris?”

He nodded, with that idiotic grin still upon his face.

“What is your name?” she asked, though she usually never bothered to know the names of the males she slept with.

“Mikal.”

“Sorry, I don’t recall ever meeting you,” she replied snobbily.

“Perhaps a repeat of our night together will jog your memory,” he purred in her ear as he rubbed his hand against her waist.

Nesta closed her eyes. These touches from a male she hardly knew...This was too much for her. All it did was remind her of her longing to escape.

That alcohol she smelled on his breath...it still called to her. Taunted her. Told her she was useless and shouldn’t worry about living. She should just waste her life away with drinks and males. Because what did it matter…

It was easier to resist the alcohol when it wasn’t within reach. But now...here...she could have some...

 _Focus. Focus. Focus,_ she chanted under her breath as Mikal twirled her around.

But now the movements were dizzying and that resurrecting desire to escape made her want to leave the dance area as soon as possible.

“I...I need to sit down,” she announced abruptly, dropping Mikal’s hand and rushing out of the dance area.

Walking through all the people, she eventually found an empty chair along the wall to sit in. She took a deep breath and scanned the room, searching for Cassian again.

But this time, she couldn’t find him.

Instead, Mikal found her and shoved a glass into her hands. “You should have a drink.”

She had hoped it was just a glass of water, but she took one whiff of it and deduced it was some kind of whisky. Once again, the smell was tempting her to go back to her listless life and just forget everything. Just live life numbly. It was easier that way.

But, as the healer had warned her, the alcohol could harm the baby.

The only thing she _had_ in this life was this baby. She could not risk hurting it...

But that whisky scent still called to her.

She needed to get out of here. She wished she was stronger than this, but she wasn’t. Not yet at least.

She needed to find Cassian.

“Get away from me,” she said to Mikal and shoved the glass back into his hands.

“I’m sure you’ll feel much better once you have a sip, darling,” Mikal stated as he gently tried to give it back to her.

“ _I said_ get away from me,” Nesta fired back harshly, glaring up at him towering over her. “And don’t _ever_ call me darling. You are nothing more than a piece of dust to me.”

Mikal glanced around, as if wondering if anyone witnessed the scene that was bubbling to break out. But no one seemed to notice anything amiss as their spat was covered up by the volume of the revel. With a shrug, he walked away from her.

_Finally._

Nesta took another deep breath and glanced around the party once more.

_Where was Cassian?_

She stood up to go where she had left her coat, ignoring the faces of those ogling at her as she passed. Grabbing her coat, she decided to head out the back door of the cabin, craving the fresh winter air to rid her of the smells of alcohol.

When she stepped outside, there was a large bonfire blazing. A few Illyrians were gathered around it, chatting amongst themselves as they threw back their beers.

But there was one standing alone, staring deep into the flames with his arms crossed against his chest and an angered look upon his face.

Looking nervously at the fire, she gulped. She already had to battle the temptation of the alcohol. She didn’t want to have to hear the cracking of the fire too...it would be too much. Thankfully the chatty and drunk Illyrians helped mask the noise, but she didn’t dare step any closer to the fire.

“Cassian,” she called out. “I’m heading back to the tent.”

Cassian looked up at her then, with his eyes full of agitation. He glanced at the nearby Illyrians, then strode through the snow toward her.

“Are you taking your _friend_ back with you?” he asked rather gruffly when he reached her. “Are you going to tell me to make sure I don’t come back for a while?”

“What are you talking about?” she wondered aloud in a voice that threatened to burst into rage.

Cassian shook his head in disbelief. “I thought things were different now. I thought you honestly wanted to come with me so you could _help_ me _._ But now I see you just wanted to come with me so you could find another male to bed,” he replied, clearly anguished. “You used me,” he added in a whisper.

“Things _are_ different now, you big oaf! I did come to help you!” she shot back.

“Sure didn’t look like it,” Cassian was quick to fire back at her, the fury in his eyes matching the blaze of the fire behind him.

“Ugh! You fool, _I do not want to sleep with him!_ If I wanted to find a male to sleep with, I would’ve found one in Windhaven while you were staying here! But I came here to help _you_ by trying to talk to an Illyrian as _we had agreed to do._ But I had to order him to get away from me because he was making me uncomfortable. And I came here to find you to tell you that I wanted to go back to the tent because all the alcohol here was becoming too tempting!” She yelled back, her body shaking with anger that Cassian would assume the worst in her.

The anger inhabiting Cassian seemed to fade and his formerly harsh face softened. He dropped his hands to his sides. “Is that true?”

“Yes,” she shouted emphatically.

He gazed deep into her eyes, as if searching for the truth there too. Seemingly finding her to be speaking honestly, his body relaxed and he hesitantly reached forward to gently grab both of her hands. And she let him...His large hands were rough and calloused as they encompassed her small, smooth ones.

“I’m sorry, Nesta. I’m sorry I was angry at you and assumed…” he began with his face looking concerned and apologetic. “I just saw him...kissing your jaw,” he added with disgust. “And I was…upset,” he finished hesitantly.

“Why?”

“Because...I was afraid the post-war Nesta had returned,” he stated seriously.

“Well...she hasn’t,” Nesta replied quietly.

“I’m sorry I doubted it,” he said with a soft smile and squeezed her hands.

Nesta immediately released his hands. The touch had simply felt...too intimate.

But as soon as she let go, she already missed the feeling of them. Ignoring it, she shoved her hands into her pockets.

“Anyway, I’m going back to our tent now,” Nesta said awkwardly.

“I’ll go back with you,” Cassian casually replied. “I’m starting to get a headache from trying to deal with these drunk boneheads. We can try talking to them again during their Solstice feast tomorrow.”

Nesta simply nodded, and the two of them walked through the darkness back to their tent in silence.

* * *

 

When they reached the tent, Cassian immediately began pulling the blankets out of his pack and laid them on the ground next to the bed, while Nesta gathered her nightclothes and went behind the folding screen on the other side of the bed to change.

She stepped from behind the screen to find the enormous body of Cassian nearly taking up all of the floor, with his wings tightly against his own body since there was no room for them to really rest anywhere.

Seeing that his eyes were closed, she blew out the lantern that sat on the table after packing her dress. Crawling into bed, her body shivered from the cold.

“Goodnight, Nesta,” Cassian called out from the floor.

“Goodnight, Cassian,” she replied as she stared up at the roof of the tent in the darkness.

She closed her eyes, but soon found her preoccupied mind was going to prevent her from falling asleep right away.

Here she was, lying comfortably (but still freezing cold) in a bed...while the male who opened up his home to her and so far had looked out for her during their stay in the Illyrian Mountains slept on the hard ground in this cold weather.

Was she really that heartless? No wonder Cassian assumed the worst in her.

Having him so close to her would be...unnerving. But his body heat could also help warm her…

Would she want to be an unmerciful parent and influence her child to be the same?

Nesta sighed. “Cassian,” she said in defeat. “Get in here.”

“What?”

“Get in this bed before I change my mind,” she demanded, and she heard Cassian shuffle around the floor and picking up his blankets to bring with him to the bed.

“I knew you couldn’t resist me,” he remarked cheekily as he laid the blankets on top of the others on the bed before sliding in the bed himself.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m using you for your warmth...but don’t you _dare_ touch me!”

Cassian quickly made sure to pull back his wings so they didn’t rest against Nesta’s side. “But it’ll be much warmer if I hold you.” His eyes were glinting with amusement.

“I’m not _that_ desperate for warmth.”

Cassian chuckled as he closed his eyes. “Thank you, Nesta,” he whispered.

Nesta turned on her side, away from Cassian, as she yawned. “You’re welcome,” she replied softly as she fell asleep to the sounds of Cassian’s steady breathing.

* * *

 

An hour or so into her sleep, Nesta felt a huge weight suddenly rest against her back, awaking her from her slumber.

She let out a frustrated sigh. “Cassian, I told you you aren’t allowed to touch me,” she rasped and elbowed him in the chest.

The lunk didn’t even move, nor did he even awake.

“Cassian!” Nesta exclaimed in a hushed tone. “Move over!”

He still didn’t stir. Nesta sat up and turned to face him. His face was buried in the pillow, and the rise and fall of his chest seemed...awfully slower than it was before.

Alarmed, Nesta immediately grabbed hold of his arm and tried to vigorously shake him awake.

“ _Cassian!”_ Nesta said over and over as she proceeded to try smacking at his face and swatting at his chest.

No reaction.

Suddenly, Nesta heard a rustling and whispers right outside the tent.

“Cassian should be knocked out by now...he drank quite a bit of the drugged ale after he saw you with his whore,” one voice said.

“Unfortunately, I couldn’t get her to drink the whisky, but she should be easy to take out,” a voice that sounded similar to Mikal’s stated.

Nesta’s heartbeat quickened as her mind raced to find possible solutions for getting out of...whatever was about to happen.

She quickly laid back down on the bed and closed her eyes to pretend she was asleep. Better to take them by surprise if she was going to attempt to attack them.

She just hoped she’d sense them coming before they attacked her.

She heard footsteps slowing walking through their tent and approaching their bed. “Goodbye, Cassian,” the unfamiliar voice whispered and Nesta shot up in bed to find the man holding a dagger that he was preparing to plunge in Cassian’s chest.

Nesta quickly shot out her hand to yank the man’s wrist away from Cassian’s body.

And as she did so...something strange occurred.

It was like the sounds of everything around her - the wind, Cassian, and these males’ breathing - all faded to the background. Instead, she could distinctly hear the sound of a heartbeat - one that wasn’t her own - and it was thrumming...within her.

Her hands suddenly felt like they were burning. At the spot where her hand met the male’s wrist, his skin as well as her hand seemed to be aglow with hot, raging power. The male released the dagger from his hand, and with his free hand tried to reach up to his throat because...he was suffocating. Nesta quickly picked up the abandoned dagger with her free hand.

Was she...doing this? Was she killing this man?

Suddenly, Mikal pushed her away from the other male and sent her falling off the bed and the dagger flew out of her hand. Mikal held a dagger of his own and prepared to stab her with it. Nesta quickly sat up and prayed that whatever had just happened with the other male would occur once again as she lunged to grab hold of his wrist.

Mikal froze in place, and all the noises around them faded away as Nesta heard the sound of his heart pumping. The dagger fell out of Mikal’s hand shortly after the heat from her hand intensified. His breathing slowed and he began to choke. Nesta released him, and he immediately dropped to the ground.

Nesta stared at their unconscious bodies, unsure of what just happened. Breathing heavily, she leaned over them, checking for signs that they were still breathing. Even though part of her wished they were dead, she knew that for Cassian’s sake, they would need to be alive. Or else their deaths could mean more damage with his relations with the Illyrians.

She lifted her hands and stared at them for a moment, wondering what kind of power they possessed. Then she laid one of her palms against Mikal’s chest to see if he was still alive...while also hoping she didn’t kill him.

Her hand didn’t get warm as it did before, and she didn’t clearly hear his heartbeat as she had before. But she did detect that he was still alive.

She then reached over to the other male’s chest to touch him. Once again, nothing unusual occurred as it had a few minutes ago. But he was still breathing.

Picking the daggers up off the ground, she stood up and placed them on the edge of the bed. Then she stood before Cassian’s unconscious body, hoping he would wake.

“Cassian,” she called out.

She was willing to risk touching the two intruders, knowing what they had intended to do, despite not knowing if whatever power she had would kill them.

But touching Cassian to try to shake him, she did not want to risk. Instead, she would just pray he would awake.

She called out his name a few more times, but to no avail. The only comfort she received was seeing the slow rise and fall of his chest.

Turning back toward the Illyrian males on the floor, she realized she needed to do _something_ about them and ensure they would not attack them again.

Digging through her pack, she found two of her hair ribbons. She kneeled down beside the two Illyrians and flipped them on her stomachs. Then, with the ribbons, she tightly tied the man’s wrists behind their backs.

Once she finished, Nesta sat on the bed beside Cassian and continued to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Nesta briefly wondered where the ridiculous power had come from. But she had no answers and didn’t want to dwell on it. She could not afford to have yet one more thing to worry about nor would she be able to stand the fact that there was another thing about her that was out of her control.

The thought normally would have angered her. But right now, she was terrified that Cassian would not wake up.

Her body and baby wanted her to sleep, but she could not. Not with three passed-out Illyrians lying around her, with only one that she wanted to see wake up.

She wasn’t what sure would happen if the other two awoke. Or if anyone else would be sent to kill her and Cassian. Grabbing the daggers, she moved them closer to her body.

Suddenly, a spasm of coughing erupted from Cassian’s mouth, causing Nesta to nearly jump. But out of instinct, she briefly yanked at his arm to get him to sit up. Once he did so, the coughing continued and he leaned forward off the edge of the bed between his legs as he began to vomit.

Nesta, now sitting behind him, pulled back his hair as he threw up.

And continued to throw up.

Nesta’s relief at seeing him wake up transformed back into concern when it seemed like he would not be able to stop vomiting.

She was so focused on helping him, she didn’t even notice Orion stroll into their tent, carrying a dagger of his own.

It was only when she spotted the glint of the dagger out of the corner of her eye when it was about to strike her that she dropped Cassian’s hair and grabbed Orion’s wrist instead.

And just like that, the heat within her palm and fingers returned instantly to match her rage. As she heard his heartbeat slow down, Orion’s eyes widened and he released his dagger.

Nesta yanked his arm to pull him closer to her. With his face right in front hers, she glowered at him. “Despite the bloodied ravens threat, we came here with the understanding that you would be willing to discuss the current issues,” she growled at him while he tried to scramble and reach up toward his neck. “And yet, here we are, trying to not get _murdered_ ! You have broken our trust, and we will _never_ deal kindly with you again. I’ve left you and your cronies over there alive, but if you betray us again, you will have _me_ to deal with and I will not hold back like I am now,” she threatened him gravely right before he fainted on the floor.

As soon as he fell, Nesta turned back to Cassian whose retching appeared to be subsiding. She resumed holding back his hair.

“What happened?” he raspily got out once he finally stopped heaving.

“I’ll tell you the full story later, but they drugged you with the ale, then tried to kill us. We need to get out of here. Now,” she said with a pointed look at the unconscious bodies in their tent.

Cassian nodded. While Nesta got up to gather their belongings and stepped around the passed out Illyrians, Cassian lethargically got up to drink some water that was on the nearby table.

As soon as their few items were packed and she was bundled up, Nesta gestured for Cassian to follow her outside the tent. At a sluggish pace, he went after her.

Throwing the packs onto her own back, she looked up at Cassian. “You’re clearly not well enough to fly right now. So let’s just start walking first. Do you know the way?”

Cassian nodded and strolled forward so he was walking with Nesta walking beside him. “Now tell me everything that happened.”

As they stomped through the snow in the darkness, Nesta launched into the story of what had transpired that evening.

Except she omitted the parts where she felt a burning sensation when she held their wrists and heard their heartbeat slow down. Instead, she said she managed to shove them to the ground and their heads hitting the ground knocked them out.  

Once she finished the story, Cassian let out a growl in anger and swore under his breath.

“Wait,” he suddenly said. “How did you manage to shove them all to the ground when they had daggers in their hands?”

“I…” Nesta began, but trailed off when she realized she didn’t know what to say without revealing the truth. She didn’t want to face the fact that she had some power that she didn’t know about nor know how to use. And she certainly didn’t want Cassian forcing her to try to find out.

She didn’t want to hear that she probably really was a witch.

“I mean, I know a glare from you can stun people, but I didn’t think its power was so strong it stopped people from stabbing you,” Cassian joked. “But really, how did you do it?”

Nesta just shrugged. “I was just quicker than them, I guess.”

Cassian smiled at her. “You are a wonder.”

Nesta was thankful for the darkness around them to hide the slight blush that surely was on her face.

“Thank you for saving my life,” he added. “Again.”

“And you almost didn’t let me come with you,” she remarked smugly.

“You were almost hurt too. My concerns were justified,” he insisted. “But I’m relieved you were there and that we’re both safe.”

Nesta let out a low huff. “Too bad relations with Dunclare have worsened.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Cassian said. “They’re the ones who attacked first.”

“But no one else there witnessed that. They might start spreading word that we attacked first.”

Cassian sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “We’ll figure it out.”

Together, they walked in silence for a while. When the sun had begun to rise, they estimated they had walked for about a mile. Cassian appeared to be back to normal as he started moving at his usual fast pace.

He suddenly stopped and turned toward Nesta. “Okay, I’m feeling fine. Let’s fly.”

Fear took hold of Nesta as she glanced down at her hands.

What if she hurt him by holding onto him? Grabbing his hair and briefly yanking his arm earlier had been fine, but…

But it was a long flight. She would have her hands wrapped around his neck for a long period of time. Could she really risk it? With this power she did not understand?

The flight to Dunclare had been fine. But why did it surface this evening?

Cassian reached out and slid the packs off of Nesta’s back and gestured for her to strap them onto is.

Very slowly, she followed his unspoken request, but she was extremely careful not to let her hands touch Cassian for more than a second.

Once they were strapped on him, he held out his arms, waiting for Nesta to step into his reach so he could pick her up.

“Are you sure you’re feeling fine?” she asked.

“Yes,” he insisted gently as his signature glint of amusement appeared in his eyes. “Are you really anxious about me holding you again?”

“Of course not,” she immediately replied. The comment caused her to stride toward him instantly to prove to him she wasn’t anxious, and Cassian proceeded to lift her up in his arms, with one arm beneath her legs and the other supporting her back.

But Nesta refused to place her hands around his neck. Instead, she crossed them against her chest and hid her hands beneath her arms.

“Aren’t you going to hold on?” Cassian wondered with a quizzical look.

“No.”

Cassian frowned. “Are you still mad at me?”

“No.”

“Are you seriously so repulsed by me that you don’t even want to touch me?”

“No,” Nesta quickly replied but realized she probably should have lied to make things easier. Then maybe he would’ve stopped asking questions.

“Then what’s wrong, Nes?” he asked, exasperated.

“Well, for one thing, you’re still calling me ‘Nes!’” Nesta replied, frustrated.

Cassian gave her a stern look, knowing she was trying to avoid the question. He waited for her to answer it.

Nesta took a deep breath. “If my hands touch you, I could hurt you.”

“I know you probably spend half your time around me resisting the urge to strangle me, but I feel pretty confident that you’ll be able to continue resisting that urge during this flight,” Cassian said.

Nesta sighed. “No, that’s not it.”

Cassian stared at her and leaned his face down closer to hers. “Then what is it, Nesta?”

She turned her face away from him and looked out into the wilderness. It probably would be best for him to know what really happened anyway, especially since the Dunclare Illyrians probably definitely thought she was a witch now.

Taking another deep breath, she closed her eyes as she recalled what had occurred. “When I touched those males’ wrists, this... _power_ came out of my hands, and all I could hear was the sound of their heartbeats, and how they slowed down the longer I held onto their arms.”

Cassian’s eyes widened. “What?”

Nesta turned her head back to face him but said nothing, not really knowing what else to say.

“Has this ever happened before?” he asked.

Nesta shook her head. “This was the first time.”

“Hmm,” Cassian said while looking deep in thought. “Maybe we can talk to Amren…”

“No,” Nesta interjected. Amren was one of the ones who sent her off to the Illyrian Mountains. And she certainly wasn’t going to let another member of the silly Inner Circle know she was pregnant. She was only slightly starting to show now, but at this point in the pregnancy, other fae who already knew her scent could smell the unfamiliar one of her child’s intertwined with hers, according to one of the pregnancy books Cassian had given her.

“Why not?”

“No one else can know I am pregnant,” Nesta firmly replied, hoping he got the hint that she didn’t want to discuss it any further.

“But why did this power only show up just now?” he wondered aloud.

“I. Don’t. Know. Let’s just start flying as we think about this, all right?” she said, feeling impatient.

“Well I don’t think you’d harm me if you held on to me. It was fine yesterday,” he noted nonchalantly. “And if something does happen, then we’d both plummet to our deaths. We’d go together.”

 _Just like how we almost went together at the hands of the King of Hybern_ , Nesta thought. The memory sent a shiver down her spine.

“Just start flying, you dolt,” Nesta remarked, keeping her arms crossed against her chest.

Cassian rolled his eyes. “Fine. Be stubborn. But you’re going to feel even more terrified to be flying and not holding on to something.”

“Just go,” Nesta demanded.

“Yes, sweetheart.”

Nesta groaned as Cassian soared into the sky.

As soon as he was high in the air, flying at a comfortable speed, Cassian’s wings suddenly seemed to stop flapping. At the lack of motion, Cassian and Nesta began to fall through the sky...quickly.

Instinctively, Nesta screamed and wrapped her arms around Cassian’s neck.

And suddenly, Cassian’s wings began to flap again, and they were smoothly flying upwards once more.

Nesta’s heart raced out of terror, but it quickly turned to rage as she heard Cassian chuckling.

“You did that _on purpose?!”_ she shouted, upon realizing that Cassian was clearly all right if he was able to laugh about it.

“See? Your hands are on me, and I’m fine,” he said. “There is nothing to worry about.”

“Well, now I am resisting the urge to strangle you, you fool!” she shouted.

Cassian just smirked at her.

But she kept holding onto him for their entire flight back to Windhaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love! Let me know what you think about this latest chapter! :)


	5. January - Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank YOUUUU so much for all the comments, kudos, and subscriptions! <3

**_January - Part I _ **

“We’ve been having Azriel pay special attention to Dunclare,” Rhys revealed from his spot next to Feyre on the couch across from Cassian. “He hasn’t heard any rumors or observed anything lately about them wanting to threaten or attack you again.”

Cassian wasn’t surprised. Once Nesta told him that she used some type of power to knock out three Illyrians at Dunclare on Solstice and nearly killed them, he figured Dunclare wouldn’t be threatening them again anytime soon. If they thought she was a witch, they’d be frightened of her power and wouldn’t dare try to attack again without knowing how to combat her power.

They didn’t realize she didn’t know how to use her power. Cassian thanked the gods for that.

“But,” Rhys continued. “Azriel has apparently heard them spreading word about a witch in the camps, and he believes they are referring to Nesta.” Rhys and Feyre both looked up at Cassian with a puzzled look as they said this.

Cassian’s heart began to race. He knew there was no way he was going to be able to avoid talking about Nesta at this meeting, but part of him still hoped he’d be able to graze over the fact that she came to Dunclare. Because talking about her made him anxious for two reasons: one being that Nesta forbade him from telling them she was pregnant, and second, she also ordered him to not tell them of her newly discovered power.

A power that had not resurfaced since that night. In the two weeks since the Solstice, Cassian would have her grab his arms to see if she could make it happen again, insisting they should learn how this power of hers worked. He knew she would be able to stop it if it did occur, considering she left the Illyrians at Dunclare alive. Reluctantly, Nesta attempted to unleash the power, but nothing happened each time.

When he first wrote to Rhys and Feyre to inform them what happened at Dunclare, Nesta did permit him to say that she went with him (after much pleading from him, not wanting to have to lie even more to his His Lord and Lady). But she did not want him to tell them about her power because she didn’t think her sisters deserved to know anything about her life, so he neglected to mention how exactly the two of them escaped Dunclare camp.

“What makes them think she’s a witch?” Feyre asked.

Cassian swallowed nervously as he tried to come up with a way to avoid talking about Nesta’s new power that the few Illyrians at Dunclare experienced first-hand. “Remember when Nesta met Devlon for the first time? He thought she was a witch, and she claimed she was one too. I think it stems from that.”

“But did anything happen at Dunclare that would make them think she was a witch?” Feyre wondered. “I was shocked she even went with you.” 

“Nesta demanded to come with me,” Cassian stated. 

“Why?”

“She was threatened by the dead birds as well and felt like she should go too.”

Feyre slowly nodded in response but still seemed bewildered. “And how did the two of you escape?”

Cassian had been trying to come up with an adequate explanation for this his entire flight to Velaris that morning. He didn’t want to come up with an entirely new story. As close to the truth as possible would be best...meaning he would still say Nesta was the one who knocked out the Illyrians. But her method of doing so would have to be different...

“When I was unconscious, Nesta managed to catch them unaware and struck them all with a metal bowl to knock them out. Then we walked away from the camp until I was able to fly us out of there,” Cassian explained. “Perhaps, the Illyrians were just amazed she managed to hit them so hard with the way they view females and all, and that’s why they still think she’s a witch.” Cassian shrugged.

Rhys and Feyre considered his words and seemed to nod along in agreement that that was a possibility.

Cassian nearly sighed out of relief.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t go alone,” Rhys commented. “Azriel and I are going to pay them a visit on Saturday to remind them who their High Lord is and the consequences of murdering the General Commander,” Rhys continued. “I wish I could just take Orion’s war-lordship away,” he muttered.

“Me too,” Cassian growled. But if Rhys just took the war-lordship away from Orion, all the other Illyrian camps and war-lords would take it as another slight against them. There were no witnesses to the near-murder. It was Cassian and Nesta’s word against the three Illyrians.

There was no way the rest of the Dunclare camp and the other Illyrian camps would take the word of their bastard commander and his supposed witch and whore.

“Are you going with Rhys to Dunclare?” Cassian asked as he looked at Feyre.

“No, I’ll be staying here,” she stated. “I’ll be busy teaching art classes all day on Saturday.”

Cassian nodded, taking note of this information. He had told Nesta he had wanted to take her shopping for new clothes in Velaris, but when he had brought it up again last week, she expressed that she didn’t want to risk running into the Inner Circle or Elain.

But with Rhys going to visit Dunclare, Feyre preoccupied with art classes, and Elain never leaving the estate (as Feyre had mentioned to him earlier)...then perhaps he could convince Nesta to go.

Rhys and Feyre turned to look at each other then, and Cassian could tell they were talking to each other through the bond.

That bond that he was so jealous of. For centuries, he didn’t believe the mating bond was anything special, having witnessed bonds between couples who seemed so unhappy with each other...but Rhys and Feyre were proof that the bond could be special and extraordinary.

He wanted that. For centuries, he had felt so...lonely. Sure, he had the Inner Circle and had had many lovers...but he longed for something _more_ . With _someone._

Rhys suddenly got up and left the room, leaving Feyre to stare directly at Cassian.

“How is Nesta doing?” she asked softly.

_Well, she’s pregnant, which appeared to shake her out of her state of emptiness. The baby has seemed to encourage her to find a purpose, to better herself. Because of the child, she avoids alcohol. She eats and is looking much healthier. She eats with me and talks to me. She’s still as fierce as ever. And now she apparently has the power to slow down a fae’s heartbeat and nearly kill them._

That’s what Cassian wished he could say.

He took a deep breath. “She’s well. She hasn’t had any alcohol, and she eats. She’s looking much healthier.”

Feyre smiled as her eyes lit up. “That’s wonderful! Do you think...I could come visit her?”

It would be one way for her to discover Nesta’s pregnancy...but Nesta would never forgive him if he allowed Feyre to come visit, knowing the bitterness she still harbored towards her. He had come so far with Nesta...he couldn’t ruin what had developed between them...An alliance? A friendship? Whatever it was, he didn’t want to risk losing her trust.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he answered hesitantly. “She’s...still angry at you.”

The smile on Feyre’s face disappeared, but she nodded in understanding.

Still, the desire to tell her that her sister was pregnant gnawed at him. He was essentially lying to his High Lady...

He’d need to get out of here before he blurted out the news. Abruptly, he stood up. “I better get going.”

Feyre nodded and stood up to follow him out of the room. When they reached the entryway, she hugged him goodbye as Rhys appeared.

“Are you sure you don’t want one of us to just winnow you back?” she asked.

“He’s probably thankful to have more time away from Nesta by flying,” Rhys commented. Feyre frowned.

“Yeah,” Cassian lied half-heartedly. It’s seemed to be the best coverup for the real reason...the fact that he couldn’t risk Rhys or Feyre seeing a pregnant Nesta. “But you know I love flying too.”

After a quick embrace with Rhys, he stepped outside of Feyre and Rhys’ home and took off to the sky.

* * *

 

When he arrived back at his cabin, he didn’t see Nesta anywhere. Knowing she often took walks around the camp, he decided to go look for her.

He certainly did not expect to find her in the middle of one of the training rings.

He spotted her crouching down in the middle of the ring, wrapping a young Illyrian boy’s arm. As he approached, he found Emerie leaning against the fence surrounding the ring.

“What is she doing?” he wondered as he stood next to Emerie and watched Nesta talk to the boy. He couldn’t hear what they were saying but he could tell from Nesta’s features that she was speaking to him gently and sweetly...There was no sign of a frown or a smug smirk. He wasn’t sure he had ever seen Nesta talk to someone like that before.

“The boy got hurt during training. When the training ended, she rushed over to him and started bandaging his arm with her pieces of her shirt,” Emerie explained.

Suddenly, an older female approached the ring opposite Cassian and Emerie. The female looked at Nesta and scowled. Then she looked at the young boy. “Talon!” she shouted. “I told you to stay away from that witch! Get over here!”

The boy immediately ran over to the woman. Nesta just stared at them as they walked away. When they were out of sight, Nesta made her way back to where he and Emerie stood. Upon seeing Cassian, Nesta appeared startled, but quickly composed herself and walked with more determination toward them.

“Are Illyrian children taught anything else besides how to fight?” she immediately questioned them upon reaching them.

“Hello, sweetheart. The journey from Velaris was great. Thanks for asking,” Cassian sarcastically stated in response to her abrupt question.

Nesta rolled her eyes. “Just answer the question. And let’s start walking back. The baby is hungry,” she stated with a slight edge to her voice.

Nesta started to walk away, and Cassian and Emerie followed after her.

“The only formal lessons they have are for fighting,” Cassian answer seriously.

“Only their family members - if they are literate - will teach them to read and write. Their mothers teach their daughters how to cook and clean,” Emerie piped in.

“Hmm,” was all Nesta said on the matter before she began to button up her coat over her now torn-up shirt without losing her stride.

Cassian glanced over at her and noticed that the shirt she was wearing seemed familiar…

“Are you wearing my shirt?” he asked, unable to hide his bewilderment.

“I assume so. I found it in one of the drawers in my room. My dresses are too snug,” she stated simply.

“I’m surprised you would willingly wear something of mine considering you always complain of my supposed stench,” he remarked.

And he was also surprised how...even more attractive he found her to be while wearing one of his shirts.

“Oh, I made sure to wash it twice before wearing it,” she said smugly.

Cassian grinned back. “As much as I adore the fact that you’ve actually _deigned_ to wear one of my shirts, I found out today that Rhys will visiting Dunclare on Saturday and Feyre is going to be busy teaching art classes, so perhaps, we can go shopping in Velaris.”

“Where will Elain be?” Nesta questioned him seriously.

“She never leaves the estate.”

“And Azriel?”

“Will be with Rhys.”

“And Mor?”

“In the Winter Court.”

“Amren?”

“Still in the Summer Court.”

Nesta took a deep breath. “You’re positive that my sister will be busy teaching art classes?”

“Yes.”

She took another deep breath. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, I’ll go.”

Cassian grinned. “Excellent.”

* * *

The scarf that Nesta had wrapped around her face was beginning to itch. But she refused to remove it.

Cassian thought she was crazy when she put the scarf on as well as the hood of her jacket, leaving her eyes to be the only visible part of her face.

“You do remember that Velaris is not as cold as it is here, right?” Cassian had said earlier that day.

She had glared at him as he lifted her in his arms and proceeded to explain how there were some people in Velaris who could recognize her as their High Lady’s sister.

...Then there was also the fact that following the war, _somehow_ many of the Night Court inhabitants knew that Nesta and Cassian had nearly died together on the battlefield. She didn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about them shopping together...especially since she was now visibly pregnant. But of course, she did not voice this reason aloud to Cassian.

Looking up at him as they soared through the sky toward Velaris, she was...surprised. Surprised at the contentment upon his face as he carried her and surprised at the ease she even felt to be within his arms.

As if feeling her gaze, he glanced down at her with a smile. “Almost there,” he said before grabbing her more tightly and swooping down toward the ground.

Even though the flight took hours, she found that she wished she was in the security of his embrace for a little while longer when they landed on the sidewalk and Cassian put her down on the ground.

Shaking off whatever feeling that was - it was probably because of the pregnancy, she told herself - she stepped away from him and looked from left to right at the shops along the street before them. It was her first time in Velaris in months.

And...she didn’t exactly miss it.

She turned around and looked past the buildings of the bustling city to a more run-down area of the seemingly spotless city. There lied her old apartment, all the seedy bars she frequented...

She didn’t miss that area either.

Bringing a hand up to her stomach, she started rubbing circles as she thought about what that period of time left her with.

“Want to head this way? I know of a shop with maternity clothes down there,” Cassian stated, causing her to turn around. He gestured with his hand pointing to the left.

Nesta nodded and began strolling alongside Cassian down the sidewalk. The street was filled with a fair amount of fae who were shopping in the strip of shops. To her relief, none of them seemed to pay them any attention. With Cassian’s status, she wasn’t sure if he’d draw attention.

But there was a family that caught _her_ attention.

A male and a female, who she assumed was married, were walking toward them as their two young children skipped excitedly while holding their hands. The parents’ faces seemed to radiate joy as they smiled and happily replied to their curious children’s questions.

She couldn’t help but wonder...would that be what she would be like with her child? Would she be able to remain patient and gentle and excitedly talk to him or her about what they were going to do that day?

And would anyone ever be by her side to be patient and gentle and excited with her?

“I think they’re off to the winter fair,” Cassian said as the family passed them, and Nesta tilted her head to the side to look up at him.

“The fair?” she questioned, her voice muffled from the scarf around her mouth.

“Every year, for a month after Solstice, Velaris hosts a winter fair. There’s usually food, games, music, sleigh rides…”

Nesta nodded along, indicating she had heard him. A small smile, hidden by her scarf, came across her face as she thought back to when she was younger, when her family was wealthy, and the fair would come to their village. She would run around excitedly, and Elain would chase after her. She’d play the kids version of horseshoes and try to win ribbons for her hair, and she’d ride the beautiful ponies again and again.

Time was much simpler then, she realized as she stared down at her hands before rubbing her stomach once more.

“Here’s the store,” Cassian announced and led her to the shop’s door, opening it for her and gesturing for her to enter. Nesta walked inside the small shop that was compact with various maternity dresses. She was relieved to find that no other customers were present in the store. Only the shopkeeper was there, standing behind the counter and smiling brightly up at them as they came inside.

Nesta strode over to one rack of dresses and began flipping through them, one after another, searching for ones that caught her eye. As she did so, she noticed Cassian going through the dresses on the rack opposite hers.

She paused her search and looked up at him. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Looking for dresses for you,” he replied, still looking at the dresses.

“Why? I figured you would’ve just dropped me off and left to go to another store to buy cologne or something.”

Cassian stopped going through the dresses to look back over across the rack at her. “Is that your way of telling me to go buy cologne to cover up my supposed stench you always complain about?”

“Maybe,” she remarked as a small devious smile came across her face. But in reality, she didn’t mind Cassian’s scent...she only minded the fact that it was _his_ scent.

“Well, I’d have to bring you along to shop for cologne to tell me which one actually covers up my stench,” he added as he resumed looking through the dresses.

Nesta went back to moving the dresses across the rack as she looked through each one. “But why are you shopping with me now?”

“I simply have an eye for picking out dresses,” he said as he grabbed the hanger holding a chartreuse-colored dress and pulled it off the rack to look at it more closely.

Nesta rolled her eyes after glancing at the dress he grabbed. “That is an ugly shade of green. If that’s your idea of a nice dress, then you are a blind bat.”

“Perhaps, I was searching for a color to match this unpleasant aspect of your personality,” he commented casually as he threw a playful grin her way.

Nesta narrowed her eyes but said nothing in return as she continued going through the clothing on the rack.

After Cassian hung the chartreuse dress back up, he looked over at her again. “No rebuttal?” he asked in a surprised tone.

“I’m too busy plotting the ways I could strangle you for such a comment,” she said casually.

“Sweetheart, if all you wanted to do was get your hands on me, all you have to do is ask,” he stated with a smug grin. “No strangling necessary.”

Nesta managed to not let a groan escape her lips. “Do you think if I wore this dress as I murdered you, your blood on it would be less noticeable?” she asked as she lifted up a crimson dress.

“Ha. Ha,” Cassian stated drily, the cocky grin disappearing from his face.

Instead, a smug smile appeared on Nesta’s face. She draped the crimson dress over her arm as she continued her search.

Eventually, she moved onto other racks, grabbing a few dresses that caught her eye and carried them in her arms. Cassian went to different racks and picked out some dresses as well.

Once Nesta was finished looking, she looked around to find Cassian. “I’m going to try these on,” she announced to him when she spotted him nearby.

Cassian immediately walked over to her. “Try these on too,” he instructed as he placed three dresses in her arms on top of her bundle of dresses.

The top dress was a black silk one that seemed sophisticated and elegant. She mostly wanted just simple, casual dresses. She couldn’t foresee a moment during her pregnancy where she would need a dress for a special occasion.

“I don’t think I’ll need this black one…” Nesta began to say. “It’s too...fancy.”

“Just try it on,” Cassian gently suggested. “You never know.”

Nesta simply nodded, not wanting to start a spat over this. It was a pretty dress. She wouldn’t mind simply trying it on.

The shopkeeper, clearly having heard their conversation, strode over to her and gathered the dresses from her arms, then led her over to one of the fitting rooms, shoving the curtain to the side and hanging up the dresses within the small room. “Let me know if you need any help,” the shopkeeper kindly offered before departing the room.

Shedding her winter coat, scarf and a shirt she borrowed from Cassian, Nesta tried on a simple, blue dress. Seeing that it fit nicely and comfortably, she took off the dress and went onto the next one.

As she was sliding on the crimson one, she heard Cassian’s voice call out to her. “Aren’t you going to come out?”

“Why?”

“So we can see how the dresses look like on you, sweetheart.”

His use of the nickname “sweetheart” still peeved her, but she was tired of trying to break that habit of his. Now all it did was make her heart yearn for the day someone would genuinely call her sweetheart.

But she wouldn’t dwell on it.

Because after all, in his words, he didn’t understand why her sisters loved her. So why yearn for something that would never come to be?

Nesta took a slow, calming breath as she stared in the mirror. Her stomach was bigger, and her breasts were much fuller. In her eyes, she was beginning to look and feel like an elephant.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Nesta yelled back to him.

As she twirled in front of the mirror to test the flow of the dress, she overheard the shopkeeper talking with Cassian.

“When is your baby due?” she heard the female voice say.

“In May,” Cassian replied kindly, and when she didn’t hear him correct the shopkeeper about their relationship, Nesta’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.

“You two will make such a cute family,” the shopkeeper said.

“I think so, too,” Cassian said, and Nesta just knew he was grinning mischievously as he said it.

Shoving the curtain to the side, she stormed out of the stall. “CASSIAN! I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!” she shouted.

Cassian was clearly in the middle of throwing the shopkeeper a charming smile her way, but when Nesta appeared, he turned his face toward her and his mouth dropped slightly open.

“You’ve already killed me,” he breathed as he stared at her.

“Excuse me?” Nesta asked angrily and put her hands on her hips, not sure if she had heard him correctly.

“You look stunning in that dress,” he said, still staring at her as if he was completely mesmerized.

“Just because I’m pregnant and may feel unattractive doesn’t give you the right to tell me fake compliments,” she barked back at him.

“I’m not lying,” he said firmly and calmly, his eyes still gazing at her.

Nesta narrowed her eyes at him. Then with a huff, she turned around to head back into the changing room and immediately shuffled out of the crimson dress.

As she removed another dress from a hangar and slid it up over her body, she realized she never even reprimanded Cassian for his words that sent her out of her fitting room in the first place. She sighed with frustration.

“Show us the next dress!” she suddenly heard Cassian shout.

“No,” she hissed loudly as she looked at herself in the mirror.

“Will you at least show me the black dress I picked out?” Cassian pleaded. 

“Not until you explain to the shopkeeper that _we are not together_ ,” Nesta requested through clenched teeth.

Nesta turned her attention toward the remaining dresses she had not tried on yet and looked for the black one Cassian chose. With its lacey sleeves and silky skirt, the dress was meant for a special occasion. Nesta was sure she wouldn’t be attending such an occasion anytime soon. What would she need a dress like this for?

“Well, we have been living _together_ for four months,” Cassian pointed out, “But we are not a couple and I am not the father of her child,” she heard him explain.

Begrudgingly, Nesta slid on the black dress. Without even looking in the mirror, she stepped outside the changing room.

Cassian looked up at her and stared once again. “Alena, go ahead and charge this one to my account,” he said without taking his eyes off of Nesta.

“Yes, General,” the shopkeeper replied as she scuttled over to the register.

“What? You don’t need to do that,” Nesta remarked as she crossed her arms against her chest. “I’m never even going to have an occasion to wear this."

“We’ll make sure there is one,” Cassian replied softly as he approached her. “You look beautiful,” he murmured as he pushed a strand of her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear.

Nesta closed her eyes and took a deep breath as he did so.

He was entirely too close.

She turned on her heel and went back into the changing room.

She then proceeded to try on the other dresses she had gathered. Taking the ones she felt were comfortable and best flattered her growing figure, she made her way to the counter where the shopkeeper stood.

As Alena went through each dress and analyzed each price tag to calculate her total, Nesta turned her head back to find Cassian wandering aimlessly through the aisles of clothing. As if he felt her eyes upon him, he looked up at her and gave her a warm smile as he began to make his way toward her.

“I wish my boyfriend would look at me the way the General looks at you, let alone compliment me the way he does,” Alena whispered.

Nesta jerked her head back to face the shopkeeper. “Excuse me?”

Alena gave her a soft smile. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nesta sternly replied.

Alena just shrugged and smiled, then announced the total she owed right as Cassian appeared at her side.

“I’ll need my allowance to pay for this,” Nesta remarked as she turned her head to look at Cassian.

Looking at him turned out to be a mistake as she found him gazing warmly at her, still smiling. The look stirred something within her that made her instantly look away.

“Just charge them all to my account,” Cassian instructed to Alena.

Alena immediately shot a quick grin Nesta’s way as soon as he said it. Nesta let out a frustrated sigh. “You don’t need to take pity on me. Just pay for it with the allowance my sister gave you.”

“Consider it a late Solstice present,” Cassian replied nonchalantly.

Nesta let out another irritated sigh.

“Alena, we’ll be back to pick the dresses up at the end of the day,” Cassian quickly said before Nesta could say anything more.

Alena nodded in response, packing the dresses in a sack and stowing them behind the counter. Nesta looked back at Cassian with wide eyes. “The end of the day? Aren’t we flying back to the Mountains?”

“I thought you and the baby might be hungry?” Cassian said, searching her eyes to see if he was correct.

Alena shot another annoying grin her way upon hearing Cassian’s suggestion.

She wished she could say Cassian was wrong and get them out of this insufferable city as soon as possible.

But truthfully...she was starving. And she’d probably tear Cassian’s head off during the long flight back if she didn’t get some food in her.

He was so good at keeping her well-fed…

Nesta slowly nodded in response, then put her jacket on and her scarf around her neck. Before moving to wrap it around her face, she gave a pointed look to Alena. “If the High Lord or Lady know that I or Cassian was here today, I’ll have your head.”

“ _Nesta_ ,” Cassian chided.

“Understood,” Alena simply stated without the slightest bit of fear.

Nesta, looking pleased, wrapped the scarf around her face as Cassian bid his goodbye to Alena, and they headed out of the store.

When they stepped outside, Nesta lifted up her hood to cover her head and heard Cassian sigh beside her.

“Have something to say?” she questioned him as he led the way down the sidewalk.

“You’re just...ridiculous,” Cassian said with an amused grin.

“Well, you’re insufferable,” Nesta replied.

“Liar,” he asserted. “If I was truly insufferable, you wouldn’t be standing next to me right now.”

“This pregnancy has made me much more emotional, and the mother in me doesn’t want a lonely bastard like you wandering the streets alone.”

“And the lies continue,” Cassian commented in an amused tone. “We both know that you relish in walking the city streets next to a dashing, attractive male.”

“If only there was one here to walk next to,” she shot back with an amused grin.

Cassian winced. “I walked right into that insult.”

“Indeed,” Nesta confirmed. “Where are we going?”

“There’s a few restaurants at the end of this street that we can pick from.”

Nesta nodded as she turned her head toward the shop windows they were passing by. One was filled with kitchenware, another with unique and colorful jewelry and another with baby-related items.

“Let’s go inside and take a look,” Cassian suddenly announced. He must’ve caught her staring at the baby toys through the window as they walked. He grabbed her hand and whisked her into the store.

And despite the sudden action, all she could focus on was the feel of Cassian’s hand in hers. How his grasp was firm and tight around it.

She nearly squeezed his hand, but stopped herself when she remembered the powers that once flowed from her hands. She instantly let go of him, and he followed suit.

Looking up, she found themselves surrounded by racks and shelves of various items for babies, like clothing, bottles, carriages, and more.

Strolling up to one of the racks, she stared at the colorful clothing and kept leisurely walking along the aisle until she reached the stuffed toys.

It didn’t feel real.

To be looking at baby clothing and toys and various supplies for taking care of a baby, knowing that in five months’ time, she’d be cradling a baby in her arms, using all the various items that currently surrounded her.

She took a deep breath. How in the world she could possibly be ready for that sort of life.

“Nesta…” Cassian began hesitantly from his spot near a rack of baby clothing. “Is there a chance the child could...have wings?”

Nesta perked her head up to look over at him. He wasn’t looking at her. Instead, he was staring down at a piece of clothing he held in his hands.

“Yes,” she answered hesitantly as she thought back to the times she slept with an Illyrian to spite Cassian.

Cassian’s wings seemed to sag out of sadness as he looked back at her. “I wasn’t sure if we’d need to find clothes to accommodate wings,” he revealed quietly.

_We._

Even though Cassian had told her he’d be there for her and help her with this raising this child, she still felt shocked every time he alluded to helping her and the baby.

She nodded back at him, then turned back to the shelves of various rattles and toys. She couldn’t handle thinking about her child potentially having wings right now. There were too many other things to worry about.

As she strolled along, she came across a few wooden cribs.

A crib. She would need a crib.

Let alone a room for the baby.

And a home.

Would she really live with Cassian, at least until her year deemed by Feyre was up? Would he even still want her living under the same roof once she had the child?

Nesta took a deep breath and grabbed hold of one of the wooden crib’s railings to lean against it and closed her eyes.

She wasn’t sure how she would ever get used to the idea of having a child. Being thrown into a world she did not know and did not care for and now had to raise a child within it...It was overwhelming.

Suddenly, she felt a warm hand press against her shoulder. “Nesta, are you alright?” Cassian asked. “What’s wrong?”

Nesta opened her eyes and turned to look at him. “It’s nothing,” she replied. “I’m just...hungry.” It may not have been the real reason why she was feeling distressed, but she was still feeling famished.

“Let’s go eat then,” Cassian stated. “I was just thinking that maybe we could go eat at the fair?”

“Okay,” Nesta softly said as her childhood memories of the fair flooded back to her. Perhaps the fair would be a good distraction for her...

She turned her whole body around to begin walking alongside Cassian toward the exit.

As they wandered along the sidewalk toward the fair, more and more fae populated the streets. It seemed like everyone was heading to the fair.

And there were families. Many, many families.

When they stepped through the fair’s gates, Nesta felt like all she could see were the many children roaming about. Nothing else.

But her focus was broken when she felt a hand press upon the center of her back. She tilted her head up to find Cassian giving her a brief smile before turning his head forward to continue guiding her with him to one of the many food stands.

Did he really look at her in a special way, as the shopkeeper had suggested?

He certainly took care of her...but that was out of honor toward his mother. That’s all it was.

Nothing more.

“Sit here to rest your feet,” Cassian suddenly stated as he stopped by a bench and gestured for her to sit down. “I’ll get us some food.”

Nesta simply nodded before taking a seat as Cassian wandered off to one of the nearby food stands. After he had cooked for her for the past few months, she figured he would know what food she would like. Plus, her feet were starting to feel a bit sore.

How did he seem to always know what she needed before she even fully realized it herself?

Choosing not to dwell on it, she turned her attention back to the event surrounding her. As she scanned the area, her eyes landed on the sleigh rides that were happening near the edge of the Sidra. The sleighs glided along a pathway amongst the various trees and twinkling lights and were led by a magical creature that was similar to a horse.

One of the few pleasant memories she had of her mother was riding in a sleigh led by a horse with her when she was very young that led them through the village and ended at a pond where they went ice skating.

At that moment, she saw a young girl excitedly hop into a sleigh with an older female who she assumed was her mother.

Is this how her relationship with her children would be? Would they go to fairs together and ride a sleigh or carriage? Would they come here to celebrate Solstice?

Even though she certainly was not fond of Velaris, would she need to put those feelings aside to best raise her child?

Which brought her back to wondering what would happen after the birth and her year in the Illyrian mountains was up. Where would she go? Would she even be allowed to stay in the mountains?

Would she even want to stay there, with the way they treated females and children?

The thought brought back the memory of the other day when she walked around Windhaven and found very young Illyrians training. When one boy was scratched on the arm by another boy’s dagger and it hadn’t been tended to by the end of the session, she had decided to tend to it herself.

As everyone left the ring, the upset boy had dragged behind, looking very upset. She had approached him and ripped off a strip of Cassian’s shirt. The boy had eyed her warily, but when she gestured that she wanted to bandage his arm, he slowly stuck out his arm.

He was not a shy fellow and openly lamented that he hated learning how to fight and would rather learn how to be a healer and help bandage people up as she was doing herself.

Children shouldn’t even be learning how to fight at such a young age.

If she stayed in the Illyrian Mountains after the birth, would her child be pressured into fighting? Or would the Illyrians want nothing to do with her?

Cassian suddenly appeared beside her with an outstretched hand holding a skewer with pieces of meat on it. Nesta accepted it, and then stared at it within her hand.

She’d need to remove the scarf around her mouth to eat it. And there was an overwhelming amount of people around them. Plenty of chances that someone would recognize her as the High Lady’s sister.

Cassian eyed her curiously and was just opening his mouth to speak when Nesta interrupted him.

“Let’s go on a sleigh ride,” she quickly interjected before standing up abruptly and heading in the direction of the sleighs. She didn’t even wait for Cassian and simply assumed he was following after her.

The sleigh rides disappeared away from view when they went through a small, wooded forest. That would give her time to eat her food without the worries of being seen by someone.

When she reached the sleighs, she could sense Cassian right behind her. An attendant greeted the General and gestured for them to board the next sleigh.

Once they sat on the cushioned seat, Nesta still held out her skewer and just stared at it as the sleigh began to slide through the snow. Once it went behind the trees, Nesta yanked off her scarf and took a few bites of her food.

Cassian shook his head when she started eating. “And here I thought you just wanted to be alone with me.”

“Then you’re clearly delusional and should be checked out the next time I meet with the healer,” Nesta commented sternly before taking another bite.

Cassian gave her a concerned look. “How are you feeling? Is there a reason you need to see the healer?”

“Nothing besides the regular checkup,” she answered as she rubbed her stomach with her free hand. “As far as I can tell, everything seems fine.”

“And...how are you feeling otherwise?”

Nesta arched her eyebrow. “Otherwise?”

“How are you feeling...emotionally?”

“You mean, other than wanting to strangle you most of the time?”

Cassian smirked. “I mean, how are you feeling about the pregnancy?”

Nesta shrugged. “Fine.”

“You just seemed...troubled in the last shop,” he stated hesitantly.

“Well, I’m fine,” she said more harshly than she intended.

Cassian took a sharp breath and dropped his now empty skewer beside him. “I noticed you were looking at the cribs...” he began calmly. “It was supposed to be your Solstice present, but I haven’t finished it yet. I started to build a crib for the baby, so you don’t need to worry about buying one.”

Nesta perked her head up and stared straight at Cassian. “What?” she whispered.

“And I’ve started cleaning out my study, too, so we can turn it into the baby’s room.”

For a moment, Nesta felt like she couldn’t breathe. “You...you don’t need to do that. I’m sure your mother would be satisfied with you just providing -” she began.

“I’m not doing this for my mother,” he interjected as he stared into her eyes.

“Well, you certainly don’t need to do this because I’m Feyre’s sister!” she exclaimed.

“I’m not,” Cassian answered gently.

“Then why?”

“Because I care about you,” he revealed softly.

Nesta sat straight up and turned her face to look out at the trees they were passing and to avoid Cassian’s gaze. She put her empty skewer down on the seat. “I don’t understand why you would,” she revealed honestly.

“While you can be difficult most of the time,” he began, and Nesta could tell from the tone of his voice that he was probably smirking as he said it. “I’ve enjoyed living with you the past few months. And I think you have too.”

“I don’t know what makes you think that,” she replied sternly, but inside...she marveled at his care for her the past few months. She did not fully understand it nor felt deserving of it. But she was tremendously grateful.

“You’re telling me you haven’t enjoyed plotting how to handle the Illyrians together? Living together? Eating meals together? Spnding today together?”

Nesta’s eyes fluttered closed, but she said nothing. To admit if she had enjoyed it...would be opening herself up to potential heartbreak. The males in her life seemed to always let her down. She should be detached from this.

Before...he wasn’t there for her.

 _But he’s here now,_ a voice inside her seemed to say.

“Even _flying_ together?” he added.

“Not when you pretend to fall out of the sky!” she immediately shouted as she turned to face him.

“But otherwise, you enjoy it,” he said with a smug grin. He slid his hand across the seat cushion and stopped it beside her hand.

“I tolerate it,” she remarked.

Cassian still smiled but shook his head. “You’re a tough one to crack, Archeron.”

Nesta gave him the slightest smile before turning away to return to looking at the passing scenery.

“Did you know that you remind me of my mother?” he wondered aloud.

“I think we’ve already established that I am pregnant, and the baby’s father is not around to help take care of the baby, similar to your mother’s situation.”

“Well, yes, but there’s more to it than that,” he said. “I have only the vaguest memory of my mother spitting upon the boots of the Illyrian leaders when they took me away from her as soon as I could walk to bring me to Windhaven. She fought so hard to prevent me from going, they had to restrain her. Even though she’d been abandoned by my father and was alone and outcasted by her camp, she fought. I heard that even after they took me away, she tried everyday to convince the leaders to bring me back to her or to let her come to me. She was resilient and fearless...like you.”

Was that even true, with the way she acted only a few months ago? She certainly didn’t feel resilient and fearless. More like, just surviving and getting by so her child doesn’t experience what she went through with her father not caring about her well-being.

She didn’t dare voice these thoughts aloud to Cassian. Instead, she continued to focus her attention on the trees while keeping her face turned away from Cassian.

“You don’t have any other memories of your mother?” she wondered.

He shook his head. “No. I only have a few stories others have told me of her and some of her belongings the Illyrians allowed her to send to me before she died.”

“At least you have that,” Nesta said gently.

“Do you have any memories of your mother?”

“Only a few pleasant ones. I remember going on sleigh rides with her when the fair would come to town,” she stated. “She taught me how to braid my hair and would take me to buy dresses. Appearance meant everything to her. Actually, maintaining a high status was probably the most important thing to her. It was more important than taking care of us. So that’s what the servants were for.”

She never truly minded how her mother treated her and sisters. She still had a few pleasant memories of her...probably because she only spent a limited amount of time with her. She had clung tightly to her father’s love instead and felt like it was enough...until it proved to be her undoing.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he moved his hand so it rested on hers on the cushion.

Nesta shrugged. “So you were forced to begin training as soon as you could walk?”

Cassian nodded.

“That’s horrible,” she commented. “And that young boy I saw who was injured during training...he didn’t even want to train. He was forced.”

Cassian sighed. “Unfortunately, that’s how it is. A male that doesn’t train to be a warrior would be considered an embarrassment to the family and to the entire camp.”

“That is ridiculous.”

“I agree.”

She turned back to face Cassian. “You need to do something about it,” she firmly stated.

“I will,” he insisted. “But I have to go one step at a time with these fools. Right now, I’m focusing on allowing females to be trained.”

“But the children -” Nesta began to protest.

“I’ll take care of them,” he hurriedly cut in. “In time. Their fathers agree to the training and the females aren’t allowed to disobey them. It’ll take time to change their mindset.”

Nesta sighed as she pulled her hand out of Cassian’s grasp and crossed her arms against herself.

“And I can’t do that without your help,” Cassian added seriously.

“Well, obviously. Someone needs to be around to save you from being poisoned again,” Nesta remarked, desperately needing to avoid the heaviness of Cassian’s words.

“And luckily, you’re already an expert in that area,” Cassian commented and then he gave her _the look_ again as he brought his hand up to her face to slide a strand of her hair behind her ear.

It was the second time he had done that that day, but this time she didn’t move. There was nowhere to run to, and she found herself staring intently right back at Cassian.

His hand lingered on her cheek. She wondered if his heart was rapidly beating just like hers.

The sleigh suddenly came to an abrupt halt, causing them both to look up and realize their sleigh ride had come to an end. Nesta gasped as the crowds were now back in view, and she realized she needed to put her scarf back on.

“Stay right there,” she ordered Cassian before he could start exiting the sleigh. “Don’t move.” At first, Cassian appeared confused, but when she began pulling her hood down to rewrap her scarf around the bottom half of her face all while hiding behind his hulking body, he understood and rolled his eyes.

After she brought her hood back up, she looked back up at him. “Okay, we can go now.”

Cassian stood up and stepped out of the sleigh. As soon as his feet planted on the snowy ground, he turned toward her to grab hold of her hand and help her down from the sleigh.

But as they started walking away from the sleigh, he did not let go.

And against her better judgment, she didn’t either.

* * *

 

He had almost kissed her.

And he still wanted to kiss her.

But now she had that silly scarf around her face, blocking her lips from him.

For now, he’d simply have to settle for holding her hand as they made their way through the crowds. Shockingly, she had not yet let go of it yet.

And that was enough to put him in a state of bliss. The only disappointing thing happening at this moment was the fact they would have to head back to his cabin soon. It had been such an easy-going and pleasant day with her. And it had been so nice to see her walk soberly down the streets of Velaris. It helped dampen the memories of finding her drunk out of her mind, stumbling out of bars with other males.

But having those memories and seeing her now proved her resilience.

He wished he could tell her he was proud of her. He almost did...but held back, unsure of how she would take him making such a comment.

She already had been difficult when he simply told her she looked beautiful earlier that day. Then saying she was resilient and fearless like his mother seemed to make her uncomfortable too.

But she was still holding his hand, and that was something. He gave her hand a squeeze and briefly looked back at her...simply to look at her.

Of course, he could only really see her beautiful blue-gray eyes, making it hard to read her expression. He wished he could understand what she was feeling.

“How are you feeling?” he called back loudly.

“Tired,” she said rather sleepily.

He had forgotten about fatigue being a common aspect of pregnancy. While he wished his day with her out and about like this wouldn’t end, he knew they needed to head back. “Okay, we’ll go pick up your dresses and then fly back to the mountains.”

Nesta nodded in agreement as they exited the fairgrounds and began strolling down the bustling sidewalk toward the boutique they visited earlier. As they got closer, the sidewalk gradually became less populated, allowing them to actually walk beside each other.

“So, did you enjoy today, or was it really merely tolerable?” Cassian asked her with a grin.

“I enjoyed it,” she replied softly.

He could hardly believe what he was hearing. “Did you actually admit that you enjoyed spending the day with me?”

“Don’t expect it to ever happen again,” she replied firmly. Her eyes narrowed at him, but he could see a glint of amusement as well. 

Cassian beamed at her and gave her hand a squeeze as he pulled open the door to the maternity shop. Unfortunately, he was forced to let go of her hand as he held open the door for her to enter, and he followed behind her.

As soon as they walked in, Alena saw them and immediately retrieved the sack with Nesta’s dresses. Nesta outstretched her hands to accept it.

Then Nesta went up behind Cassian to attach the bag to his back.

She may not have believed him, but she truly did look beautiful when she tried the dresses on that morning.

And she looked beautiful right now, even with the silly scarf and hood covering her face. At least he still had her mesmerizing eyes to look at.

“You better not pull one of your silly flying jokes and lose my dresses,” she demanded as they began to head out of the store.

“Believe me, sweetheart. There’s no way I’d risk losing the chance to see you in that black dress again.”

It may have sounded like he said it in jest, but it was true. She had looked stunning in it.

They bid their goodbyes to Alena as they exited the store. Once they stepped outside, Nesta approached him, likely expecting him to pick her up to soar back to the mountains.

But there was...still one thing that nagged at him all day. That guilty feeling that he was being disloyal to his High Lord and Lady.

Maybe, just maybe, Nesta would possibly reconsider.

Cassian stared at her as she stood before him expectantly. To her surprise, Cassian grabbed both of her hands within his own.

He took a deep breath.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk to Feyre? She could help you.”

But as soon as he said Feyre’s name, Nesta froze and her hands went limp within his grasp.

“I told you,” she began in a deathly quiet voice. “That I didn’t want her to know, and I certainly don’t want to go talk to her,” she stated angrily before yanking her hands out of Cassian’s grasp and pulling her scarf down past her mouth. “Have you forgotten why I’ve been wearing this scarf all day?”

Cassian ran a hand through his hair. “Nesta, I know. But you should talk to her. Her studio is just around the corner.”

Nesta’s eyes suddenly widened, and he was unable to read the expression that came across her face.

“Her studio is just around THE CORNER?!” she reconfirmed, her voice rising with every word.

“Nesta, please - ”

“Was this just the plan all along?!” she cried out. “Convince me to go to Velaris, take me to a store right by my sister’s studio, buy me dresses and flatter me, then just get me to stay here longer to talk to Feyre at the end of the day?!” she exclaimed angrily. “Gods, I can’t even believe I actually thought you - UGH!”

“Nesta, no!” Cassian pleaded as he reached for her hands, but she kept them out of his reach, even going so far as to turn away from him. “I meant everything I said and did today,” he insisted. “There was no ulterior motive!”

“Please stop lying to me!” she pleaded softly.

“I am _not_ lying!” he yelled back.

“I can’t even look at you!” she shouted as she crossed her arms against her chest.

“Nesta, please understand. While it’s hard for me to keep this a secret - ”

“It’s not your secret to tell!” she interjected.

“While it’s hard for me to keep this a secret and I do want you to talk to Feyre, it did not influence what I said and did today. I _meant_ everything and I enjoyed each moment with you.”

Nesta took a long deep breath. He could only hope that his words were finally sinking into her.

“I don’t believe you, and I don’t care,” she suddenly said quietly. “I am not talking to my sister, so please just take me home.”

Her words stung.

It felt like a stab to the heart. After all their time together today...for it to conclude like this…

He thought they had come so far today, but now...were they really nearly back at square one?

“Nesta…” he said gently as he pressed a hand upon the back of her shoulder.

“TAKE. ME. HOME.” she ordered harshly. “And you can only touch me to carry me back,” she requested before quickly turning her body around, causing his hand to slide off her body.

While she was now facing in his direction, she kept her eyes glued to the floor and her arms crossed as she waited for him to pick her up.

It hurt so much to know that she didn’t believe him.

And it hurt so much to know that he hurt her.

Just like that, the elation he felt from his day with her was gone.

At a loss, he had no choice but to pick her up and hope she would cool off by they time they reached his cabin.

When he held her, she made no move to wrap her hands around his neck as she had done before.

While he’d been left feeling wounded by her words, he clung to one shred of hope: that she referred to his cabin as her home.

And he held onto that hope for their entire journey back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that cuteness with a dose of angst...always gotta have a dose of angst! ;) 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts! :)


	6. January - Part II

_ **January - Part II**   
_

****At first, Cassian had assumed (or, well, maybe hoped) that Nesta’s anger toward him after their fight in Velaris would dissipate after a few days. However, he should have known that Nesta’s stubbornness was unlike any other and that she would hold onto that anger for much longer.

But he certainly didn’t expect it to last for ten days and counting.

When they first got back from Velaris, he tried to talk to her and explain to her that all his words and actions that day weren’t tactics to convince her to talk to her sister. He honestly meant everything he had said and done. 

But she wouldn’t listen of course. Instead, she stormed off into her room and shut the door.

For every moment he was home, she was holed up in her room. He only knew she was alive based on the fact that after he would leave her meals outside her door, he would find empty bowls and plates outside in the same spot a few hours later.

At least she kept eating.

He had no way of knowing if she left her room when he wasn’t in the cabin. He hoped she did. He hoped she still took walks outside too. She seemed to enjoy walking so much.

Gods, he missed her.

In the past, he never enjoyed when he had to go live in the Illyrian Mountains for long periods of time. If Rhys or Azriel weren’t with him, it was an awfully lonely place to be. When your own kind treated you as an outsider...it wasn’t an enjoyable experience. 

Initially, having Nesta here with him seemed like a dreadful idea. Dealing with her rage on top of the idiotic Illyrians sounded like a complete disaster. But it wasn’t.

Instead, she started helping him deal with the Illyrians. And eating and living with her made him feel...content. His previous loneliness had vanished, and he found he didn’t dislike living there quite as much as he did before.

She wasn’t afraid to verbally spar with him, she always kept him grounded, and she’d been there for him in helping with the Illyrians.

And then he screwed everything up. Now he felt lonely, grouchy, and frustrated all the time. He fought the urge to bust down her door, fearing that would infuriate her more. He had thought leaving her alone would help her to cool down faster...but now he was concerned she would never see or speak to him again.

And that thought hurt like hell.

Surely, she’d talk to him again soon.

...he hoped.

But for now, he would use his pent-up frustration to fight harder in the training ring.

* * *

Nesta looked around Cassian’s study as she sat in the middle of the room’s floor. With one hand resting on her growing belly, she fought the urge that coursed through her.

_Alcohol. Alcohol. Alcohol._

_Forget. Forget. Forget.  
_

Ever since Cassian took her to Velaris and revealed he had wanted her to talk to her sister, that desire to drink had returned. Because, while telling herself that she did not care about him, this revived desire to forget showed that she actually did. It hurt too much when he betrayed her...after how he had made her feel that day.

But the baby. She couldn’t harm the baby.

So each day since her spat with Cassian in Velaris, she woke up frustrated with Cassian and had that urge to drink. When he’d leave for the day, she’d head into his study - the room he had said he was transforming into the baby’s room.

She needed a physical reminder that she would soon be having a baby. That there was someone she needed to live for and be strong for in this world.

And indeed, the study no longer looked like a study. Over the course of the ten days since her visit to Velaris, it had been cleared out. (By Cassian, she assumed.) All that remained was one large chest for clothing.

But today, there was a new object in the room.

Sitting before her was a large wooden crib. Most likely the one he had said he’d been making for her baby.

It was not finished. It had been constructed, but it still needed to be painted.

While the room helped remind her of what was to come in a few months, it also tugged at her... _feelings_ toward Cassian. But then she’d catch herself and remember that while he did this for her and the baby, it was for the sake of his mother and her sister. 

Not for her. It couldn’t have been for her. That infuriating male was all about loyalty. Loyalty to his mother and loyalty to his High Lord and Lady.

There was no room in that devotion for him to be devoted to…

She didn’t dare finish off that thought.

The point was...she needed to emotionally keep her distance from everyone. She only needed to keep her focus on the baby and no one else.

Rubbing circles on her belly and closing her eyes, she groaned with frustration over her desire to drink. Thankfully, there was no alcohol available within the cabin.

A loud creak and the sound of footsteps against the floorboards broke her out of her focus, causing her eyes to shoot open. Cassian didn’t usually come home until dusk. With a quick glance over to the window, she noticed the sun was still shining brightly.

Quickly, Nesta stood up. Whenever Cassian was home, she always stayed in her room. They hadn’t laid eyes upon each other in ten days, and she certainly intended to keep her distance from him.

She needed to protect herself.

And she didn’t want him to find her in the study-turned-baby’s room.

Peeking outside the room, she looked into the living room. Upon finding him nowhere in sight, she assumed he was either in the kitchen or had gone upstairs to his room. She took her chance and skittered across the living room toward her room.

But before she could open her door, she looked down the hall and could see into the kitchen, where she found Cassian standing without a shirt on....and with crimson blood all over his chest.

_Blood…_

She couldn’t look away from the bright color that called and demanded her attention. It was something she could not ignore.

Before she knew what she was doing, she bolted toward the kitchen with her pounding heart matching her footsteps.

Once she reached the kitchen, she found him wincing as he stood before a cupboard and dug for something as the blood poured out of a large, deep gash on his shoulder.

“What happened?” she asked rather harshly and impatiently.

Cassian looked up at her, and his eyes widened when he saw her. “An Illyrian decided to play dirty and use a weapon during hand to hand combat. So he took a stab at me,” he answered with a grimace before continuing to dig through the cabinet.

Meanwhile, the blood continued to drip from his shoulder and flowed down his chest. 

“Cassian, you’re getting blood everywhere!” she exclaimed in an enraged tone as she found a towel lying on the counter. Racing over to him, she pressed the towel against his wound. “Here,” she sternly said.

Cassian winced when the towel touched his skin, but then placed his hand against it to hold it there.

“Now go sit down at the table,” she ordered him.

“There’s a salve in there -” he gruffly protested.

“SIT. DOWN,” she harshly insisted.

Begrudgingly, Cassian went over to the table and pulled out a chair to sit down. Meanwhile, Nesta continued his search through the cabinet, rummaging through bandages, tins of various ointments and vials of liquids to treat different maladies. She picked up each one to read the label to discover if it was one that could help Cassian’s wound.

It must’ve been the fifteenth tin she had checked before finding one that could help. Bringing the tin over to him, she set it down on the table and stood beside his chair. She leaned over a bit to take hold of the towel pressed against his bloodied shoulder and started rubbing the clean areas of the towel all over his chest to wipe up the blood.

“I guess it’s your…” Cassian paused to wince when her towel hit his wound. “...lucky day, sweetheart. You get to rub your hands all over me.”

“Not now, Cassian,” she reprimanded him exasperatedly. She was intently focused on the task at hand. Images of her father at the hands of the King of Hybern threatened to surface in her mind, but she forced herself to push them away. Cassian was injured, but she could help him. She could take action now to help him, unlike the day her father died. “Tell me what I need to do,” she demanded.

Cassian took a slow breath. “Apply the salve. It’ll help slow the bleeding. Then grab the bandages there to wrap the wound.” Cassian gestured to the bandages that were sitting on the table. He must’ve have found those before looking for the salve.

Nesta nodded in understanding. Putting down the towel and grabbing the tin instead, she twisted open the lid and dipped her fingers in the salve. She then proceeded to spread the ointment all over his shoulder wound, eliciting a hiss from Cassian’s lips.

But Nesta remained focused on her task, getting blood on her fingers in the process.

Setting down the tin, she quickly rinsed off her hands before proceeding to pick up the bandages. She wrapped his wound by encircling the bandage across his chest and beneath his underarm on the opposite side of his body before wrapping his upper arm to secure it.

Once she finished, she looked at him. “Good?”

He nodded. “Good.”

“But you’ll still see a healer?”

“That salve will suffice. The wound should begin to heal within a day.”

“That’s some salve,” she remarked as she recalled how injuries as a human were never easy to deal with.

“Definitely a benefit to living in the fae world,” he commented.

Nesta simply nodded before picking up the bloodied towel and went over to another cupboard to grab a wooden bucket. She filled it with water and added soap before placing it on the floor and dropping the towel in to soak it.

Returning to the table, she placed her hand upon the tin to grab it, but Cassian quickly encased her hand with his own and stopped her from doing so. Cassian leaned in so close that his lips nearly grazed her cheek. “Thank you, Nesta,” he whispered.

Feeling his breath upon her face, Nesta’s body froze and her eyes closed as she resisted the urge to shiver.

“You’re welcome,” she said gently when she opened her eyes and regained her senses. She grabbed the tin and quickly pulled her hand out of Cassian’s grasp to return it to its place in the cupboard. Then she proceeded to wash her hands one more time.

As she dried her hands on a clean towel, she looked over at Cassian. “Do you need anything else?”

A moment of silence passed. “Your forgiveness,” he answered softly.

Nesta’s body stilled for a moment, not expecting those words. “I don’t think I can give you that just yet,” she answered seriously before heading out of the kitchen.

“Nesta, wait,” Cassian called after her, but it didn’t stop her from moving. Not until she was in the living room, heard Cassian’s heavy footsteps come up behind her, and felt his hand grab hers. When he did so, she whipped around.

“What?” she asked, annoyed.

Cassian stared into her eyes as he spoke. “I’m sorry I hurt you in taking you to Velaris. I swear it was not an attempt to get you to talk to your sister. I only wanted you to have a day to get away from here and enjoy yourself.”

Nesta could do nothing but stand there and continue letting him hold her hand and stare back into his eyes. As she stood in silence, she felt he spoke truthfully. But there was still that part of that was afraid to trust him…

“I don’t know if I can forgive you right now,” she revealed gently.

“Then will you at least stay here with me?” he requested as he started to rub circles into the back of her hand. “Because I miss you,” he whispered.

Nesta’s eyes widened upon hearing him say those words. No one ever told her she was missed. Usually, everyone seemed to be thanking the gods she was leaving the room.

“I really need to -” she began to say, preparing to make some excuse as to why she needed to return to her room, but Cassian cut her off.

“Please.”

And with one word, he sounded so passionate and so desperate for her company. “We could just sit here in the living room,” he continued. “We could get the fire going, we could read -”

“Not the fire,” she firmly interjected.

“Okay. Whatever you want. Just...stay.”

As she looked over his bandaged body, she couldn’t help but think about how if the Illyrian had stabbed him a little bit lower, he could’ve hit his heart and Cassian wouldn’t be standing before her right now.

And that thought crushed her. She hated herself for it, but it was true.

“Okay,” she relented. “Just let me grab my book, and I will come out here to read.”

Cassian’s face broke out into a huge grin. “Thank you, Nesta.”

Letting go of his hand, Nesta went off to her room and retrieved one of the pregnancy books Cassian had given her. True to her word, she returned to the living room and sat upon the couch.

Cassian handed her a blanket using his uninjured arm before taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch.

As Nesta opened her book to begin reading, Cassian turned his head to the side to look at her. “Why don’t you want a fire?” he asked gently.  “You never have a fire going...and come to think of it, whenever I do have a fire going, you’re never in the living room.”

Nesta took a deep breath before closing her book and setting it in her lap. “Because...the cracking...reminds me of...”

She couldn’t even get the words out to say it reminded her of her father. Doing so would bring the visual to her mind again. But Cassian seemed to quickly understand what she was about to say. His expression transformed from one of confusion to one of sympathy as she spoke. He began shaking his head as he leaned in toward her. “Nesta...I am so sorry. I didn’t know. I -”

“I know,” she cut him off.

But she couldn’t help wonder...if only he would have been there for her after the war, perhaps he would’ve known a lot sooner.

“All this time in the mountains...I should have noticed. I should’ve asked sooner,” he added.

“Well, now you know,” she remarked as she picked up her book and turned to the page she left off on to continue reading.

“Let me get you a few more blankets,” he said, moving to get up.

“Cassian, you’re injured. Sit down,” she reprimanded him. “I’m fine. I don’t need anymore blankets.”

Cassian resumed sitting on the couch and tilted his head back as he closed his eyes.

A few minutes of silence passed before Cassian spoke again. “Read aloud to me,” he requested.

“I thought you were going to sleep,” she said without lifting her eyes from the page.

“And waste the first moment I have with you after not hearing from you in ten days? Never.”

She didn’t understand it. Why would he say things like that?

And he actually kept track of how long it had been since they’d last spoken?

“But your eyes are closed, so I assumed you’d be going to sleep.”

“I assumed staring at you while you read would make you uncomfortable,” he stated as he peeked his eyes open. “But if it does not, I will gladly keep my eyes open,” he added with a bright grin.

“Keep your eyes closed,” she was quick to say, and he promptly closed his eyes again.

Clearing her throat, she began reading aloud from the section of her book that detailed what typically occurs during five to six months of pregnancy.

While she read about this being the typical period of time when the mother begins to feel the baby moving, she couldn’t help but place one of her hands on her protruding belly with the hope of feeling something respond.

She continued to read on, but she could feel Cassian shift around. “You haven’t felt the baby move yet, have you?” He asked curiously, interrupting her as he looked over at her and stared at the hand she placed on her stomach.

“Not yet,” she answered softly as she tapped her stomach.

Cassian gave her a soft, encouraging smile. “It’ll happen soon.”

She just prayed that nothing was wrong and that’s why she hadn’t felt anything yet.

“Have you thought of any names yet?” Cassian questioned her.

“Not yet.”

Nesta tilted her book back up to continue reading, but paused before resting the book back on her lap. “I saw the crib,” she revealed softly.

Cassian’s face seemed to light up in surprise. “Does it seem...suitable?”

Nesta nodded. “Yes.”

“I’ve been wanting to ask you what color I should paint it,” he stated. “And what color I should paint the room. I have a book of the different colors if you want to take a look at them later.”

Nesta couldn’t help but feel _something_ when he said the words. She was still touched he had even started making a crib for her baby, and to clear out a room in his cabin and want to decorate it for her baby...she almost felt the need to cry.

_Damn this pregnancy and the emotions it brings.  
_

For fear of crying if she dared to speak, all she did was nod to acknowledge Cassian’s words. But now she needed to distract herself to stop these feelings. “Are you hungry?” she suddenly asked as she closed her book and put it beside her on the couch cushion.

“Why? Are you hungry?” he asked back instead of answering her question. “I’ll make something for you.”

“You’re injured,” she protested. “I’ll make something for you, for once.”

“I still have one uninjured arm,” Cassian said as he stood up to go to the kitchen, wincing as he did so. “I can still cook.”

“You need to rest,” she insisted as she followed after him.

“I will not let you cook for me while we are here in the mountains,” he stressed.

“Why not?”

“Because that’s what the Illyrian males make the females do for them, and I refuse to be like them.”

“Even though I’m offering to prepare the food for you?”

Cassian nodded. “Do you even know how to cook?” His right eyebrow rose in curiosity as he took a quick glance at her before opening a cupboard.

“I know how to cut up fruits and vegetables, which was all I was planning to eat,” she answered with a satisfied grin.

Cassian pulled a pot out of the cupboard. “Then perhaps, we can use this as an opportunity to teach you how to cook.”

“Only if you are certain this won’t worsen your injury,” Nesta expressed seriously.

“Well, a smart, beautiful female wrapped it perfectly for me, so I know I’ll be fine,” he remarked with a wink at her.

And once again, Nesta found herself wondering why Cassian would say things like that and say them so flirtatiously. The comment brought her the feeling of butterflies in her stomach. She nearly groaned out of frustration for feeling such things.

“We’ll start simple by having you learn how to make stew,” Cassian continued before instructing Nesta to find meat, vegetables and herbs in the kitchen while he lit the burner to heat broth in the pot.

Once Nesta gathered the ingredients, she began cutting them up as Cassian observed. It appeared that attempting to cut them would’ve made it a bit painful for his shoulder. When she was finished, Cassian helped her with plopping them into the pot.

Together, they stood and watched as their dinner heated up, with Cassian tossing in some spices every so often and sharing his input on cooking stew this way.

A brief period of silence passed between them, save for the sounds of the stew cooking. Nesta could sense that Cassian was thinking deeply about something from the way he tilted his head and kept his eyes fixated on the pot.

He took a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?” he asked in a low voice without even looking at her.

The seriousness of his question sent her heart racing as she wondered what he wanted to ask. “As long as it has nothing to do with the topics we agreed you were not allowed to discuss,” she replied.

Cassian nodded in understanding. “When your family didn’t have money...and Feyre was forced to hunt for food...why didn’t you try to help?”

She knew what he was essentially asking. _Why did you let your family starve?_

Nesta took a slow deep breath as she tried to not let herself be consumed with rage. For so long, Feyre’s Inner Circle had held her lack of action against her. Instead of trying to understand the situation from her point of view, all they saw was her lack of action in regards to their precious Feyre.

“When I was a child, I _loved_ my father,” she began. “My world revolved completely around him. He always made me feel like I was his favorite. He made me feel so incredibly loved. If I ever did something that disappointed him, I was crushed and devastated because it felt like I betrayed him. But he always made it clear how much he loved me...until he lost his wealth and did _nothing_.”

Nesta couldn’t stop the tear that surfaced in her eye and streamed down her face. “And so I foolishly thought I could force him to act by not doing anything, not even attempting to save myself or my sisters. I was so filled with resentment toward him that I wanted him to see what he was doing to us. I wanted him to feel hurt the same way he hurt us, hoping and hoping that one day, it would trigger him to act...but that day didn’t come.

“And so I let myself drown in bitterness and rage. And I regret not helping feed my sisters. In trying to hurt my father, I hurt them too. I realize that now,” Nesta expressed solemnly as she laid her hand against her belly, promising herself to never let her child ever feel uncared for or unloved.

When the one person who loved her stopped loving her, it had been hard to find the strength to keep going... And so that was when she adopted a steely exterior, keeping her love at a distance, never wanting to feel betrayed by those she loved ever again.

“I had thought that helping in the war would help make amends for that mistake, but perhaps it did not,” she added bitterly, while more tears began to fall.

At that comment, Cassian abruptly turned his hazel eyes on her. They were filled with concern, sorrow, and understanding, and she couldn’t stop the sudden flow of memories from the war that came flashing through her mind as she looked back at him. His concern when she had sensed something was wrong when they were meeting with all the High Lords in the Dawn Court… His alarm when she had screamed for him before the Cauldron shot its deadly blast of light… His sorrow and regret right before he kissed her on the battlefield…

Cassian placed his hands on her cheeks and brushed her tears away with his thumbs. “Thank you for telling me,” he whispered as Nesta sniffled. “I think I understand now. I do not hold it against you.”

Cassian leaned his head down and placed a brief kiss on the top of her head.

Perhaps it was the sight of his injury in front of her again, or maybe it was the ridiculous pregnancy-related emotions, but when he pulled away, Nesta found that she craved his comfort. She grabbed his hand from his uninjured arm and gingerly leaned her head against his shoulder. He, in turn, squeezed her hand tightly before intertwining their fingers and rubbing her thumb with his own.

After silence rested between them for a short while, Nesta broke it. “When you’re healed, could you take me to the place where you remember your mother?” she gently asked. With all of these feelings regarding her father surfacing...she just needed that peace of visiting the established memorial to her father and Cassian’s mother.

“Yes, of course,” Cassian responded.

“Thank you, Cassian,” she said.

It wasn’t until the stew was finished cooking that they broke physical contact. 

* * *

A few days later, the salve on Cassian’s injury had healed his shoulder completely, leaving him free to fly painlessly. And so, the two were off to the mountain where Cassian was born and had established a place to remember her father and his mother.

Instead of thinking about the ways her father failed her, Nesta spent her time there focused on the times when she knew he loved her. Memories of walking through the village as a young girl, holding her father’s hand and always begging for a pastry from a food stand, to which he always obliged. Whenever he returned from a business trip, she always ran outside to give him the biggest hug and he would hug her tightly to him, whispering, “My most precious flower, how I’ve missed you.” Then he would present her with a gift from his travels, always paired with a flower.

And then there was that day on the battlefield that would forever be etched in her memory. When her father led an armada of ships in the war to help them.

He finally tried to save them.

But did that suddenly erase the years he left them to suffer?

The love she had for him had made her so destructive and bitter, causing her to be selective about her love. When her father stopped caring for them, she doted upon Elain. Because Elain wasn’t capable of taking care of herself. She was someone who would need Nesta’s care to get by.

With Feyre, Nesta had always known that she was bold and headstrong, capable of taking care of herself. And Nesta knew that if she doted upon Feyre as she did Elain, she was opening herself up to the potential heartbreak of one day her sister not needing her.

Looking at the stone in front of her, she brought her hand to her stomach.

At least her father’s lack of care gave her the drive to be there for her child and a strong desire to never let him or her feel unloved. So that was one thing she was thankful for from her father.

But would she always be fearful to love others freely and unconditionally?

She turned to look at Cassian, who stood a short distance away, lost in his own thoughts. She stared at him for a minute, noticing how the wisps of his hair flew around his head in the wind.

Despite the fact that she was so incapable of a carefree love, for some reason Cassian still cared for her and was able to look past her lack of care for her family in the past.

And she knew his care was putting a dent in the shield around her heart. She hated herself for it, but was unable to hate him at all for it.

Probably sensing her gaze upon him, he looked up at her. “Ready?” he asked as he walked toward her.

“If you are,” she replied.

Cassian nodded and picked her up off the ground.

As he flew them back to his cabin, they spent the time in silence, each deep in their own thoughts.

When they arrived home, he made a gentle landing. Usually, Cassian would delicately set Nesta upon the ground. But today, he continued holding her in his arms, showing no intention of releasing her.

Nesta, with her arms still wrapped around his neck, looked up at him in confusion to find him staring right back at her. “What are you doing?” she wondered quietly.

“I’m not ready to let go just yet,” he answered softly with a small smile.

“Your arms are going to get tired,” she pointed out.

“I’ll never tire of this,” he replied honestly.

 _This._ She wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by “this” because somehow it didn’t feel like he was simply referring to him holding her. It seemed to hold a deeper meaning of...whatever this feeling was between them.

As the snowflakes fell upon them, Nesta shifted her eyes so she was staring at the ebony sleeve of her coat, while she felt his gaze burrowing into her.

“I know that I don’t say it enough, but…” she stated quietly. “I appreciate all you’ve been doing for me, Cassian.”

Cassian gave her body a squeeze, causing her to finally look back up at him. “You can thank me by naming your child after me,” he replied with a cheeky grin.

Nesta dramatically made a sound of disgust. “I would never name my child after someone so brutish,” she avowed.

“Brutish?!”

“You’re the one who’s refusing to let me go against my wishes,” she noted.

“Is it really your wish that I let you go?” he voiced huskily as he inclined his head closer to hers. The sudden movement caused her to momentarily lose her breath.

Did she really seek to be released from his arms? She felt so comfortable and at ease...and that was certainly a feeling that was against her wishes. There was still the urge to keep her distance.

But there also was a desire to close the distance...

“Well, the baby is cold and hungry,” she said in response, fighting off that desire. “So, we should get inside.”

Her response wasn’t necessarily a lie...she was starting to feel cold and hungry. But it wasn’t completely true either, having come up with her excuse on the spot.

As whenever Nesta mentioned the baby, Cassian immediately did what she asked and set her upon the ground. Slowly, Nesta walked away from him and stepped onto the wooden platform that led to the door. She paused to brush the snow off of her coat before pushing the door open. Cassian trailed behind her, stopping to shake the snow off the outdoor rug.

Meanwhile, Nesta went inside and removed her coat to hang it on the coat rack. She headed toward the living room with the intention of finding a blanket to wrap around herself.

“Hello, Nesta,” a voice called out as soon as Nesta entered the living room, stopping her in her tracks.

Nesta’s surprised eyes shot to the source of the voice, which turned out to belong to Mor.

And when Nesta spotted her, Mor let out a gasp as she looked straight at her bulging stomach.

“Is...is Cassian the father?” Mor questioned out of her shock.

Nesta, still stunned at Mor’s surprise appearance and now learning about her pregnancy, opened her mouth to respond.

“No, of course not!” Cassian hurriedly answered from behind her. “Mor, what...what’s going on? What are you doing here?” Cassian wondered as he rushed over to greet his friend with a hug.

_No, of course not!_

Mor said something or other about going on a mission for a long while and wanting to say goodbye to Cassian before she left...but Nesta couldn’t focus on her words. All she could focus on was...

_No, of course not!_

No, of course he wasn’t the father of her child because he would never want to have a child with someone like her. How foolish of her to even believe that the two of them could be...something more.

His words stung her deeply, as anger and sadness flowed throughout her.

This whole time she had been trying to protect her heart, but now...now she knew that she had failed. Because if she had truly protected herself, she wouldn’t be feeling such pain as this.

But she had to focus. A member of the Inner Circle knew about her pregnancy.

“Don’t tell anyone else,” Nesta suddenly interjected in the middle of Mor’s babbling. “Please,” she sternly demanded.

Mor paused and looked surprised as she turned to look at Nesta.

“No one else knows?”

Nesta stiffly shook her head, and they all stood in silence. Mor looked over at Cassian before bringing her gaze back to Nesta.

“Well, I assume you have your reasons,” Mor said seriously. “I won’t be seeing the rest of the Inner Circle anytime soon so I won’t say anything.”

“Thank you,” Nesta replied sternly before stomping in the direction of her room, deliberately avoiding eye contact with Cassian.

“Nesta…” she heard Cassian say as he attempted to grab her arm when she passed him by, but she swatted his hand away without a word.

She went straight to her room and shut the door closed behind her.

* * *

 

“No, of course not!”

As soon as the words flew out of Cassian’s mouth, he instantly regretted them and inwardly cringed at how it sounded. But he had been so shocked to see Mor, he didn’t know what he was doing. So he tried to brush off what he said by instantly going to Mor’s side to hug her. “Mor, what...what’s going on? What are you doing here?”

“Well, I’m off to spend the next year travelling to a few courts as requested by Rhys, and I just wanted to stop by briefly to say goodbye since I won’t be able to see you for a while. It had already been so long since I last saw you,” Mor explained.

Cassian had trouble listening to Mor speak because his attention drifted over to Nesta, whose eyes were filled with fury and her hands were clenched as her sides.

“But perhaps you were trying to hide this from me and - ” Mor began to say as she gestured toward Nesta, but was abruptly cut off.

“Don’t tell anyone else,” Nesta requested. “Please.”

Mor looked surprised as she turned her eyes to Nesta.

“No one else knows?” she asked.

When Nesta stiffly shook her head, Mor’s eyes met Cassian’s. “Please don’t say anything,” Cassian mouthed. While he wanted Nesta’s sisters to know that she was pregnant, it should be Nesta to tell them. And she should tell them when she was ready. He simply prayed that day would come soon.

“Well, I assume you have your reasons,” Mor said. “I won’t be seeing the rest of the Inner Circle anytime soon so I won’t say anything,” she acquiesced. Cassian let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you,” Nesta stated coldly and started stomping away. She seemed to be trying to not look at him, but he could tell there was a pained expression in her eyes. He needed to fix this. Why did he have a habit of saying the wrong thing?

He moved to grab her wrist when she brushed past him. “Nesta…” he called her quietly, but she shooed his hand away and continued to her room, promptly slamming the door behind her.

“I see Nesta is her usual self,” Mor commented as she watched her angrily leave the room. “Except for the fact that she’s pregnant.” Mor looked up at Cassian. “You haven’t told anyone?”

Cassian shook his head.

“How long have you known?”

“Since October.”

“October?!” she exclaimed. “You’re keeping secrets for her and keeping information from Rhys and Feyre for her?”

“Mor, _please._ ”

“After all she’s done to you?”

“ _Mor.”  
_

Mor sighed. “You’re lucky I’ve already said goodbye to everyone else, and this was just my final stop before I leave for my mission.”

“Thank you, Mor,” he said as he embraced her again. “I appreciate you coming here, but I’ve hurt her and now I need to go talk to her.”

“I only came to say goodbye. It wasn’t meant to be a long visit,” Mor said before pulling away from him. “Do you love her?”

Out of instinct when talking to Mor, he wanted to say no. But that was solely because he was speaking to Mor...someone who it was hard to discuss his romantic relationships with, considering their history of friendship. She’d always been very protective of him, never finding any female worthy of him and fearing a female would come between their relationship. And because of that, Cassian had a tendency of trying to hide any possible relationships from her.

Plus, she had spoken about her worry over his interest in Nesta in the past, fearing she would hurt him.

“I don’t know,” he answered. He wasn’t certain about his feelings yet, but if he were...he would want Nesta to be the first to know.

Mor gave him a sad smile and pressed her hand against his cheek. “Protect yourself, Cassian,” she gently advised.

Cassian nodded and kissed her on her forehead. “Thank you for understanding,” he whispered. “Good luck on your journey. I’ll write to you.”

“Goodbye, Cassian,” she said before winnowing out of sight.

Cassian instantly bolted down the hall to Nesta’s room, pounding his fists on the closed door.

“Nesta! I need to talk to you!” he exclaimed.

“I’M BUSY,” she angrily shouted.

“Nesta, _please_ ,” he begged. “I didn’t mean for my words to sound like that.”

“I DON’T CARE!” she yelled back through the door.

“Nesta, _please_ !” he exclaimed again.

“The baby and I are trying to rest!”

Cassian sighed out of frustration and ran his hand through his hair. But he couldn’t leave her fuming about this. Couldn’t allow her to think that he was appalled by her because it certainly was not true.

With a huff, he stomped down the hallway and outside of the house. Trudging through the snow, he went around the side of the house to the window that looked into Nesta’s bedroom. He slid the window open, then hopped up on the windowsill and twisted his body so he could bring his whole body inside.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” she yelped from her bed.

Turning around, Cassian slid the window closed behind him, then turned back to Nesta. “I need to talk to you.”

“We’ve done enough talking!”

“Those words I said to Mor, I didn’t - ”

“But of course you’re repulsed by me, Cassian!” she interjected as she sat up in her bed and looked back at him. “Because as you’ve said before, how could someone ever love me, including my own sisters?”

The pain in her voice nearly crushed him. And the reminder of what he’d said to her on Winter’s Solstice over a year ago cut him like a knife.

“Nesta, I - ”

“I should have remembered that all of this is just to honor your mother’s memory,” she noted in anguish. “I was a fool to start believing otherwise,” she added in a quiet voice.

“ _Nesta,”_ he fiercely stated, demanding her attention by standing right in front of her and placing his hands against her cheeks. As he stared deep into her eyes, he found them to be tinged red. “Please _listen_ to me. I am not repulsed by you. I admire you for the way you’ve taken care of your child, and I am grateful to you for how you’ve helped me,” he emphasized. “With you...I don’t feel so alone,” he added in a whisper.

Her eyes showed no reaction as he spoke. “Then why did you say those words to Mor?” she demanded to know.

Cassian sighed. “With Mor, our friendship has lasted for centuries and...she’s sensitive to anything that could possibly come in the way of that. When I’m around her, I just instinctively try to protect that friendship...which results in me saying stupid things that I regret. I am so sorry.”

And for the past year and a half, Mor had seemed especially sensitive in regards to Nesta, even advising him at one point to stop trying to help Nesta when she was in her downward spiral after the war, fearing he would get hurt even more. And she certainly wasn’t happy at all when Feyre decided to have Nesta move into his cabin.

But he didn’t feel like he needed to tell Nesta about that right now.

“But you also have said that you don’t understand how my sisters could love me,” she stated solemnly.

Cassian shook his head in shame. “That was a complete and utter lie. I was hurt and angry over the fact you weren’t talking to me and that you didn’t want anything to do with me after...everything we’d been through. It was my stupid attempt to hurt you in return for hurting me.”

Nesta’s eyes remained emotionless as she said nothing.

“I am so sorry,” Cassian repeated in a whisper as he stroked her cheeks with his thumbs and continued to stare into her blue-grey eyes. “I do truly care about you. It hurts me that I’ve upset you.”

“Where were you, after the war?” she shakily asked. “For the first couple of months after the war, you never tried to speak to me or see me.”

Cassian took a deep breath. “I thought you needed time and space, and I...was dealing with my own issues after the war. After so many of my men died, I was feeling guilty for being alive...and felt that I should live in suffering.”

“And it was _my_ fault you survived,” Nesta piped in softly.

Cassian couldn’t stop the tears that filled his eyes. “When I lost myself in that guilt, I will admit that I blamed you for a time. But it was only because I was drowning in my own guilt. Mor and Az and Rhys pulled me out of it, but by the time they did, you were already drowning and wouldn’t let me help you.”

“Well, sorry for saving your life, ” she remarked bitterly. “I didn’t realize you would want to die.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Cassian firmly declared. “Everything was that shitty king of Hybern’s fault. You are _not_ to blame for anything. And I am so thankful you did save my life because I get another chance…” he trailed off.

_I get another chance to be with you. To no longer carry the regret of not having time with you.  
_

“Another chance to rectify my mistakes,” he finished as he sat on the bed beside her.

“I didn’t realize that even the General Commander suffered after the war.”

“Every war takes its toll,” he revealed sorrowfully. “It never gets easier.”

Nesta leaned her head against his shoulder. “I thought I was alone,” she mumbled.

Cassian slowly moved his arm so he could wrap it around Nesta’s shoulders. Nesta leaned her head against his chest as he began stroking her hair, slowly undoing her crown braid.

“You are never alone,” he whispered. “I’m sorry you felt that way. And that I wasn’t there for you sooner.”

A few tears slid out of Nesta’s eyes, but Cassian was ready to wipe them away with his thumbs.

The urge to kiss her returned, and maybe that would show her just how much she meant to him. It was an urge that kept popping up more and more in the past few days...like when she helped wrap his shoulder. When she joined him for meals again a few days ago. When they flew back to the cabin earlier and he continued to hold her in his arms for a little while longer...

But he had messed up so much in the past few weeks...could he really risk infuriating her further by attempting to kiss her?

Perhaps, now was not the best moment, especially after discussing the ways he’d failed her. But they had just opened up to each other, creating a deeper bond between them.

Did he love her? He couldn’t tell. The only prime example of romantic love he’d ever witnessed was that between Rhys and Feyre...and right now, he and Nesta certainly weren’t like them. But perhaps they could be...one day.

If they tried.

Could he take the next step forward with her? If only he could figure out what she was feeling...and if only he could stop ticking her off with his foolish words and actions.

But the fact that those foolish words and actions upset her surely showed that he meant _something_ to her?

Suddenly, Nesta gasped and brought her hand to her stomach. Cassian’s hand that had been running through her hair froze in place, and he looked down at her in alarm. “What’s wrong?” he asked anxiously, fearing something was awry.

But then he saw Nesta do something he had never seen her do before.

She smiled. _Truly_ smiled out of joy and happiness and not out of smug satisfaction.

She brought her other hand to her stomach too and let out an ecstatic laugh. “The baby is kicking,” she revealed.

Her happiness was infectious, causing him to beam and feel overcome with gladness. Before he could say anything, Nesta eagerly grabbed his free hand and brought it up against her stomach.

He waited a moment before he finally felt the kick.

The sensation brought him a feeling of elation he had never experienced before. Nesta let out another joyous laugh, and Cassian couldn’t help but join in as they both felt the baby’s kicks. Caught up in the excitement of the moment, he leaned down and kissed Nesta’s forehead.

As he pulled away, she stared up at him with bliss shining in her eyes.

And that was when he felt it.

The snap of the mating bond. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate all the support :) Let me know your thoughts!


	7. February

_ **February** _

As Cassian flew back from Velaris to his cabin, his body seemed to sing at the fact that he was getting closer and closer to Nesta. A couple of weeks ago, he felt something snap between them, and he knew it must have been the mating bond. And since then, it felt as if there was some kind of tether between them that was always wanting to pull them together. His body seemed to be in a state of unrest when he wasn’t near her.

But when they were together, he only found _ some  _ contentment...because there was the fact that he always detected another male’s scent on her.

He knew that scent was coming from the baby she had created with another male, and it sent his blood pulsing with jealousy, leaving him feeling a little on edge when he was around her.  


As far as he knew, Nesta knew nothing about this bond between them.  


When he felt the bond snap into place, he nearly fell off of her bed in shock. But Nesta had no reaction as she continued to relish in the feeling of her baby kicking inside her stomach. And over the course of the few weeks since then, she made no mention of feeling anything different between them nor sensing the snap.  


So Cassian said nothing to her...and still had said nothing about it to her.

Because how do you tell someone who feels that she’s lost control of every aspect of her life that something outside of themselves determined she should be bonded to him for life?  


He certainly didn’t want her to feel forced to be with him.  


After being alive for over 500 years, the bond felt so strange and foreign. To be experiencing this after all this time…

He had thought that the potential for a powerful, strong and loving mating bond was a myth, considering he had seen so many poor matches over the centuries. But then Rhys and Feyre’s bond was superior to any relationship he had ever seen.

And he longed to experience such a love.  


Knowing Nesta was his mate brought him both excitement and trepidation. He knew he was falling for her - had been falling for her for a long time. He already loved her as an ally, a confidant and a friend, but knew those feelings were on the brink of going deeper.

But he had no idea if she was close to feeling the same way. Hell, he didn’t even know if she even considered him a friend. And the mating bond wouldn’t matter if she didn’t feel anything for him. He would never allow her to accept the bond unless she reciprocated his feelings.  


So he resolved to wait to tell her until he knew she cared for him.

(If that ever happened.)

Once he landed, he strode across the snow and through the door of his cabin, eager to find Nesta to discuss his morning visit with Rhys. After shaking the snow out of his hair upon entering the cabin, he headed in the direction of Nesta’s room when he didn’t see her in the living room.

But something felt off...he was not able to sense her presence.

She wasn’t in the cabin.  


He tried to remind himself that were plenty of instances where he had come home to find Nesta was out somewhere. She was rather fond of walking and exploring.  


But now the mating bond had made Cassian overprotective, he couldn’t help but feel extremely frustrated that he didn’t know where she was.

That frustration didn’t last long, however. As he stood in her room pondering where she could be, he heard the front door of the cabin open and close, and his heart seemed to pump with excitement at the nearness of his mate.  


He stalked over to the living room and found her hanging up her coat and removing her boots.  


“Where have you been?” he asked more roughly than he intended. The bond made him more edgy than normal.

“There’s no need to be such a possessive brute,” Nesta reprimanded him. “I was visiting the healer,” she revealed as she walked past him, heading toward her room.  


Cassian followed after her. “You visited the healer? You should’ve told me. I could’ve gone with you.”

“I am perfectly capable of going to see the healer on my own,” Nesta said with a bit of sharpness to her voice. “Just as I have done the past few times.”  


Cassian signed. “I know, but we’re getting closer to the baby’s birth. You shouldn’t be -”

“Being possessive and controlling does not look good on you, Cassian,” Nesta interrupted him as she turned around to face him and crossed her arms above her pregnant stomach.  


“I don’t mean to sound that way. I -”

Nesta frowned as she interrupted him again. “Usually after such a comment, you would say something ridiculous like ‘ _ Then tell me what does look good on me, sweetheart? Would nothing be more suitable?’  _ and you didn’t. What’s going on with you? What’s wrong?”  


Cassian opened his mouth to speak but paused as he stared back at Nesta. She had evidently been trying to bait him back into acting like his usual self, like making comments that would typically make her roll her eyes. She had used it as a test to see if he was acting normally, and she admitted it. The old Nesta - the Nesta of a few months ago - would have never said nor admitted such a thing.  


In the couple of weeks since he felt the snap of the bond - which occurred during a week where they had also expressed some of their deeper feelings to one another - their relationship had begun to feel more at ease. They certainly still bickered and tossed insults at one another, but now it was more out of fun rather than spite.  


Cassian ran a hand through his long hair. “I’m sorry. Nothing’s wrong. I’m just more worried about the baby the closer we get to the birth.”

He truly was concerned and growing extra cautious about Nesta and the baby, but the bond perhaps amplified those worries.  


“Please stop worrying. I am fine and the healer said that as far as she can tell, the baby is also fine,” Nesta said as she went over to the side of her bed and began pulling back the covers. “How was your meeting?”  


“Good,” he answered, keeping it short upon the realization that Nesta was trying to get ready for an afternoon nap.  


“Good?” she questioned as she turned her head back at him, giving him an unimpressed look. “That’s it?”  


“I can tell you more after your nap.”  


“Tell me now,” she calmly requested as she sat in her bed with her back leaning against the headboard.  


“We don’t need to right now,” he replied. “You need to rest.”

“Cassian,” she said with exasperation as she patted the spot on the bed next to her, gesturing for him to lay beside her. “Tell me.”  


“Are you inviting me to into your bed?” he asked charmingly with a devilish grin as he sat next to her.  


“There’s the Cassian I know,” she remarked with a smirk.  


“And find completely irresistible,” Cassian finished for her as his eyes glimmered with amusement.  


Nesta huffed, but the smirk didn’t leave her face. “So the meeting…?” she began.  


Cassian nodded. “Rhys wants me to visit with some of the other camps. He’s heard some camps have been having meetings with each other, so we need to make sure it’s not the beginning of some civil war.”  


“Hmm,” Nesta said as she stared thoughtfully at the wall and slid her body down so her head was propped against her pillow.  


“What are you thoughts on this?” Cassian inquired.  


“Should you really be imposing yourself on the other camps?” she wondered. “They’d be forced to host you, plus you run the risk of them poisoning you again.”

“Do you have another suggestion?”  


Nesta remained silent for a moment before answering. “Invite the camp leaders here. All of them.”  


“Hmm.” Cassian rubbed his hand against his chin as he contemplated her suggestion. “Maybe for something like a dinner party?”

Nesta nodded. “You can talk to them all at once.”  


“And possibly gauge their alliances.” Cassian remarked thoughtfully.  


“And you could cook for them too,” Nesta added with a devious smile. “They’d  _ love  _ that.”  


Cassian chuckled, knowing the idea of a male - let alone a bastard - cooking for them would drive them mad. “Indeed.”  


“Plus, I’d actually be able to watch your back if you met with them here,” Nesta added with a smug grin.  “I think we’re getting close to the point where I probably shouldn’t be flying around too much.”  


She started to rub her stomach as she closed her eyes. A genuine smile graced her face as she did so. As he stared at her, he thought about how he probably would be at a loss without her if he had to visit the other camps without her.

Plus, he would likely lose his mind with anxiety over wondering how Nesta was doing.  


“I’ll consider it and discuss with Rhys,” he answered. Later, he would have to use his magical parchment to get a quick message to him. “But whatever we choose to do, will you help me write my letters to the camps?”  


“Well, you certainly can’t be trusted to write a quality letter on your own,” she answered with her eyes still closed. “You’d be at a loss without me.”  


“That’s true,” Cassian revealed softly and genuinely. Nesta’s eyes fluttered open to look up at him in surprise.  


He loved this. These moments where they casually talked to each other, came up with ideas together, joked around with each other, and had honest moments together. These days, it felt so easy-going and natural. He wished he could lay beside her all day and talk like this.  


...as well as stare into her mesmerizing eyes like this.

Cassian simply reached down and swept a stray strand of hair out of her face, letting his fingers linger on the side of her face as he stared back at her.  


“We’ll talk more after your nap,” he announced quietly. A content smile came across Nesta’s face. “I’ll have dinner ready for you when you wake up.”

When she closed her eyes again, he removed his hand and got up off the bed. 

* * *

 

_ Three Weeks Later _

When Nesta was stirred awake by a fluttery movement in her stomach, she couldn’t help but recall when she felt the baby kick for the first time last month.  


It completely took her by surprise. The feeling of something within her -  _ moving _ \- was a strange sensation.  


And yet, it was one that instantly brought her so much joy. Because the baby finally felt real to her.  _ Her  _ baby.  


Without even thinking about it, she had instantly smiled and giggled with glee from the feeling. Despite the anxiety, the stress and the fear of becoming a parent, she was overcome with the realization that she hadn’t been alone these past several months. Her baby was with her as she was forced to go to the Illyrian Mountains and tried to find purpose in her life again.  


This baby had made her want to live again.  


Her elation from feeling the kick was so strong that she longed to share it. And when she had looked up, she found Cassian staring back at her and instantly took his hand to press it against her belly so he could feel the kicking too.

And he laughed boisterously with her, enlivening her even more.  


It was the first time in a long time she had felt so tremendously happy. After feeling like an outsider and feeling so alone for so long, to have someone there to share her excitement made the moment all the more euphoric.  


Especially after the emotionally intimate moment they had just shared, revealing their misconceptions, pains, and sufferings because of the war and because of the other.  


Since that day, her relationship with Cassian had felt deeper and stronger than ever before. Being around him made her feel at ease. And over the past few weeks, they had organized a dinner gathering together for the Illyrian camp leaders, mailing out the letters to invite them about two weeks ago.  


Her and Cassian operated as a team in the planning it. He always sought her opinion and considered her ideas, making her feel important and valued.  


It was so unlike how her father and Tomas made her feel. When her father lost their family’s fortune, she felt discarded and unworthy of love. With Tomas, he made it clear that all she would be good for was pleasuring him whenever he wanted.

But Cassian made her feel like his equal, always asking for her help or opinion.  


The dinner gathering was set to be tomorrow evening, and he asked her to be there.  


(As if she wouldn’t demand to be there.)

But to be invited made her feel wanted.

It had been a long time since she felt that way.

As she laid in her bed, the baby gave another kick. Suddenly craving a midnight snack, she decided to get up off the bed and head to the kitchen, carrying her lamp for light as she went.

As she grabbed a piece of fruit from the kitchen and started eating it, she heard some kind of talking and groaning.  


Feeling alarmed, she dropped her unfinished apple on the table and walked out of the kitchen. Following the sound, she ended up at the bottom of the staircase and realized the noise was coming from Cassian’s bedroom.

Slowly, she began making her way up the stairs. As she went, she suddenly started hearing cries and shouts of “No!” over and over again. They made her want to run up the remaining steps, but with her large belly, that was impossible.  


She moved as quick as she was able and when she reached the top, she rushed to Cassian’s bedroom. When she pushed the door open, she found Cassian writhing on the bed, still shouting, with his cries growing louder and louder.  


“Cassian!” Nesta exclaimed as she went to his bedside and put down her lamp on his night stand, but he didn’t seem to hear her.  


“CASSIAN!” she shouted again as she crawled into his bed, reaching her hand out to grasp his upper arm and shake him.  


But he was so large and muscular, she had to use two hands as she leaned over him and shook him. “CASSIAN, WAKE UP!”  


His cries died on his lips as he opened his eyes to find her looking over him. He took a few deep, heavy breaths before answering. “Nesta?”  


Nesta nodded and put her hand against his cheek. “Whatever you saw, it was just a nightmare.”

He hadn’t lied to her when he told her months ago, after hearing her scream his name during a nightmare, that he had nightmares about the war too.  


Cassian brought up his hand to cover hers on his cheek and squeezed. Probably checking to make sure she was real.  


She understood the need to make sure the world around you was real. That you were no longer in the midst of the war, the pain, the suffering, or the warped memories.  


She watched him as he gradually remembered where he was.  


“You came up the stairs?” he asked groggily. “You’re over six months pregnant! You could’ve fallen!” he stated, clearly aghast.   


“Stop acting like I can’t walk around while I’m pregnant,” she reprimanded him. “Besides, _someone_ ’s shouts was disturbing my sleep. I had to put an end to it,” she added in a lighter tone.

A soft smile appeared on Cassian’s face, and he squeezed Nesta’s hand again. “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he released her hand.  


“You don’t need to be,” she answered softly as she laid down beside him and removed her hand from his cheek. “What were you dreaming about?”  


He sighed. “The day when so many of my men died from that blast of light from the Cauldron,” he stated solemnly. “Except this time, I was forced to watch as the blast killed each of them, one by one. It was...horrifying.”  


She couldn’t comfort him by telling him the dream wasn’t real. The events were indeed real. And with the meeting with some of the Illyrian camp leaders happening tomorrow, it was not a complete surprise he was having a nightmare about the death of his men.  


In her own nightmares and sufferings resulting from the war, she was not alone. Just as he had said...but to actually witness it...the realization sunk deeper within her.  


And she didn’t want him to feel alone either. Comforting him in the only way she could think to, she laid her head upon his shoulder and hesitantly rested her hand across his chest. At the motion, Cassian lifted up his hand to wrap it around her shoulders, bringing her closer.  


 “I’m sorry,” she breathed, still feeling awful for being the one who called him away from the Cauldron’s blast, leaving him to deal with this guilt.  


“As I’ve told you before, you don’t need to be,” he murmured before gently placing a kiss on her forehead. “Thanks for being here.”  


There was a stirring within her stomach. “I think the baby wants you to know it’s here too,” she said with a slight smile before picking up Cassian’s free hand and leading it to her stomach.  


While he pressed his hand against her belly, he beamed. “Thank you, baby Archeron.”  


“Are you all right?” Nesta asked him, being familiar with the difficulties of recovering from a terrible reminder of the events of the war.  


Cassian rubbed her stomach. “I will be,” he said after his chest heaved with a sigh. “Distract me. Tell me, do you think the baby will be a boy or a girl?”  


Nesta took a moment to think. “A girl.”  


“Why?”  


“I don’t know. I just...have this feeling.”  


“I think it’s a boy,” Cassian piped in.  


“Why?”

“Just a feeling,” he said with a smirk.  


Nesta rolled her eyes. “Well, I guess we’ll find out who’s right in a couple of months.”  


“We should probably go shopping soon to buy clothes and toys for the baby,” he offered.  


“As long as it’s a shop nowhere near Feyre’s art studio,” Nesta sternly said.  


“Understood.” Cassian nodded. “Any ideas for a name yet?”

“In a book I was reading the other day, a character was named Cordelia. I rather liked that name. For a boy...maybe Theo?”  


“Hmm.”

“Do you have any better ideas?” she asked him sarcastically.  


“Well I still stand by Cassian for a boy, and then Cassandra if it’s a girl.”

Nesta rolled her eyes. “I am not naming this baby after you. I already have too many cocky Cassians in my life.”  


“You mean you have just the right amount of Cassians in your life,” Cassian corrected her.

After a pause, she spoke. “I have just the right amount,” she was willing to admit as she looked up at him.

And he was staring right back at her, giving her the infamous look. That look that the shopkeeper in Velaris pointed out. That one that he sported during their sleigh ride at the Solstice fair. The look that sent her heart racing with desire yet terrified her all at the same time.  


And that urge to close the distance bubbled up again.  


But she gave into her fear. “Goodnight, Cassian,” she said as she abruptly sat up with the intention of heading back to her room.  


“Nesta,” Cassian suddenly pleaded as she shifted her legs to hang off the side of the bed. “Please stay...and keep the nightmares away.”  


His words made her stop.  


Most people considered her to be a living nightmare.

Was he implying that her presence would stop the nightmares from coming for the rest of the night?  


That was something she could not deny him.  


Ever so slowly she turned around and returned to her former spot on the bed, nuzzled at Cassian’s side. He wrapped his arm tightly around her again. “Thank you, Nes.”

And they fell asleep peacefully beside each other, remaining embraced until dawn.  


* * *

 

“Nes, are you ready?” Cassian exclaimed loudly as he went between the kitchen and the living room to place dishes of food on the table set for eleven. He had temporarily cleared out the living room couch to make space for his dinner gathering with the Illyrian camp leaders.  


“Almost,” Nesta called back.  


Cassian looked up at the clock that hung in his living room above the fireplace. It was almost time for the camp leaders to arrive.  


“I’ll be outside to greet them,” he hollered back.  


Illyrian protocol required him to be outside his residence before fellow Illyrians arrived, or else it would be a sign of disrespect and offense. Stepping outside the door, he walked across the wooden platform and stepped down onto the snowy ground to stand and wait.  


His body was tense with anxiousness over the meeting. Over the past few weeks, he and Nesta had gone over ideas and topics to discuss to improve life for Illyrians females and children. While he passionately believed in the reforms, he was nervous over how the Illyrian leaders would react…

Well, he certainly knew they would not react well to them, but he just wasn’t sure  _ how _ badly they would react to them and what he would have to do to convince them to make the changes…

He heard the crunch of boots against the ground, causing him to abruptly lift his head. Devlon was approaching.  


When he reached him, Cassian held out his hand to shake in greeting. “Good evening, Devlon,” Cassian forced himself to say kindly.

Devlon simply nodded in greeting as he returned the handshake. “I suppose a congratulations are in order,” he remarked sarcastically as he eyed Cassian suspiciously. “I saw your witch walking around the camp recently. It appears you’re going to be a father soon.”  


“Indeed,” Cassian said seriously without even thinking about it.  


But as soon as the word slipped out, he realized his mistake. And yet...ever since his poor choice of words with Mor, he had started wondering about his relationship to Nesta’s child. Wasn’t he taking on the role of a father for this child? He’d been determined to help Nesta through this pregnancy and intended to help her raise the child if she needed it. He didn’t want her to feel like she was alone in this...and if there was no other male figure in the child or Nesta’s life, wouldn’t it be only natural that he’d be seen as the father figure?  


The thought of another male stepping in to be a father to Nesta’s child sent his heart pounding with jealousy, on top of territoriality the bond brought him.  


But...he knew he should really ask Nesta to see how she views his relationship with her child.  


“But Nesta is the one you should be congratulating,” Cassian added to Devlon, despite knowing that he wouldn’t listen to his suggestion of offering good wishes to a female. “You may head to the table inside.”  


Devlon gave him a curt nod before stepping up on the platform and going inside the cabin. Cassian’s eyes followed him, but his body froze when he saw him walking past Nesta, who evidently had been leaning against the doorway.  


Nesta and Devlon shared a cold look with each other, even as she curtsied (with slight difficulty due to her stomach) out of respect to his status. After he passed her by, Nesta turned her gaze to Cassian.  


Cassian couldn’t breathe.  


Nesta was wearing the elegant black dress he requested she try on and buy when they were in Velaris...and she looked more stunning in the dress than he remembered. Perhaps it was because she had her hair up and twisted in a special braid atop her head this time or the way she had done her makeup or the way the silky dress accentuated her larger breasts.  


Nesta brought her hand up to her stomach and smiled.  


Or perhaps the stunning beauty was because Nesta was glowing.  


Ever since the baby first kicked, she’d been glowing with joy, and now she was looking back at him with happiness shining in her eyes.  


“You look…” Cassian paused. “You look...so beautiful,” he managed to get out in his state of awe.  


“Thank you,” Nesta replied with a slight blush as she returned to leaning against the doorway. It suddenly dawned on him what he had just said to Devlon, which meant...she probably heard him say it.  


“Did you overhear…?” Cassian trailed off as he grimaced.  


Nesta nodded.

“I hope...you aren’t upset that I said that,” he stated tentatively.  


“I’m not,” she replied coolly.  


Cassian let out a deep breath he didn’t realize he was holding.  


But the fact that she wasn’t upset...he couldn’t help but wonder if this meant something.  


The sight of her in that dress fueled his desire to kiss her. But did she share that desire? Last night, she had cuddled next to him and slept beside him. And now she was blushing as he gave her compliments, telling him it was fine that he allowed Devlon to think he was the father of her child, and she was staring back at him with a look that wasn’t a glare. Was he too blinded by his own care for her that he thought she seemed to be looking at him with admiration?  


He stepped up the platform and walked toward her. Her eyes widened a bit as he approached, and she straightened her body. “I came to ask you if you needed help with anything else?” she asked.  


Cassian grabbed hold of both of her hands in his. “Your presence is enough,” he whispered.

For a moment they stared into each other’s eyes, but suddenly Nesta pulled away from him and removed her hands from his grasp. “Someone’s coming,” she explained.

Flustered from the loss of touching her, Cassian clumsily turned around to find Orion from camp Dunclare strolling toward them. Upon realizing it was him, both Cassian and Nesta straightened themselves. Nesta crossed her arms across her chest.  


Cassian grinned with amusement when he noticed Orion eye Nesta warily while cautiously approaching them.  


“I see you managed to get yourself up off the ground,” Nesta coldly stated when Orion stood before them. “But I suppose dogs like you have a knack for getting up when there’s hope of getting scraps from the table.”

Orion narrowed his eyes at her, while Cassian beamed with pride at her.  


“And what might those scraps be?” Orion asked her, trying to play the fool.  


“The power you hope to reclaim by being with your fellow camp leaders,” Nesta answered sternly. “But I trust you remember my words to you the last time we met and will think before you dare to bite.” Nesta made a show of tapping her fingers while her arms remained crossed above her pregnant belly.

They may have not yet discovered how Nesta could activate her powers, but that didn’t stop her from reminding him of what she was potentially capable of doing again.  


“You certainly know how to leave a lasting impression, Nesta Archeron,” he whispered roughly. “You’re very fortunate to have such a wicked creature as your bodyguard, Cassian,” he added without even looking as Cassian. His eyes never left Nesta’s arms.

“I am very lucky to have her at my side,” Cassian remarked sincerely as his eyes flitted to meet Nesta’s gaze.  


Nesta’s current facial expression was one he could not yet figure out and one he did not yet have a name for. It was new to him.  


“And in your bed, evidently,” Orion added in a disgruntled tone with a glance to Nesta’s stomach.

Cassian narrowed his eyes at him, frustrated with the implication that Nesta was his whore. Before he could even think of a response, Nesta threw him a look that told him to keep silent.  


“Allow me to lead you inside,” Nesta told Orion, gesturing for him to follow her as she walked inside the cabin.  


From a distance, Orion followed her inside, while Cassian turned around, prepared to greet another war-lord. 

* * *

The room was quiet.  


It appeared everyone had chosen to seethe in silence as Cassian, Nesta, and the camp leaders sat around the table.  


Upon learning that Cassian prepared and cooked their meal and set the table, the leaders wanted nothing to do with the meal. The imbeciles were still so caught up in their male-dominated ways and certainly didn’t take Cassian’s first topic of discussion lightly.  


“I’d like to establish a monthly council meeting between all of the camp leaders to discuss grievances, reforms, and solutions,” Cassian announced. “And my first request is that you each select a female from your camp to also serve on the council.”

They immediately all cried out in protest and outrage:

“This is ridiculous!”  


“What would they know about this?”  


“They shouldn’t have a say. They don’t need a say!”

“And what female will you pick? Your whore right there?”  


Up until that moment, Cassian managed to remain calm. But that comment set him off, sending him to his feet in rage. He slammed his palms on the ends of the table.  


“Her name is Nesta,” Cassian said in a deathly quiet tone. “She is  _ not _ a whore, and I certainly do not own her. If you ever refer to as a whore again, I will blast you into pieces with my siphons. Is that understood?”

He received a stiff and stern nod from each of them. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nesta to his right with a stoic look on her face as she stared at them all.  


Cassian sat back down in his chair at the end of the table. As soon as he did so, he felt Nesta grab hold of his hand under the table and give it a squeeze.  


 “As for the female council member, I’ve decided to let you all pick one for me,” Cassian explained more calmly.   


Cassian originally wanted Nesta to be on the council with him, but she declined, citing the fact that she wasn’t Illyrian and how that would be even more offensive to them. Instead, she recommended that he ask the other leaders pick one for him to let them have more power as an act of goodwill.  


He still wished it could be Nesta though, but she insisted she would continue to help him without being on the council.  


“Before you go making changes, Cassian…” Andor of the Emberhale camp spoke up, still not giving Cassian respect in referring to him by his title. “There is still a score to settle.”  


Cassian and Nesta turned to look at him. “And what score is that?” Cassian inquired.  


“Many of our camps...” Andor began as he gestured to rest of the leaders. “...are still bitter and resentful of the fact that you lost so many of our men in the last war. They demand atonement.”  


The other leaders mumbled with agreement.

“And how would they like me to atone for this?” Cassian asked carefully, not sure where this was going.  


“All of us leaders here are challenging you to a special Blood Rite. The same Blood Rite rules apply, except for this one, you will be the only trying to reach the top of Ramiel by the end of the seven days. The others in the Rite will be relatives of the Illyrians who died, and their intention will be to kill you.”  


Cassian’s heart started pounding fast. “So, if I make it to the top of Ramiel by the end of week, then what?”

“You will have atoned for the deaths of our people, and the camps will accept you as the General Commander and will be more inclined to obey you.”

“ _ More inclined? _ ” Cassian asked incredulously. Their offer didn’t even guarantee anything.

“If you don’t follow through with this Rite, a war will certainly break out, demanding you be replaced as our General Commander since you have not looked out for the interests of the camps.”

Anger raged through his body. “But we are part of the Night Court. We -”  


His voice was drowned out by the words of affirmation among the other leaders about what Andor had said.

Nesta released Cassian’s hand.  


“So, what you’re saying is I have no choice but to undergo this special Blood Rite?”  


“You also have the option of stepping away from your position,” Vitus from camp Erwood piped in. “And avoid all of this.”

Cassian took a deep breath and resisted the urge to snarl from frustration. He turned his face toward Nesta, looking to her for answers as to what he should do. “Nesta…”

She returned his gaze. “You should go through with the Rite,” she stated, then quickly shifted her eyes to look down at the table.

The quickness and lack of emotion in her response startled him and burned him. His chances of surviving the Rite were not high. He may have survived it once, but he had the help of his friends and didn’t have pissed-off Illyrians deliberately out to kill him then.  


Several months ago, he remembered musing to himself that he wished to do the Blood Rite again to break the tension among the camps. If he were asked to do this back then, he would have boldly accepted the challenge without any hesitation. That was when he had no one to look out for and care for.

But now…

He stared at Nesta, dazzling in her silky, black dress, and his eyes drifted from her face down to her stomach.

And yet, Nesta’s reply made it seem like she didn’t care if he was around to look after them and take care of them. 

Well, if she didn’t need him…

“I will go through with the Rite,” he sternly announced. 

Andor smiled at him. “The Rite will commence in a week’s time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And "in a week's time," it'll be March! :) Prepare yourself for March - it'll be a doozy! (It's currently set to get 3 chapters.)
> 
> Thank you (as always) for all of the support! I love reading all of your comments! <3


	8. March - Part I

_** March - Part I ** _

The week leading up to the Rite had been a peculiar one.

Even though she didn’t ignore Cassian or avoid him completely, Nesta had seemed distant. Instead of eating meals with him, she’d ask him to save her food for later, claiming she was tired and needed to take a nap. It seemed understandable that she would be exhausted considering her pregnancy, but even when they did converse, her words seemed stiff and brief, completely unlike the natural and easy-going conversations they had had before he decided to go through with the Blood Rite.

Following their dinner with the Illyrians, he had hoped Nesta would sleep beside him in his bed again. He even went so far as to attempt to ask her to come and keep the nightmares away, but she brushed him off before he could finish asking his question.

For him, nightmares of undergoing his previous Blood Rite raged on. He wasn’t sure if Nesta had heard his groans and screams during the night, but she never visited him.

Cassian told himself not to dwell on it and instead stay focused on his upcoming challenge, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Nesta’s words and actions. Insisting he do the Rite without trying to come up with a solution or discussing her feelings about his options was disheartening. Did she care at all that there was a high chance he would die during the Rite? And now, she was hardly talking to him nor spending time with him during what could be the last days of his life.

Of course, he was determined to succeed and prove himself as an Illyrian General Commander. He was confident in his skills, but he was still well aware of the risks and what the angered Illyrians could do to fool him, especially when they didn’t have to concern themselves with reaching the top of Ramiel. Their only goal was to kill him.

Rhys was pissed when Cassian told him about the Rite during his visit to Velaris the day after the dinner, wondering why Cassian would make such a hasty decision without talking to him first. He toyed with the idea of using his power to demand the special Rite to be cancelled. But Cassian figured it would’ve only angered them more, and a war would certainly break out.

Cassian spent the week training on his own, without using his wings or any weapons. He’d go out into the woods to search for things in nature that he might find during the Rite and practiced using those to defend himself.

Last time, him and his brothers had each other to get through it together. This time, he wouldn’t have anyone to help him through it.

As he finished packing up various meats and vegetables that he cooked that day and placed them within the ice chest, he heard a shuffling behind him. He turned around to find Nesta standing in the kitchen, looking startled to see him.

“I...didn’t think you’d still be awake,” she said. “I thought you’d be getting as much rest as you could before the Rite.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight because of it...especially not with the nightmares I’ve been having this week,” Cassian revealed.

Nesta did not reply as she stepped toward the table to grab some fruit from the bowl. She didn’t even ask about his nightmares. Didn’t even express concern.

“What are you doing up?” Cassian asked.

 “The baby started kicking, and I was craving a late night snack,” she answered before taking a bite out of the pear she was holding.

Cassian leaned back against the sink. “I just cooked some food this evening and put it in the ice chest so you have meals for all this week,” Cassian explained. “All you’ll have to do is reheat them.”

Nesta paused eating her pear and looked at him strangely. He couldn’t read what she was thinking.

“I’ve also asked Emerie to stay here as a precaution, just in case there’s any trouble with the Illyrians,” Cassian added.

Nesta simply nodded before turning around to head out of the kitchen.

“Listen,” Cassian began, causing her to halt her steps. “If I...don’t return...I’ve left some magical parchment here on the table. All you have to do is write on it, and Feyre and Rhys will receive the message on the parchment they have on the desk in their study immediately.”

“Okay,” Nesta stated apathetically before walking away.

* * *

Cassian awoke before the sun rose the next morning.

He had managed to get some sleep during the night, but it wasn’t entirely peaceful or satisfying. The nightmares shockingly stayed away, but he spent most of the night agonizing over Nesta.

Did she really not care that he might not return?

The thought brought an ache to his chest that didn’t leave him throughout the night.

Despite her attitude, he also couldn’t help but fret over what would happen to Nesta and the baby if he died.

Would she finally tell her sisters about the pregnancy then? Would she go to them for help? Would Nesta remember to feed herself and remain healthy?

After he put on his Illyrian leathers, he slowly made his way downstairs to Nesta’s bedroom.

With a deep breath, he lightly knocked on her door.

“Come in,” she called out, and Cassian opened the creaky door to find her laying in bed, staring right at him.

“I’m off to meet Devlon to take me to the starting point of the Rite,” he announced grimly.

Nesta looked at him blankly, then proceeded to turn her body away from him and cuddled within her blankets. “Don’t die,” she simply stated.

This whole week, Cassian had felt hurt by Nesta’s careless attitude. But now...he couldn’t help but let anger boil within him.

“That’s it?” he questioned her irritably. He shook his head in disbelief. “After everything we’ve been through together the past few months, all you have to say is ‘don’t die’? This could be the last time we see each other,” he shouted. “Or have you actually been hoping to be rid of me this entire time? And that’s why you insisted I do the Rite so quickly and now don’t even bother to talk to me. You’re no longer required to get along with me if I won’t be living much longer. Is that it?”

Nesta remained turned away from him and didn’t move at all. “Goodbye,” she said firmly.

There was no denial.

She didn’t fight back on any of his points.

Cassian heaved a sigh of frustration. “I can’t believe I…” he trailed off as he ran a hand through his hair.

Slamming her bedroom door behind him, he stormed out of her room and out of the cabin.

* * *

_“All of us leaders here are challenging you to a special Blood Rite.”_

Nesta didn’t realize that hearing such a sentence could strike her so deeply, until she heard it.

It felt like everything surrounding her and Cassian - whatever they were at this point - came to a screeching halt.

Up until then, Nesta had started daydreaming about what life would be like when the baby was born. Living in Cassian’s cabin, laying down the baby to sleep each night in the crib Cassian had constructed, cradling the baby in her arms as he or she cried in the middle of the night with Cassian up with her, Cassian preparing food for the baby as well as spoon-feeding the baby with her…

Cassian was a part of all of those daydreams. They never had discussed how exactly he intended to help her with raising the baby, but those moments came to mind whenever Nesta had let her mind wander.

And then she’d also occasionally visualize the moments where the baby would smile and laugh and roll over for the first time. Even just the thought of it happening made her feel full of bliss. She’d picture Cassian sharing her bliss beside her when these moments occurred, leading her daydream to conclude with her kissing Cassian.

Her attraction to him still terrified her, but she found herself incapable of visualizing herself raising her child without him. When he insinuated to Devlon that he was the father of her child, she caught her heart racing out of excitement.

But the one camp leader’s words at dinner that night quickly turned her dreams and hopes for the future into a puff of smoke.

When the Illyrian leaders revealed that Cassian would need to perform a special Blood Rite to prove himself worthy as the General Commander, Nesta knew he would have to do it.

And it nearly destroyed her inside that this meant she could lose him.

But this was something he needed to do. If they could prevent a war, if he could make changes within the Illyrian camps for the better in time, then of course he had to do it.

Even if part of her selfishly wanted him to step away from being General Commander, just because she didn’t want him to die. She wanted him to be...with her.

But that wouldn’t have been true to Cassian’s nature. He always boldly fought for what he believed in and was determined to help those in need. He wasn’t the type to simply step aside and let people fend for themselves. It wasn’t in his nature to give up.

He certainly didn’t give up on her.

He still helped her during her pregnancy, no matter how poorly she had treated him at times.

Even though the majority of the Illyrians despised him, he was determined to improve the camps. They were his people after all. He had to do it for the sake of his mother.

So she had insisted he do the Rite.

But the thought of him dying during the Rite nearly drowned her, so she forced herself to distance herself from him and pretend she felt nothing at all for him the week before the Rite. She feigned exhaustion so she would hardly have to talk to him during the week with the hopes of being able to forget about him and the way he cared for her.

If she could just detach herself from Cassian, then she would feel nothing if he perished during the Rite.

But one week proved it wasn’t enough time for Nesta to detach herself from Cassian.

While trying to distance herself from him, she found doing so made her feel worse. She could tell she was hurting him, and in turn, it hurt her.

Hurting people with her words and actions was always what she did best, unfortunately.

When she heard his screams from his nightmares throughout the week, it took every ounce of strength to resist going to him and to ignore the desire to sleep beside him.

And when he had just now come to say goodbye, she had to turn away because tears were flowing from her eyes. She couldn’t allow him to see how much it pained her to see him go.

With every anger-fueled, pounding step he took to leave her room, it felt like her heart broke into a million pieces. More tears flowed out of her eyes, and she could not stop them.

If he really did die this week...she began to sob at the thought of her dreams and hopes disappearing forever.

As she wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, she realized she couldn’t let it end like this. He had to know how much the past several months had meant to her.

Rapidly peeling the covers off of her body, she moved as quickly as she could to get off of the bed and bolted to the entryway of the cabin, where she clumsily and quickly put on her boots and coat.

She didn’t even take the time to button up her jacket or tie up the laces of her boots. She needed to reach him before it was too late.

Opening the front door, she ran out onto the platform and scanned the surrounding area for him. The sun hadn’t risen yet, making it harder to see. Through the lightly falling snow, she spotted him in the distance, walking in the direction of the center of the camp.

“I DON’T WANT THIS AT ALL,” she yelled with ferocity as she waddled across the platform and stepped down onto the snowy ground. Her shout stopped him in his tracks, and he turned around to look at her.

Her pregnant belly made it difficult to run. She must’ve looked ridiculous as she waddled in Cassian’s direction. When he saw her coming, however, he must have noticed her difficulties and strode toward her instead. Nesta stopped moving and waited for him to approach.

When he reached her, he stood right in front of her and crossed his arms against his chest. “Then what do you want?” he barked.

“You, you fool,” she spat before putting her hands on the sides of his face and yanked his head toward herself to press her lips against his.

It seemed like it was a shock to him, causing him to freeze in place. The kiss was fierce and quick, with Nesta pulling away because of Cassian’s lack of response.

But before she could dwell on his reaction, Cassian quickly reached out to frame her face with his hands and pulled her closer again to kiss her passionately.

This kiss was substantially longer than the previous one, with each of them seemingly unable to get enough of the other. Their lips never left the other’s as Cassian weaved his hands through her unbound hair and she wrapped her hands around his neck to keep him close.

Reluctantly, Nesta pulled her lips away from his to look down at her stomach. The baby was suddenly very active.

It seemed Cassian could feel it too as her stomach was pressed up against him. He chuckled as he placed a hand on her stomach. With his other hand, he gripped her chin to tilt her head back up to him.

“How can you expect me to leave now?” he voiced softly with a hint of a sad smile.

“You have to,” Nesta stated seriously. “For your people. For your mother. But you also must come back,” she pleaded. “Come back to _this_. Come back to _us_.”

Nesta placed one of her hands over Cassian’s hand that rested on her stomach. “We need you,” she whispered.

“If I don’t make -” Cassian began to say but was quickly cut off.

“Don’t even say that. You will make it back. You will,” Nesta insisted as the tears came streaming out of her eyes.

Cassian brought his hands up to her face and wiped her tears away with his thumbs. “But if I don’t,” he continued gravely. “I’ve left my will with Rhys, and I’ve -”

“Stop talking about this! I don’t care about that!” she interjected.

“But I’ve left you -”

“Stop! We’re not talking about this!”

Cassian sighed and shook his head as he continued wiping away her tears. “You are so stubborn,” he remarked. “But there’s one thing I must tell you now, just in case...and I don’t want you to say anything back. I don’t want you to feel pressured to,” he said before taking a deep breath and staring directly into her eyes. “But I need you to know that I am in love with you, Nesta Archeron.”

Nesta couldn’t control the additional tears that sprung from her eyes. The fact that he admitted he loved her struck her deeply.

She wrapped her arms tightly around his torso and buried her face in his chest, letting her tears run onto his leathers. Cassian didn’t seem to mind as he placed his arms around her, hugging her to him and kissing the top of her head.

“I’m sorry I pretended I didn’t care,” she whimpered. “I didn’t want to face it. I - ”

“Shh, it’s okay. We’re okay now,” he murmured as he kissed the top of her head again. “It’s almost dawn,” he lamented.

Dawn. The time he had to meet Devlon.

Slowly, she unwound herself from him and stepped back. While she didn’t want to leave his side, she reminded herself that he had to do this.

She wasn’t ready to admit if she was in love with him, but she had to let him know somehow how deeply she cared for him…

_“I have no regrets in my life, but this. That we did not have time. That I did not have time with you, Nesta. I will find you in the next world - the next life. And we will have that time. I promise.”  
_

Cassian’s words to her on the battlefield in the war against Hybern replayed in her mind. It had been nearly two years since they almost died together, and all they had done was waste the time they were given.

“ _When you return_ ,” she emphasized. “I don’t want to waste anymore time,” she whispered.

“We won’t waste anymore time,” he replied earnestly in agreement, clearing knowing exactly what she was referring to.

Cassian suddenly got down on both of knees on the snowy ground before her and pushed the flaps of her jacket to her sides as he leaned his head forward to place a kiss on the fabric of her nightgown that covered her stomach. “Take care of your mother, little one,” he murmured.

Nesta rested her hands on the sides of his head as he remained kneeled on the ground and placed another kiss to her stomach.

Turning his head up to face her, he gave her _the look_ before jumping to his feet, taking her face in his hands and kissing her deeply. He slowly pulled away, tugging on her bottom lip with his teeth as he did so, which left her feeling breathless.

“I love you, Nes,” he said quietly. He ran his hands through her hair, and when they reached the ends, he stepped away from her with a sad look in his eyes. “I will do everything I can to come back to you. To both of you.”

She needed to get this over with. It was too painful.

“Goodbye, Cassian,” she breathed with one last long look at him to commit him to memory. Then she turned around to head back into the cabin, unable to bear watching him walk away. As she did so, she heard the crunch of the snow from Cassian’s boots as he strode away. 

When she was inside the cabin, she leaned back against the door and crumbled to the ground as she cried. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than the previous ones...but hopefully you didn't mind the content! :) It seemed like the best place to end this chapter to allow you to relish in this a bit because we somehow still have like 6 chapters of drama to go... ;)


	9. March - Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all relished in the events of the last chapter! 
> 
> (...and now I hope you're prepared for all that's about to go down in this one.)
> 
> (Please don't hate me.)

** _March - Part II_   
**

The taste of Cassian’s lips lingered on hers for the rest of the day. 

Kissing Cassian that morning had felt like a dream that occurred weeks ago, considering how the day just felt like it dragged on. Without Cassian, her day was simply...dull and uneventful. Plus, the fact that she now had to endure waiting the next seven days to find out if he survived certainly seemed to slow down time. 

Once her tears stopped rolling down her cheeks, she’d tried to distract herself by reading one of the romance novels from a collection that Cassian had amassed for her over the past few months. But whenever the two main characters kissed, she couldn’t help but recall the events of that morning, bringing her a bittersweet feeling.

Her kisses that morning had been her first since...since Cassian had given her that kiss on the battlefield. Throughout all her one-night stands, she’d never allowed any of them to kiss her on the lips and felt disgusted if they kissed another part of her body. Kissing had simply been too intimate of an act. Too personal. Too passionate. 

She was never looking for love back then. The sex was strictly an escape. Kissing elicited feelings...and she wanted to feel nothing. And yet, that desire to feel nothing ended up leaving her something...a someone. Nesta started rubbing her stomach.

A someone that left her feeling excited and scared and hopeful. 

But the pregnancy also brought her closer to a second someone too, who gave her those same feelings…

And loved her.

She didn’t understand why Cassian loved her, but she knew she felt _something_ for him. 

Part of her wished she could still feel nothing right now. The next several days would be so much easier on her nerves if she didn’t care for Cassian. 

Was that a sign that she loved him back? Without having witnessed prime examples of true and loving relationships, Nesta wasn’t exactly sure what love was and what it was supposed to feel like. 

Well, there was Rhys and Feyre...but to Nesta, they were disgustingly, over-the-top in love. Plus, their mating bond must’ve played a part in their abnormal relationship, so she wasn’t entirely convinced they even counted as a true relationship where they freely chose each other. 

She tossed and turned within her bed, finding it difficult to fall asleep with her as she worried about Cassian’s safety and wondered whether she loved him back. She hoped she wasn’t disturbing Emerie, who slept beside her in the large bed, but she appeared to be sleeping like a rock. Just as Cassian had told her, she’d arrived at the cabin that afternoon to keep her company during the week. 

Over the past few months, Emerie had become...an acquaintance? Maybe even a friend? She never stopped coming over for an occasional meal after meeting her, even joining her for a walk through the camp occasionally. Nesta was surprised she never scared her away. 

When she first learned Nesta was pregnant by someone who wasn’t Cassian, Emerie never asked her about it. For her, it didn’t seem to matter and Nesta never had to dredge up her stories of the past and how she acted after the war. For that, she was thankful. Here was someone who never knew of her failings with her family and the ways she dealt with the war. A clean slate.

And of course she was grateful that Cassian asked her to stay with her during the week so she didn’t have to feel alone. When she had told Cassian to participate in the Blood Rite, she hadn’t even considered the fact that she would have been alone for the week. 

Once again, he knew what she would need before she even realized it herself. 

Annoyed over her inability to sleep, Nesta untangled herself from her blankets and got up out of the bed. After grabbing her lamp and lighting it, she headed toward the kitchen, thinking some tea or a snack could help her. 

But as she went down the corridor and past the living room, she found herself at the bottom of the staircase. 

Perhaps, the spot where she last slept the most peaceful sleep would be the best place for her to go. Without a second thought, she made her way up the stairs. 

When she reached the top, she went into Cassian’s room and set down the lamp on the end table before plopping down in his bed. As she cuddled herself in the covers, she inhaled Cassian’s scent.

She should have slept beside him for the past week instead of trying to detach herself from him. She would’ve been able to feel his secure arms around her and sleep peacefully all week. 

Instead, she wasted time. But there was no use in dwelling on that now. 

Burying her head in Cassian’s pillow, she took one more strong whiff of his scent before closing her eyes and quickly falling asleep. 

 

* * *

 

In her light sleep, she thought she’d heard a creaking noise, similar to the sounds her and Cassian would make when walking across some of the wooden floorboards of the cabin. Had Emerie woken up? Perhaps she was wondering where she went.

Sitting up in Cassian’s bed and lighting her lamp, she decided to go find out. 

As she walked out of Cassian’s room, her own feet were now causing the creaking noise when she stepped on a few of the floorboards. 

Turning her head back and forth to look down, she didn’t see anyone. She peeked into Cassian’s bathroom and then proceeded to walk over to the staircase. Standing on the top step, she looked out over the living room on the first floor but saw nothing. 

Right when she had begun to turn her body to head back to Cassian’s room, she felt hands press against her back and her shoulder and only noticed enormous black wings surrounding her. She dropped her lamp, sending it shattering to the ground.

Acting quickly, she pushed back against the unfamiliar Illyrian, forcefully pushing against his upper arms as she fought to take a step away from the stairs, groaning as she did so. But the Illyrian was fighting back, trying to shove her away. He was too strong for her...But she held on to him. 

“You whore,” the Illyrian managed to spit out. “Cassian’s child...will...never…”

And then she felt it - that mystical power she hadn’t felt in months stirred within her. Her hands began heating up and she heard the pumping of a heart slowing down. 

The Illyrian started gasping for air, but he still had his strength. He shoved himself against Nesta, sending Nesta falling on her back onto the staircase with the Illyrian on top of her. Their bodies slid bumpily and rapidly down the staircase. 

For Nesta, everything went black. 

 

* * *

 

In the dark of the night, Cassian glanced up at the looming monolith before him. 

The Blood Rite had begun as it normally would, with Cassian being dropped off in the forest of snow-covered spruce and pine trees that surrounded the monolith. No one else was in sight when he was left there, which surprised him. He half expected to be dropped off in the middle of an angry, bloodthirsty Illyrian mob. 

At least they were giving him a fair chance to actually survive this thing. 

He’d spent the first day weaving through all the trees, already missing the ability to fly. He could feel his wings itching to be spread apart for him to take flight instead of being pinned behind his back. But he remained focused on his task, pausing to snap off a couple of tree branches to potentially use as a weapon for when he did encounter the other Illyrians. But with each crackling snap, he was careful to scan his surroundings and immediately bolted away from the spot where he retrieved it.

He was determined to reach the monolith as soon as he could. Climbing up the stone monolith was the hardest part. Doing so, however, would expose his location. But there was no other way. He only had to hope he could defend himself against those who attacked him. 

He wouldn’t have his brothers with him to watch his back this time, unfortunately. 

In that first Blood Rite, there were moments where he just wanted to give up and let the other competitors murder him or succumb to his hunger and dehydration and die. But Az and Rhys were the ones who gave him the strength to keep going. They were in the Rite together and were determined to complete the Rite together to prove their worth.

But now...now he had a new reason and a new hope to keep going. 

The hope of a life with Nesta and her child. 

When she followed after him and kissed him, he was elated. _She_ had come to him, and despite wanting to kiss her for months, it was her who initiated it. _Finally,_ he knew that what he felt between them wasn’t just one-sided. 

The touch of her lips and her hands still haunted him, leaving him with a deep longing to be locked in her embrace. And the feel of her baby kicking left him with a unique sensation that he desired to feel again and again. 

Perhaps, it was the feeling that he was needed by someone and had a sense of belonging to someone. _Someones._ As part of a family. 

_A family…_

Of course, he had always considered Rhys and Az to be his family who bonded together over their experiences of being raised as outcasts in the Illyrian camps. And he had Mor, too, and Amren...sometimes. 

But this possibly new family was different…it had the potential to be something deeper, something extraordinary. 

Perhaps, he was getting ahead of himself, not truly knowing how Nesta felt. But she did feel something for him. And, despite having been alive for over 500 years, what he felt for her was unlike anything he had felt before.

He’d never been in a relationship for longer than a few months. None of his lovers understood him. They didn’t know what it was like to be abandoned, to be pushed aside, and forgotten about. To be excluded. To still be suffering long after the wars had ended. 

Nesta did. 

Long before he knew she understood those things, he had been enamored with her fierce attitude, her strength, and her boldness. 

He would be honored to help her raise a child with her, if she wanted him to. 

_“We need you,”_ she had said to him early that morning, which seemed like a good indication. 

But if he has any intention of being a part of that family, he first had to survive this. 

Crouching low to the ground with his sticks in his hands, he weaved through the trees, careful not to move too quickly so his footsteps wouldn’t be heard as they plowed through the snow. It may have been early spring, but the snow had hardly even begun to melt yet. 

When he reached the edge of the forest, he took a deep breath. There was a long distance of open space that separated him from the monolith. Glancing around, he noticed no one in the darkness. 

Still crouched down, he stepped into the open space and moved at a slow and steady pace as he made his way to the monolith. 

He had been halfway across when he suddenly heard a shout. 

“Over there!” a loud voice cried out. 

No longer hidden, Cassian stood up and began bolting to the monolith as he heard many footsteps follow him. 

When he’d reached the base of the monolith, he’d shoved the sticks into his belt and gripped onto the jagged rock formations as he began to climb. 

He wasn’t sure how many Illyrians were following him, but he could tell there were at least a few based on their shouts and groans from the ground. 

Right as he was lifting his left leg to take another step up Ramiel, a sharp pain burst across his back, causing him to lose his footing and his grip 

Cassian cried out in pain as he slid down the monolith, landing on his back with a thud at its base.

 

* * *

 

Every part of her ached. 

The surging pain throughout her body caused Nesta’s eyes to flutter open. 

She found herself on her back at the bottom of the staircase at Cassian’s cabin. As she stared at them, the memories of what had occurred came flooding back to her. Her pulse quickening, she turned her head, but it was too rapid of a motion for it sent a jolt of pain through her neck.

She’d found the Illyrian male who attacked her lying beside her on the ground, motionless. 

Then she moved her head to look at her stomach and instantly raised her hand to press against it. Blinking her eyes, she prayed to whatever gods were listening that her baby was okay.

Her baby _had_ to be okay. 

But Nesta knew she needed to get help. Needed to make sure her baby was okay after such a fall.

When she sluggishly attempted to sit up, she felt the pain in her back jolt through her, sending her instantly back to the floor. 

It felt as if her body was on fire, and moving was complete and utter torture. Taking shaky breaths, she closed her eyes and reminded herself to stay calm. 

She felt so weak. So, so weak like she was nearly paralyzed. 

But...her baby. She needed to help her baby. 

For her baby, she needed to find the strength. 

As she took more shaky breaths, her mind raced as she tried to figure out what she should do. What she could even do. 

“Emerie,” she hoarsely called out. “Emerie!”

She heard no response. Was she really able to sleep through her fall and her cries? 

What had Cassian told her? That there was magical parchment that could reach Rhys and Feyre? 

But it was on the kitchen table...

With every ounce of strength she could muster, she wormed her body along the ground, biting her lip to prevent herself from crying out in anguish. 

But she couldn’t prevent her cries for long. The pangs along her back were too excruciating that she couldn’t help but let screams erupt from her mouth as she tried to hold back tears. 

She tried to move faster as she slid on her back, wanting to urgently get hold of the parchment. 

_My baby. My baby. My baby.  
_

To keep her focus away from the torture, she instead envisioned what it would be like in the future, with her baby in her arms and Cassian at her side. 

Was such a vision only merely a dream that was never meant to come to pass?

Such a thought was even more tortuous than her current affliction. 

Her legs protested as she used them to advance herself further and further. As she managed to get her body into the kitchen, she yelped as her back slid over a bumpy part of the floor that separated that living room and the kitchen. 

Finally reaching the kitchen table after what felt like eternity, she took a deep breath as she prepared her next move. She was going to have to lift herself up off the floor, requiring even more strength. 

_My baby. My baby. My baby.  
_

In one last desperate plea, she cried out again for Emerie. “EMERIE!” she managed to bellow. 

At that, she could hear her bedroom door creak open and footsteps pound across the floor. Nesta couldn’t help but smile with relief when Emerie appeared in the kitchen and stood over her.

“Nesta! What’s happened?” 

“No time to explain,” she replied in a rush right as Emerie was kneeling down beside her. “Emerie, I need you to grab the parchment on the table and just write the word ‘help’ on it,” she ordered. 

Nesta once again felt thankful for Emerie’s lack of inquisitively as she immediately stood up and reached for the pen and the piece of parchment on the kitchen table. She scrawled on the parchment, then dropped the pen and watched the parchment disappear before turning back to Nesta, looking unsure of what to do next. 

Nesta took deep heavy breaths, fighting off the need to succumb to unconsciousness. “Don’t attempt to move me. We will wait.” 

Within minutes, Nesta saw the alarmed violet eyes of her brother-in-law appear before her. Then she closed her eyes and passed out. 

 

* * *

 

Feeling sunlight shining on her face, Nesta opened her eyes. 

She found herself in an unfamiliar comfy bed, covered in blankets. Her back slightly ached, but the pain was nothing compared to what she felt after she fell down the stairs. 

Gasping as her memories of that fall came back to her, she quickly brought her hand to her stomach and waited to feel her baby’s kicking. 

But she felt nothing. 

As she sat up in her bed, tears welled up in her eyes. If her baby didn’t survive…

The bedroom door swung open, revealing a female that Nesta recognized as Madja, the healer who often tended to the Inner Circle’s injuries. 

When she saw her, the vaguest memories of being briefly woken up by Madja every so often to take potions or sip some broth came back to her. But she had been so groggy, and the medicine always immediately sent her back to sleep. 

“How are you feeling?” Madja asked immediately.

“How is my baby?” Nesta instantly asked, her voice firm despite her tiredness. 

Madja sighed as she gave her a sad look. “I do not yet know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Nesta spat angrily.

“I have done all I can,” Madja replied solemnly. “I’ve given you all the potions to help you and the babe, but we won’t know for sure if the babe has survived until they kick. If you don’t feel the babe kick within the next week, then…” her voice trailed off.

Nesta couldn’t stop the few tears that fell from her eyes and streamed down her face. She knew what Madja was about to say, but that couldn’t happen. She refused to let it. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Nesta asked desperately. 

“Just rest, and continue taking the potions,” she advised as she lifted a vial that was in her hands. “I had come to give you your next dose.”

Nesta eagerly grabbed the vial from her hands, tilting her head back as she poured the vial’s contents into her mouth. Its taste was awful, but it didn’t matter. If it could help save her baby, she would do it.

She closed her eyes tightly, silently praying that this was all just a nightmare. 

But when she opened her eyes, she saw Madja before her, collecting the empty vial from her hands. 

This was all real. It was a living nightmare. She wished Cassian was with her to help her deal with it.

_Cassian._

How many days had she been unconscious? Was the Blood Rite over? Where was he? 

“I thought I heard -” a voice began to say but stopped abruptly. Nesta jerked her head to face the doorway. 

There stood Feyre with Elain close behind her. They stared back at her in silence. All of them seemingly not knowing what to say. It had been over five months since she’d last seen them and talked to them. For any other family, one would think there would be much to catch up on, but…

“Will you now answer my question of how are you feeling?” Madja asked gently. 

Nesta turned to look at her. “I only feel some minor aches in my back.”

“Good,” she answered. “I will be back in a few hours to give you the next dose.” 

Madja walked out of the bedroom, passing by Feyre and Elain, who had both inched further into the room, allowing Madja to close the door behind her. 

Feyre walked up to the side of the bed, then crossed her arms against her chest, while Elain gingerly sat at the foot of the bed. 

“So...you’re pregnant?” Feyre asked as she shook her head in disbelief with a hurt expression on her face.

“Well, apparently I now might no longer be pregnant, so I would really rather not talk about this right now, Feyre,” Nesta replied angrily, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. “How long have I been unconscious?”

Feyre sighed. “Two days. Madja kept giving you medicine to keep you knocked out to force you to rest and remain still.” 

“And is Cassian…” Nesta hesitantly began to ask, fearing the possibility that he could be gone. But surely Feyre would at least seem distraught if they had learned he’d died. 

“As far as we know, he’s still alive and competing in the Blood Rite,” Feyre started seriously. “There’s still a few days left.”

“Is he...the father?” Elain asked quietly and innocently. 

“I’ve never slept with him,” Nesta barked. “I do not know who the father is,” she added quietly as she closed her eyes and wondered if Cassian was suffering as much as she was right now. 

Surely not, because what could be worse than the pain of possibly losing a child? But she wished he were here because he would be the closest to understanding…he had seemed like he wanted to treat the child as his own…

“Will you at least tell us what happened to cause you to fall?” Feyre wondered.

The incident felt like it only happened a few minutes ago. She supposed she could at least give her sister that information in return for her husband getting her out of the Illyrian Mountains.

“I was sleeping, then heard some footsteps and assumed it was Emerie,” she paused, waiting to see if Feyre knew who Emerie was, but she gave no confused look and so Nesta assumed she did know her. “When I stepped outside the room, an Illyrian appeared and tried to push me down the stairs, but I grabbed hold of him, and we tumbled down together.”

She neglected to mention attacking him with the power in her hands. That could be saved for another day. 

“So, you were sleeping upstairs?” Feyre asked curiously. 

Of course Feyre would pick up on the fact she had slept in Cassian’s bed.

“Cassian had left for the Blood Rite, so his bed was not in use. It’s much comfier than mine,” Nesta answered seriously, acting as if it was all for practical reasons that she slept there. 

Feyre simply nodded. “Well, after Emerie sent her note and Rhys arrived, he winnowed you back here and Madja has been taking care of you since. The Illyrian who attacked you was already dead when Rhys went to you.”

Nesta started fidgeting with her blanket, looking down at her hands as she did so. He may have fallen down the stairs, but she knew her power must have played a part in his death, considering she survived. 

But he...this male who tried to take her child away from her - who may have succeeded - deserved to die.

Feyre and Elain didn’t say anything more. Perhaps they were waiting to see if Nesta would offer up an explanation for keeping her pregnancy a secret. But she wasn’t ready to do that. Not when it may no longer matter. 

Abruptly, Feyre gasped, causing both Elain and Nesta to turn their heads to look at her. 

“What is it?” Elain asked. 

Feyre let out a pained sigh. “Rhys has been dealing with that Illyrian’s camp, and I can feel his pain through the bond. I...need to check on him,” she stated before leaving the room. 

Even though Nesta would have wanted her own revenge, at least Rhysand was helping to get it for her while she was unable. It was the first time she ever felt thankful for something he did. 

Elain then bid Nesta goodbye, telling her that she should rest, and she didn’t want to disturb her.

Once she left, Nesta let the tears pour out of her eyes as she mourned the potential loss of her baby, the fact that no one was there to share her grief, and that the longing to escape the pain - that desire that was so similar to the one she had following the war - had returned. 

* * *

 

As he climbed and climbed over the course of the following days - never resting, never eating, never drinking, never relenting - he thought of Nesta and the baby.

For them, he fought tirelessly. While he did not have his brothers with him to push him to continue, he had the dream of being at Nesta’s side with her baby in their arms that kept him going through the Rite. 

When he had fallen down the side of the cliff, it was the desire to keep that dream alive that drove the sticks he held rapidly through the chests of his attackers. 

When he had resumed climbing up the monolith and his arms seemed to protest, he visualized what those arms could one day do. In two months, they could embrace Nesta as she holds her baby for the first time. He could even hold Nesta’s baby himself, rock a cradle back and forth to help the baby go to sleep, and swaddle the baby. He could lift spoonfuls of food and place them within the baby’s mouth. He could hold the child’s hand and stare in wonder at the tiny hand within his huge palm. If the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, he could be the one to provide the baby with a bottle of milk. If the baby cried, he could be the one to pick up the baby within his arms and soothe them back to sleep. 

And then of course there were the little things he could continue to do with his hands too, such as run his fingers through Nesta’s hair, carry her as he flew high above mountains and cities, intertwine his fingers with hers whenever he longed for her touch, and bring her face closer to his so he could kiss her senseless. 

Such contemplation pushed him to climb faster. 

Whenever his body growled with hunger, he thought of Nesta’s lips and how they tasted on his mouth. He focused his hunger on the desire to taste her again. If he survived this, he’d be able to kiss her once more - and many, many times more - and such a prize was enough to encourage him to keep going. 

In the moments where his body felt weak - so tremendously weak - and demanded more sleep and rest, he chose to think of the instance nearly two weeks ago when Nesta slept beside him to keep away his nightmares. He’d been able to wrap his arms around her and feel her pressed against his body, which offered him such comfort. It had been a long time since he had last slept so soundly. The longing to sleep beside her further motivated him. 

After intense moments when he encountered more Illyrians with bloodthirsty eyes and fought them off, he would recall the ways he had hurt Nesta, which wounded him deeply. The bruises, the scratches, the cuts and the injuries he’d suffered at the Illyrians’ hands were nothing compared to the pain he felt when he had hurt Nesta. And yet, she somehow still found him worthy and cared for him. If he could survive that pain, he knew he’d be able to survive this.

The Illyrians had tried to deter him and kill him and nearly had succeeded, but their drive could not surpass Cassian’s determination to return to Nesta and her baby. 

And when he’d reached the top of the monolith on the final night of the Rite, he was surrounded by more of them. They called him names, called him unworthy, called him weak, and called him a traitor to their race for letting so many of their men perish in the war. 

Cassian tuned them out, instead recalling the words Nesta had said to him before they parted:

_“Come back to this. Come back to us.”  
_

_“When you return...I don’t want to waste anymore time.”_

With those words, he found the last ounce of strength to charge at the Illyrians, punching them until they were knocked out and retrieving one of their wooden stakes in the process to use as his own weapon. 

Falling to his knees out of exhaustion and lack of strength, he looked in the direction where he remembered touching the black stone that ended the Rite centuries ago.

Of course it was still in the same spot, glimmering in the darkness without a single snowflake upon it due to its mystical power shielding it. 

He was so terribly close. He just needed to...move. 

His eyes were threatening to shut, and his body ached, but he urged his body to stand again so it wouldn’t have to crawl through the cold snow. 

Standing on his feet, he felt unsteady after having spent the last few days climbing up an incline.

But he needed to go on. 

He needed to go home to Nesta and the baby.

Fighting the delirium that was threatening to set in, he clumsily stepped forward. The cold wind swirled around him, nearly pushing him back, but he pressed on through the darkness. 

Slowly, he got closer and closer to the shining stone, but in his eagerness and tiredness, he slipped, sending him falling to the ground on his stomach.

He screamed loudly when he felt a sharp object strike through the back of his leg. With pain and fury in his eyes, he turned to find one of the Illyrians he’d knocked to the ground a short while ago on the ground at his feet. 

He grinned at him as Cassian fought back tears of pain and forced his body to sit up as he grabbed hold of the stake within his leg to pull it out and quickly drive it into the Illyrian’s face instead as he cried out. 

Blood gushed out of Cassian’s leg, spilling out onto the snow. It was now too painful for him to try to stand on it now. He had no choice but to crawl. 

It felt like years had passed as he slowly crawled, making sure his body didn’t keel over. But soon, he was within arm’s length of the stone. 

As he breathed heavily, he stuck out his hand to touch the stone, but it was a disappointment to discover that his hand was _just_ out of reach. 

As he was bringing his hand back to the ground to help pull himself forward just a bit more, he saw stake suddenly before him, sticking down into his hand.

He cried out in pain again as he noticed another Illyrian before him. His delirium clearly dulled his senses and alertness, leaving him unable to detect anyone around him. 

The Illyrian then reached his hands down around Cassian’s neck.

But Cassian managed to move faster, ripping the stake out of his hand and stabbing it into the chest of the Illyrian as he tried to suffocate him. 

Everything else during the Rite may have been for Nesta and her baby. But that final thrust...that was for his mother and for the future of the Illyrians he longed to achieve for her sake. 

Once the Illyrian’s hands loosened their grip, he pushed himself forward and touched the stone.

And everything around him instantly faded away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeeeep! Lots to digest in the chapter, which means lots to look forward to in the next chapter (such as Cassian's reaction to finding Nesta gone, more talks between the Archeron sisters, and the fate of the baby!)
> 
> Just a heads up that I'm not as far ahead in my draft of the rest of this fic as I'd like to be. I'm pretty sure I'll still be able to post the next chapter in 2 weeks, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep to my post-every-2-weeks schedule for the remaining updates (but that's definitely still the goal! Just pray that I can find the time to write and to write quickly ;) )
> 
> Thank you as always for all the love/kudos/reviews/subscriptions/bookmarks! <3
> 
> Go ahead and leave a comment to yell at me for this chapter's events! ;)


	10. March - Part III

_** March - Part III ** _

_“Go,” Cassian groaned. “Save yourself and the baby and go!”_

_Kneeled before him, she stared at him with his broken wings and leg and trails of blood smeared all over his body. Her own fingers were covered in his blood after trying to plead with him to get up. Her mouth was covered in her own blood from where the king of Hybern had hit her.  
_

_She couldn’t stop the tears from falling as she stared at Cassian and shook her head. “I can’t,” she sobbed.  
_

_“Think of the baby,” Cassian begged her, and Nesta brought her hand to her protruding stomach, where the baby was actively kicking. Crying, she slowly nodded in agreement before standing up. She had to get away before the king of Hybern returned.  
_

_They were on the top of a muddy hill. The ground was slippery, but Nesta was able to start her descent to get to a safe spot.  
_

_But as she was making her way down the hill, she realized she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t leave Cassian to die alone. She had to go back to him.  
_

_She turned to go back up the hill. But just when she was about to reach the top, she slipped and fell hard on her pregnant stomach,  sliding down the hill.  
_

_“No, no, no, no,” Nesta cried once her body came to a stop.  
_

_The baby’s kicking had ceased. She knew...she just knew the baby had passed. She could sense it. It was too hard of a fall. Tears streamed down her face.  
_

_But there was no time to mourn because there was still a chance - a very small chance - that she could at least save Cassian. She couldn’t lose both the baby and him…_

_Dying with him would be better than living without them both anyway.  
_

_Desperately, she went back up the hill, more carefully this time. But when she reached the top, she spotted the king of Hybern. Their eyes locked, then he raised his hand and a shot of power blasted out, hitting her in the leg and causing her to drop to the ground.  
_

_The jolt of pain in her leg...it felt so real…_

_Laying on her front, she turned toward Cassian who was still alive but taking labored breaths. His eyes were on her as he mouthed, “I love you.”  
_

_She crawled toward him, and once she was beside him, she reached for him.  
_

_But just before she could touch him, another jolt of power shot out of the king of Hybern’s hand, striking Nesta’s hand, followed by a killing blow to Cassian.  
_

Nesta gasped as she opened her eyes and sat up in her bed. She looked down at her hand, which currently felt like it was burning with pain as she grasped her comforter.

But the pain only lasted for a moment. She let go of the blanket and held up her hand at eye-level, flexing it. Were her powers acting up again? Or was it all just her imagination? She knew she just had a nightmare, a distorted version of her encounter with the king of Hybern.

The pain just felt so real. Even in the dream, when the king of Hybern struck her leg, it felt real. Pulling back the covers, she looked down at her leg.

It looked perfectly normal.

Perhaps being without Cassian during this stressful time was driving her mad. She knew that was why the nightmares were triggered again. With him in the Rite, the thought of potentially losing him again had made her think of the day she almost lost him to the king of Hybern.

But now those dreams had evolved into something slightly different. Nesta placed her hand against her stomach, hoping to feel a kick.

But she didn’t.

Leaning back against the headboard, a few tears slipped out as she closed her eyes.

“Come back to me, Cassian,” she whispered into the night. “I won’t be able to survive this loss without you.” 

 

* * *

 

Cassian’s body materialized in front of his cabin. Face down in the snowy ground, he gingerly lifted up his head to look at the door all while fighting to keep his eyes open.

As he blinked multiple times, he noticed a shadowy figure stepping outside of his home, rushing to approach him.

“Brother,” the figure called out.

_Could it be...Azriel?_ Cassian’s mind was slow to process everything. He didn’t even feel like he was truly back at Windhaven.

_Azriel. It was Azriel.  
_

_But if...Azriel...was here...then, where was…_

“Where,” Cassian paused to take another breath. “...is she?” he demanded to know.

_If Azriel was here and saw Nesta, then that would mean...he would know about..._

“Let’s get you inside, brother,” Azriel stated as he bent down to help lift Cassian up. It was then that Cassian heard Azriel take a sharp intake of breath. He must’ve noticed his injuries.

Slowly, Cassian pushed himself up off the ground and leaned on the uninjured leg while the injured one continued to bleed. His hand was dripping blood onto the snow. Pain throbbed through his leg and his hand and then there was this ache in his chest…

No, it hadn’t been a chest injury, he realized. It was a combination of an ache and an emptiness that signified…he wasn’t near his mate.

“WHERE IS SHE?” Cassian barked as Azriel wrapped his non-bleeding arm around his shoulders to assist him in his walk to the cabin.

“She’s in Velaris,” Azriel stately calmly as he nudged Cassian forward.

“V-Velaris?” Cassian sputtered. “What is she doing there? Why isn’t she here?”

Cassian couldn’t think nor process what he was hearing. Why would she leave him to go back to the place she didn’t care about?

Azriel heaved a sigh as they stepped up the platform together and walked past the threshold to his home, and that was when Cassian knew something was wrong.

“Azriel, _tell me_ ,” Cassian insisted.

“Cassian, we need to tend to your wounds first.”

“ _TELL ME.”  
_

“She was attacked,” Emerie said solemnly as she appeared in the entryway. “I failed to protect her.”

Cassian may have been on the edge of exhaustion but his mind nearly exploded with anger and questions that were severely in need of answers.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE WAS ATTACKED? BY WHO? IS SHE ALL RIGHT?”

“She’s okay,” Azriel replied calmly.

“I’ll give you all the details after we’ve taken care of you first,” Emerie said while following Azriel and Cassian to the couch.

But Cassian was in no mood to be sitting down right now. He roughly gripped onto Azriel’s shoulder, preventing him from leaving his side until he got answers.

Because if Nesta was attacked, then…

Cassian’s heart skipped a beat. “Is the...is her…” he stumbled over his words as he looked at Emerie. Emerie of course knew about the baby. Surely ,Azriel must’ve known about it too now.

Emerie turned her gaze toward Azriel, looking for him to answer.

“They don’t know if the baby is still alive,” Azriel whispered before firmly removing Cassian’s hand from his shoulder and gently pushing Cassian to sit on the couch. Emerie picked up the glass of water that rested on the table in the middle of the room and held it out to Cassian.

But Cassian’s body stilled and sat in stunned silence. It felt as if his heart had shattered into a million little pieces. They didn’t know if the baby still lived? But the baby had to live. It _had to.  
_

If he hadn’t been so dehydrated, he surely would have felt tears form in his eyes. And if he was this shaken by the news, then Nesta…

_Nesta.  
_

There would always be time for revenge on whoever did this to her. But Nesta...he needed to get to her before she lost herself again. Before she drowned again and refused to let anyone help her again.

“I need to go to her. Right now,” Cassian announced as he looked back up at Azriel, disregarding the glass Emerie was holding.

“Rhys will be here soon to winnow you. But first, we need to take care of you, or else you won’t even be alive to see her.” There was a slight edge to Azriel’s voice now. He clearly was getting frustrated with him.

Emerie, who now had bandages in her hands, was approaching him to start wrapping his injuries.

But Cassian didn’t care about that right now. He needed to get to Nesta.

“But she needs me now!”

“And you need to rest!” Azriel exclaimed.

“You don’t understand! She -” Cassian had begun, but Azriel now held the glass of water and suddenly shoved it into his face, holding the back of Cassian’s head as he did so in order to force him to drink it.

Cassian nearly gagged as he was left with no choice but to chug the water...which had a slightly odd taste to it…

Within seconds, his eyes shut closed and he lost consciousness. 

* * *

 

“You’ll need to eat something and drink some water before I give you another dose,” he heard a familiar female voice say.

Slowly, Cassian opened up his eyes, squinting his eyes at the sunlight that shone through the bedroom.

A bedroom that wasn’t his, he realized. As he scanned the room, it appeared to be one of the bedrooms at Rhys and Feyre’s home.

Velaris. He was in Velaris then. That realization pushed him to sit up in bed immediately. Madja stood at the side of his bed, holding a tray with soup and water.

How long had he been asleep? His eyes still demanded to be shut, so he must’ve not gotten a whole lot of sleep.

“Where is Nesta?” he asked with a rough edge to his voice.

“I don’t know,” she answered firmly. “But I do know that you need to eat this soup, drink this water, take another dose of medicine for your pain and dehydration and go back to sleep.”

Cassian yanked the blanket off of his body and swung his legs to the side of the bed, preparing to stand up. As he did so, he noticed that his hand and his leg had both been wrapped in bandages. “I need to see Nesta,” he muttered.

“You’ve only had a few hours of sleep! You need to stay here to eat and rest,” Madja ordered.

Ignoring her and the aches he still felt in his body, Cassian stood and clumsily crossed the room. He didn’t move as swiftly as he would’ve liked, but he wasn’t capable. Groaning to himself as he left the room, he reached the bannister of the staircase and held onto it as he descended the staircase. “Nesta!” he cried out. “Nesta!”

But he heard nothing in response.

When he’d reached the bottom of the staircase, he didn’t know where to turn. His current headache from his exhaustion certainly didn’t help.

Then, Feyre appeared, walking in from the nearby kitchen. “Cassian?” she asked in surprise.

“Where is Nesta?” he demanded to know, desperate to find her.

There may have been much to talk about with Feyre. But right now, that didn’t matter. If Nesta was suffering, then he just prayed he wasn’t too late. He would not let her enter her downward spiral again. Never again.

“You need to -” Feyre began.

“I _need_ to find Nesta!” he barked, feeling sick and tired of everyone trying to deter him from what he needed to do.

“She’s in the garden,” Feyre whispered. “But she keeps insisting she doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone. Saying she needs time to herself,” Feyre stated worriedly.

He prayed again that he wasn’t too late.

“I’ll talk to her,” Cassian said as he pushed past Feyre, heading straight for the door that led to the backyard.

Evidently, there had been many changes to Rhys and Feyre’s garden since he last went into their backyard. It now looked like a jungle out there, with various trees, shrubs, and foliage covering the expansive yard. No doubt it was courtesy of Elain.

But Cassian couldn’t help but let out a sigh of frustration over the fact that this was yet another obstacle to finding Nesta quickly. Seeing a pathway through the garden, he decided to follow it and continued to disregard the discomfort he felt with his injuries.

Unsteadily, he made his way along the path, stepping on the flat, circular stones until they led to an open green area that had been lined with flowers that were just beginning to bloom.

Then he saw her.

Her back was toward him and the sunlight illuminated her golden brown hair as she sat on a blanket on the grass.

“Nesta,” he breathed. Her back seemed to stiffen at the mention of her name, but she didn’t turn around.

Rushing as quickly as he could, Cassian ended up behind her and collapsed to the ground on his knees. “Nesta,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her so his hands were wound tightly against her chest above her stomach.

At first, she did not react. She only sat there and didn’t move any part of her body at all.

_No, I can’t be too late. I can’t be._

But then, in a movement that left him breathless, she relaxed in his arms and turned her head to the side to look up at him. “Cassian?” she said quietly in disbelief.

Her eyes were red from crying, and the dark circles beneath her eyes revealed how little sleep she had been getting lately.

“I’m here, sweetheart. I’m here,” he said as he bent his head to place a kiss on her temple.

“Cassian,” she repeated, this time out of relief. She twisted her body so she could wrap her arms around him and bury her face into his chest.

He couldn’t help but let out a grunt of pain as she did so, considering how sore he felt. Based upon hearing her gasp, she must have noticed and so she had begun to pull away.

But Cassian was quick to hug her to him. “Don’t you dare let go,” he requested softly as he placed a kiss to the top of her head.

“But you’re hurt,” she protested.

“And I need you to heal me,” he explained with a small smile, but Nesta still seemed hesitant to grab hold of him again. “If we lie down, it won’t hurt as much,” he suggested.

Nesta immediately shifted herself so Cassian could readjust his position to lay down across the length of the blanket. Nesta followed suit, laying her head on top of his chest and draping her hand across his abdomen. “Is this okay?” she asked.

“Perfect,” he remarked as he began running his fingers through her hair, toying with her braid in the hopes of untangling it. Lying beside her had brought him such ease and reminded him of all the times he laid beside her before.

Before she was attacked.

“Tell me what happened,” he asked rather gruffly, unable to keep the anger out of his voice.

He felt her tears leak out of her eyes and onto his chest before she replied. “The first night after you left, I was sleeping in your bed.”

Cassian’s eyes lit up in surprise at her statement, but he couldn’t playfully tease her for saying such a thing as he normally would have. Not now. Not when they were just about to discuss her attack.

“And I heard a noise. I thought it was Emerie, so I left the room. But it was an Illyrian I didn’t recognize. He called me a whore and said something like ‘Cassian’s child will never…’ and then that...power came out of my hands again which slowed his breathing, but he sent us both falling down the staircase.”

Cassian’s hand paused in stroking her hair. “They wanted to kill your child only because they thought it was mine,” he realized solemnly. “I should have never said…”

“No matter what you said, they would have assumed you were the father since I lived with you,” Nesta interrupted him. “And of course, I happened to be sleeping in your bed that night,” she added bitterly. “If only I hadn’t gone up there…” she trailed off.

“What happened next?” he asked sadly.

“I was knocked out from the fall. When I woke up, Emerie helped write a note to Rhys. He came immediately and brought me here,” she explained. “Cassian, Madja doesn’t...she doesn’t know if the baby is still alive. She said if I don’t feel her kick in the next few days, then we can assume…”

Cassian felt another burst of tears drip onto his chest. She didn’t finish her sentence, but she didn’t need to. He understood what she was trying to say.

If he weren’t still dehydrated, he knew he would have cried with her. “And what about you? Are you hurt physically?”

“My back was badly injured, but the medicine has taken care of that. Then, there’s just been some slight aches and pains in the past few days.”

The back injury...that was what he must have felt through the bond when he fell down the monolith…

“Whichever camp did this to you...will pay for this,” he stated angrily. “But it is also my fault,” he added woefully as he started rubbing her shoulder and upper arm.. “I’m sorry I failed to protect you again. I wasn’t there for you.”

“I’m the one who told you to do the Rite.”

“And I listened.”

“This isn’t your fault,” she insisted.

“I should have never let Feyre force you to come to the mountains with me,” he muttered.

“And then you would have never loved me,” she noted bitterly.

Cassian was almost angry that she made such an assumption and that was the conclusion she drew from him making such a remark. “Sweetheart, look at me,” he requested.

Nesta lifted her head up off of his chest to look back at him. Her cheeks were stained with tears.

Placing his palm against her cheek, he stared into her eyes. “It is because I love you that I wish you would have never felt this pain. I do not regret loving you at all. If you hadn’t come to the Illyrian Mountains, I would have fallen in love with you some other way. I know it.”

He started rubbing his thumb on her cheek, wiping away the stray tears that fell.  “I’m so thankful you’re still alive,” he added in a whisper.

When he first found her in the garden, he hadn’t noticed how at peace he felt through the bond. He also hadn’t observed until now the slight edge he felt in regards to scenting the child within her. If he could still pick up the father’s scent from the baby, then surely that meant the baby still lived?

But how was he supposed to tell her that without revealing the mating bond? He so badly wanted to eliminate her worries. But he didn’t want to get her hopes up if he ended up being wrong about this either...

Nesta laid her chin down on Cassian’s chest and still looked at him. “I’m so glad you’re here and alive,” she revealed softly. She reached her hand out to run her fingers across his face, probably noticing all the scrapes and bruises on him. “What happened during the Rite?”

“It’s not important,” he remarked tiredly, brushing it off. Compared to what happened to Nesta and what may have happened to the baby, he didn’t feel the need to go into it. 

“ _Tell me,”_ she ordered.

“It was a lot of climbing, a lot of fighting, and a lot of almost dying from lack of food and drink,” he explained before a yawn escaped his mouth.

Nesta frowned. “You should be sleeping.”

“I need to be with you,” he insisted, right before his body growled with hunger.

“And you should be eating,” Nesta added.

But Cassian didn’t care, so he placed both of his hands within her hair. He finished untangling her braid and ran his fingers through the strands.

Nesta sighed. “You need to eat and rest so I don’t lose you too,” she said seriously, and fresh tears welled up in her eyes.

“You won’t lose me.”

“Cassian, _please_ go eat and sleep.”

“Only if you come with me.”

“Fine,” she said, as she moved herself to get up off the ground.

“Wait,” Cassian halted her, moving to get up himself. Once he stood, he bent over to hold out his hands, ignoring the way his body protested such movement. Nesta grabbed them as she slowly got up off the ground.

As he steadied her, Nesta gave him a peculiar look as she looked at his bandage wrappings on his hand, then saw her eyes drift down to his leg.  

One she was upright, Cassian let go of her hands to pick up her blanket and started folding it.

“How did they hurt your leg and your hand?” she asked.

“One Illyrian staked my leg with a wooden stick when I had reached the top of the monolith,” he explained. “Then, when I was about to touch the stone to complete the Rite, another Illyrian staked my hand.”

“When did this happen?”

Cassian struggled to think through his exhaustion as he finished folding the blanket into a small rectangle. “The last night of the Rite...so last night?” he guessed as he looked back over at Nesta, who was staring at the palm of her hand.

“Last night, I woke up during the night because I was in pain,” she began seriously. “I had felt the pain in my leg first, and then my hand.” She looked back up at him with a very solemn look upon her face. “Cassian, are we... mates?”

Cassian froze and felt the color drain from his face. “We’re…” he began but didn’t finish.

“Are we or aren’t we?” she demanded impatiently.

“Yes,” he answered quietly. “We are.”

Her mouth dropped open in shock. At first it looked like no words could come out of her. She kept staring at him, and he could see the rage ignite in her eyes.

“How long have you known?” she asked coldly when she was able to find the words.

“Since the baby first kicked,” he answered with a deep breath.

Now she looked livid. “That was nearly _two months ago!_ Were you ever planning to tell me?”

“I just...I wanted to wait and...and,” he sputtered. “And see if you loved me first so you wouldn’t feel forced into this!”

Nesta shook her head back and forth. “None of this was real,” she said in disbelief. “This whole time, I was thinking I - ”

“This is _real_!” Cassian piped in, dropping the blanket and placing his arms on her shoulders. “The bond doesn’t mean anything!”

“ _Yes, it does_!” she shouted back. “This means I’ve had no control or choice in this.”

“Being mates has no control over how we feel about each other!” he said as moved his hands to her cheeks. “Nesta, _I love you_ ,” he declared desperately, imploring her to believe him.

Nesta shook her head back and forth as the tears streamed down her face. “Don’t touch me!” she exclaimed and Cassian reluctantly removed his hands out of respect to her wishes. “Now, get out of my sight!” she yelled as she crossed her arms. “I never want to see you again!”

“Nesta, _please_ ,” he begged.

“Get. Out,” she stated in a deadly calm voice.

At a loss for words, he began to turn around to follow the path out of the garden. Right before he vanished from her view, he turned back. “I honestly love you, Nesta. And whatever your feelings are, they are real,” he stated before turning back around and continuing his way out of the garden.

“Right now, I feel like murdering you!” she shouted at his back.

Cassian cringed at her words, hating himself for how everything spiraled out of control.

He wasn’t sure what to do. But for now, he would demand Madja knock him unconscious so he could at least escape this heartbreak for a little while.

* * *

 

When she had first heard Cassian calling her name in the garden, she had thought her mind was playing tricks on her.

Even though she had been told that Cassian had arrived at Rhys and Feyre’s home early that morning, he’d been unconscious and was being treated for his injuries and dehydration. She couldn’t celebrate his return just yet.

But then when he had come up behind her and wrapped his arms around as he said her name, it had finally felt real that he was there, and her heart had never felt such a joy before.

But it was all a lie.

Everything she had felt within her heart toward Cassian...everything he claimed to feel for her...they were all lies. It was only a product of some silly, animalistic instinct that brought them together.

She had no choice in the matter.

Just like everything else in this new life of hers. Whatever made her think that she could even have a choice in something? She was such a fool.

_“If you hadn’t come to the Illyrian Mountains, I would have fallen in love with you some other way. I know it.”_

Well, of course he knew it because he knew that they were mates.

And he chose to keep this information from her. After all they had shared with each other during their time in the mountains, he chose to keep this a secret from her.   

When she fully noticed Cassian’s injuries, memories of her nightmare and the pain she felt last night came back to her and it all clicked. She had been familiar with how Feyre and Rhys felt each other’s pain.

At least the bond explained how in the world Cassian could “love” someone like her. He had to be pulled to her and forced by instinct in order to do so. Otherwise, she was an unloveable monster. It all made much more sense now.

And for her...well now it made sense how she could love a foolish, pompous bastard like him.

And yet, why did it feel like she was being stabbed in the heart over and over again from this revelation of them being mates?

She wanted so badly to hate him, but found she couldn’t do so. Not when she thought of how he would prepare her meals, eat with her, shop for maternity clothes with her, seek her opinions, always think of her needs before she did, give her that infamous look that brought butterflies to her stomach…

But that was the mating bond’s doing, wasn’t it? You couldn’t hate your mate because the damn fae magic had put you together.

She wished she could scream, but she felt like she was being submerged in that tub of water again, being robbed of her life.

When she lived with Cassian and let go of her life of sleeping with random males and drowning herself in alcohol, she instead had been gradually growing accustomed to the idea of raising a child with Cassian’s help. In fact, she had been looking forward to such a life.

But now, it appeared that both the baby and Cassian were being taken from her, leaving her alone once more. 

She remained in the garden and cried, mourning the loss of that potential new life she almost had.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, as the sun was setting, she heard someone approach her in the garden from behind.

She clenched her fists, ready to fire at whoever dared to speak to her. If it was Cassian again, she was sure she would explode with fury.

“Nesta? You’re still out here?” Feyre asked curiously. 

At least it wasn’t Cassian, but the realization that it was her youngest sister made her sigh. Here would come more questions, more prodding.

“Obviously,” Nesta answered without turning to look back at her.

“Did you see Cassian? He had been looking for you earlier.”

“Unfortunately,” she replied glumly.

“Did something...happen?” Feyre seemed to hesitantly say.

Nesta wasn’t exactly sure what Feyre was implying with that question, but if she wasn’t going to specify, then a vague answer is what she would get.

“Just losing control of my life as usual,” she said emotionlessly. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

At that, Nesta finally turned her head to look at Feyre standing over her. “You of all people should know,” she began calmly. “You’re the one who became part of the fae realm, which led me to being a part of your war and being forced to become a fae with powers connected to the Cauldron. Then after the war, you sent me away to the Illyrian Mountains.”

“But you needed help,” Feyre tried to quietly explain as she bent down and sat beside Nesta. “I was trying to help you.”

Nesta shook her head and looked down at the blanket she was sitting on, absentmindedly playing with the fringe at the edge of it with her fingers. “I’m a problem you don’t want to deal with. You sent me away from you, giving me to Cassian handle.”

“Only because I felt I had already tried so hard to help. I had invited you to our home, to celebrations - ”

“Yes, to places where everyone was going about with their perfect, happy little lives while I was dying inside,” Nesta explained quietly, managing to hold back from raising her voice. “It made me feel _worse_. I felt so alone.” 

Nesta looked back up at Feyre to find tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t realize…”

“Feyre? Nesta? Are you ready for dinner?” Elain called out as she approached where the two of them were sitting. “Oh Nesta, you’re sitting right in front of the flowers I planted for you!”

Elain ran up to them and plopped down beside Nesta. She pointed to the stems which had not yet bloomed. “They haven’t bloomed yet, but they’ll be a fiery red...bold like you,” Elain added with a smile.

Nesta didn’t smile back. The day’s events and conversations had left her exhausted and upset.

Upon no reaction from Nesta, Elain pressed on. “Dinner is ready. Rhys and Azriel are waiting.”

Just as she had done the past few days, Nesta planned to eat alone in the bedroom she slept in. There was no way she was going to be able to sit at a dinner with all of them. They weren’t suffering like she was, with the potential loss of a baby and the loss of her free will...She wouldn’t be able to handle hearing about their happy lives.

“Perhaps…” Feyre reached out and grabbed Nesta’s hand. “Perhaps just the three of us could eat together?”

Feyre looked at Nesta expectantly. After the words they had just exchanged between each other, maybe Feyre realized how uncomfortable a group dinner for her would be.

Nesta wasn’t sure if she was ready for just a dinner with her sisters. While she had begun talking to Feyre about how she had felt, she didn’t know if she could talk much more. But she wouldn’t be able to handle light chatter either. Not with Cassian’s betrayal looming over her along with the anxiety of hoping her baby would kick soon.

“Maybe another time,” Nesta answered.

Feyre slowly nodded in understanding and released her hand.

But as soon as she let go, Nesta felt something strange.

There was a brief tap within her stomach. Was she imagining things?

But then, she felt a kick.

_A kick!_

Nesta gasped and brought her hands to her stomach. The baby was kicking, and Nesta couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face and the tears of joy that filled her eyes.

“The baby’s kicking!” she exclaimed as she brought Feyre’s and Elain’s hands to her stomach to feel it too.

Once they felt it, the two of them were beaming and giggling with Nesta over the sensation. “Oh Nesta, I’m so happy for you,” Feyre said, leaning against Nesta to wrap her free hand around her shoulder. Elain followed suit.

Tears continued to fall down Nesta’s face, unable to contain her joy.

“We’re going to be aunts, Feyre! Can you believe it?” Elain gushed. “And Nesta...you’re going to be a mother!"

She was still going to be a mother...and she was overjoyed by that revelation. 

 

* * *

 

After days that largely consisted of sleeping with only brief moments of waking up to eat  and take medicine to heal his body, Cassian woke up with the intention of actually spending the day being awake to get back to normal.

As well as make amends with Nesta.

His body felt so much better. When he swung his legs over the side of the bed, he no longer felt it protest. Now, he felt energized and ready to move about. Lifting up his hand, he unwrapped the bandages to discover there were no scars or scratches on it. Looking down at his thigh, he found no bandages wrapped around it. It looked as if it had never been injured.

Now, he only needed his relationship with Nesta to be healed. Perhaps she had simmered down a bit. Maybe now she would be in the mood to talk.

During his days of sleep, he often dreamed of her. Of simple moments of just being with her. Of her teasing him playfully. Of walking along the streets of Velaris together. Of them strolling along the bridge and looking up at the night sky. Of him teaching her how to fight and defend herself. Of him raising her child with her.

All the things he longed to do with her.

And he desperately hoped that her child was fine. In the brief moments he was awake the past few days, he stayed in his room and didn’t talk to anyone. Madja had always left him his food and medicine on the bedside table.

He left his room and just like a few days ago, he rushed down the stairs with the intent of finding Nesta.

He happened upon Elain first, who had been drinking some tea in the kitchen.

“Good morning, Cassian,” she said. “Are you feeling better?”

“I am,” he replied. “Do you know where Nesta is?”

“I think she’s in her room,” Elain answered. “It’s upstairs in the room next to mine.”

That meant it was in a different wing of the house from where he had been sleeping.

“I’ll go see if she’s awake,” Cassian explained before darting off in the direction of her room. If she stuck to her routine that she had while in the mountains, then she would most likely be awake already.

After eagerly climbing up the stairs, he went to the closed door that was beside the entry to Elain’s room. Taking a deep breath, he knocked upon the door. He debated calling out her name, but if he did...there was a chance she wouldn’t open it if she knew it was him.

Slowly, the door opened. Nesta appeared startled to see him and moved to close the door. But Cassian stuck his hand out to stop the door from shutting.

“Nesta, can we please talk?”

“Shouldn’t you be showering? Your stench is awful.”

Cassian sighed. “Nesta - ”

“I told you that I never want to see you again,” she interjected. “Now please leave before I get upset. I can’t risk hurting the baby.”

Cassian’s heart stopped. “Is the baby…?”

“The baby has been kicking the past few days,” she explained.

A wave of relief and delight came over him. “Oh, thank the gods!” Cassian exclaimed as he felt tears sting his eyes. Out of instinct, he moved as if he were going to embrace Nesta, but she quickly stepped back so she was out of his reach.

Reluctantly, Cassian brought his hands back to his sides. “I’m so glad,” he whispered.

Nesta just gave a nod in response, then proceeded to start closing the door again.

“Nesta,” he whispered. “Please know that I love you.”

“So you’ve said.”

“Please...just talk to your sisters about the bond,” he said. “Then maybe you’ll better understand.”

Nesta said nothing as she shut the door.

Cassian took a deep breath, then leaned his forehead against the door and pressed his palm against it. “Nesta...I just don’t want us to waste anymore time, like you said before.”

“Well, spending time with you may have been a waste of my time,” she noted snobbily.

Cassian heaved a heavy sigh before walking away.

How foolish of him to think Nesta may have calmed down after only a few days. 

* * *

 

Nesta leaned her head against the door as a few tears escaped her eyes

It still hurt too much to know that he had lied to her and the feelings between them might not even be real. She had to cut him down by claiming he’d been wasting her time...which could have very well been true.

And yet, her heart still leapt when she opened the door to find Cassian awake and healed... and the fact that she had such a feeling infuriated her. The stupid bond.

And when he cried after hearing that the baby was alive, she had wanted to feel him wrap his arms around her and have him feel the baby’s kicking for himself. But she forced herself to step out of his reach.

Because of course the baby had been kicking when he was with her. Before the attack, the baby always seemed to have a habit of kicking when Cassian was around. She hoped the baby wouldn’t be disappointed about not hearing his voice anymore.

When her feet started aching, she finally pulled her head away from the door and waddled over to her bed. As she plopped down, she couldn’t help but wonder where she could live to raise her child now that Cassian’s cabin was no longer an option.

And Cassian’s help in raising the child was no longer an option. The thought pierced her heart. She would have to handle this alone.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. “Who is it?” she asked, lacking the energy to get up.

Earlier, when she had first heard knocking, she assumed it would be Elain and Feyre at the door, considering they had stopped by to bring her breakfast and eat with her the past few mornings. Finding Cassian there this morning had been unexpected and now she knew she always needed to ask before opening the door.

“Your sisters!” she heard Elain exclaim.

“Come in,” she answered, and her sisters promptly opened the door and came over to her bed, carrying a breakfast tray table that they placed in the middle of the mattress. Nesta sat up in the bed.

Upon the tray were multiple stacks of pancakes topped with syrup and butter. The sight of them made Nesta frown since they reminded her of the times Cassian would make her pancakes whenever she craved them.

“What’s wrong?” Elain asked.

Nesta shook her head. “Nothing,” she replied before grabbing a plate of pancakes and a fork from the tray. Her sisters followed suit.

“Was it Cassian? He was looking for you this morning,” Elain asked.

“I don’t want to talk about Cassian,” Nesta sternly said as she stabbed at a piece of pancake rather forcefully.

“So it is about Cassian then?” Feyre wondered.

“I do not waste my worries or thoughts on a foolish bastard like him,” Nesta insisted, not wanting her sisters to know about what her relationship with Cassian had been like when they were in the mountains. “I just...don’t know where I’m going to live with the baby.”

“But Nesta, you are welcome to live here,” Feyre stated earnestly, putting down her fork and moving to grab Nesta’s hand, but Nesta moved it out of reach.

“Really? Because the lack of photographs of me in your estate says otherwise,” Nesta noted as she scowled.

It looked as if the words burned Feyre based on the facial expression she made. “Nesta,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize...we just hadn’t taken pictures recently. I didn’t mean to make you feel excluded.”

Nesta snorted in disbelief.

“I’m serious,” Feyre added. “You are of course welcome to stay here and live here.”

“And let you control the way I raise my child? I don’t think so.”

Feyre frowned. “Is that why you didn’t tell us about the baby? You thought we’d take control?”

“As I’ve already pointed out to you, all you’ve done is lead me into a life where I’ve been left with no control.”

“Well, maybe if you’d actually helped to provide for our family, I wouldn’t have had to hunt for food and I would have never killed that wolf that led me meeting Tamlin and knowing about this fae realm,” Feyre fired back.

Nesta stared at her for a moment. “Well, I’m sorry we can’t recover from our sufferings as quickly as you,” she stated snobbishly.

The anger vanished from Feyre’s face, and she looked down at her plate. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Please know that I haven’t been holding that against you.”

After a pause, Nesta spoke again. “Know that I regret not helping to feed you both,” she said softly as she looked down at her plate.

Elain put down her plate and fork and reached out to grab Nesta’s hand and Feyre’s hand. “It’s all in the past,” she stated.

“Nesta,” Feyre began calmly. “Live with us here at the estate. We can help you raise the baby. Me and Rhys have been trying to have a child, so we’re ready to have a baby in our home. Yours could help us prepare for a baby of our own.”

Nesta wanted to to turn down the idea. Who’s to say that Feyre wouldn’t start controlling the way Nesta handled raising her baby? But...but she’d have help in raising the baby. And it would be a safe place to live. She had to put her baby’s needs ahead of her own.

“Do you promise not to control me and the way I raise my baby?” Nesta asked seriously.

Feyre nodded. “I promise,” she said as she put down her fork and offered her free hand to Nesta.

Slowly, Nesta put down her fork and grabbed Feyre’s hand. “Okay,” she said.

Elain smiled brightly at her sisters and squeezed her sisters’ hands. “I can’t wait to help decorate the baby’s room!”

* * *

 

“It’s good to see you, brother,” Rhys greeted as he embraced Cassian when he walked into the living room.

“Likewise,” Cassian stated, trying to keep a smile on his face as he did. But he couldn’t stop replaying that morning’s conversation with Nesta in his head, making it difficult to be happy about anything else.

Rhys opened his mouth to speak as the two of them pulled away, but Cassian was quick to cut in. “Who attacked Nesta?”

He had to know. He didn’t care that his question came off as abrupt. He had to find out which camp was responsible for nearly killing Nesta and her child. He needed his revenge.

Rhys eyed him curiously before turning around to go to the drink cart and began searching for a specific bottle.

Cassian was getting more impatient as the seconds ticked by. “Tell me, please.”

“It was Warrick from camp Erwood,” Rhys calmly revealed as he poured two drinks. Cassian felt his blood begin to boil in rage. “I visited Vitus the other day. We got into a bit of a fight, but he insists that Warrick acted alone, that he did not plan this.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m not convinced either,” Rhys explained as he went over to Cassian and held out a glass of whisky for him to take.

Cassian was pretty sure he hadn’t had an alcoholic drink since Solstice, and he hadn’t been in want of one. Not when Nesta couldn’t drink. It didn’t seem right to do so.

Cassian shook his head, causing Rhys’ eyebrow to rise in confusion, but he said nothing. Rhys took a seat on the couch across from Cassian and looked up at him. Cassian, still standing and infuriated, couldn’t be bothered to sit down. He was ready to go right now to talk to Vitus and give him hell for what had happened. He started pacing about the room hurriedly in anxious frustration.

All the while, Rhys watched him in confusion as he sipped from his drink.

“Then we should go to Erwood right now and punish him,” Cassian demanded.

_Maybe even kill him_ , Cassian thought.

Rhys put his drink down on the table. “There’s something I need to know first,” Rhys said with an edge to his voice.

Cassian couldn’t handle this. They were taking too long. Didn’t Rhys understand that he needed to go right now? Someone had hurt the woman and child he loved and…

But, then again...of course Rhys didn’t know that he needed to go right now. No one else knew what had developed between him and Nesta over the past five months.

“Why didn’t you tell me and Feyre about Nesta’s pregnancy?” Rhys finally asked in a hurt voice.

Cassian paused his pacing and looked over at Rhys. “It wasn’t my place to tell,” Cassian whispered.

“Wasn’t your place to tell?” Rhys’ voice rose in anger. “Considering she’s my mate’s sister, I think we had every right to know!”

“Well, _my mate_ wasn’t ready to tell her!” Cassian shouted back, and Rhys’ mouth dropped open in shock.

“Nesta is your…?” he asked more calmly, his voice trailing off.

Cassian nodded. “She’s my mate,” he stated confidently.

“I’m...sorry,” Rhys said awkwardly.

“I’m not,” Cassian was quick to say. “You just don’t understand her or what she’s been through. But we’ve come to understand each other...at least somewhat,” Cassian added upon thinking about how he didn’t comprehend how she could deny her feelings for him at the moment over the bond. “And I...love her.”

Rhys seemed to be at a loss for what he should say. It looked like he was unable to wrap his head around this information. “Does she...love you?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.

“Has she...has she accepted the bond?” Rhys asked.

“No. She only just found out about it a few days ago,” Cassian said. “I had known for about two months,” he admitted quietly.

“Ah, so now she’s mad of course,” Rhys commented knowingly. “She is an Archeron after all.”

Cassian nodded. “Well, I hope she’ll forgive me like Feyre forgave you.”

Rhys nodded and took another sip of his drink.

“You’re fighting the urge to say you don’t think she will, aren’t you?” Cassian questioned him, with a slight grin on his face.

Rhys swallowed. “You’re right. But...apparently, I don’t really know her. It sounds like...you do though.”

“It’s still hard to say...but I will do all I can to get her forgiveness and prove to her that I love her,” Cassian stated. “Starting with dealing with camp Erwood.”

“Well…” Rhys said as he stood up off the couch. “I guess we better get going to Illyria then.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeeeeeeeeeep. Hope you all don't hate me for this chapter either! (but hey, the baby lives, so that's a win!)
> 
> Thank you for all the support as always <3


	11. April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I present to you...THE LONGEST CHAPTER YET. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

**_ April _ **

“Another package has arrived for you,” Feyre said upon entering Nesta’s room.

As she sat on her bed, Nesta didn’t even lift up her eyes up from the book she was reading about childbirth and raising a baby. It was unsettling to learn that giving birth would be an even more painful experience than a fae menstruation, but Nesta read on.

“And as usual, I don’t want it,” she remarked sternly before turning a page.

Feyre sighed. “But this one - ”

“I don’t care, Feyre,” she said. “Throw it away.”

Over the past few weeks - ever since Cassian had left Velaris and returned to Illyria - he had been sending her different packages. They’d come in various shapes and sizes, but Nesta never dared to open any of them to find out what they were. At first, the packages had been delivered sparingly, but now it felt like there was at least one package every other day. Feyre would always retrieve the package and inform Nesta about it, and each time Nesta instructed her to throw it away.

She didn’t care what that bastard had to say or what he wanted to give her. Silly gifts couldn’t make up for that fact that he kept the mating bond a secret and couldn’t prove to her that their feelings for each other were real.

On the day he left to go back to Illyria, he was winnowed there by Rhys. He had made no attempt to say goodbye to her. In fact, Nesta didn’t even know he had left until after the fact. He did, apparently, leave her a note before going, but she never deigned to open it.

She had to detach herself from him, which meant no contact with him. No reading his letters. No acceptance of his packages. She had to get over him.

Yet..despite all this, she still thought of him everyday. It had been over three weeks since she last saw him, and yet her mind always drifted to him.

Whether it was eating pancakes for breakfast or even simply feeling her baby kick, she couldn’t help but be reminded of the time she had spent with Cassian in the Illyrian Mountains.

But each time such memories surfaced, she would curse herself for thinking of him and focus on preparing herself for the baby’s arrival, which included reading childbirth books and preparing the room for the baby. Feyre’s spacious estate had plenty of rooms available, so her and her sisters had begun decorating the room across the hall from Nesta’s over the past few weeks.

But there was still more clothes, toys, and other materials to buy.

Including a crib.

Feyre had turned to leave her room, but Nesta called out to her. “Do you want to go shopping for the baby today?”

Feyre gave her a soft smile. “I’d love to,” she said quietly. 

* * *

That afternoon, Nesta, Feyre, and Elain had set out to go shopping in Velaris, with Feyre winnowing them to the center of Velaris’ shopping area. Once they arrived, Feyre led the way, considering Nesta wasn’t aware where stores for baby items were located.

However, when they were walking along the sidewalk of the strips of stores in Velaris, Nesta realized exactly where they were heading as they passed storefronts that were familiar to her.

It was the baby store she had gone to with Cassian a few months ago.

Nesta couldn’t help but groan over the fact that once again everything was reminding her of Cassian. And she knew once she stepped in that store, she would be overcome with the memories of that day.

“What is it?” Feyre asked as they all stopped in front of the store. Evidently, she had heard Nesta’s groan.

“Is there another store we can go to?” Nesta wondered, choosing not to delve into the reasons why. She’d never revealed to her sisters what had gone on between her and Cassian, and she didn’t know if Cassian had said anything about it at all.

“This is the only store in the city that solely has baby items,” Feyre explained. “It’ll have the widest selection. Other stores might not have everything you need.”

Nesta fought back the urge to groan again. Of course Cassian had taken her to the only baby store in Velaris.

But she could do this. She was stronger than this. She could go in there with and not spend a single moment thinking about him.

“Fine,” Nesta stated as she boldly yanked open the store’s door and led her sisters inside the store.

And of course she failed to meet her goal immediately upon stepping inside because the first item her eyes found was the outfit that Cassian held in his hands as he asked her if there was a chance the child could have wings.

Nesta huffed as she rushed past the rack where the outfit hung and went strolling down another aisle. Elain and Feyre followed after her.

Over the course of the next hour, Nesta rather grumpily picked out clothing, bedding, and blankets with her sisters, who thankfully seemed to ignore her unpleasant mood.

Or maybe to them, it was just her usual demeanor.

But she was happy to be shopping for her baby. Thinking about her little one had always brought a smile to her face.

It’s just that Cassian was this dark cloud that lingered over her and her plans for her baby, after having visualized for so long that he would be there for her and the baby.

When she and her sisters left their current aisle with filled baskets, Nesta came upon the crib section.

She strode toward the various cribs on display. She inspected some of them, determining if it was the proper color and shape. She rubbed her hands along their railings to see if it was smooth enough and would attempt to shake the cribs to figure out if they were sturdy enough.

Cassian had finished making the crib before everything turned upside down. It had been painted a spring shade of green as Nesta had wished to give her child a colorful room. It was well-constructed and felt smooth against her fingertips.

These cribs weren’t nearly as good as that one.

Cassian’s crib was perfect.

Was it all the bond’s doing? The way she admired him and his thoughtfulness? The reason she couldn’t seem to get him out of her brain?

But the way she felt when he told her he made the crib after they had gone shopping that day in January…she had felt tremendously touched. That was real, wasn’t it? If he was telling the truth when he said the bond didn’t snap until the baby first kicked, then perhaps...everything up to that point had been real?

She detested him when she first moved to Illyria, and he still made her food and bought her books then. By the time the baby first kicked, she had already been falling for him. So had it all been real?

“Nesta, is everything okay?” Elain asked from behind her.

Alarmed by the sudden interruption to her thoughts, Nesta realized she had been gripping a crib railing so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.

“Elain,” Nesta began softly. “How do you feel about Lucien?”

Elain seemed taken aback by the question. “Well, he seems...nice.”

“But...how do you feel toward him?”

Elain tilted her head to the side as she thought about her question. “I don’t particularly feel anything toward him. I don’t truly know him. When he starts trying to come around often, I feel rather annoyed with him actually.”

“So...you don’t love him?”

She chuckled and shook her head. “Not at all.”

Feyre came over to them. “You should ask her how she feels about Azriel,” Feyre piped in with a smile on her face.

Elain instantly blushed.

Nesta took Feyre’s advice. “How do you feel about Azriel?” she asked seriously.

“He’s...very sweet,” Elain answered hesitantly as her face reddened even more. She couldn’t fight the grin that spread across her face. “I...miss him when he’s not around.”

“Even though...he’s not your mate?”

Elain nodded as Feyre gave Nesta a warm smile.

It was too knowing of a smile, Nesta felt. She eyed her sister suspiciously, wondering if she knew of the mating bond between her and Cassian.

“Whatever you feel for Cassian, Nesta...it’s not because of the bond,” Feyre whispered.

So Feyre did know. And based on the fact that Elain didn’t seem shocked at all, she knew too. Now they assumed she felt something other than disdain toward Cassian.

“So, he told you about the bond?” she asked sternly as she crossed her arms against her chest.

“He told Rhys,” Feyre answered. “Rhys told me.”

Nesta took a deep breath. “And your bond...how do you know that you truly fell in love each other?”

“Because I despised him for a while after the bond snapped, and my love for him wasn’t instantaneous. It grew over time as I got to know him.”

“Hmm.” Nesta looked down at the ground.

“You don’t need to buy a crib, by the way,” she added.

Nesta popped her head back up to look at her. “Why not?”

“Because Cassian already made you one, and Rhys was able to winnow it here this morning.”

Nesta sighed as grabbed hold of the crib’s railing once more, trying not to let herself become overwhelmed with emotion.

Could his love for her truly be real?

Despite hearing her sisters’ experiences with the bond, she still found it unbelievable that someone like Cassian could love someone like her. 

* * *

It had been weeks since he’d last seen Nesta, and yet it had felt like an eternity.

Sure, his days had been loaded with constant visits to the Illyrian camps, issuing punishments and ensuring they were followed, and training with the Illyrians which made the days seem to go by quickly.

But each night, he’d return to his home. He hated what his home in the Illyrian Mountains had become.

Over the past several months, it had been his sanctuary. A place where, despite feeling like an outsider among the various camps that surrounded it, he found belonging and comfort and discovered he wasn’t alone.

It had been the site of where he had fallen in love with Nesta and where he was given the dream of being a part of a family with her.

Now it was just an empty cabin that only served as a reminder of his loneliness and his crushed hopes. He dreaded returning to it each day.

But it didn’t remind him of Nesta. No, nothing was needed to even remind him of her because she never left his thoughts.

Over the past several weeks, he hoped and prayed to whatever gods were listening that she would answer his letters that he sent along with his gifts for her.

So far, no reply had come. But he was still determined. So nearly every night, he would take a seat at his desk - which had been situated in his bedroom ever since he cleaned out his study to be turned into the baby’s room - and pull out a piece of parchment and write to her.

When he’d left Velaris, he only left her a note to explain that he had gone to punish the camp that hurt her and her baby.

He figured she would want some space, and so he had left to give her a chance to clear her head and hopefully come to her senses. But he couldn’t give her too much space. He learned that after having left her alone for too long after the war. He still had to let her know how much he loved her and that he was there for her.

And so, a week after he had first left Velaris, he returned to the city for one day. He spent the entire day shopping for different items for Nesta’s baby and arranged it so the shops would stagger the delivery of each item to Rhys and Feyre’s estate.

With the letters, he would be able to send through magical parchment.

But this current letter would be different. This one would come with a special item. Because there was a promise he had broken and another promise that he would deliberately break by writing this letter.

But he felt it was necessary in this case in an effort to prove he loved her.

When he had finished writing the letter, he had sent over a quick note to Rhys, asking him if he could come help him with something when he had a chance.

He didn’t expect that moment to be right now, but the sooner the better.

“What do you need my help with?” Rhys asked as he stepped inside Cassian’s bedroom.

Cassian picked up one of his bright red siphons that had been resting on his desk and held it out to Rhys. “I need you to unlink this siphon from me,” he announced.

Rhys’ eyes widened. “Why would you want me to do a thing like that? To unlink it would put you through a great deal of pain, plus you’d lose some of your power. Once it’s disconnected from you, I won’t be able to link this siphon back.”

“I am well aware of that,” Cassian calmly stated. “But I need you to do this for me. I need to give it to Nesta.”

Rhys looked flabbergasted and shook his head in disbelief. “You spent years acquiring your siphons! Why would Nesta need one?”

“It’s a long story,” he said. “But I broke a promise and now I need to make it up to her by giving her one of my siphons.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t need you to understand. I just need you to unlink it.”

Rhys shook his head. “Is she really worth all this?”

“Yes,” Cassian instantly replied, standing up at his desk with palms flat against the top of it. “She is worth everything to me, and if there is anything I can do to try to win her back, I will do it.”

Rhys sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. “If this is what you really want…”

“It is.”

“Maybe you should take a day to think about it?”

“I already have, and I need to do this now.”

Rhys sighed again as he grabbed the siphon from Cassian’s hands. “You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

Rhys hesitantly encased the siphon within his hands. “You’ll feel like your whole body is on fire. Are you ready?”

Cassian went over and stood at the end of his bed. He tightly grabbed onto the bedposts as he prepared for the pain.

“I’m ready,” he said.

Rhys took a deep breath before letting his power surround the crimson item.

Cassian’s skin immediately felt like it was burning. Like hot coals were being pressed against his entire body. He fought back from screaming out, only releasing grunts and moans of pain instead as the siphon was detached from the power within him.

But he welcomed the pain. If doing so could help Nesta or bring Nesta back to him, it was worth it.

* * *

 

Nesta had been settling into a couch in Feyre and Rhys’ library that evening, cradling a book within her hands when she felt a sudden ache throughout her body.

Was it the way she had nestled in the couch? Pregnancy cramps?

But this dull pain flowed all throughout her body…

_The bond.  
_

Was Cassian hurt?

Her heart started racing in fear at the possibility. She sat up in her seat as she closed her book and put it to the side. Reading to her baby would just have to wait a moment.

Putting her arms around her stomach, she couldn’t help but recall the moment where she had discovered Cassian bleeding in the kitchen a few months ago. It was after a fight they had had, and of course she had been lured into speaking to him again because he was wounded.

No matter how much they fought or bickered, whenever she was faced with the possibility of losing him, she’d always been drawn back in. The same thing happened when they were on the battlefield together.

Did it make her weak? The fact that she would so easily go to him whenever she feared losing him?

Now her mind raced over where he could be, what he could be doing, whether he was alright or not.

As she hugged her stomach tighter, her baby started kicking.

What could she even do at this point? She didn’t know where he was or what his condition was. If they didn’t even have this ridiculous bond, she would’ve been blissfully unaware.

But now she knew something was wrong.

With a frustrated sigh, she stood up and exited the room.

Making her way to a room down the hall, she found Feyre busily painting a scenic landscape on a canvas.

“I feel...pain,” Nesta announced.

Feyre halted her brushstroke and turned her head abruptly back at her sister. “Is it the baby?”

“No. Through the bond,” Nesta whispered seriously.

Feyre’s eyes widened a bit. “Rhys just went to visit him, and I haven’t felt anything. Let me ask him.”

As Feyre closed her eyes, Nesta knew her sister was going to use her own mind to communicate across the bond to her mate.

This mate business still seemed so foreign and strange to her.

Minutes ticked by as Nesta waited. It felt like it was taking a ridiculous amount of time to find out the answer to a simple question.

Nesta’s heartbeat seemed to increase its speed.

“Cassian’s fine,” Feyre suddenly stated, and a wave of relief came over Nesta. “Rhys is with him. Cassian’s pain is nothing to worry about.”

“Who said I was worried?” she asked defensively.

“Your face,” Feyre answered gently with a knowing smile. Nesta scowled as her. “If you’d like me to winnow you to him and see for yourself, I’d be happy to.”

“That isn’t necessary,” Nesta was quick to say.

But naturally, she still wondered what could have possibly been causing him this pain.

But she shouldn’t, she insisted to herself as she wandered out of the room. She shouldn’t care anymore. Despite what her sisters had told her about the bond, she still couldn’t fully believe that the bond didn’t play a role in how they felt about each other.

Plus, there was still the fact that he kept that information from her, choosing to only reveal it after she had figured it out.

She’d been deceived before by those she cared about.

By her father. By Tomas.

Her father hid the fact that he’d inherited his father’s and his grandfather’s debts. And when he lost all of their family’s wealth, it wasn’t until the creditors came to ransack their house that he finally revealed the truth.

With Tomas, she’d been led to believe that he honestly loved her. It wasn’t until she openly critiqued his pitiful proposal that he revealed his true feelings...that he only wanted to use her body and would even dare to attempt to take it without her consent.

Did Cassian understand how he had disrespected her by not telling her? Didn’t she have a right to know she was his mate as soon as he found out?

She sighed as she settled back down into the couch in the library. She couldn’t be stressing herself out by these things. Not when she only had one month left to go of the pregnancy. Picking up the book she had left on the cushion, she started reading aloud in the hopes that the baby would hear her voice and grow accustomed to it.

The aches in her body still lingered as she read.

_What the hell could possibly be happening to him?  
_

But she read on for a little while, forcing herself to focus on the storyline and envisioning the other types of books she could read to her child when he or she was born.

A child who she still had to figure out possible names for.

As she read, she would pause to consider the characters’ names, trying to see how well it rolled off the tongue or what she would envision the child to look like if they had such a name. However, none of the names really stuck out to her.

For over an hour, she continued reading as the aches subsided. Eventually, she began dozing off before falling asleep on the couch.

Some time later, she was startled awake by the sound of something being dropped on the small table in front of the couch. Her eyes shot open to find Rhysand standing in front of her and immediately narrowed. Her and Rhysand still had trouble getting along.

“I’ve brought a gift from Cassian,” he said emotionlessly.

Nesta shifted her gaze to the item that had been dropped on the table. It appeared to be a small wooden box that had different designs carved in it.

“I don’t…” she hesitantly began to say.

“I demand you open this,” he interrupted angrily. “It was a sacrifice for him to give you this, and I will not let it go to waste. You must open it.”

Normally, she would be infuriated that Rhysand was demanding her to do something, but this time, curiosity got the best of her. “What kind of sacrifice?”

“A physically painful one,” he answered.

Nesta kept staring at the box, debating if she should listen to Rhysand. Perhaps that sacrifice was the pain she felt through the bond.

“He misses you terribly, you know,” Rhysand continued, his voice more gentler now. “He hasn’t been the same since he left Velaris last month. He’s miserable without you.”

Nesta didn’t say anything to him, unsure of what to say. She kept her eyes on the box as a thought floated through her mind.

_I miss him too.  
_

“I think it’s pretty clear that I don’t exactly...like you,” Rhysand stated.

“The feeling is mutual,” she replied as her eyes flicked up back to his face, wondering what he was about to say.

“And despite the fact that I feel that way, I wish you would talk to him,” he pleaded. “For what it’s worth, the bond doesn’t determine how you feel about your mate. If I truly didn’t think you’d make him happy, I would’ve been thrilled that you were avoiding him. But after spending much of the last month with him...you should at least talk to him again and know that you weren’t forced to have whatever feelings you have for him.”

She didn’t show it, but Nesta was stunned that Rhysand would say such a thing. The two of them never hid their disdain for the other. Yet here he was, encouraging her to be with the man he considered to be his brother.

Left speechless, her hands seemed to move of their own accord and reached for the wooden box. As she held it, she ran her hand over the wood, feeling the texture of the different engravings. On the top of the box was the letter “D” in the middle of a sun design carved into it.

Slowly, she lifted open the lid and found a folded-up piece of parchment with her name scrawled on it resting on top of something wrapped in gray cloth.

Once Rhysand noticed she opened the box, he silently left the room.

She placed the box back down on the table, then with a slightly trembling hand, she picked up the parchment and unfolded it to read it.

_Dear Nesta,  
_

_I owe you two items that I consider important to me. One for a promise I’ve broken. The other for a promise I’m about to break.  
_

_It feels like a lifetime ago when you were human and I first promised to protect you. I’ve failed so much in keeping this promise, but I failed again last month and nearly lost both you and the baby. I still feel haunted by this. If only I could’ve found a way out of the Blood Rite or had eased tensions with the Illyrians...I know you said it wasn’t my fault, but I still blame myself.  
_

_So as we had agreed several months ago that I would need to give you something I value if I broke a promise, I’m giving you this box, which belonged to my mother. It’s one of the very few things I have of hers. I want you to have it, and I probably would have given it to you even if I hadn’t broken a promise. I know you’ll be a fierce and loving mother as she was._

_I once tried to give you something similar to hers before, during that Winter Solstice when I followed you and tried to give you a present that you refused to accept. It was a ruby that belonged to her that I had made into a necklace. The very same jewel that had been on the hilt of my Illyrian blade that you used to distract the king of Hybern away from me. After the war, it seemed that sword had gone missing but after months of searching for it, I found it with the intention of giving you this jewel to remind you of your loving heart, your courage, your strength, and your devotion. Of the impact you’ve made. You were and are a warrior who can accomplish anything, even getting past the horrors of that war. (Unfortunately, I was stupid and threw that gift into the Sidra.)  
_

_By speaking of that day, I realize I am breaking another promise to you. But Nesta, you nearly died with me on the battlefield in the fight against Hybern, and I need you to know what that meant to me. You didn’t leave me after I told you to go, and then you shielded me against him, knowing you’d likely die. For the first time in my 538 years of life, I felt worthy. Here was someone who seemed to despise me, but grown to care for me enough that they would want to go with me into death. After centuries of feeling like a worthless bastard, you proved to me that wasn’t true. Of course I knew my friends cared for me, but I never truly believed I was worthy of love and happiness until that moment. You made me see that I wasn’t alone. You didn’t leave my side, and I am forever grateful.  
_

_That day occurred long before the bond snapped into place. And all our encounters from when you were living in the Mortal Lands and when you first lived in Velaris...those feelings between us were all real. And of course, everything between us while in Illyria was real... just as it’s real between us now.  
_

_For breaking that second promise, I’m giving you one of my siphons as you had requested months ago. It didn’t occur to me before, but maybe the siphon can help amplify your powers? Amren can show you how to use it and maybe she could help you figure out how to use your powers before the baby comes._

_To update you on the matters from my other letters, there is still tension with the Illyrians. Nothing new to report.  
_

_I love you, Nesta.  
_

_-Cassian_

Nesta couldn’t stop the tears that welled in her eyes as she put the letter down on the couch. Leaning forward, she lifted what she knew must be the siphon wrapped in cloth. Pulling back the cloth, she indeed found the gleaming crimson siphon. Cradling it in her hands, she stared at the stone that was nearly as big as her palm.

If she remembered correctly, the jewel she rejected looked pretty similar to the siphon, having been the same color and shape, just a bit smaller.

_Gods, he threw something of his mother’s into the Sidra._ What kind of a monster was she to drive him to do such a thing? Was his love for her even healthy?

She had no idea when she forced him to make that silly vow all those months ago that it would be a physical sacrifice to give her this siphon. She wanted it to be something important, but she didn’t think it’d require physical pain to give it to her. How awful was she to cause him to do such things?

Covering her hands around it, she held it against her large belly. She prayed she wouldn’t be a horrible mother.

And the first step to ensuring that would be to try to figure out her powers before the baby was born.

Once again, Cassian knew what she needed to do before she realized it herself. She sighed.

Doing so required visiting Amren. Amren had been visiting the Summer Court when Nesta first returned to Velaris. But she’d come back the other week.

They hadn’t spoken since she was told she was being sent to the Illyrian Mountains, which felt like decades ago.

_My, how much has changed since then…_

Nesta carefully wrapped the siphon back in the cloth and placed it back in the box. She picked up the letter and read through it once more.

He just had to remind her of that damned day where she refused to let him die alone. That she cared enough to try to save him, then tried to cover him with her own body.

Maybe it was true. Maybe what they felt for each other was real and had nothing to do with the bond. But...he still kept it from her.

And what he felt for her was no good for him if it drove him to throw away precious possessions or to torture himself. It was for the best that she stay out of his life.

Folding up the letter, she put it back in the box.

* * *

The following week, Nesta snuck away one afternoon from the estate to visit Amren at her apartment without her sisters’ knowledge.

She didn’t want to deal with their questions that she surely would’ve been interrogated with if she told them she needed to visit Amren. They already knew about the siphon since Rhysand knew. But they didn’t know why Cassian had given her one of his siphons or what she would be able to even do with it. Nesta was thankful he at least didn’t share that information with them.

If they all knew, they would all be pestering her to figure out her powers. But there were simply some things she wanted to be in control of. It already overwhelmed her not knowing how to handle them. She didn’t need anymore pressure or influence.

Or maybe she really enjoyed the fact that there was still a secret that only her and Cassian shared, she regrettably realized. But after moving to Illyria, their relationship had essentially been built on secrets. Not telling her sisters or the Inner Circle about her pregnancy, not speaking of the first instance her new power appeared, not revealing how much their relationship had changed over the last few months at first…

There was something that seemed to make their relationship all the more precious by being united with a secret that they only knew about.

But why did she even care about this? They weren’t together anymore.

And Amren was about to learn of the secret of her powers anyway.

Her feet were so tired. While Nesta enjoyed going for walks, they’d gotten harder to do over the last month and a half. Her feet would easily tire, and she would quickly feel worn out. Going to Amren’s was quite a trek, but she had to do it for the baby and find out what this was.

After she knocked on the door, a minute passed before Amren slowly opened the door. Her eyes swept over Nesta’s body.

“So, you really did get yourself knocked up,” she remarked. “And you probably don’t even know who the father is.”

Nesta’s eyes narrowed. She chose to neither confirm nor deny Amren’s words, instead pushing on with the intention of getting to the point of her visit. “May I come in?” she asked.

Amren simply shrugged before turning around to walk away, leaving the door open. “Do what you want, girl.”

Nesta followed after her, closing the door behind her. Amren walked swiftly to her living room area where a puzzle and a glass of wine sat on the table before her. She sat down and stared intently at the puzzle pieces laying out.

“I need your help,” Nesta stated stiffly as she joined Amren at the table.

“Oh, now you need my help?” Amren wondered irritably before taking a swig of her glass of wine.

For a while, Amren was the only member of the Inner Circle she would willingly talk to and visit after the war. Amren had never questioned her behavior for many months, but the one night that she did led to an explosive row between them. Nesta ended up never talking to her again until the day she was ordered to go to the Illyrian Mountains.

“Yes.”

“I’m not interested in babysitting,” she remarked as she put some puzzle pieces together.

“I’m not asking you to be a babysitter,” she replied. “I need your help in figuring out my new powers.”

Amren tilted her head toward Nesta in curiosity but said nothing.

“You may have heard about me and Cassian’s visit to the Dunclare camp for Winter Solstice?”

“Possibly,” she said as she took another sip of wine. This time, as Amren did so, Nesta realized her own focus lingered on the alcoholic beverage for longer than a glance.

After all her heartache with Cassian lately, that slight desire to escape lingered.

But thankfully, the baby kept that desire at bay.

“During the attack,” Nesta continued, suddenly feeling stronger in her silent rejection of the alcohol as she felt the baby kick within her. “I could hear the Illyrians’ heartbeats slow down as my hands started to feel like they were burning with power when I grabbed their arms. They started to choke and passed out. I couldn’t control it. I didn’t even know how I was wielding it.”

Amren said nothing, so Nesta continued. “Then last month, when I was attacked in Cassian’s cabin, the same thing happened...except the Illyrian died when we fell down the stairs.”

“What were these Illyrians doing exactly at the moment you grabbed their hands?” Amren asked.

“At Dunclare, the one man was about to stick a dagger in Cassian’s chest. The other nearly went to stab me. The one at Cassian’s cabin had been getting ready to push me down the stairs.”

“Hmm,” was all Amren had to say to that.

“I want to know how this power works and how to control it,” she said. “Will you help me?”

“Hmm,” Amren once again said.

“I also have this to help with trying to get my powers to work,” she revealed as she slid her hand into her bag and pulled out the siphon wrapped in gray cloth. Peeling back the cloth, she laid the siphon on the table in the midst of the puzzle pieces in front of Amren.

Amren’s eyes seemed to slightly widen at the sight of the siphon. “The bat gave you one of his siphons?”

Nesta nodded.

“That’s...surprising,” she remarked as she leaned closer to peer at the siphon.

“Why?”

Amren readjusted herself to sit cross legged in her chair. “Because only specific stones can be turned into siphons, and Cassian and Azriel went on searches for years to find them. It took them centuries to find all seven. Then their power has to be linked to it. But this one isn’t glowing which means, he must have unlinked it,” Amren finished slowly, as if she fell deeply into her thoughts.

As Amren spoke, Nesta could feel the guilt sink for asking for such a thing. “Is unlinking it...bad?”

“It means he would’ve been in severe pain for many hours and gave up ever having that siphon again. Once it’s unlinked, it can’t be relinked to his power,” she explained.

“What?” Nesta couldn’t help but let the shock show in her voice. Usually, she was so guarded and careful with her emotions, but even far away, Cassian had a way of showing another side of her.

_Why would he do such a thing?_

“You heard me, girl,” Amren replied.

“Does it have to be linked to me in order to use it?”

“No,” she noted. “Only if you want the siphon to be used by you and no one else.”

Nesta picked up the siphon in her bare hand and began rubbing it with her thumb as she studied it. How could he have given her such a thing? Why did he listen to her?

But she had to remember the task at hand. She was here to ask Amren to help figure out her powers. Not dwell on Cassian’s seemingly never ending list of things he’s done for her.

“So will you help me?”

“I’ll think about it,” she stated as she resumed her search for specific puzzle pieces.

Taking that as her cue to leave, Nesta rewrapped the stone and placed it back in her bag.

“I’ll show myself out,” she said as stood up and made her way out of the apartment.

On her walk home, all she could think about was the siphon.

The more she walked, the more infuriated she felt over such a gift. She wished he would just stop sacrificing so much for her. Because she did not deserve it.

What had she ever done for him that made him want to do such things for her?

He was too loyal, too self-sacrificing, too...loving.

But she couldn’t dwell on this. She couldn’t bear to think of him anymore. All it did was make her upset.

And made her miss him.

Instead, she chose to think about what remaining items she needed for the baby. Was there anything else? She could buy more books to read to her baby. She could always use more books. How many toys would be sufficient? Did she underestimate the amount of blankets she’d need? She would have to take another look around the baby’s room when she got back to Feyre and Rhys’ estate.

Which meant she’d see the crib that Cassian had made.

She sighed as she tried to walk faster, but it was hard to do when feeling like an elephant. Her feet were already starting to hurt.

If only Cassian were here, he could fly her back...

Nesta sighed. It had been over a month since she last saw him, and she was still failing at keeping him out of her mind.

With a few tears slowly falling down her cheeks, Nesta made her way back to the estate.

* * *

 

Once she arrived back at Rhys and Feyre’s home, she went upstairs to put her bag in her room then headed to the baby’s room in order to see if there was anything more she needed to buy.

Luckily, no one in the house noticed her arrival. And perhaps they never even discovered she was absent to begin with.

When she stepped in the room, her eyebrow rose in curiosity as she spotted objects she’d never seen in the room before. Did her sisters do more shopping without her?

The first item she noticed was a mobile hung above the crib, with wooden carvings of snowflakes dangling from it.

Nesta strode up to it, grabbing one of the snowflakes to inspect it closely. She had no idea where it came from.

Letting go of it to let it swing through the air, she moved on to the next new object she saw: a baby carriage.

The interior of the carriage was overflowing with a plethora of items, including stuffed toys, blankets, cloth diapers, and bottles. Nesta eyed it curiously, wondering where it all came from. These items weren’t the ones she had picked out, and she hadn’t bought a carriage.

Turning around, she gasped when she saw a rocking chair in the corner of the room. Sitting on the seat was a stack of paper.

When Nesta wandered over to the chair, she picked up the bundled stack and discovered they were all letters with her name of them.

Written in Cassian’s scrawl.

The letters she had spent so long ignoring.

But maybe...maybe she could just read one...

Taking a seat in the rocking chair, she removed the first letter from the top of the stack. Opening it up, she only found a brief message:

_I wanted to kiss you that day at the fair. I should’ve done it.  
_

_I love you.  
_

_-Cassian_

Memories of that day in January flooded back to her as she recalled how he had looked at her and made her feel that day...

Before she knew what she was doing, she broke open the seal of the next letter.

_Nesta,  
_

_When I saw this mobile, I thought of you.  
_

_When you told me you were pregnant, we were out in the snow.  
_

_When you saved my life at Dunclare, you walked with me through the snow, determined that we get to safety.  
_

_It was on our sleigh ride through the snow when you started opening up yourself to me.  
_

_It was while we were out in the snow when you kissed me and I first told you I loved you. And it was the first moment where I felt like the three of us were a family.  
_

_I love you both._

_-Cassian_

Tears filled her eyes as she was reminded of when he kissed her stomach before the Blood Rite. She’d had visions of being a family with moments like that.

If the mobile was one of the packages he sent...did that mean he sent everything else too? Did Feyre and Elain open the packages and put the items in the room? Did they leave the letters here?

She put the letter down on what would be the changing table beside her before grabbing the next letter.

_Nesta,_

_As I said in my last letter, I went to visit Camp Erwood with Rhys and  
_

Nesta abruptly stopped reading the note. Last letter? Which one was the last letter? When she looked up at the date of the message, she realized that it was only two days after the day he left.

Which probably meant the last letter he was referring to was the one he slid under her door right before he left for Illyria.

Getting up from the chair and taking the stack of letters with her, she made her way across the hall to her bedroom.

Going to the side table next to her bed, she opened the drawer and found his letter.

Hesitantly, she picked it up and sat down on the edge of her bed, placing the stack of the other letters on the bed.

_Nesta,_

_I know this is all confusing for you, but I know, without a doubt, that I am truly and honestly in love with you.  
_

_I didn’t want to tell you about the bond at first in case it scared you away. I didn’t want the idea of it to influence or sway you in any way. I didn’t want you to misunderstand it and think that you lost control in the choice of a partner. You haven’t.  
_

_And I didn’t want you to have false expectations of what a mating bond does for a couple. Rhys and Feyre are an exception. Nearly all the fae in all the other bonds I’ve seen were poorly matched. They didn’t love each other.  
_

_I didn’t want the idea of Rhys and Feyre’s bond to scare you away either, with their strong and all-consuming love. I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed by that possibility and run away from it.  
_

_So I waited. I wanted to be sure you at least cared for me, maybe even told me you loved me. I wanted to make sure you were ready to hear it. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but I hope you can understand. I am so sorry.  
_

_I’m going back to Illyria now to deal with camp Erwood for what did to you and the baby. Rhys says they claim the Illyrian acted alone, but I don’t believe that. I don’t intend to show them any mercy._

_It kills me to be without you, but I know you need some time...but I also know that I am going to make sure you know that you are not alone this time. I never want to lose you again. I’ll give you space to think things through for yourself, and hopefully you’ll realize that our feelings are true. And once you do, I’ll be ready and waiting for you and the baby._

_I love you, sweetheart. I want to raise a family with you. All you have to do is let me know that you’re ready.  
_

_-Cassian_

As she read his words, Nesta’s heart raced. She supposed the baby sensed her feelings, considering how it began kicking when she finished reading the letter. Rubbing circles on her stomach with one hand, she put the letter to the side and picked up the other letter she had started to read earlier.

_Nesta,_

_As I said in my last letter, I went to visit Camp Erwood with Rhys and we are still here. We’ve been interrogating them, and they finally cracked, admitting that some of them were part of the plan to kill you and the baby._

_Because they thought the child was mine, they feared the child would be my heir that would take over as General Commander (if the baby is male) since the camp leaders are usually determined by family bloodlines. They were worried about this since they were confident they would kill me during the Blood Rite.  
_

_But they didn’t, and that’s because of you sweetheart. It was the thought of being with you and raising the baby with you that made me want to survive.  
_

_They wanted to make your death look like you had fallen down the stairs by accident. The attacker hoped to get away, but thank the gods for your powers.  
_

_We’re in the process of determining if the camp leader was involved, and if he was, there will be a trial among all the camps to determine his punishment and his replacement.  
_

_For now, training will be made more rigorous for those involved, including having their wings pinned back for a while. They will also have at least one of their siphons removed from them if they have one. They’ve also suffered severe burns from my power. I was unable to control my temper…  
_

_There is also reason to suspect other camps may have been involved too. We’ll be checking in with each of them over the next few weeks. I’ll send you updates.  
_

_I love you._

_-Cassian_

Rhys had never mentioned the details of what occurred during his visits with the camps when he returned from his trips to Illyria. But then again, her and Rhys typically tried to avoid each other. But Feyre likely knew what was happening, and never said anything...

Eagerly, Nesta started ripping open all the other letters, putting them in the order they were sent before she started reading them.

In the numerous letters, Cassian described his tense visits with all the camps over the next few weeks as he and Rhys made sure they were all well aware of the punishments the Erwood camp suffered for betraying him. He reminded them of his victory in the Blood Rite and the promise they made to not start a war over his rule over the camps. He also started a rigorous schedule of regularly visiting each of the camps and training with them, slowly trying to convince them to implement reforms.

He’d also discovered that another camp was involved in poisoning Emerie because she had come over to the cabin the day of the attack, which led to her deep sleep that night. It explained why she didn’t immediately hear her fall.

Interspersed throughout the updates, there were some messages where he told her how much he missed her, wondered how her health was and how the baby was, expressed things that made him think of her and the baby, explained some of the gifts he sent, and how he hoped she would write back to him.

Nearly every letter, he told her he loved her.

But there was one letter that really struck her that had been sent within the past week:

_Nesta,_

_Last night I had a dream about you, me, and the baby. The baby was already born and a few months old. It was a boy. I had come home to the cabin one day to find you reading a book aloud to him while sitting in a rocking chair. I kissed you both, just as he was falling asleep. Together, we laid him in his crib, but he started getting fussy. I picked him up and rocked him in my arms a little bit, but then that seemed to make him cry a little bit more. You laughed at me, blaming me for making him cry harder. Then I had the wild suggestion of flying with you and the baby around the camp to make him fall asleep. You were appalled at first, wondering how the baby would possibly fall asleep while flying, but I convinced you to give it a try.  
_

_You tightly wrapped your arms around him and I held on to you as we soared through the evening sky. And when we landed, he was in a deep sleep. We took him to bed and gave him goodnight kisses. I teased you, gloating that I was right, while you insisted with a smile that he fell asleep because he was wrapped so tightly in your arms. But I told you it was because of both of us that he fell asleep._

_It was heartbreaking to wake up and realize the dream wasn’t real. That you weren’t beside me.  
_

_This dream...this is the life I want with you, Nesta. I want to see you bond with your child. I want to be with you and say goodnight to the baby. I want us to figure out how to best raise the child together. Do you want this too?_

_I miss and love you both._

_-Cassian_

_P.S. I think this is proof that the baby will be a boy.  
_

His dream brought her tears simply because it was what she had wanted too. It was what she used to daydream about. The description of his dream easily came alive in her mind, feeling so vivid, so close to being real. It was something she had been so accustomed to envisioning.

But now… now she felt she was mourning the fact that that dream was out of her reach.

Because she - a female who has difficulty showing kindness, acts coldly, fires back angrily at others, and shuts others out - did not deserve a male like him. One who treated her as the center of his life, made her needs his priorities, was tremendously loyal, and was willing to raise a child that wasn’t his as his own.

She rubbed her stomach again as she looked down at it. “I still think you’re a girl,” she whispered with a sad smile.

Gathering each of the letters to fold them and stack them, she got up and brought them to her dresser, where the wooden box that belonged to Cassian’s mother sat. Lifting open the lid, she placed the letters inside. Then she reached for her bag that was sitting beside the box and pulled out the wrapped siphon and added it to the box.

When she closed the lid, she stared at the patterns of the sun design and traced the letter “D” with her finger.

After staring at it for a minute, she left the room and headed straight for the study, where she was certain she would find Rhys and Feyre.

When she got there, that theory proved to be partially correct, as she found Rhys there. When she stepped inside, Rhys glanced up from his desk and gave her a curious look.

With Rhys, she never felt it was necessary to dance around a subject. She was always straight to the point with him. “Why didn’t you tell me what was going on in Illyria?” she asked.

“Because Cassian told you about it in his letters,” Rhys explained as he continued his task of whatever he was writing at his desk. “He was constantly writing to you whenever he wasn’t moodily going about his day.”

“But Feyre knew I wasn’t reading his letters, and since you two seem to share one mind...” she trailed off, knowing he would understand what she was saying.

“Well if you weren’t going to even bother reading any of his numerous letters, I didn’t think you deserved to know,” he sternly answered.

Nesta couldn’t fight back to that comment. After all Cassian had done for her, the least she could’ve done was read his letters. At least she finally read them and finally knew what had happened.

Now for her other matter of business…

“The box you gave to me that was from him...” she began. “He said it used to belong to his mother. It has a ‘D’ engraved in it. Do you know what it stands for?”

“His mother’s name,” Rhys answered before pausing his writing to look up at her. “Dahlia.”

_Dahlia.  
_

“Thank you,” Nesta said before turning away to leave the room. But Rhys called out to her.

“Are you finally going to talk to him? Or at least write to him?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” she replied. The truth was she wasn’t sure what to do next with her mixed up feelings and emotions.

“Well I hope you will. If you do, here’s a piece of that parchment where he’ll instantly receive the note on his desk,” Rhys said as he handed her a large sheet.

Nesta nodded as she accepted it, then left the room as she tried to figure out what she should do.

* * *

It wasn’t long before Nesta heard from Amren again, and Nesta wasn’t surprised. Despite their previous falling out, she knew Amren would be intrigued by a challenge that needed to be solved.

So for the next few days, Nesta went to Amren’s, where Amren demanded to know every single detail about all the instances of when her power showed itself and what she had already tried in an attempt to get her powers to show. They poured over the vast number of books Amren had in her collection about various fae powers, searching for anything that was remotely similar.

At one point in the midst of their reading in her living room, Amren looked up from her book at her as she sat on the floor. “Was there ever a moment after the war and before the first instance when you discovered your powers that you were attacked in any way?”

Nesta, sitting on the couch, thought for a moment about the insanity of her life after the war that only consisted of males and alcohol. She shook her head. “No.”

“Hmm.”

Nesta shot her head up from her book. “What?”

“Perhaps your beheading of the king of Hybern has something to do with it.”

“How could that have something to do with it?”

“You murdered a powerful High Fae, girl,” she remarked as if it was obvious. “That doesn’t happen everyday. Who knows what that can cause.”

“But you’re sure it’s not the baby?”

“If you didn’t feel anything in your stomach when it happened, then I highly doubt it.”

“But the king of Hybern…” she trailed off.

“Maybe some element of his power went to you.”

“Even though Elain was the one who stabbed him?”

“You’re the one who finished him off.”

Nesta still hated thinking of that day. The visuals of his severed head within her hands as the blood dripped onto her dress and shoes still haunted her. Nesta’s body began to tremble. She refused to think anymore of it. She closed her eyes and attempted to block her brain from thinking anymore of that day.

“You nearly died with Cassian that day, didn’t you?”

Nesta’s eyes shot open. How was she supposed to avoid thinking of that day with Amren prodding her about it?

“Yes,” she stiffly answered.

“Tell me everything that happened when you and Cassian went to attempt to kill the king,” Amren demanded.

Nesta shuddered. “I...I can’t,” she whispered as she turned her face away.

“Don’t let that bastard win in death, girl,” Amren challenged her. “You have power over this. You have found happiness with the child within you. He did not scar you forever.”

“But he killed my father in front of me, and then I...I murdered him,” Nesta stated with tears falling down her cheeks. With the pregnancy, it had become difficult to hide her emotions from anyone.

“You did what you had to do to protect all of Prythian and the Mortal Lands,” Amren yelled back. “Don’t forget that.”

“I…,” she helplessly said, but didn’t know what else she could say.

“Didn’t you tell me you wanted to figure out your powers so you could protect your child?” Amren asked in a calmer tone, standing up as she stared at Nesta and crossed her arms across her chest.

“Yes,” Nesta sniffed as she wiped away her tears with the back of her hand.

“Then keep protecting, girl,” Amren harshly commanded.

Nesta took a deep breath, and the memories of the dead birds she had seen during the first month of living with Cassian came to mind. At that time, she’d been terrified of reliving the day she killed the king. Doing so had taken so much from her. Her life became listless and empty.

But now...the pregnancy and her time she spent with Cassian brought her strength. It brought her life again. It brought her the hope of a beautiful life she never thought she could have as a fae.

So Nesta told her everything about that day as she rubbed her stomach. Tears still fell as she visualized that day’s events, and her heart still ached as she recalled her father’s death and Cassian’s near-death. She supposed it would never been easy to think about that day, but at least she made progress in being able to talk about it now.

“Hmm,” Amren said when she finished.

“Stop doing that and just tell me what you’re thinking,” she demanded.

“Considering you were protecting Cassian, Elain and yourself that day...perhaps it’s no surprise that your powers seem to only show when you’re trying to protect someone you care about,” she noted.

She supposed it was a valid possibility. So far her powers had only surfaced when trying to protect her baby and Cassian.

But she didn’t particularly like the glint of amusement she saw in Amren’s eyes when she said, “We’ll have to test my theory.”

* * *

 

When Nesta returned to the estate, she had just walked through the door when Elain suddenly appeared and startled her.

“Nesta! Where have you been?” she exclaimed, sporting a wide grin and looking as if she could hardly contain her excitement. “I’ve been looking all over for you!”

 Nesta’s eyes narrowed in confusion.

“I was...just out walking,” Nesta awkwardly replied.

“This late in the pregnancy?” Elain wondered, a bit perplexed, but she didn’t seem to dwell on it because she quickly continued. “You won’t believe it! I’ve had a vision of the baby!”

Nesta’s eyes widened. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You...what?”

“I’ve had a vision of the baby. I’ve seen what she looks like!” Elain exclaimed before letting out a gasp and covering her mouth. “Oops.”

_She._

The baby’s going to be a girl. Her senses were correct.

Tears started welling up in here eyes. She was going to have a little girl.

“Are you...are you sure?”

Elain nodded eagerly. “I saw you cuddling with her!”

Nesta felt as if she could hardly breathe. After nearly losing her baby and still worrying if the birth would go well, this news was a complete relief to her.

Nesta looked down at her stomach. “My baby girl,” she whispered as she rubbed her hands on her belly.

Elain walked up to Nesta’s side to place her hand along Nesta’s back and her other hand on Nesta’s stomach. The two of them felt the baby kick.

Elain leaned her head on Nesta’s shoulder. “Would you like to know if...anyone else was also in the vision?” she asked.

Nesta’s bright smile faltered a bit at Elain’s question. “I… I don’t think so,” she whispered.

She wasn’t sure which idea would’ve been worse: that Cassian was in the vision or that he wasn’t. Elain could’ve been referring to anyone when she asked that question. But she didn’t want to know what her fate would be. She wanted to make her own choices and not be influenced by a vision of the future.

She was having a girl though... _a girl!_ As she closed her eyes, her mind immediately raced through the future possible moments she could have with her daughter, such as tying ribbons in her hair, reading books to her, wandering through the park with her, taking her to fairs…

She blinked her eyes open at the last thought because she couldn’t help but picture her walking to the fair with her young daughter sitting upon the shoulders...of Cassian.

Nesta sighed. She still had no idea what to do about Cassian, but she felt a desire to share this news with him.

Maybe she could...at least write to him.

* * *

 

Cassian grumpily scrubbed the plate he had just eaten his dinner off of with soap and rinsed it in water before grabbing a towel to dry it.

It was only one plate he needed to wash. Not two, as he had been accustomed to doing from October to February. In the first few weeks since he’d left Nesta in Velaris, the chore left him feeling glum. But now...now that a month and a half had passed, he was left feeling infuriated.

Once he dried the plate, he placed it on the counter a bit too roughly, causing part of it to chip.

He hadn’t heard from Nesta at all. Last he heard from Rhys, she hadn’t even opened any of his letters or his gifts. He knew he needed to give her her space, but he had assumed she would’ve seen reason by now and would have understood that his love for her and whatever she felt for him wasn’t because of the stupid bond. He thought she would have reached out by this point. Did he misunderstand what she felt for him?

No, he couldn’t have. Not with the way she came after him when he left for the Blood Rite. Not with the way she kissed him. Not the way she fell into his embrace when he returned from the Rite.

She admitted she tried to detach herself from him when it was established he would go through with the Rite. Was she trying to detach herself from him now?

He had fallen in love with a ridiculously stubborn woman. He chastised himself for assuming Nesta would have talked to him by now when this same woman refused to talk to him for ten days after taking her shopping near Feyre’s art studio. How could he forget that she knew how to hold a grudge?

Was it time for him to attempt to talk to her in person, or would that further anger her?

He grabbed his cup from the kitchen table to take a sip of water, then slammed it back down, causing it to crack. He couldn’t take this anymore. They both had said they didn’t want to waste anymore time...yet, here they were, wasting time that could’ve been spent together. He could’ve been helping her decorate the baby’s room, could’ve been cooking her foods to satisfy her wild cravings, could’ve been soothing any concerns she had about the baby being born, could’ve been kissing her senselessly and letting her know how loved she was.

He picked up the cup again to take the last sip, then brought it over to the sink to start scrubbing it. And as he did so, a piece of parchment suddenly appeared out of thin air on the counter. A perplexed look crossed his face as he dropped the cup and shook his hands to let the water fly off before picking up the piece of paper.

It felt as if his heart stopped when he realized it was Nesta’s handwriting. After all the letters she’d helped him write when she lived with him, he’d recognize her handwriting anywhere.

_I was right.  
_

Those three words was all the message said, leaving him extremely confused. What was she referring to? He didn’t remember writing her any kind of note that would elicit such a response. What kind of tone was she using when she wrote this? Was it filled with anger and arrogance, or was it more of a jest?

It couldn’t have been about the mating bond, could it? Because she certainly was not right about that.

Desperately, he searched for a pen around the kitchen, not wanting to lose this moment to talk to Nesta. Once he found one, he penned his reply and let it disappear, not giving himself a moment to second guess his words.

_And what exactly are you right about, sweetheart?_

Cassian leaned his hands against the counter, anxiously awaiting her reply. It was only a minute before the paper returned.

_The baby is a girl.  
_

Cassian’s eyes widened. How did she know? She couldn’t have possibly had the baby yet, could she? The baby was due in May. Surely, he would have felt something through the bond that she was in labor.

_How do you know?_

Cassian’s heart started pumping fast until the paper appeared again.

_Elain had a vision.  
_

Cassian sighed with relief. She hadn’t had the baby yet. He didn’t miss the birth. But...now they knew for sure the baby would be born. He smiled as he picked up the pen again.

_That’s great news. I can’t wait for little Cassandra’s arrival.  
_

The next reply came faster than all the others.

_I am not naming her Cassandra.  
_

Cassian smirked.

_I don’t see how there could be a better name than that._

 

_I have better ideas._

 

_Care to share?_

 

_No.  
_

Cassian tapped his pen against the counter, wondering what he should say next. 

_But the suspense may kill me.  
_

 

_Don’t be so overdramatic._

 

_Ok, go ahead and keep your secrets, sweetheart. I look forward to the baby’s birth and learning her name then._

Many minutes passed by, leaving Cassian feeling very worried that that was the end of their conversation. Was it his implication that he’d be at the baby’s birth that ended the conversation?  _  
_

But she didn’t say anything about him needing to stay away, so perhaps that was a good sign?

Either way, he finally heard from her and it didn’t sound like she was angry with him either. 

Progress was being made. 

That night, he went to sleep feeling happier than he had in weeks. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nesta is SO FREAKIN' STUBBORN, YOU GUYS. She just can't let go of her fears, can she? But I think Cassian is oh so slowly getting her to crack ;) (Also, I hope their conversation over parchment at the end there wasn't confusing to figure out who was speaking!)
> 
> I don't really recall if the books say there's any kind of significance with getting a siphon or how you get one...so I decided to make up my own ideas for that. :)
> 
> Also a heads up: so I've been updating every other weekend, but I'll be out of town 2 weeks from now, so I am toying with the idea of updating next weekend instead, but I'm not sure yet...so no promises, but it's definitely a possibility! (Plus, everyone's probably dying for Cassian and Nesta to be in the same room again, right? Leaving you guys with this chapter of them broken up for 3 weeks would just seem cruel...and OMG THE BABY IS COMING NEXT CHAPTER, YOU GUYS!)
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love!


	12. May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeep! I’m so nervous posting this chapter since it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for! 
> 
> Please note, I definitely do not get into all the crazy details about childbirth. Also, this is a fae birth, so that’s my excuse if there’s anything that does/doesn’t happen that usually doesn’t/does happen during a human birth! Haha 😉

_** May ** _

As the days went by, Cassian woke up each morning, hoping he would hear from Nesta again. 

He hadn’t heard from her since she sent him a message about the baby’s gender. The day after that, he had gone ahead and wrote her a simple question: _How are you doing?_

But a week went by, and he still hadn’t received a reply. 

The lack of response saddened and frustrated him, but he still had the hope she would eventually contact him, considering she initiated the last conversation. 

But now it was the first day of May. The month she was going to have her baby. 

There was no way he was going to miss the birth of her baby. He wanted to give Nesta the space she desired, but at what point would he have to stop waiting for her and just go ahead and make his own move?

He needed to be there for her. No matter how much she may try to push him away, he would prove to her that he would still be there and that he loved her. 

Just as he was about to leave the kitchen, a piece of parchment appeared on the table. As soon as Cassian saw it, he instantaneously reached for it as his heart hammered in his chest. 

 

_Bat boy,_

_Be at my apartment at midday._

_-Amren_

Cassian’s heart sank upon seeing it wasn’t Nesta’s handwriting. 

Instead, it was a demanding note from Amren without an explanation for why he needed to visit. 

Typical. 

He wasn’t sure what this could be about. Visiting Amren wasn’t a usual part of his duties for the Inner Circle. She wasn’t usually involved with Illyrian matters. 

He wondered if Nesta had listened to him when he told her to visit Amren about the siphon. Could it possibly be about that? He wasn’t sure what he would really need to do with the siphon. It had been unlinked. There was nothing more needed from him. 

He picked up a pen to write back. _Any special reason?  
_

The response came quickly.

_You’ll find out when you get here.  
_

Cassian huffed at the vague reply. If he was going to be there at midday, he’d have to start flying out there now. But at least this gave him a reason to go to Velaris. Maybe afterwards, he would stop at Rhys and Feyre’s estate and attempt to talk to Nesta again. 

Gods, it felt like it’d been ages since he last saw her. 

As he left the kitchen and exited the cabin, he couldn’t help but feel slightly thrilled by the prospect of seeing her again later that day.

He just prayed she would be more receptive to what he had to say.

* * *

 

Nesta sighed out of frustration as she made her way to Amren’s house. The message she received from her had been last minute and unexpected, demanding she come over to test something about her powers and to come _right away.  
_

Didn’t she realize that her baby could be born any day now? Her stomach was so large, making it hard to move about and slowing her down, elongating the journey to Amren’s. She couldn’t handle short notice, but when Nesta tried to protest in her message back to her, Amren got feisty right back at her, claiming that she must not care about potentially hurting her daughter with her powers. 

Such a comment irritated her but also spurred her to get dressed and start making her way to Amren’s home. At least it was only the first day of May. Better to try out whatever crazy idea Amren had now instead of later on, when she was closer to Madja’s estimated due date of mid-May. 

Soon, she’d be able to meet her baby girl. The thought always caused Nesta to bring her hand up to her stomach to feel her kicks, which were pretty constant now. 

At least she had somewhere to live and her sisters would be around to help take care of the baby. Her relationship with them was still far from perfect, but they were slowly working through it.

But was she ready for the birth of her baby? She had no idea if anything could truly prepare her for it. She kept reading about it since she didn’t even know a single fae who’d had a fae child. Rhys, Azriel, and Amren had told her what they knew, but they didn’t fully know how it would go or what it would feel like or what the best ways to raise the baby would be. 

She just wished...Cassian was here to handle the unknown with her. She moved her hand up to touch the red siphon that she now wore around her neck. 

But he didn’t deserve to be saddled down with someone like her and taking care of a child that wasn’t his. He deserves someone better. 

It was a moment of weakness when she decided to send him a message about finding out the baby was a girl. She’d been too wrapped up in the excitement of it to think straight. When he sent her a message the next day, asking how she was doing, she’d been in a clearer state of mind and was able to realize it would be better for her to not respond. To detach and distance herself. 

And it would be healthier for her to stop thinking of him...

Soon, she reached the front door of Amren’s apartment and knocked. 

“Get inside, girl!” she heard Amren shout through the door. 

Nesta rolled her eyes at her impropriety before turning the knob and strolling inside. 

She’d found Amren lounging around in the living room, eating some chicken and vegetables. “Come eat with me, girl,” she demanded as she gestured to the plate of food sitting on the end of the small table in the middle of the room. 

Nesta gave her a peculiar look as Amren lifted the plate to her, and Nesta took a seat in the chair across from her. 

Amren’s message had made it sound like this was an urgent meeting, and here she was, casually eating in the living room. 

“I thought we were going to do something with my powers,” Nesta grumpily stated. 

“In a moment,” Amren replied. “But first, we must eat.” 

Nesta rolled her eyes at Amren’s eccentricities but figured she might as well feed herself and the baby, so she started eating. 

A little while later, Amren stood up and started walking out of the room. 

“Where are you going?” Nesta asked. 

“To use the damned bathroom,” Amren muttered irritably. 

Nesta continued to sit and eat, all while trying not to explode on Amren for ordering her to get here immediately when they weren’t even doing anything. 

Suddenly, she heard a knock upon the front door, sparking Nesta’s curiosity. She wasn’t aware of anyone possibly joining them. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone else either. Not that she ever really was. 

“Answer that,” Amren dictated loudly from inside the bathroom.

Nesta groaned in annoyance as she carefully put down her plate, then slowly made her way over to the door, wondering why Amren didn’t bother answering the door when she arrived, but now, someone actually needed the door opened for them. 

Upon swinging the door open, her eyes widened in surprise when she found Cassian standing before her. 

He looked equally shocked to see her, with his mouth opening to speak, but no words came out. 

“What are you...what are you doing here?” Nesta managed to ask. She’d intended for her words to have more bite, but instead they just came out slowly and calmly. 

“What am I doing here? I think the better question is why are you here instead of in bed at the estate, waiting for the baby’s arrival?” he asked rather seriously, with his eyes filled with concern. 

Nesta’s fiery nature kicked in. “I am perfectly able -” she began to defend herself, but suddenly an arrow came soaring over her shoulder and went straight for Cassian’s neck, piercing the skin. 

Cassian plucked the arrow from the small wound as he grunted with pain before closing his eyes and instantly crumpling to the ground. 

“CASSIAN!” Nesta exclaimed and tried to reach for him as he fell, but with her pregnant stomach, she couldn’t move fast enough to catch him. Nesta whirled around and found Varian standing in the room.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” Nesta yelled, and the burning in her hands ignited and she could feel power shoot out of her and hit Varian’s body. Instantly, she heard Varian’s heartbeat slow down. She didn’t even need to touch him for him to feel the effects, which may have been a result of the siphon that hung around her neck. 

“PULL BACK, NESTA! CASSIAN IS FINE!” Amren exclaimed when she appeared in front of Varian. Immediately, when she stood in front of him, the blast of power had stopped. 

Hyperventilating, Nesta glared at her as Amren turned around and inspected Varian’s body. He appeared to be breathing slowly. 

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO CASSIAN?” Nesta demanded to know as she carefully kneeled down beside Cassian’s unconscious body and ran her hand across his cheek to push hair away from his face. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the rise and fall of his chest. 

“He’ll only be knocked out for a half hour,” Amren calmly stated, still tending to Varian. “And it appears I was right. Your powers to harm come alive when you’re protecting someone you love.” 

_Love..._

“THAT’S WHAT THIS WAS ALL ABOUT?” she shouted.

“Yes, now calm down already,” Amren ordered. 

Nesta kept her eyes on Cassian and continued to stroke his cheek. She hated seeing him like this. Motionless and seeming lifeless. She hated that she’d already seen Cassian like this twice before, which still haunted her: at the hands of the king of Hybern and at the Dunclare camp in Illyria. 

And while she knew she needed to detach herself from him, she still needed to make sure Amren spoke truthfully and make sure Cassian awoke. 

So she waited. 

* * *

Cassian opened his eyes.

He was lying on a couch. Amren’s couch, he had realized. 

With a grunt, he sat up as he tried to recall how he got there. Thinking through the day, he remembered getting a note from Amren, flying to Velaris, knocking on her door, and then...and then he saw Nesta. 

_Nesta.  
_

His heart started pumping fast. 

And then some arrow had come flying out of nowhere and hit him. 

When Amren walked in the room, he perked his head up. “Finally,” she remarked. 

Cassian let out a huff. “What was that arrow all about?” he asked groggily. 

“I had Varian shoot a drugged arrow at you to see if it would trigger Nesta’s powers, and I was right,” Amren bragged as she gave him a smug smile. 

“You did what?” 

“You heard me, boy.” 

Cassian shook his head at Amren’s insane antics. But...but Nesta’s powers had been triggered. He started turning his head, looking to see if she was still around somewhere. 

“She’s outside on the balcony,” Amren stated. 

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t play dumb,” Amren remarked before turning and walking out of the room. 

Cassian started rubbing his head over the spot where he he had fallen on it. That had been an extreme ploy to get Nesta’s powers to work. But what did this mean for her powers? 

Getting up off the couch, he walked across the room, looking out the window as he headed to the door to the balony.  Outside, Nesta was sitting in a chair with one leg stretched out and propped up on another chair. 

He could see how big her stomach had gotten, and how beautiful she still looked. She was still glowing. Just like the day they’d hosted the Illyrian camp leaders at his cabin. 

At least she didn’t run away. She knew he was here and didn’t bolt. Perhaps, she was willing to talk to him. Carefully, he turned the knob to open the door to the balcony.

* * *

 

When she heard the creak of the door behind her, she knew it was Cassian. 

But she didn’t dare look back up at him, knowing it would send her heart thundering in her chest. Instead, she focused her gaze on her swollen foot that was propped on the chair. 

He appeared in her peripheral vision and soon began to speak. “Your foot is swollen,” he observed.

“I’m aware,” she said casually. 

“Do you want me to - ”

“No,” she interrupted him. From the way he leaned down and motioned to touch her lower leg, she knew he was about to offer to massage her foot. She wouldn’t be able to stand him touching her because she knew it risked making her want him all the more. 

Plus, he’d already done so much for her. It wasn’t right for him to do any more for her. 

Cassian then went over to the other side of her and sat down in the seat next to her. 

“Amren said she figured out how to trigger your powers,” he said. 

“It appears that they activate when I’m trying to protect someone,” she answered, neglecting to mention the other qualifier that Amren had said. 

“I see you’re wearing the siphon,” he commented. “Did it help?” 

The damned siphon he shouldn’t have given her. 

“Yes,” she replied with a bit of an edge to her tone. Finally, she turned her gaze away from her foot and looked up at him. She regretted it as soon as she looked at him. 

He was giving her _the look_ , and she nearly stumbled over her words when she spoke again. 

“Why...why would you give me this?” she asked, raising her voice out of frustration. 

“Because that was our agreement for me breaking a promise.” 

“But I didn’t know the pain it would cause you!” 

“It doesn’t matter. I would do anything for you,” he noted earnestly. 

Nesta shook her head and tilted her face away from him, wondering what the heck was wrong with him for saying such a thing. 

“What is it?” he asked. “Why are you shaking your head? Do you honestly not believe me?” 

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered as a tear slipped out of her eye. 

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t deserve you,” she said a bit louder and more forcefully. 

“What is that supposed to mean? What makes you think that you don’t deserve me?” 

Nesta continued shaking her head. “I’m a monster. Even your friends despise me for the way I act. The way I am. You should stay away.”

She thought of Mor’s feelings about her and her conversations with Rhysand. Neither of them liked her. Why would Cassian want someone who his friends despised? 

“Would a monster sleep beside me to keep my nightmares away? Do everything she could to ease tensions with the Illyrians with me? Tend to my wounds when I’m injured? Not many people know the real you, Nesta, but I do. And I love you.”

“Stop saying that,” she stated with exasperation. 

“I won’t stop speaking the truth,” he said firmly. 

She couldn’t do this. She needed to get out of here. She’s seen him awake. She could go home now, knowing his was fine after being shot by the drugged arrow. 

Bringing her foot down from the chair and standing up, she headed straight for the door to the apartment. Of course her movement wasn’t swift, giving Cassian ample time to get right behind her and raise his hand above her shoulder to hold the door closed as she tried to turn the knob and open it. 

“Nesta,” he whispered, and she could feel his breath against the back of her neck. Having him so close sent her heart racing. “Talk to me,” he pleaded.

“About what?” she snapped. 

“Did you read all my letters?”

“Yes,” she answered strongly. 

“And did you talk to your sisters about the bond?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And what?”

He was still breathing on the back of her neck. It was driving her crazy, and yet she felt frozen in place. 

 "And what do you think of the bond?”

“And I don’t think…” she began before taking a deep breath. “I don’t think the bond determines how you feel.” 

Cassian’s hand on the door slid down to encase her hand that rested on the knob. She could feel him get closer behind her, and he placed his hand against her shoulder blade. “Then what’s the problem?” he wondered quietly, with his lips close to the shell of her ear. 

Nesta closed her eyes and resisted the urge to lean back into him. 

“I told you,” she said forcefully, once she’d gathered her senses. “I don’t deserve you.” 

Cassian sighed. “Stop being so ridiculous.” 

“I am not being ridiculous,” she insisted as she released the door knob and turned around to face him, forcing Cassian to step back from her a little. 

“Yes, you are!” he said loudly. “You’re just making up excuses because you’re afraid!”

Nesta narrowed her eyes at him and shook her head. “You’re delusional.” 

“Sweetheart,” he said as he moved to grab hold of her hands, but she wouldn’t allow that. She quickly moved her hands out of his reach and whipped around her body to open the door. She stormed into the apartment, unable to shut the door behind her since Cassian was barging in right behind her. 

“I’m done having this -” Nesta began to say before letting out a cry after feeling a burst of pain through his lower back and abdomen. The discomfort took her by surprise, causing her to lean her palm against the wall for support. 

“Nesta, what is it?” Cassian asked in concern, immediately coming to her side and wrapping his arm around her. “Is the baby coming?”

The pains within her continued and she couldn’t help but keep letting out cries of anguish. This must be it. Her baby girl was coming. “Yes,” she said just before her knees buckled as she felt a raging contraction. 

But Cassian was there and ready to catch her. With one arm at her back and the other beneath her thighs, he lifted her up in his arms. “AMREN!” he called out. 

“WHAT!” Amren replied from another room. 

“Contact Madja to meet us at Rhys and Feyre’s! The baby is coming!” he instructed. 

Then he gazed down at Nesta as she clutched at her stomach. “I’ll fly you very carefully back to the estate,” he explained as he started walking at a quick pace toward the front door.

Once he stepped outside, they took flight. 

* * *

Nesta had a hard time focusing on what was going on around her. Her eyes were closed most of the time as pain wracked her body. The baby books had warned her that labor pains would be as bad as during menstruation, if not worse. 

She vaguely remembered Cassian murmuring some things to her like “Hang in there, sweetheart,” as they flew back to the estate. Those words brought her no comfort as she still felt like she wanted to throttle someone. 

Then when they reached the estate, there was a huge commotion, with her sisters, Rhys, Azriel, and Madja all gathered around. She remembered hearing Madja’s voice shouting over everyone to instruct Cassian to carry her upstairs to her room.

 All the noise was _irritating_. 

When they reached her room, Cassian had gently laid her down on the bed as Madja rushed about to retrieve all that she needed. But based on all the chatter she heard, it sounded like many of the others had followed them upstairs, infuriating both her and Madja. She did not need to have her ears ringing from all this ridiculous noise on top of giving birth. 

“EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET OUT,” Madja ordered loudly. “Cassian, are you staying in the room or not?”

This question caused her to shoot open her eyes. Looking up, she found Cassian standing over her, staring directly at her. 

“It’s your call, sweetheart. Am I staying or am I going?” he asked. 

Another contraction ripped through her body. 

“IF YOU DARE TO ABANDON ME NOW, I WILL MURDER YOU,” she spat out fiercely without even thinking. Because, _gods,_ she couldn’t even handle thinking right now.  

Despite the fact that she just yelled at him, Cassian beamed as he eagerly grabbed her hand.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered. “Hang in there, sweetheart.”

* * *

Watching Nesta be in labor for many hours was brutal. 

Knowing how much pain she was in made it a horrifying experience because he couldn’t do anything except sit on a chair beside her bed, hold her hand, and wait. He couldn’t rid her of her pain. 

Through the bond, he could feel a dull ache in his back and his stomach. He knew it was nothing compared to the torturous time she was having. She made sure he and Madja were well aware of that fact, with her shouts at them for not helping make the pain go away.

Which was another reason it was so brutal to watch her be in labor. 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING WRONG? YOU KEEP FEELING MY STOMACH, YET THE BABY’S STILL NOT COMING. ARE YOU THAT INCOMPETENT?” Nesta shouted at one point when Madja felt around her bare stomach.  

“ARE YOU REALLY ABOUT TO ABANDON ME RIGHT NOW?” she screamed at another moment when he let go of her hand to get up to retrieve a cold, wet towel with the intention of placing it against her forehead. 

She was constantly shouting about every little thing. She would reprimand him for gripping her hand too tightly then later say his grip was too loose. She would claim he was breathing too heavily on her, so he would turn his head slightly away from her, but then she’d wonder if she was too hideous for him to look at right now.  

But all throughout her outrageous complaints, Cassian reminded himself to remain calm and not engage in an argument with her. He’d always answer her sweetly and gently in an effort to please her as best as he could.

All while praying the baby would make her arrival very, very soon. 

“Hang in there, sweetheart,” he stated for what was probably the hundredth time when she cried out in anguish. 

She glared at him when she turned her face toward him. “THOSE STUPID WORDS AREN’T HELPING!"

Cassian fought the urge to sigh for fear of her complaining about that too. What else was he supposed to say in this moment?

 He decided to just say the next thing that came to mind. 

“I love you, sweetheart.”

“WELL DESPITE YOUR UNHELPFULNESS, I LOVE YOU TOO.”

It felt as if his heart stopped. His thumb that had been rubbing circles on the back of her hand froze. 

“What did you say?” he whispered as he looked at her curiously. 

“YOU HEARD ME.” 

“But...did you mean it?” he wondered. She had been saying crazy things all day.

“WHY WOULD I HAVE SAID WORDS I DON’T MEAN?”

“Well, earlier at Amren’s, you were telling me that -” he began to say, but Nesta cut him off. 

“WELL YOU WERE RIGHT. I WAS AFRAID, DAMMIT.”

Cassian couldn’t the stop the huge grin from spreading across his face. 

“DON’T YOU DARE GET COCKY JUST BECAUSE I SAID YOU WERE RIGHT,” she added. 

“Oh, Nesta…” he murmured as he stood up from his seat to lean over and plant a kiss on her cheek. “I love you.”

Nesta sighed in annoyance. “I ALREADY KNOW.” 

It was then that Nesta let out her loudest cry of agony yet, which caused Madja to press along her stomach again. “The baby is coming now,” she announced. “Push! Push!”

“You’ve got this, sweetheart,” he remarked as he felt her squeeze his hand tighter than ever before. “Keep pushing.” 

Within minutes, they could hear the baby’s cries. Cassian looked at Nesta and the widest smile came across her face. Tears flooded out of her eyes as she breathed heavily. Cassian lifted their intertwined hands and placed a kiss on the back of her hand. “You did it, sweetheart.” 

Soon Madja presented her with her cleaned-off baby girl swaddled in a blanket. Nesta released Cassian’s hand and eagerly took her into her arms. “Welcome, little one,” she said quietly as she stared at her in adoration. The baby settled down once she noticed her mother’s eyes looking at her.

Feeling like he was infringing on Nesta’s moment with her daughter, he took a few steps back. 

“Where are you going?” Nesta asked as she perked her head up and looked at him. 

“I thought you would want -” he started to say, but Nesta interjected. 

“Come over here,” she implored. 

Cassian immediately went and sat beside Nesta on the mattress, wrapping his arm around Nesta’s back while gazing down at her baby.

She looked so peaceful and innocent. Her face looked a lot like Nesta’s, especially the shape of her nose. It was...so incredible to see. He couldn’t help but smile down at her. “She’s beautiful,” he commented. 

Nesta nodded in agreement. 

“And so are you,” he added before kissing Nesta’s cheek. 

“I love her so much already,” Nesta said breathlessly. 

“What are you going to name her?” 

Nesta turned to look up at him. “Would it be all right...if I named her Dahlia?” 

Cassian’s breath stilled. 

His mother. Nesta wanted to name her daughter after his mother. But how did she even know his mother’s name? He had never told her...

“You want to name her...after my mother?” he asked, stumbling over his words. “How...how did you even know my mother’s name?”

Nesta nodded. “Rhys told me. It seemed like the perfect name, after all you’ve done for me and for the baby because of your mother.”

“It was because of you that I - ” Cassian gently insisted. 

“It was at least partly because of her,” Nesta interrupted as she gave him look as if to say _Don’t deny it._ “You didn’t want me to feel alone like she did...and I certainly didn’t because of you.”

Cassian hugged her tighter to him. “I’d be honored if you named her after my mother,” he whispered, unable to prevent the tear that glistened in his eye. 

Nesta gave him a peck on the lips - their first kiss since the day he started the Blood Rite - before bending her head down to kiss her baby’s head. “Hello, Dahlia.”

“Hi, Dahlia,” Cassian said as he gazed down at her. 

With the woman he loved beside him - who loved him in return - and a child he’d considered his own sitting before them...Cassian was certain he’d never felt this content in his entire life.  

* * *

Once Madja had cleaned up the room and Nesta looked a little more presentable, her sisters, Rhys, and Azriel were finally permitted to enter the room and meet the baby. While Feyre and Elain were busy taking turns holding her and cooing to her, the males retrieved the crib and brought it inside Nesta’s room. 

After a short while, Nesta’s exhaustion really hit her. Luckily, Madja realized this, shooing everyone off while insisting Nesta and Dahlia needed rest. Madja placed Dahlia to sleep in her crib, and Cassian had laid down beside her as they fell asleep together. 

It must have been a few hours later when she felt Cassian stir beside her and remove his hand from its place on her waist. 

She had assumed he had gone to the bathroom or went to retrieve food or drink, but when he didn’t return within a few minutes, she opened her eyes to find Cassian standing beside the crib, holding Dahlia in his arms as she rested her head on his shoulder. 

Cassian swayed a little back and forth with her, rubbing her back as he did so. 

It was a beautiful sight to see. When she had grown closer to Cassian, this is what she had been picturing what their life could be like. Their own little family.

When she had gone into labor, she found that she could no longer deny her feelings for him. She was tired of fighting them and she wanted him to be at her side, figuring out how to be parents together. 

But she needed to be sure that this life was what he wanted.

Nesta sat up in her bed as she observed him gently lay Dahlia down in her crib. When he turned around, he appeared startled to see her awake and watching him. 

“Sorry if I woke you,” he whispered as he returned to his place beside her in the bed. “I could hear Dahlia getting a little fussy, and I didn’t want her to start crying.” 

Nesta scooted her body so she could wrap her arm around Cassian’s waist and rest her head against his bare chest. “Thank you,” she murmured. 

Cassian entwined his fingers within her hair and started undoing her braid. “You’re welcome,” he said quietly. 

Nesta started tracing the Illyrian tattoos on his chest with her finger. “Will you be a father to Dahlia?”

“I want so much to be a father to her,” he remarked as he continued to play with her hair. “But if I’m going to be her father, then you need to understand that I am _never_ going to abandon her or leave her. I will always be a part of her life, which means I will forever be a part of yours, and I need to know where I stand with you.”

Nesta paused her tracing as she looked up at him, with her chin resting on his chest. “What do you mean?”

“More than anything, I want to be with you,” he stated tenderly as his fingers stilled within her hair. “Only you. And I need to know if you feel the same way. Because earlier, you told me you were afraid.” 

Nesta sat back up again and placed her hands on the sides of Cassian’s face. “I love you,” she said. “I only want you. I still don’t think I deserve you and I think part of me will always be afraid that I’ll mess it all up somehow. But I’ve realized that I don’t want to take the risk of _not_ being with you either. I don’t think I’m ready to accept the bond yet, so -” 

“The bond isn’t important to me,” he interrupted gently. “Your love is enough.” 

“You have it,” she whispered. “And I always want you to be in my life and to be _with_ me.” 

Cassian smile spread from ear to ear as he put his hands on her cheeks and tugged her face closer to him. “I love you, Nesta Archeron.” 

“I love you, Cassian,” she managed to hurriedly say before his lips came crashing against hers to give her a passionate kiss.

After a few more passionate kisses, Nesta fell back asleep in his arms, feeling safe and secure, and the happiest she’d ever been. 

* * *

 

The next week and a half had been filled with lots of grogginess, lots of breastfeeding, and a great desire for sleep. Nesta hardly left her room, let alone her bed, as her sore body recovered from giving birth. 

Cassian rarely left her alone. Unless he was using the bathroom or cooking food for her, he was always there to help calm the baby, to bring Dahlia over to her bed, to bring her meals and eat with her, and help make sure she got at least some rest. 

Feeling well enough to stand at least for a little while, she had put Dahlia down in her crib to sleep. As soon as she hit the crib, she wailed.

But then Cassian appeared beside Nesta, and Dahlia became silent, suddenly entranced by the movement of his wings. When he saw her staring at them, he deliberately began to flap them around a bit, intriguing her even more. Cassian chuckled as he did so, and Nesta couldn’t help but laugh herself. 

“Too bad she wasn’t born with wings,” Cassian commented. “She seems rather fond of them.” 

Cassian had told her the day after Dahlia was born that if she were part Illyrian, the wings would’ve been present at birth. But there were none. 

When Cassian made the comment, Nesta couldn’t tell if he was relieved or disappointed. Would he have been jealous if she turned out to be the biological daughter of an Illyrian who wasn’t him? 

But overall, he seemed so happy to be around both of them. And this easiness between them was so calming and pleasant. 

But she knew that all good things must come to an end, including this fairytale-like lifestyle. 

“When are you going back to Illyria?” she asked quietly once he settled down his wings as Dahlia finally closed her eyes to sleep, unable to keep them open any longer.

Cassian turned to her and gave her a peculiar look. “Sick of me already, sweetheart?” he questioned her back, but she could tell there was some hesitancy. His jesting wasn’t as smooth as it usually was.  

But she was determined to have fun with this. 

“Well,” she said as she turned away from the crib and crossed the room to sit in front of her vanity. “ _Someone’s_ been taking apart my hair each day after I spend all this time braiding and styling it. It’s been quite inconvenient.” 

“Is that so?” he growled with a smirk as he came up behind her. “It seems to me that you style it _because_ you enjoy feeling my fingers run through your hair and take it apart.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she sternly said as she looked at his reflection in the mirror. “This cocky attitude of yours is also a problem.” 

Cassian’s grin didn’t leave his face. “Any other complaints?” 

As she eyed him in the mirror, she could see he was now giving her the infamous _look_. The look that sent her heart racing and made her feel anxious all at the same time. 

“Well, the way you look at me sometimes…” she began confidently. “...makes me feel uneasy,” she finished in a whisper. 

“I think you feel uneasy because you are having trouble resisting the urge to run your hands all over me.” 

Nesta rolled her eyes at him. “There’s your irritating cocky attitude again.” 

Cassian crouched down so the edge of his face was nearly touching her cheek.  “I can think of so many better uses for your mouth than spreading all these lies, sweetheart,” he stated huskily. 

A slight blush crept up her face as she looked down at the vanity and thought of all the spots she’d love to kiss him on his body...

But she had to get back to the topic at hand. She leaned her head away from him. 

“I can only handle your delusions for so long,” she said with a glint of amusement in her eyes. Then she shifted into a more serious tone. “When are you going back to Illyria?”

Cassian took a deep breath. “Well I would want to go back once you and Dahlia can go with me.”

Nesta took a deep breath. “I don’t think it’s safe for us to go back anytime soon,” she sadly pointed out. The Illyrians had already attacked them before and nearly succeeded because they thought her baby was his child. There was no way she would put Dahlia at risk. Especially when she’s just a baby. 

“I know,” he expressed woefully as he sat on the edge of her bed behind her. “So until then, I’ll live here in Velaris - “”

“You can’t do that!” Nesta interrupted, slamming her hands on the vanity out of impassioned frustration. “You need to help the Illyrians change, not give them more reason to hate you for ruling over them from afar. They won’t accept that. They won’t change. They’ll just turn further against you!”

“Then...I won’t-” 

“You better not be saying you’ll give up being the General Commander!” she interjected as she whipped around in her seat to face him.

“Well, technically I’m not because you’re not letting me get a word in, sweetheart!” he joked. But Nesta was no longer in the mood for jokes right now. This was serious. He had already done so much for her. She wouldn’t let him give up his status of General Commander. 

Standing up in front of him, she put her hands on his shoulders as she spoke to him. 

“You are going to go back to the camps and you are going to make them change their ways for your mother. And then you’re going to make it safe for me and Dahlia to come live there with you one day. You will not give up anything more for me. Is that understood?” she ordered him sternly. 

“But I would give up everything for you,” he stated softly as he grabbed her arms and gently pulled her onto his lap. 

“I know,” she replied softly. “But you don’t need to.”

Cassian let out a frustrated groan. “What am I supposed to do without you?” 

“You wouldn’t be without us,” she noted as she wrapped her hands around his neck. “We’ll make this work. You could still visit us every week...Rhys and Feyre could perhaps help with winnowing you here often.”

“But they can’t do that for us forever.”

“I could learn how to winnow,” she suggested. 

“Maybe in time, but you should focus on taking care of Dahlia for now.” 

“Well, the faster you get the camps in order, the faster we can come home to Illyria,” she whispered and she could see the warmth in Cassian’s eyes when she said the word _home_. 

Illyria was where she truly got to know Cassian. It was where shared secrets, experiences, and feelings had bounded them together. It was where she had fallen for him, and now...now home was wherever Cassian was.

As well as where Dahlia was. It hurt to say that she couldn’t go back with him to Illyria. But Dahlia’s safety came first. 

Cassian hugged her to him, and she rested her head on his shoulder. 

“I don’t like this,” he noted sourly. 

“I don’t either,” she whispered. “But you owe it to your mother to put an end to their abuse and their injustice. If you gave up being General Commander, then...you wouldn’t be the man I love.”  

He heaved a sigh.

Nesta started rubbing the back of his neck. She knew he was feeling as sad as she was...but what else could they do? Illyria needed change. Dahlia needed safety. Her and Cassian still could be together...just not as often as they would like. 

“Undo my hair as you love to do everyday,” she instructed. 

Finally, the glint of wicked amusement returned to his eyes as he gave her a sly smile. “I think you mean it’s what _you_ love me to do everyday. Actually, I think all your supposed complaints tonight were reasons you love me.” 

“Mmm,” she moaned as she planted a kiss against his neck. “I don’t know about that,” she said with amusement.

“Cruel woman,” he remarked as he slowly weaved his hand within her hair. “I think you may be the one who’s delusional.” 

“Maybe you should knock some sense into me,” she breathed. 

“Gladly,” he answered before further twirling his fingers in her hair to destroy her braid and planting a fierce kiss on her lips. 

Suddenly, they heard a loud wail coming from the crib. Cassian leaned his forehead against Nesta’s. “Well, I guess I’ll have to knock some sense into you later,” he said and Nesta laughed before they both got up from the bed to tend to Dahlia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeee! The baby is here! Feelings have been revealed! Unfortunately, things aren’t perfect for Nessian…but hey, that’s life and they’re at least together!
> 
> There’s still 2 chapters left of this story to go! Next chapter is slated to be about both June and July and then the final chapter will be an epilogue. 
> 
> Let me know all your feelings about this chapter! 😊 Thank you as always for your support! Everyone’s comments have been SOO sweet! I love you all!


	13. June/July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My deepest apologies - it took 3 weeks to post a new chapter instead of the usual 2! Sighhh. Unfortunately, that's what happens when you lose a weekend of writing time when you go out of town! So thank goodness you weren't left on a cliffhanger?
> 
> This chapter is either the longest or the second longest one, so I hope that makes up for the wait! 
> 
> Also, just want to say this fic is keeping its T rating :)

**_ June _ **

 For the remaining weeks of May, Cassian managed to return to Velaris every night with the help of Rhys and Feyre. It was in June, however, that Cassian was unable to keep to that routine, with Rhys’ and Feyre’s lack of availability some nights, and Cassian’s schedule to meet and train with all the Illyrian camps growing more rigorous. 

It was early one morning at the beginning of June when Nesta was bidding him goodbye that she told him it wasn’t necessary for him to come back each night, saying that the training with the camps had clearly been taking its toll on him and he’d needed to get sufficient rest each night instead of being awoken by Dahlia’s cries throughout. She also expressed that while she enjoyed sleeping beside him, her and Dahlia didn’t even get to really see him or spend time with him. 

Reluctantly, Cassian listened to her but not being able to sleep beside Nesta plus constantly fearing he would miss significant milestones in Dahlia’s life didn’t exactly improve his sleeping habits. 

But he never let a week pass without him visiting them for one full day. And on those days, he’d relish in being with Nesta as they cuddled with Dahlia, bathed her, fed her, burped her, read to her, and played with her. He of course would also flap his own wings around to amuse her. 

And as he did so, Nesta would give him a look that told him there was no way he could take her flying with him. 

(At least not yet.) 

It was the anticipation of those special days each week that got him through his time in the mountains. On those days, he’d feel like he needed to pinch himself to ensure it wasn’t just a dream. 

But it was all real. Hhe finally had a family to come home to and a place where he belonged.

* * *

 

Nesta missed the feeling of Cassian’s hands wrapped around her each night. She’d grown so used to it when he slept beside her each night of May. 

But she had noticed the weariness in his eyes. Toward the end of the month, he had started arriving at Rhys and Feyre’s estate later and later, mostly after she had put Dahlia in her crib and she herself had gone to bed. It would be an hour or so later that she would sense the mattress sink in beside her and feel the press of his lips against her temple and an arm snake around her waist. 

And then before dawn, he’d be awake, ready for Rhys to winnow him away. But it was a rule between them, that no matter how “peaceful” she may have looked, he would always wake her up to say goodbye. 

Before he left Velaris to return to Illyria for the first time after the birth, Cassian was always the first to get up during the night whenever Dahlia cried. But during his visits after his return to Illyria, he would often be so exhausted that sometimes he didn’t even stir at the sound of her cries. 

Nesta certainly wasn’t upset about it. She knew how badly he wanted to be there for both of them. One night, when he discovered Nesta was awake to soothe Dahlia, he apologized profusely for not hearing Dahlia awake and insisted he take over in cuddling with her so Nesta could go back to sleep, but Nesta wouldn’t have it. 

She felt worried about him. His talk of what was going on at the camps was very limited, but she knew he was likely overworking himself in an effort to make Illyria a safe place for them to live as a family. 

So, as gently as she could, she told him it wasn’t necessary for him to visit each night, especially since they didn’t really get to spend time with each other. Plus, she didn’t mind waking in the middle of the night to calm Dahlia since her sisters helped so much with Dahlia during the day, giving Nesta plenty of time to nap and remain fairly well-rested. 

It took Cassian a little while before he very reluctantly agreed to follow her wishes. But a day never went by without them sending at least one message to each other. And every week, he would come to the estate and spend a full day with them… Those days were the ones she treasured the most. 

But right now, she really wished Cassian was with them for the night.

Because Dahlia, for some reason, refused to stop crying. 

Her wails were especially loud, and holding and rocking her did nothing to soothe her at all. Nesta tried sitting in the rocking chair with her, reading to her, bouncing her up and down, feeding her, and walking around the room as she held her, but absolutely nothing was working.

This had never happened before. Sure, there were some nights where Dahlia cried quite a bit, but eventually she would calm down. This was the longest she’d ever cried. 

And Nesta couldn’t help but feel that Cassian would know what to do. He could probably flap his wings and that would be enough for Dahlia. She always seemed to become quiet sooner whenever it was Cassian who tended to her. 

But she couldn’t bother him with this. He was probably deep in sleep anyway. 

Suddenly, there was a knock on her bedroom door before it swung open to reveal the sleepy faces of Elain and Feyre. 

“Is everything all right?” Elain asked before yawning. 

“I can’t get her to stop,” Nesta expressed helplessly as she rocked Dahlia in her arms. 

“Here, let me try holding her,” Feyre said with outstretched hands. 

Nesta stepped away from Feyre, as if to hold the baby away from her. It was instinctual for her to not want to lose control of a situation. 

But she quickly realized what she’d done and moved back near her sister, carefully handing Dahlia to her. 

Feyre cradled Dahlia in her arms and attempted to gently hush her as she glided around the room. Her and Elain watched them, and upon noticing no change in Dahlia’s cries, Elain turned to face Nesta.

“Maybe we should get Cassian?” she suggested. “She always seems to cry less when he’s around.” 

It was true. When Cassian was around, not only did Nesta feel happier, but even Dahlia seemed to be more content as well. 

“It’s the middle of the night,” Nesta protested. “He doesn’t need to be bothered by this.”

“But Nesta, I think he would _want_ to be bothered by this,” Elain replied. 

But he already had so much on his plate… What more could be done anyway that hadn’t already been tried? 

“I don’t think - ”

“I’ll get him,” Feyre cut in as she stopped in front of Elain and handed Dahlia to her. 

Before Nesta could even object, Feyre vanished, having winnowed away. 

Nesta sighed. _What could possibly be causing Dahlia to cry this much?_

Within a matter of minutes, Feyre appeared with Cassian in tow. His eyes found Nesta’s immediately, as they always did whenever he was winnowed to the estate whenever she wasn’t sleeping. He strode toward her and grasped her hand to squeeze it in greeting. He knew she wasn’t fond of public displays of affection. To her, their relationship was something special between only them. While her sisters, Rhys, Azriel, and Amren were well-aware of their relationship, she relished in the privacy of their love. 

So his kisses for her were saved for when they were alone or in front of only Dahlia. 

“What’s wrong, my baby girl?” Cassian asked as he turned toward Elain and took Dahlia from her arms. First, he lifted her up with his hands beneath her underarms. Bouncing her a bit, Cassian flapped his wings as he did so. But the wing flapping did not have their usual effect. Dahlia’s cries did not stop. 

Cassian stared at her in concern before bringing her to his chest, letting her head rest against his shoulder. He looked over at Nesta.  

“How long has she been crying?”

“For over an hour,” Nesta answered, and Cassian’s eyes widened.

He swayed his body back and forth as he started rubbing Dahlia’s back. But as he did so, his hand suddenly paused its motion and he looked curiously down at Dahlia. He moved over to the crib to lay her down and started pulling off her clothing. 

“What are you doing?” Nesta calmly inquired out of curiosity. 

Once Dahlia’s clothing was removed, he picked her up again and laid her head against his shoulder. As he looked down at her back, Nesta looked as well and gasped along with her sisters. 

On her back were two long black strips of raised skin. 

“I think she’s growing wings,” Cassian explained. 

Nesta felt frozen in shock. “But I thought you said she wouldn’t have wings?”

“All Illyrians I know have had wings since the day they were born,” he said. “I’ve never seen this before.” 

Nesta’s mind was racing. She didn’t plan for this. How was she supposed to handle this?

“So the wings are hurting her? That’s why she’s crying?”

Cassian nodded. “I think so. We need to send for Madja. She’ll have the proper oil to rub along her back to soothe her.”

“I’m on it,” Feyre piped in before vanishing.

“Poor thing,” Elain remarked.

Nesta just stared at Dahlia, feeling awful for her, knowing her baby was in pain. She wished she could take it away from her. She stepped closer to Cassian and grabbed Dahlia’s hand. “I’m sorry, my angel,” she whispered in the midst of the wailing. 

It was at least ten minutes before Feyre and a very sleepy Madja appeared. The healer took Dahlia from Cassian’s arms and inspected the marks before holding her against her body and pulling out a vial from her pouch. 

She started rubbing the oil from the vial on Dahlia’s back. “She is growing wings,” she confirmed, speaking loudly over Dahlia’s wailing. 

“But the marks of the wings should have appeared right when she was born. Not when she’s one month old,” Cassian stated. 

“I suspect they were delayed because of your fall,” Madja said with a pointed look to Nesta. “Her body must’ve been injured, and now her wings will be slower to develop.” 

Worry flooded through Nesta. So there had been negative effects of her fall after all…who knew what other ways Dahlia could be affected?

Madja must’ve noticed the alarmed look on her face. “When I checked her last week, everything was fine. She is still perfectly healthy. No need to be concerned.” 

Gradually, Dahlia’s cries softened. Once Madja had stopped rubbing oil onto her back, Nesta gathered her in her arms, and Cassian wrapped his arms around Nesta. 

“Rub this on her back every twelve hours and she’ll be fine,” Madja instructed as she put her vial down on the nearby nightstand. “She’s just in pain from her wings growing.” 

“Thank you,” Nesta whispered, trying not to hug Dahlia to tightly to her body for fear of hurting her back even more. Luckily, it seemed like she was falling asleep. 

“I’ll come back in a few days to check on her,” Madja added before looking over at Feyre.

“I’ll take you back,” she said before grabbing Madja’s hand and winnowing out of the room. 

Elain came up to Nesta and placed a soft kiss on Dahlia’s head, then looked up at Cassian. “Thank goodness you came,” she said before giving Nesta a pointed glance. “Goodnight,” she said before walking out of the room. 

With Dahlia now sleeping soundly in her arms, Cassian removed his arms from Nesta’s body so he could easily lean down and plant a kiss on Dahlia’s head. 

Nesta walked over to the crib, then lifted Dahlia up and gave her a kiss before gently laying her down to continue sleeping. “Goodnight, my angel,” she said quietly. 

As soon as she turned away from the crib, Cassian captured her lips in a brief kiss. Whenever he came to visit, he always took the first opportunity when no one was around to kiss her...and it never failed to leave her breathless. 

“Hello, sweetheart,” he whispered as he leaned his forehead down against hers. 

“Hello,” she breathed. “Do you need to go back to Illyria tonight?” She wondered how long she would have with him.

“No, I’m cancelling everything scheduled for tomorrow to stay here with you and Dahlia,” he replied as he pulled away and grabbed her hand to lead her over to her bed. 

“You didn’t need to do that,” she remarked as she followed him.

“Yes, I did. I’m in severe need of time with my favorite girls,” he said as she laid down on the bed. Cassian followed suit, laying with his chest up against her back and his arm around her waist. 

“We just saw you three days ago,” Nesta pointed out. 

“It’s never enough,” Cassian stated. 

Nesta grabbed his hand that was wrapped around her and brought it up to her chest, hugging it and placing a kiss upon it. “I agree,” she whispered. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Feyre said you didn’t want to admit you needed me here. That it was Elain’s idea I should come.”

Nesta fought back the urge to sigh. Why did her sisters have to get involved with this?

“I figured you were sleeping. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“But being here for you and Dahlia is more important than that,” he noted seriously.

“You’ve already done so much for me,” she said. “I don’t expect you to do anything more for me.”

“But...I always want to be there for you. I would do everything for you if I could.”

“I know…but you have important duties to attend to. I don’t want to be a distraction.”

“Sweetheart, you are a _welcome distraction_ ,” he emphasized, and the whisper tickled her ear. “And if you ever need me for the slightest thing, I want you to tell me.”

Nesta released his hand and turned her body to face him. “But you need to focus on -” 

“I need to focus on taking care of you and Dahlia,” he interrupted fervently. 

She gazed into his hazel eyes as she placed a hand on his cheek. “You love me too much.”

“And you deserve every bit of it.” 

She stroked his cheek with her thumb. The intense look he was giving her was always too much for her, making her come undone. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you,” she mumbled with a tinge of amusement. 

“I know what you should do,” Cassian said. “You should contact me whenever you need help.”

Nesta sighed again. “Well, thank the gods you did come tonight, or else I may have never known what was bothering Dahlia,” she remarked, and then her voice took on a very serious tone as she thought about what it would mean now that they knew Dahlia was growing wings. “Are you jealous?” 

“Jealous?”

“That...she’s Illyrian and not...of your Illyrian blood,” she explained awkwardly as she brought her hand down to his chest. “I...used to sleep with Illyrians whenever you made me mad, just to spite you,” she admitted quietly. 

He pushed the stray strands of hair out of her face and behind her ears. “Well, you successfully made me jealous back then when I found out about it. But that’s all in the past now. As for Dahlia’s wings, while I’ll always wish she were truly mine, I’m excited that I’ll get to teach her how to fly.” 

Nesta smiled at the visual of him teaching their little girl how to fly one day. “I’m glad she’ll at least...kinda look like you by having Illyrian wings.”

Cassian stared off dreamily to her bedroom window as he caressed her side. “It will be nice to share that with her and teach her to fly. I’ve...been afraid because I’m away so much that she won’t really need me when she has you and your sisters.” 

Nesta narrowed her eyes and placed her hand on his cheek again to force him to look directly at her. “What? That is ridiculous. Of course we need you. We both need you! You’ll teach her how to defend herself, how to be a leader, to be loyal and courageous, how to love others a completely ridiculous amount!”

“Well, I just wish you’d let me know whenever you need help with her, so I can truly feel like I’m a part of her life.” 

“I will!” Nesta said in a panic, not realizing that Cassian had been feeling this way. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to feel that way at all.” 

“I know,” he said gently. “I just...don’t want to be like my father.”

Nesta shook her head as she began stroking his cheek. “You are nothing like your father. You know this.” 

Cassian sighed. “It just hurts to be away from both of you.”

“Which is proof that you aren’t like your father,” she stated. “You haven’t discarded us. You make it a priority to see us.” 

Cassian shifted his gaze back to the window, seemingly deep in thought. Nesta used her forefinger to start tracing along his jawline, causing him to close his eyes. She figured he was just relishing in her touch, but she took it as her opportunity to lighten the mood. 

“Are you going to sleep without giving me my goodnight kiss?” she whispered, unamused. 

At this comment, Cassian’s eyes instantly opened to look at her. They held a glint of amusement - a sign she had accomplished her goal. 

“My apologies, my love. Please forgive me,” he said quietly before bringing his head down to plant a slow kiss on her lips. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t contact you the minute I needed you,” she said when they pulled away from each other. “Because I knew I needed you tonight. I always feel like I need you.”

“Likewise,” he said quietly as he ran his fingers through her hair and slid the ribbon out of it that had been holding it all together. “I just wish there was a better solution for this.”

Nesta probably wondered about this everyday, but Cassian needed to be in Illyria...and Dahlia _couldn’t_ be in Illyria. Not yet at least. “We’ll make it work,” she replied. “In time, it will be better. But for now...just hold me.” 

“Gladly,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him before they drifted off to sleep. 

 

* * *

 

**_ July _ **

From her place among the grass in the garden of Rhys and Feyre’s estate, Nesta stared at Dahlia, who sat just out of arm’s reach of her. Behind Dahlia was a row of bright red dahlias, and there was one single dahlia in her hand.  

_“You’re sitting right in front of the flowers I planted for you!_ _They haven’t bloomed yet, but they’ll be a fiery red...bold like you.”_ Elain had told her, back in March on the day Nesta found out Cassian was her mate. 

Nesta had no idea at the time that the flowers were dahlias. Even though Elain claimed she never saw the vision of the baby until that day in April, Nesta was convinced she must have seen something else that led her to plant the dahlias. 

Nesta smiled at the craziness of it all. The fact that Elain felt the flower was bold like her, that Dahlia was the name of Cassian’s mother, and now her daughter shared the name. She chuckled at the sight of Dahlia currently tugging at the petals of the flower in her hands, attempting to pull them off. 

Nesta looked to the side and saw Feyre behind an easel, swiping her paintbrush across the canvas and glancing every few seconds up at Dahlia as she painted. Her sister may have been an excellent painter, but Nesta wasn’t sure she’d be able to adequately capture the pure curiosity on Dahlia’s face. 

She wished Cassian was here to see it. 

At that moment, a piece of parchment appeared in the grass beside Nesta. Eagerly, she picked it up and read it. 

 

_My love, tell me your day isn’t as miserable as mine. (But then again, if I am not there with you, is it even possible for your day to be anything but miserable?)_

 

Nesta rolled her eyes at Cassian’s cocky message but smiled as she wrote back her reply. 

 

_You’re ridiculous._

 

It only took a minute for his response to appear.

 

_Ridiculously in love with you? You bet._

 

Nesta couldn’t help but roll her eyes again at his words. But, even though he tells her he loves her nearly everyday, part of her still felt her heart race upon reading his message. It still bewildered her that he could love her so greatly. 

 

_Why is your day so miserable?_

 

_You and Dahlia aren’t here and the Illyrians are frustrating the hell out of me. I needed to write you to help me calm down and not think about it. So, if you’re not busy feeling like you can’t live without me, then what are you up to?_

 

_Watching Dahlia play with a flower outside as Feyre paints her portrait._

 

_Feyre is painting her?_

 

_Yes, as she plays with a red dahlia._

 

_Is Feyre going to paint you as well?_

 

_No._

 

_Well she should paint a picture of you and Dahlia together so I can hang it here in the cabin. Maybe it could help me not miss you both so much…_

 

Nesta looked glumly at the message. It certainly was difficult being apart most of the time. She was about to write back when Elain strolled across the garden toward her and sat beside her. 

“Are you talking to Cassian?” she asked. 

Nesta nodded in response. 

“You two have never had time together - just the two of you - have you?” Elain inquired curiously. 

Ever since she admitted she’d loved him, all their time together was spent with Dahlia. But she wondered what exactly Elain was getting at. 

Nesta shook her head. 

“You two deserve time alone together,” she remarked. “I’d be happy to watch Dahlia if you two ever want to spend time alone together.” 

“Me too,” Feyre piped in without lifting her eyes from her work. 

Every waking hour, Nesta was with Dahlia. She had a hard time envisioning even leaving her for a few hours. Would she be able to survive such separation? 

Plus, leaving her in her sisters’ care...while things between them were certainly better, she still had her worries that they would take control of her and her daughter’s life. 

She knew it would take a while for that fear to go away... if it ever completely would.

But the thought of spending some time alone with Cassian did sound pleasant. They never truly had gone out together. 

“Thank you,” Nesta stated to her sisters. “I’ll let him know.” 

 

_Well, I think she should do a painting of our family -  all three of us - instead. And you’d have the pleasure of holding us for hours as Feyre paints us._

 

_A brilliant idea, my love._

 

_Another idea was just brought up by Feyre and Elain - they have offered to watch Dahlia if you and I want to spend time alone together._

 

_Another brilliant idea._

 

_I’m only worried about leaving Dahlia._

 

_That’s understandable, but she’ll be safe with your sisters._

 

_But I’ve never been apart from her._

 

_Which is why you are due for a short break. We can miss her together._

 

_I do want to spend time with you...since we’re usually playing with Dahlia when you do visit, we hardly get to talk._

 

_Among other things…_

 

She blushed at what she knew was a playful innuendo. 

 

_Indeed._

 

_Then how about we spend Saturday together? I’ll come to Illyria so I can see Dahlia and then we can go do something together._

 

Nesta pressed the tip of her pen to her chin as she thought about where she would like to go. 

 

_Could we go to your mother’s memorial?_

 

_Well, I had more romantic ideas in mind, but of course we can, sweetheart._

 

Nesta smiled to herself.

 

_We could visit the memorial first, then do whatever you had in mind._

 

_Hearing this idea has completely turned around my miserable day, my love.  
_

* * *

 

When Nesta woke up on her own Saturday morning, she was shocked. 

Since Dahlia was born, she never woke up on her own. Dahlia would always wake her up, crying to either be fed or wanting to be held. She woke her up a few times throughout the night, but this morning...there was nothing. 

Alarmed, she sat up and got out of the bed and headed to the crib, where she found no sign of Dahlia, but a note lying in the bed prevented her from being sent into a panic.

_We’re downstairs. -C &D_

The message was in Cassian’s handwriting, which surprised her since it meant he was already here. She hadn’t expected him to arrive until later, but she immediately left her room and made her way down the staircase. 

It was in the living room area where she found Dahlia, lying soundly in Elain’s arms as they sat on the couch. However, Cassian wasn’t around.  

When Elain saw her, she quickly stood up and handed Dahlia over to her. “I think she’s hungry,” Elain said with a smile. “Cassian is talking with Azriel and Rhys in the study.” 

Nesta nodded as she wrapped her arms tightly around Dahlia and let her lay her head on her shoulder. “I didn’t even hear Cassian come in,” she remarked softly. 

“I think he wanted to let you sleep for a bit,” Elain replied. “He said Dahlia was awake when he walked in, so he brought her down to sit with her for a little while.” 

“You’re sure you don’t mind watching her today?” Nesta asked. 

Elain shook her head. “I don’t mind at all. I’m excited to! I love her,” she stated as rubbed Dahlia’s back in between the spots where wings had started to grow. Wings hadn’t fully formed yet, but the dark raised skin had protruded even more in the last month. 

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Elain said. “Here, come sit down. I’ll get you some pillows.”

Since the birth, Elain had been a huge help to her and always doted on her. She had started to learn what Nesta needed before she even asked for it, such as now, with pillows set behind her as she sat on the couch and prepared for breastfeeding. 

Once she fed Dahlia, Cassian still hadn’t appeared so Nesta left Dahlia in Elain’s care as she went back upstairs to change her clothes, style her hair, and freshen up. 

When she was finished, she went back down the stairs. The closer she got to the living room, she could hear multiple voices speaking and recognized Cassian’s boisterous laughter. 

When she walked in the room, she found Cassian sitting on the couch with Dahlia cradled in his arms. 

Every time she saw Cassian with Dahlia, it made her swoon with joy. 

Cassian’s eyes found hers instantly and he smiled more brightly. She wasn’t sure if it was simply because she hadn’t seen him in a week, but his gaze felt more intense than ever. Nesta grinned back at him as she went over to him and sat beside him. 

It was then that she realized that Azriel, Rhys, Feyre, and Elain were all in the room, chatting away.

Cassian was big enough that he easily was able to cradle Dahlia in one arm. His free hand found Nesta’s and squeezed it tightly in greeting. “Good morning, my love.”

“Good morning,” she whispered back as she returned the squeeze. “You didn’t wake me up when you came in,” she gently reprimanded him. 

“Good. That was the intention.”

Nesta stared at him, waiting for his explanation. 

“I had just gone into your room to check on you two since I knew Rhys wanted to talk this morning,” he continued. “I wanted to let you both sleep...but then I saw Dahlia was awake and there was a bad smell coming from her. So I cleaned her up and just sat with her for a little bit. I wanted you to have time to rest.” 

Nesta had wished he’d awoken her when he arrived, but ultimately, he was just looking out for her as always. She gave him a soft smile. 

“What did Rhys have to say?” she inquired. 

“It was just an update on the Night Court, Mor’s mission, Illyria, the Court of Nightmares...nothing crazy,” Cassian answered. 

_Mor…_

With Mor being gone for a while, Nesta had nearly forgotten about her. She hadn’t been mentioned by anyone lately, yet she was someone who was close to Cassian and disliked her. 

Did Cassian even let her know that they were together? Months ago, he had told Mor he _of course_ wasn’t the father of her child, claiming Mor was sensitive to anything possibly coming in the way of their friendship. Would Mor always be trying to convince him to leave her? Or if he hadn’t told her yet, what would that mean? 

Cassian’s thumb started rubbing hers, pulling her from her thoughts. “Are you ready to go now?” he eagerly wondered. “Although...it’s going to be hard to let go of her,” he added as he looked over at Dahlia. 

“I know,” Nesta said sadly, looking over at Dahlia as well. 

“Well, I think it’s time for you two to get going,” Feyre piped in as she approached them and reached for Dahlia. 

After a short sigh, Cassian bent down to kiss Dahlia’s head and Nesta leaned over to kiss her too. Then Cassian finally relinquished her and handed her over to Feyre. 

Feyre cradled Dahlia in her arms.

“You’re sure you’re fine with taking care of her today?” Nesta asked. 

“Of course,” Feyre said and started to walk away from them. 

Nesta must’ve had a concerned expression on her face as she thought about leaving Dahlia in her sisters’ care from the way Cassian was now looking at her. “You don’t need to worry,” he advised quietly while rubbing the back of her hand. 

She took comfort in his reassuring gesture. She really shouldn’t be worrying...she wouldn’t be right at Dahlia’s side forever...

“Oh, do you need me to winnow you to wherever you’re going?” Feyre asked as she turned her head back at them from across the room. 

Cassian kept his eyes on Nesta. “Should we winnow or fly?” he whispered. 

She would much rather be carried and flown by him. The last time he had done so, she was going into labor and couldn’t enjoy it. Before then, they weren’t even together when she had flown with him. But she had to toy with him as always. “That depends...are you going to pretend to fall through the sky again?”

“As long as you keep your arms around me, sweetheart, we’ll be fine,” he answered quietly with a cheeky grin. “No, we’re going to fly, Feyre,” he called out to his High Lady. 

Feyre nodded, then proceeded to bobble Dahlia up and down in her arms. 

“Let’s go before we change our minds about leaving Dahlia,” Cassian said as he stood up and tugged Nesta’s arm to follow him. “Goodbye, everyone,” he called out without even looking at them. They shouted it back to them as Nesta allowed Cassian to lead her out of the estate. 

As soon as they walked outside and Nesta shut the door behind her, Cassian’s lips crashed against hers. The force of his kiss was so strong that Nesta’s back was pushed against the door. Cassian brought his hands to the sides of her face as he kissed her deeper. 

When he pulled away from her, Nesta had a hard time finding her balance again. Probably noticing her struggle, Cassian reached out to pick her up, with one arm behind her back and one behind her knees. 

“I think that was one of the longest times I’ve ever had to wait to be alone with you to kiss you,” he remarked. “It was nearly unbearable.” 

Despite relishing in his kiss and despite being the one who preferred the privacy of their relationship, her mind couldn’t help but drift back to Mor, wondering if she was even aware of this. Did Cassian keep it private from her? He’d never mentioned if he’d ever told her. 

“Well, maybe if you woke me up when you arrived this morning, you could’ve kissed me immediately,” she pointed out with an irritable bite to her tone. 

Cassian frowned. “Sweetheart, listen, I’m sorry about this morning. I didn’t know it would be such a big deal to you,” he stated apologetically.  “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” 

She hated herself for getting so worked up about this. “Have you told Mor about us?” she asked quietly. 

“Yes,” he answered without any hesitation. “I wrote to her and told her.” 

“And how did she react?” Nesta asked, staring him in the eyes to see if they would tell her anything. 

“Well, I first sent her a message about it when you weren’t speaking to me, telling her I was in love with you and that there was absolutely nothing she could say or do to change that. Then my other message said we were together, that I was the proud father of a beautiful daughter,  that I had finally found the home I was always looking for with my new family, and that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” he explained. 

Nesta felt stupid, so incredibly stupid for letting her doubts nearly get to her. She finally brought her hands around his neck, tears surfacing in her eyes. “Do you mean that?”

“Yes, my love,” he replied with a smile. “I even told Rhys and Az the same thing this morning. So, while I don’t know if Mor’s happy about it, I do know she’s accepted it. You have nothing to worry about. I love you.” 

“I know.”

“Well, I’m going to keep telling you until I know you believe it without a doubt,” he stated, squeezing her more tightly. “And even after that too so you’ll keep on believing it.” 

“I love you, too,” she said. “I’m sorry for getting mad at you.” 

“Well you could make it up to me…” he trailed off as he shifted his gaze to her lips.

Nesta gladly answered his request with a deep kiss. 

When she pulled away, Cassian beamed and took them to the skies. 

* * *

 

When they arrived on the mountain where Cassian was born hours later, the sky was cloudy.

It seemed to accurately reflect the mood in the air, however, since they remained silent after their landing.  

Once Cassian had gently put Nesta down, she strolled away from him to stand alone in front of the giant rock that served as a memorial to his mother and to her father. 

Cassian hung back but still faced the stone, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes as he thought about his mother. 

So much had occurred since the last time he and Nesta had visited this spot. The snap of the mating bond. Nesta kissing him for the first time. Going through the Blood Rite again. Almost losing Nesta and the baby. Proving to Nesta he loved her. The birth of the baby. Having a family…

_Mother, when I was taken away from you, I thought I’d be alone my entire life. When Rhys’ mother took me in, I at least had someone to help take care of me. While I did consider them family, I still felt like I was missing something. I can’t describe it. But I assumed I would never find it because I was taken from you. We didn’t have enough time together.  
_

_When I got to know Nesta, I could see how resilient and fearless she was, and it couldn’t help but remind me of you. Her bold actions against the king of Hybern reminded me of the way you’d spat upon the boots of the Illyrian leaders. Then Nesta nearly died with me in the war and she was the only other person I had ever felt like I didn’t have enough time with.  
_

_But we were given another chance...and I almost wasted it. But you brought me back to her, mother. When she seemed so lost and alone in her pregnancy, all I saw was you in her and how you must’ve felt.  
_

_I love her, and I love her daughter just as much - your granddaughter who has been named after you._

_I finally have the family that I had always been searching for, and I’ve never felt this happy._

_I love you, mother. Thank you for leading me to her._

* * *

Nesta took a deep breath as she faced the stone that had come to memorialize her father.

She could’ve asked Cassian to take her to her father’s actual memorial. The one that Feyre and Elain had established in Velaris. But that spot didn’t hold any significance for her.

This one did. 

Since it was a spot made by the one who showed her it was safe to love fiercely and powerfully again. 

Nesta closed her eyes.

_Dahlia...thank you for your son. He may have been young when he was taken away from you, but I know you were the one who showed him how to love as he does. I hope you don’t mind that I named our daughter after you since she’s not of your bloodline, but Cassian considers her his daughter, and I feel like that would be enough for you.  
_

_Thank you.  
_

She took another deep breath and crossed her arms across her chest. 

_Father…_

_Because of you, I never thought I’d be able to love again. Loving you had left me so hurt, so dejected, and so closed off from others. I felt I couldn’t trust anyone ever again. I felt like I was unworthy of love.  
_

_And when I saw you die, I completely fell apart. And do you know why? Because you had come to help us. After years of wishing you would do something, you finally did. In that brief moment, you gave me hope. I finally felt like I was truly seeing my father again for the first time in years.  
_

_But then you died, and I shattered. I wished you had never given me that hope. Because I was left with wondering why you decided to help then. If you loved me again. If you finally were yourself again. If we could have truly made amends.  
_

_If only we had more time.  
_

_Time with you became yet another thing this fae life robbed me of.  
_

_But I kept hating you. For all the pain you put me through. For how you must’ve treated Vassa to be a better father figure than her own father. For allowing me to have hope at the end of your life. For the fact that I was so hopeful upon seeing you after all the years you hurt me.  
_

_And for the fact that I turned out to be like you.  
_

_I shut Feyre out when you shut me out. Then after you died, I shut everyone out and lost myself...just like you did.  
_

_And then I was pregnant.  
_

_And all I could think was that I could not let myself be like you anymore. My child needed someone who would care for her always. No matter what. I did not want my child to experience what you put me through.  
_

_So in a way, I suppose I have you to thank for spurring me to pull out of my darkness…_

_Thank the gods Cassian was there to help.  
_

_It was because of you though that it took so long for me to accept his care and his love and to reciprocate it.  
_

_But now...now all finally feels right and the way it should be. I finally love freely again, the way I loved you when I was a little girl. And Cassian, who has seen me at my lowest point and suffered from my poor treatment of him then, is able to love me.  
_

_If he can still love me after seeing me lose myself, then...I can do it too.  
_

_Father, I will always wonder what could’ve been if you had survived the war. Since you showed up to save your daughters, I choose to hope we would have made amends.  
_

_I have been where you have been. I managed to survive in part because of you, and I feel I can finally forgive you now. I may never forget what you did, but I forgive you for it.  
_

_I love you, father.  
_

She brushed a few stray tears off of her face. She was determined to no longer cry over him. The past was in the past. She needed to move on. 

With a heavy breath, she turned around and found Cassian standing a few feet behind her, facing her. His expression seemed cautious. He tilted his head up to look at her, as if he was trying to gauge how she was feeling.

Nesta strode forward and enveloped her arms around him. As she buried her head into his chest, he tightly wound his arms around her. After placing a gentle kiss upon her temple, he rested his head on top of hers. 

For the next few moments, they stood just like that, resting in the serenity of the silence and the comfort of each other’s arms.

Upon feeling drops of water fall onto their skin, Cassian looked up at the gloomy sky that was now covering them. “It looks like my plans for the day have been ruined,” he remarked.

Nesta pulled her head away from his chest. “What were you planning?” 

“We were first going to head back to the cabin so I could make our dinner, then go to one of the other mountains for a romantic picnic and a romantic walk.”

The rain started falling faster now. “Don’t worry about it. Your cabin will be fine,” she said gently.

“It’s _our_ cabin,” he corrected. 

“Our cabin,” she agreed with a small smile.

Picking her up in his arms, he grinned at her. “Let’s go.”

* * *

During the journey back to the cabin, the weather grew worse, with rolling thunder and lightning cracking across the sky as rain pelted down.

By the time Cassian landed on the platform outside their cabin, the two of them were completely drenched.

Still holding Nesta in his arms, Cassian fumbled for the door knob and turned it open. “I’m glad I don’t have to let go of you now,” he commented as the door creaked open and he stomped inside.

“Who gave you permission to act so brutish?” Nesta questioned him incredulously all while tightening her grip around his neck as he kicked the door shut behind him.

“Well I don’t hear you demanding me to put you down, sweetheart.” 

Nesta couldn’t help but smile back at him as he stood in the entryway, holding her and staring at her as the water dripped off their skin and onto the floor. 

There was that infamous _look_ again. The one that left her breathless and mesmerized and pierced right through her, leaving her wondering how she could ever be on the receiving end of such a look. Yet this gaze seem to be more intense than ever before, as she could feel his overpowering love and his admiration. It was almost too much to take. 

“Why do you look at me like that?” she wondered softly. 

“Because I’m completely enamored and amazed by you. You thought you didn’t deserve me...but I’m the one who doesn’t deserve _you_ ,” he whispered.

She could feel the blush creep over her face, while her heart did somersaults. “I still don’t think I deserve you,” she stated honestly. 

“Well, I think that is something we’ll have to forever agree to disagree on,” he remarked before leaning in to give her one more kiss. “Do you want to get changed while I make dinner?” 

Nesta was quiet, deep in thought over how to make her next move. 

Reaching her hands up the back of his head to tangle her fingers in his wet hair, she brought her face up to his to plant a passionate, lingering kiss upon his lips. Eagerly, he returned the kiss, which evolved into multiple kisses. 

She tugged on his bottom lip with her teeth when she pulled away and moved her mouth to be up against his ear. “I’d rather you undress me,” she stated huskily. 

Cassian’s breath stilled, and his mouth dropped open to speak, but Nesta quickly continued. “Cassian, if we…,” she trailed off, but she sensed he knew what she was referring to. “Does that mean I’ll have accepted the bond?”

His grip on her tightened even more. “No. You have to offer me food in order for the bond to be established,” he explained gently. 

Nesta swallowed before speaking again. “I’m not...I’m not ready to accept it, but it has nothing to do with you. I - ”

“Nesta, I don’t want you to feel pressured to accept it,” he insisted. “After all you’ve been forced to go through, I don’t care if you never accept it. I only want to be loved by you.” 

She reached up to caress his cheek. “And I want to be loved by you...in all ways,” she expressed as she stretched out her hand to run it ever so slowly across the edge of his wing. 

“ _Nesta_ ,” he moaned as he closed his eyes. Once she pulled her hand away, he opened his eyes again to find her deviously smiling. “Are you well enough to…”

“Madja told me it was fine,” she interrupted before she pressed a hungry kiss on his jaw and returned to tracing his wing with her finger. 

Cassian hissed but was quick to respond to her actions. While locking his lips with hers, he managed to carry her down the hall into the bedroom that had been hers when she lived there, leaving behind a trail of water in their path. 

Her crown braid is what he chose to remove first. When he planted her feet on the ground, he stood before her and shower her with open-mouthed kisses, swiping his tongue across hers as he tangled his fingers in her wet hair to leisurely untwist the braid. 

Once that was finished, Nesta moved in the way she was familiar with - aggressive, fast, and forceful - as she yanked his tunic off of him and moved her hands to the waistband of his pants. This was how it went with all the other males she had slept with. She always held the control and was always desperate for the escape. So focused on the task at hand, she had subconsciously stopped returning Cassian’s kisses. 

Before she could pull down his pants, Cassian abruptly halted his kisses and placed his hands on her upper arms. “Wait, sweetheart…” he murmured with his eyes closed as he leaned his forehead against hers. Nesta paused, lifting her eyes to look up at him and feeling confused as to why he was stopping her. 

“Do you not want to…?” she began to hesitantly ask. 

“No, no,” Cassian insisted as he opened his eyes and took heavy, deep breaths. “No, sweetheart, _of course_ I want to. But...will you let me love you?” 

“I thought that’s what we were doing,” she whispered. 

He let out a slight chuckle before gazing at her tenderly. “I mean...will you let me take control?” he inquired as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms and gave her a quick peck on the lips. “And let me love you the way you deserve?” 

Maybe it was because of the way his breath tickled her or maybe it was the words he just uttered, but Nesta felt her body tremble. “Yes,” she breathed. 

Cassian kissed her slowly and deeply for a long moment, and then in a swift motion, twirled her body around so he was facing her back. Sweeping her hair over her shoulder, he pressed his lips to the nape of her neck as he unhurriedly set himself to the task of undoing the buttons of her dress. With every button he unbound, he bent down to put a kiss to her back, forming a trail of kisses along her spine that gave her chills. 

Once all the buttons were loosed, he peeled off her dress that had been sticking to her skin due to the rain and let it fall to the ground. Now only in her undergarments, Nesta slipped off her shoes as she waited to see how much longer Cassian would prolong this. 

Turning her to face him again, his lips captured hers as he picked her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist while she placed her palms against the sides of his face. 

He laid her down on her back on the bed and appeared to briefly lose his tremendous patience as he tore off her undergarments so she now lay naked before him.  

Standing at the end of the bed, he kept his eyes locked on hers as he kicked off his boots and took off his pants. Then he kneeled down on the bed in between her legs and hovered over her, with his palms flat against the mattress at her sides. 

As he looked into her eyes -  which she was sure reflected the burning passion she saw in his - she couldn’t help but shiver again from her anxiousness over what was about to happen...what was already happening. From his movements, from the way he kissed her and touched her, she knew this would be distinctly different from all the sex she’d had before. 

He peppered her with kisses, starting at her navel, going up her chest and between her breasts until he reached her face. “I love you,” he whispered against her lips. 

From then on, every touch from his rough, calloused hands struck her deeply and sent her heart thundering, matching the storm raging outside. Every whisper of sweet nothings was a delicate caress against her skin. Every kiss against her body burned her with its fervor, serving as an imprint of his adoration for her. 

He made love to her slowly, wanting her to feel every ounce of his love so she could absolutely have no doubt about it. She couldn’t help but lose herself in him. 

When they joined together, she could feel something within her desperately begging to be united with him completely. She was certain it was the surging power of the mating bond that resided inside her. 

_One day_ , she thought in response to the power’s pleas. 

She would worry about that later. But for now, she just wanted to relish in this - this feeling that someone could love her passionately, completely, and irrevocably. 

* * *

 

Afterwards, Nesta laid in bed beneath the sheets, cuddled up next to Cassian. His hulking and muscular figure surrounded her, and his arm rested across her waist. His eyes were closed but she knew he was still awake based on the fact that one of his fingers on his other hand was busy twirling a ringlet of her hair. 

She took the opportunity to stare at him in an attempt to memorize him - every scar and every scratch etched by battle, every swirl of his Illyrian tattoos, every indent of his chest, and even every mark she gave him that night. 

Her eyes wandered back up to his face. He seemed so peaceful and so content, which reflected her own feelings. 

That evening he had loved her like no other. Just as she predicted, it was unlike anything she had experienced before. He cherished her, doing absolutely everything he could to please her. 

She still had trouble believing it - the fact that this bold and loyal male who had been living for _centuries_ could tremendously love a mere human-turned-fae who had tried so hard to shut people out and not feel a thing. 

But now, she felt _everything.  
_

She couldn’t stop the tears of bliss from forming in her eyes, and she couldn’t resist laying her palm flat against Cassian’s bare chest where his heart was beating for the assurance that this was all real. 

His eyes blinked open at her touch. At the sight of her tears, he looked alarmed. “Nesta, did I hurt you?” he asked. 

She vigorously shook her head back and forth. “No. Not at all.” 

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she replied with a slight laugh. “It’s just that...you love me.” 

Cassian beamed. He moved his hand that had been at her waist up to her face to wipe away her tears. “You’ve said you already knew this.” 

He then covered her hand on his chest with his own, rubbing it with his thumb. 

“I thought I did, but I didn’t _completely_ believe it until now.” 

“I’m just _that_ good in bed, huh?” he asked in jest. 

Annoyed, Nesta reached for the pillow behind her and whacked Cassian with it. It wasn’t the fact that he was a good lover. It was _more_ than that. “However, my love for _you_ is now in question!” 

Cassian couldn’t help but laugh, but when Nesta proceeded to wrap herself in the bedsheet and get up out of the bed, he groaned. “Nesta, my love, I’m sorry. It was just a joke. Come back here,” he requested. 

Picking up her clothes and undergarments that had been abandoned on the floor earlier, she wandered over to the closet. Her dress was still wet from the rain, so it wouldn’t be ideal to put back on. But she recalled that when she’d left Illyria months ago after the attack, the clothes she had here had been left behind and she doubted Cassian threw them away. 

“I’m hungry. You need to make us dinner,” she demanded as she opened the closet door. 

“Well, I may be feeling too exhausted after tonight’s activity,” Cassian replied. She wasn’t looking at him but she knew he was smirking. 

Peering into the closet, Nesta found the dresses she expected to find...but was shocked to discover that multiple tunics hung there too, as well as armor and even a few pairs of boots on the floor.

Stepping back out of the closet to look over at him lounging on the bed, she gave him a curious look. “Have you been using this room instead of your own?” 

“Yes,” he answered. “It got to be too hard going up and down the stairs where that Illyrian hurt you,” he said through clenched teeth, reigning in his rage. But his tone quickly transitioned into a softer one. “Plus, here I can always be reminded of you. And now after tonight, it’ll give me even _more_ memories of you,” he added slyly. 

Nesta sighed at his comment but still, the way he desired to be reminded of her gave her butterflies. Stepping back into the closet, she slid on her undergarment and grabbed one of his tunics and put it over herself, dropping the bedsheet. The shirt was quite large and went down to her knees, but it smelled like him and brought her comfort. 

Exiting the closet, she made to leave the bedroom and Cassian groaned out of irritation again. 

“Come on, I told you I was hungry,” she instructed, pausing at the doorway to turn back to him. 

Cassian reluctantly got up out of the bed, not even bothering to bring a bed sheet to cover himself. “Don’t you know what the sight of you in my shirt does to me?” he growled when he reached her. 

Now it was her turn to look smug. “If only you didn’t tick me off a minute ago, then perhaps I would’ve indulged you.”

“My love,” he declared, gently gripping her chin to tilt her head up toward him. “I’m sorry. My joke was stupid. I am _overjoyed_ that you finally know how much I love you.” 

“Make it up to me by cooking me dinner,” she requested. 

“Anything for you, sweetheart,” he replied, then gave her a quick peck. Releasing her chin, he turned to leave the room. 

“ _Cassian_ ,” she hissed, stopping him in his tracks. “Put on some pants!” she demanded. 

A wicked grin spread across his face. “Why? Am I too distracting for you because you find me too hard to resist like this?” 

Nesta narrowed her eyes, deliberately keeping her eyes focused on his. “Am I not a proper lady who deserves a gentleman with proper manners?”

“And here I thought based on all those romance novels you read, you were more fond of brutish scoundrels,” he replied as he stood before her again and ran his finger down the side of her face to push back a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“ _Cassian!”_ she said in annoyance. 

With a chuckle, Cassian finally went over to the dresser where he opened a drawer to grab a pair of pants. Nesta strode out of the room and down the hall to the kitchen. 

Within a few minutes, Cassian joined her and started moving about the kitchen, collecting multiple ingredients, a bowl and a pan from various cupboards and chests and setting them out on the counter. 

Nesta took a seat at the table and watched him. “What are you making?” she asked.  

“Pancakes.” 

“That’s your idea of a romantic dinner?” she wondered aloud with a hint of incredulity. As she leaned back in her seat, she thought back to when she was pregnant and Cassian made her pancakes whenever she craved them. But was he simply making them because it was something easy? 

“Well, to me, it is. The first time I made you pancakes when you were pregnant was when I first felt things were starting to shift between us,” he explained as he mixed the ingredients in a bowl. “You seemed to finally think I was at least tolerable.”  

Nesta tried to think back to that day. “Hmm. I suppose that’s true since I started to eat with you then.” 

They were silent for a moment. From her spot at the table, Nesta stared outside the kitchen window into the darkness, while listening to the sizzle of Cassian pouring the batter onto a pan over the stove and the pelting of the rain against the roof of the cabin. 

Then, more thunder rumbled. 

“I’m guessing we won’t be able to fly back to Velaris tonight?” she asked. 

“Probably not. If you want to write a note to Feyre to winnow you back, there’s parchment in Dahlia’s...well, what would have been Dahlia’s room,” he offered. 

His comment saddened her. It was another reminder of what could’ve been...what _should’ve_ been...if things didn’t all go to hell when she was last here. 

She had assumed he would’ve turned the room back into his study, but if he was calling it Dahlia’s room...Curiosity sparked her to get up from the table and leave the kitchen to go to the room.

When she reached the room, she was startled to find the room was devoid of furniture and instead, there were various parchment, pens, books, and other miscellaneous items scattered about on the floor in a corner of the room. Walking further into the room and looking at the mess on the ground, she found there were maps of the Illyrians camps and notes about each camp scrawled on parchment. Beside all this sat a stuffed animal of a horse. 

The entire room was a peculiar sight that Nesta knew she would have to ask Cassian about. 

Finally locating a piece of magical parchment she could use to write to Feyre, she sat on the ground and grabbed a pen. 

She missed Dahlia and felt bad for being away from her for so long, but...she probably was already sleeping anyway. Did she really need to rush home, or could she wait until morning, after the storm passed, to fly home with Cassian?

She then proceeded to write notes back and forth with Feyre to find out how Dahlia was doing. Once Feyre confirmed that all was well and Dahlia was asleep, Feyre was the one who first stated that if Nesta wanted to spend the night in Illryia, she wouldn’t mind.

Nesta decided to take her up on her offer, having a feeling that Cassian may have needed more than Dahlia at that moment.

Once that was settled, she went back to the kitchen where she found Cassian sitting at the table, pouring syrup on the stack of pancakes sitting before him. She could sense his mood seemed...off to her.  

“Cassian, why isn’t your desk in your study?” she inquired. 

He put down the cup of syrup. “Because it’s Dahlia’s room,” he replied. “I just like to work in there so I can remind myself of why I’m dealing with the ridiculous Illyrians. That one day I can make the dream of you and her living here with me come to pass and make this area a safer place for not just both my girls, but for all females and children.” 

Nesta gave him a sad smile as she approached him from behind. He drooped his wings back as she rested her hands on his shoulders. 

“That day we went to the fair and went on the sleigh ride,” he continued. “I told you about making that Dahlia’s room, and I also told you I would take care of the Illyrian issues in their treatment of females and children.” 

_The sleigh ride..._

“Hence the stuffed horse?” 

Cassian nodded. “It’s my present for Dahlia when she’s finally able to live in Illyria.” 

Nesta looped her arms around his neck while standing behind him. Resting her head on his shoulder, she turned her head to plant a kiss on his cheek. “I know it’s hard, my darling. But your devotion to us and these causes is one of the reasons I love you.” 

A slight smile came across his face. “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you call me something other than ‘you fool’ before,” he commented. “‘My darling’ has a nice ring to it.” 

She released him before walking around his chair to take a seat on his lap and wrap her arms around his neck again.

“My darling,” she whispered before placing a slow kiss on his lips. 

Cassian groaned with pleasure as he wrapped his arms around her. “When is Feyre coming to winnow you back?” 

“She’s not,” she replied. “Dahlia’s already been put to bed and Feyre offered to watch her for the night. I’d much rather spend the night here, and then you can fly me back in the morning if you are willing?” 

His demeanor shifted. Suddenly he seemed much happier than he had a little while ago. “Of course, my love.” 

“And then tomorrow, you can stay a little while in Velaris to play with Dahlia?”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea,” he insisted. “Are you ready to eat dinner?” 

“Mmm, I think that can wait a little while longer. I have the appetite for something else,” she stated as she kissed him again, her tongue breaking past the seam of his lips. Cassian eagerly took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, causing her to moan. 

“Cassian, my darling...father of my child…” she managed to say as soon as her lips pulled away. 

“Mmm, I love that new nickname even more,” he said as he nudged his nose with hers. 

“Will you let me love you now?” she requested. “It’s my turn to love you the way you deserve.” 

There was a look of devilish amusement in his eyes. 

“Anything for you, sweetheart.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter was a doozy to write! There were some aspects that I felt deserved a bit of a bookend, like Mor, their parents, etc. I felt it was also important for a Nessian sex scene to happen since Nesta previously used sex only as a means to escape. (Also, I realized that out of all my Nessian fics, I've never given them a sex scene. Only intense makeouts...sooo I had to give them one this time!) 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this one! Thanks for your support! Next chapter will be the last - an epilogue set in the future! I don't expect it to take 2 weeks to write and post, but sometimes Nesta and Cassian have minds of their own and cause me to write more than I intend to. ;)


	14. Epilogue

_**Epilogue** _

Dahlia could already walk and talk by the time Cassian deemed it safe for her and Nesta to live in the Illyrian Mountains.

They’d only moved to Illyria one week ago, yet Nesta couldn’t help but feel at peace already. Over the past few years, she’d been experiencing a feeling of restlessness that left her anxious.

But now her and Dahlia were finally living with Cassian, and it finally felt like they were a true family.

Of course, they’d always been a family, but now...now the life her and Cassian had dreamed about had truly come to fruition.

Now Cassian could sleep beside Nesta each night, and when Dahlia thought there were monsters in her room, she could now have the comfort and safety of coming to their bedroom to sleep in between both of her parents. When it was time to sit down for dinner each night, it wasn’t just Nesta who encouraged Dahlia to eat all her food, but Cassian could too. When Dahlia would get sleepy but insist she still wanted to stay up, now Cassian and her could take her to bed together and read her a nighttime story.

It was little moments like these they’d be able to share together by living under one roof, and Nesta was so grateful.

Things weren’t exactly perfect in Illyria. There was still a long way to go in the treatment of females and children, but the Illyrians had shown improvement in listening to Cassian after he dedicated much of his time to visiting and training with the various camps to know and understand them more.

In his conversations with camp leaders, it finally didn’t seem like they wanted to murder him. They even started showing him some respect.

Plus, Nesta had learned how to better control and use her powers with the help of Amren and her siphon. She had learned how to winnow short distances from Feyre too. With these abilities, she was more confident she could protect those she loved.

With all these pieces coming together, it seemed like it would finally be safe enough to live with Cassian in Illyria.

Thankfully, her official role in assisting the Inner Circle with correspondence with other fae and other courts didn’t require her to be living in any specific place.

As another precaution, her and Cassian had decided to live in a new cabin that was a little farther away from Windhaven. It was also a new cabin in honor of their new life as a family living together - one that hadn’t been tainted with memories of being threatened by other camps or being attacked.

As Nesta stirred a pot of stew on the stove, she smiled to herself as she thought about the possibly joyous moments they could fill their home with and the memories that had already been made there, such as the way Cassian embraced them when he came home from his day of training for the first time since they’d moved in. 

“Mommy, when is Daddy coming home?” Dahlia said as she wandered up to Nesta’s side with her stuffed horse tucked underneath her arm.

“Any minute now, my angel,” Nesta replied as she scooped a small portion of the stew into a bowl.

Then Nesta crouched down so she was nearly eye level with Dahlia, holding the bowl of stew and a spoon in her hands. “Lia,” Nesta began gently, calling her by her nickname. “Do you remember what you need to tell Daddy?”

Dahlia nodded eagerly. “That Mommy’s making lunch for him.”

“That’s right. Now this bowl is for you,” Nesta smiled as she handed her the bowl and spoon, which Dahlia accepted while still keeping her horse under her arm. “You can wait for him by the front door, but only go outside once you see Daddy through the window,” Nesta instructed. She was always overprotective when it came to Dahlia.

“Okay, Mommy,” Dahlia said as she ran over to the door while carrying her stew and horse.

* * *

 

When Cassian landed a short distance from his cabin, a wave of joy and peacefulness came over him.

Coming home to his family was a luxury he almost thought would never occur based on his troubles with the Illyrians. But here he was - nearly four years since Dahlia was born - about to step into his home and see both his love and his daughter for the seventh day in a row. He couldn’t help but feel ecstatic to embrace them.

As he took his first step toward the cabin, the front door creaked open, and he saw Dahlia walk outside. She stopped to put the bowl she was holding down on the porch before rushing up to him. A smile spread across Cassian’s face as he paused his stride. He bent his knees and outstretched his hands as he waited for her to come to him.

“Daddy! Daddy!” she exclaimed as she ran. Cassian could see the legs of the stuffed horse he had given her poking out from underneath her arm.

When she reached him, Cassian instantly closed his arms around her and lifted her off the ground. “How’s my baby girl?”

“Daddy, can I start learning how to fly today?” she asked, completely disregarding what he said. 

His heart broke a little as she asked her question. She asked him this everyday the past week. Her wings had finally been growing, but at a much slower rate than most Illyrians. An effect from the fall Nesta took, unfortunately. Him and Nesta were assured, however, that her wings would be full-grown one day.

“Hmm,” he said as he looked over her wings. Right now, they just weren’t large enough to support her body. “I think we need to wait a _little_ bit longer, sweetheart,” he noted. “They aren’t big enough yet, but the longer they take to grow, the _stronger_ they will be!” he emphasized.

Dahlia pouted. “But I want to fly.”

“You will, sweetheart,” Cassian reassured her. “One day.”

“Can you just fly me around right now instead?”

“Let’s go ask your mother first,” Cassian advised. Nesta was always nervous when he took Dahlia flying since she was still so young.

He started walking toward the porch, but Dahlia started getting fussy in his arms, wanting to be put down. He did as she requested, then she ran up ahead of him to the porch and grabbed her bowl.

Upon closer inspection, he noticed there was stew inside the bowl, which perplexed him. Only he cooked for the family, never Nesta. He’d always insisted he cook while in Illyria to prove a point to the Illyrians. Plus, Nesta could never offer him food unless she wanted to...

“Lia, where did that food come from?”

“Mommy made it,” she said before placing a spoonful in her mouth. “Mommy told me to tell you she made some for you too.”

Cassian’s eyes widened in shock and excitement as his heart started racing.

_Nesta’s finally ready._

Thrilled by this revelation, he’d nearly been about to burst through the front door to reach Nesta, but he abruptly paused to crouch down and speak to Dahlia.

“Lia, do you remember that secret I told you to keep from Mommy because Mommy wasn’t ready to hear it yet?”

Dahlia nodded her head eagerly.

“Well, today you can finally tell Mommy.”

Dahlia gasped. “Can I tell her right now?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he said as he held open the door for her. Cassian wasn’t far behind her as they hurried into the kitchen.

“Mommy! Mommy!” Dahlia cried out as she ran up to Nesta, who was standing by the stove.

Cassian paused in the entryway to the kitchen and watched as Nesta gathered Dahlia in her arms. “Is Daddy home, sweetheart?” she gently asked before turning to find him standing there.

From across the kitchen, he gave her an intense look of admiration. With a satisfied grin upon his face, he crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame.

He then gave the pot on the stove a pointed look before returning her gaze to her.

Nesta’s lips formed a subtle smile as she stared back at him and gave him the slightest nod.

They might not have been able to speak through each other’s minds _yet_ , but he knew she could read his mind at that moment and confirmed that she indeed was offering him food. That she was ready. That she wanted to be his mate for life.

“I have a secret to tell you!” Dahlia exclaimed as she put her small hands against her mother’s face to force her to look at her.

Cassian leisurely walked up to them as he opened the very small pouch attached to his belt.

“What is it, Lia?” Nesta asked.

“Daddy wants to be an Archeron, just like us!” she shouted.

Cassian got down on both of his knees in front of them as Nesta turned her head to look at him again. Her eyes widened as he pulled out a small wooden box from the pouch at his waist and offered it to her.

He’d never had a last name before. And he’d never had anywhere where he felt like he truly belonged before, until the two girls before him entered his life.

Stunned at the sight in front of her, Nesta couldn’t take her eyes off of the box, even as she bent down to put Dahlia back on the floor. “Is that...the box you tried to give me at Winter Solstice years ago?”

Cassian nodded as Nesta took the box from his hands. Her hands trembled as she opened it to discover the necklace with the ruby that had belonged to his mother. The one that was in the hilt of his old Illyrian blade that Nesta had used to distract the king of Hybern.

Nesta just stared at it in bewilderment.

“But...you had thrown this in the Sidra. How did you…?”

“I had help from a fae from the Summer Court who had some water manipulation powers,” he explained.

“But the Summer Court hates you…” she said as her face contorted in confusion.

“A story for another time,” he stated with a cheeky grin, thinking of all he had to go through to convince the fae to help him. “But Nesta, my love, I love you more than words can say, and I -”

“I know,” Nesta breathed as tears formed in her eyes. “You don’t need to say anything, Cassian. I know how much you love me. Just as you know how much I love you.”

He took a shaky breath. “My love, I know it’s not a ring, but I hope you’ll still accept this as - ”

“Mommy! Can you _pleaseee_ marry Daddy so he can become an Archeron?” Dahlia interjected as she impatientiently tugged on Nesta’s dress.

“Yes, of course I will,” Nesta whispered as her blue-gray eyes focused on Cassian. “And of course, I accept this necklace.”

Dahlia let out a scream of giddy delight as Cassian hurriedly got up off the ground to grab the necklace out of the box. Wrapping it around Nesta’s neck, he stood behind her as he linked it together, then placed a kiss at the nape of her neck.

As soon as he pulled back, Nesta immediately turned around to kiss him passionately.

“Now about my stew…” she said as she put her arms around his neck.

Cassian placed his arms at her waist. “Well, you do know what’s going to happen as soon as you give me that food and I eat it, right?”

The desire for her would be hard to control at that point...

Nesta nodded. “Which is why I asked Feyre to come over to pickup Lia in a little while so she can go play with her cousin,” she revealed.

“But I want to see Daddy become an Archeron, Mommy!” Dahlia piped in, tugging at Nesta’s dress.

“That will happen another day, my angel. We need time to plan it,” Nesta explained.

“Hmm,” Cassian remarked as he picked up Dahlia. “But maybe the three of us could spend time together first to celebrate? Then you can feed me later, my love.”

“Of course you had to go and upstage my food offering,” she teased with a smile, and Cassian’s free hand caressed her face. “But I’m glad you did. I’ll let Feyre know to come later.”

She gave him a quick kiss before she stepped away. 

Then Cassian looked over at Dahlia, who was beaming in his arms. “Daddy gets to marry Mommy,” he whispered excitedly to her. “Thank you for telling Mommy, sweetheart. I love you,” he said before kissing the top of her head.

“Love you too, Daddy,” she said before kissing his cheek.

* * *

 

Cassian ended up flying Dahlia and Nesta to a wooded area that he’d made into Dahlia’s play area, which included swings he’d crafted that hung from the trees, a mini cabin to serve as her own fort, a seesaw, and a variety of rocks she could paint (she recently received a set of paints as a gift from Feyre). It was an afternoon filled with fun and laughter, one that made Nesta incandescently happy.

The fact that Cassian would soon be both her mate and husband probably made the day feel even more special. She didn’t know he would ask her to marry him that day, but she suspected he’d been wanting to ask for a long time.

After Feyre had picked up Dahlia to spend the night in Velaris, Nesta went about reheating the stew she had made earlier that afternoon.

“Do you know why I chose to make you stew?” she questioned Cassian as she stood with her back to him and stirred the pot on the stove.

“Hmm,” Cassian began as he thought about the possible reason. “Wasn’t it the first dish I taught you how to make?”

“You remember,” Nesta noted with a smile.

“Of course I do,” he remarked as he came up behind her and snaked his arms around her waist.

Nesta grabbed a spoon and scooped some stew out of the pot. Holding up the spoonful of food, she twirled in Cassian’s arms to face him and present him with it.

Cassian looked curiously at the spoon for a minute before bringing his gaze back to Nesta. “Why now?” he wondered softly. “After all this time, why now?”

“Because I was tired of you trying to read my mind and always misunderstanding what I was thinking. Life would be easier if you really could read it,” she teased.

Cassian chuckled, but waiting for her to go on.

She took a deep breath. “Because the other day, I just...I was watching you read to Lia, and I didn’t know why I was waiting anymore,” she continued. “I think I finally realized that my love for you is greater than any desire to keep fighting off all these fae customs. I shouldn’t be spiting the bond. I should be thankful for it. That I’ll be able to live a long life with you. That I’ll have a lot of _time_ with you.”

Cassian grinned and leaned down to kiss her.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she replied as she reached her hand up to touch her necklace. “And now I ask you the same question. Why now?”

Cassian brought his hands up to her face and pushed away the stray strands of hair behind her ears. “Because I knew you were ready. I’ve been wanting to marry you probably since about two weeks after Dahlia was born. But I knew asking you then would’ve been too much and too fast for you after everything you’ve gone through. And I didn’t want to ask you until I knew you were ready. I didn’t want you to feel pressured to marry me if you knew it was what I’d been wanting. I wanted it to be _your_ choice. So when Dahlia said you were making me food, I knew you were ready.”

“I’m sorry for taking so long,” she said quietly.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, my love,” he told her tenderly.

Nesta leaned forward to kiss him. “I’m shocked you haven’t started calling me ‘my mate.’”

“Well, I’m not too fond of that term. I prefer ‘my love’ because I love you by choice, not because of the bond.”

His words never failed to warm her heart.

“Well, my love, the future Cassian Archeron...” she began and she brought the spoon closer to his mouth.

“I love the sound of that,” he interjected, causing Nesta to smile even brighter.

“Do you accept the bond and accept this stew I have to offer you?”

“Yes,” Cassian emphasized, and Nesta placed the spoonful of stew in his mouth.

Cassian swallowed. “Delicious,” he commented before leaning in to plant his lips against her throat.

Nesta let the spoon clatter to the floor as she clutched at his tunic.

“Wait, Cassian,” she said, and Cassian instantly pulled away. “There’s something else that I’ve realized I want.”

“Anything.”

“I want…” she took a deep breath as her heart raced. She wasn’t terribly nervous about asking to be his mate earlier because she was confident he would accept. But this...she wasn’t sure how he’d react to this news at all. “I want another child.”

Cassian brought his hands to her upper arms and froze. “Do you really want another one, or are you just saying this because you think I want a child related to me by blood? Because I consider Dahlia to be mine, through and through. If you don’t want anymore kids, she is enough for me,” he insisted.

Nesta couldn’t help but fret over his response. Did he not want another child? Is that why he was reacting this way?

But she had to be honest with him. “I really do want another one,” she revealed. “You’ve been such a great father, and I’ve loved raising Dahlia with you. I want to raise another child with you. But only if you want one too…” she finished hesitantly.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Cassian stated as put his hands on her cheeks and his mouth spread into a wide grin. “Yes, despite your wild moods and cravings during pregnancy, of course I want to have another child with you,” he added before kissing her fiercely.

Pretty soon, his kisses were everywhere and she responded in kind. Stepping away from the stove, he lifted her off the ground and she encircled her legs around his waist as he supported her.

“Maybe this time we’ll have a boy,” Nesta expressed in between her deep breaths.

“And we can name him Cassian,” he added breathlessly as he tugged the ribbon out of her hair.

Nesta rolled her eyes as she ran her fingers through his hair. “I already have enough Cassians in my life.”

As Cassian walked her to the bedroom, he laughed against her lips.

And when he laid her down on the bed and their bodies eventually joined together, she could feel that power that had been pleading to be released for years explode with intense fervor between them.

 _I love you, my future wife,_ she heard in her mind.

 _I love you, my future husband_ , she replied through the bridge between their minds.

Even though the mating bond had been officially established between them, Nesta felt fully in control. With a soon-to-be husband who loved her unconditionally, a daughter whom she adored more than anything in this world, and her ability to love them fiercely and fearlessly, she finally felt...complete.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, this will be long. I can't believe this is the end!
> 
> So when I first started this story, I KNEWWW that writing multi-chapter fics would take over my life, so I decided "hey, okay we're going to try to keep this fic short by only doing about a chapter per month of the pregnancy." WELP, this fic went onto becoming the longest fic I've ever written. 
> 
> And I couldn't have kept up with up with it, written as much as I did, and completed it if it weren't for you lovely readers! Every kudos, every comment, every bookmark, every subscription has meant SO MUCH to me! Heck, even if you didn't do any of that and still read all this, the hit count still blows my mind! THANK YOU SO MUCH! 
> 
> If you did get through this whole enchilada, I'd love to hear from you just so I can thank you personally! Even if it's the simplest of comments just saying you read this thing, I want to thank you! You can tell me what you liked and even what you didn't like. (You know what I don't like? I don't like that I didn't give Emerie more of a role as a friend to Nesta...it was my original intent to do that, but then my poor brain and poor typing fingers could only handle building up one relationship at a time and it had to be Nessian lol.)
> 
> Anyway, I don't think I've ever said that the title of this fic comes from the song "Shallow" from the movie, "A Star is Born." That movie's soundtrack really influenced me when I wrote my original outline for this fic. So thank you "A Star is Born"! 
> 
> I am probably going to take a loooong break from writing Nessian. This fic was such a beast that I'm a bit exhausted! Plus, I only really like writing post-ACOFAS fics about them, and since I've been stuck in the headspace for this fic for so long, it's become my current headcannon, lol. It would be hard to write about anything where Nesta and Cassian do not have Dahlia!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you found this ending to be satisfying and that it made all the angst worth it! (oh man, I kinda really missed writing the angst though!) 
> 
> TL;DR: LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you so much for reading and supporting me through this!!! ;)


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